http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/ Entertainment and Gossip Online en Fri, 30 Jul 2010 19:48:13 GMT vBulletin 1 http://www.lipstickalley.com/images/styles/LipstickAlley/misc/rss.jpg http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/when-chickens-come-home-roost-556/ Sat, 31 May 2008 07:55:03 GMT I'm so upset right now that I can't even think straight. I think I'm going to be up all night sick at my stomach. Just when I think things are getting better, I'm hit with THIS! I will not be upset. I will not panic. I am going to pray and work on fixing this so that it doesn't affect me or my family any more than it has.

I should have known better than to get involved with that chick. I cannot blame her solely for this turn of events, but I knew better than to involve myself in all of her drama and mess. And now I'm paying for it. I can't even fault her, b/c this mess is of my own making. What I do know is that she better leave my family the hell ALONE and if she EVER confronts or threatens my sister again it will be the LAST thing she ever does!! I did not know this shit was happening. I feel HORRIBLE and will never get over this guilt. I love my sister more than anything in this world and the thought of someone threatening her and scaring her like this has made me SICK!

I'm going to call a lawyer on Monday and find out how to handle this shit once and for all. I don't care what it takes, I'm going to get this shit settled so that we all can have peace of mind. I dunno how I could ever have been so stupid, but I'm paying for it now. I'm going to pay for this shit for a LOOOONG time. I just don't want my family involved. Damn!!! I don't know how I can fix this or make it better. I don't know how I'm going to deal with my family or even face them. I just don't know what to do! I fucked up. Royally!

It hurts me to NO END to think that my little sister is so upset with me and won't even answer the phone. That she communicated through an e-mail. That HURTS! But I deserve it. I brought this on myself. Now I'm re-thinking my plans to go home in July. I feel AWFUL about this. And I know that things will not be forgotten by then. Maybe not even forgiven.

Everyone thinks I'm down in Miami livin it up and partying and having the time of my life and that is SO not true!! I'm down here b/c I need to make it on my own and it is not easy! Not at all! It's not like I picked Miami b/c I wanted to have fun, this is just where I ended up. I should have gone home and just faced everything back then but I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know what to do 18 months ago and I don't know what to do now. This is fucked the fuck up!! I'm gonna have to face this and make it right though. Damn the consequences. I can't have people threatening my sister over something she had nothing to do with!! FUCK! ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/when-chickens-come-home-roost-556/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/me-myself-i-554/ Sun, 25 May 2008 07:10:06 GMT I dunno why it always amazes or shocks me when people I think I know reveal their true colors/thoughts/beliefs. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I'm even angry, upset, or surprised by the comments of some people I thought were cool. I never figured them for judgemental assholes, but their comments come off as such.

I'm slowly but surely learning that I seriously do not need people. "For Dolo" is the way to go through life. Less confusion, less drama, fewer complications. I'm gonna seriously have to learn to do me. I'm learning it and since I've been a hermit and a loner for damn near 2 years, I think I'm doing a damn good job of not being one of those people who need people.

Not ONE of the mutherfuckers that I let upset me have done shit for me. Nor can they do shit for me. There's not one way any of these mofos can enrich my life. Being good for shits and giggles is not going to do a damn thing for me or my future. So umm yeah, I'm over it. My next step is to be over THEM. THEM is a fucking problem. There are a couplefew HIMs in particular that I could and should do without. And I'm SOOOOO working on that shit. I dunno why I don't turn an asshole loose once I've determined he's an asshole. But I need to do it. Nice guy my black ass. Go fuck yourself son.This is the 2nd time some shit like this has happened and I'm seein what time it is for real. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

If there's one thing I've learned thru living life and watching those around me live theirs, is that you NEVER know what someone else is going thru or has been thru and therefore judgement is not fair or necessary. I love how people can sit back and declare what others should be doing or should have done by age X just b/c that's what they've chosen for themselves. Well maybe there's something wrong with YOU and not the people that aren't doing what you think they should do. Ever think about that, egomaniac?

I'm almost 35. I believe I'm maturing. My focus is on the future. Building. That's all I want to do. Build vs. Acquire. There's a huge difference. This is going to take some time and I'm praying for patience on this one. I'll need it.

I'll also need to stop letting people get to me. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/me-myself-i-554/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/its-been-long-time-comin-553/ Sat, 24 May 2008 07:34:36 GMT I haven't blogged in a minute. But it's almost 3:30am, I'm up, I'm feelin some kinda way and there's nobody to call with this foolishness.

I dunno what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Like seriously. Prexactly WHAT am I doing? I'm totally confused. I know what I want--almost. I know what it looks like but I just don't know what it consists of. That's a terrible thing and I'm not getting any younger. I'll be thankful that I have a job that allows me to live a lifestyle that is comfortable and can be enjoyable if I was able to enjoy anything. I'll be thankful for that. I AM thankful for that. The rest needs some work.

I dunno where my head was or what the hell I was thinking to allow myself to actually like someone. Not want to fuck him. Not want to hang out with him. But to really want to get to know him and see where it goes. I don't do that. That's not me!! And then to get all carried away before knowing the facts? I'm a colossal idiot. Yup. To be so smart, I'm one dumb fucking chick. Dumb as dirt I tell ya.

Maybe I'm hormonal and that's causing me to be overly emotional. I mean he IS adorable as can be, very nice, intelligent, with a very sweet disposition. But is that enough to turn me stupid? I was a cheesy grinning idiot for several days behind this dude. I FUCKING SKIPPED!! What 34 year old woman skips?? And TWIRLS?? AT WORK?? Damn! I was gone. I'm glad for this reality check b/c I could have been stuck straight on stupid for a very long time over this dude. That's totally ungood. It's totally NOT ME is what it is. I don't luh the hoes! I don't like them either. I know better than to try and participate. And I won't do that shit NO MORE! Sex-yes! Fun-yes! The rest is a big fat NO! Basically b/c the rest is bullshit. Total and utter cow dung.

Mr. Beisbol is gonna be around. He's a fucking asshole. But he's a familiar asshole. I know where I stand. I know the ins and outs of him and this crazy dance we do. So that's what I'll stick with. What I fucking know. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/its-been-long-time-comin-553/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/songs-key-life-461/ Fri, 05 Oct 2007 04:38:41 GMT I'm about to ramble--not for the sake of rambling, but just to get some shit out. I have like 898457984579488 thoughts running through my mind and even more emotions going through me right now. If I called someone I couldn't even articulate it and I'd just ramble on and on about God knows what probably fearing that I'd explode if I hung the phone up cutting off my life line. My connection to another life form.

I think I need music to live. I dunno what it is. I promise you (whoever the hell you are b/c I dunno who's reading this and I don't really write for others to read and don't give a damn) that I can get a chest pain and cry real tears behind the right song being played at the right moment. Or the wrong song being played at the wrong moment. Whatever the case may be.

Right now, I'm on my Lionel Richie/Commodores shit. I blame Steve Harvey. I love that man. As crazy and arrogant and country as he is. When he starts talking about certain topics, I wonder if he's reading my mind. Music is one of those topics. I didn't think non-musicians felt about music the way that I feel. He seems to get it. That mofo can dissect a song and dig out every emotion in every word. The way he feels about EWF is the way I feel about EWF. Lionel was on his radio show this morning and to wake up to "Zoom" did something to me. I LOVE that song. I'm emotional about that song. Then to play "Just To Be Close To You". Damn. People don't sing songs like that anymore. People don't love like that anymore. All men wanna do these days is put a bitch to bed. Her and her girlfriend. Women wanna get bodied and shit. I don't even know what the fuck that means.

This shit that Lionel is singing about is scary and difficult. Deep. Damn. I think I'm scared of the shit that Lionel is singing about. I know I am. Maybe that's why my chest hurts. *sighs* When they tease Steve about tearing up over a song or when he says he's about to cuss or fall out or whatever over a song he's probably heard more than a thousand times--I get it.

I think I'm overly sensitive. I feel shit way too intensely. Whatever the emotion, I'm gonna FEEL it. It's more than likely gonna set me on my ass for a minute. I'm too analytical. I can't even hear a song or read a novel w/o dissecting every part of it--characters, lyrics. Everything. I have this incredible need to understand. Not a want, but a need. I need to understand things. It's frustrating as hell b/c I don't feel like I understand a damned thing.

I may be just a foolish dreamer but I don't care,'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere. I'm searching for that silver lining. Horizons that I've never seen. Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream. Dream my dream. I'd like to fly far away from here. Where my mind is fresh and clear. And I'd find the love that I long to see. Where everybody can be what they wanna be. Real talk.

The silly scallywags I work with have never even heard of "Zoom". They know every word to "Wipe Me Down" though. Stupid skanks. I really am getting less and less tolerant of ignorance. I feel dumbed down and every day I fight the urge to mollywop one of those dumb ass bitches.

I'm sleepy and my back hurts. I'm done. I'm going to bed and see if I can gather the nerve to confess some things I need to confess. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/songs-key-life-461/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/what-about-your-friends-441/ Sun, 09 Sep 2007 02:57:56 GMT I think people, in general, are way overrated. Trying to make relationships work is draining. Coddling nonsense and bullshit. Holding your tongue so as not to hurt feelings. Dealing with drama and... I think people, in general, are way overrated. Trying to make relationships work is draining. Coddling nonsense and bullshit. Holding your tongue so as not to hurt feelings. Dealing with drama and theatrics when you'd rather not. All in the name of maintaining relationships and friendships.

I think I'm done. I'm tired and I am done. As much shit as I talk, I'm a softy. I let people walk all over me just to avoid conflict. I hate confrontation. I will let a wrong bitch be wrong, act wrong, and do me wrong and for what? To avoid conflict with someone that will get their ass on their back and go off on me in an instant over something small and stupid?

Yeah I'm done. I am tired of having so-called friends. Fairweather bitches. They want you to say what they want to hear. They want you to do what they want to do. As soon as you don't, they wanna take their toys and go home. Well fine then, GO. I am way sick of this shit. Like seriously. Sitting here upset b/c a selfish spoiled brat wants to throw a tantrum. Well throw it. And have a nice life. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/what-about-your-friends-441/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-cryin-428/ Mon, 03 Sep 2007 21:18:35 GMT OMG. I just read the most random sentimental shit that actually caused me to tear up. I do not recall the last time my eyes were brimming with tears but I could barely see to read and then they just... OMG. I just read the most random sentimental shit that actually caused me to tear up. I do not recall the last time my eyes were brimming with tears but I could barely see to read and then they just fell. No sobbing. Just silent tears.


It was kinda cleansing. But now I'm sad. I have been in a funk for a while now and this long weekend has just been one long ass pity party/bitchfest/moping session. I hate when I get like this. I need to snap out of it. I am glad that I don't have a bunch of junkfood in the house or I would have gained about 10lbs this weekend alone. Giving me something else to cry about. Hit it Sam. :violin: ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-cryin-428/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/ungood-416/ Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:22:18 GMT I think I am going to find a volunteer gig and cuddle with crack babies or orphans or something. I don't know when I'd find the time unless I can hug orphans in the middle of the night though. I think I'm missing something. I need something else. I dunno what, but I need it cuz it's missing. Ungood.

I want a dog. A french bull dog, but I am gone from 8a to 8p, so when would I see the dog? I really want 2 dogs so they can keep each other company. But leaving them alone that long I fear they'd conspire against me and attack me one day for neglecting them. Ungood.

I think I'm just homesick this week. Two blasts from my past have vacationed in Florida this week and one of them did not bring his phone with my number on vacation and the fool called me when he got home to tell me he HAD been down here. Blah. The the other, my first everything--sex partner, love, heartbreak--was so heavily on my mind that I called him after swearing I would never call again. I broke the promise to myself and called him and behold and lo, he's here. Ugh. I am hoping my sister or my friend can come down soon before I completely go more insaner than I am now. Ungood.

I really should not be this upset that Tre was eliminated from "Top Chef". This is tragic. And a travesty even. He's so damned sexy. I am ashamed to admit that when they showed him in his boxers early in the episode, I engaged my rewind button several times. When I remembered that I also have a 'slow mo' button, I became eerily giddy and did the 'rewind'/'slow mo' combination more times than I care to remember. Ungood.

Has it come to this? Slow mo-ing a strange man on a televised cooking competition? One who is indubitably cute and sexy with his pretty brown self but is a bit questionable as he has 2 children (gross) and wears 2 hoop earrings (patooey!). This is sad. Even for me. Slow mo to see a n*gga in boxers for like 3 seconds stretched into about 6. Wow. Ungood.

What's even ungooder and pathetic-er is that I picked where I am moving based on the fact that my new roomie has a dog that LOVES me. I don't care if the bitch is psycho, her dog is the SHIT. I love him. More importantly, he loves me. He gave me a 'hug'. She said he's never done that before. I think she was jealous. I don't care. I have my man Biggie. He's an ugly lil pop-eyed fucker, but I don't care. Yeah I'm coveting someone else's ugly assed dog and couldn't be more excited. So ungood.

Oh well. Selah. Cest la. Whatever. I will find a new way to annoy my co-workers and amuse myself tomorrow. That will make me feel better. I hope so, because I dunno any crack babies. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/ungood-416/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-think-i-had-sex-today-410/ Sat, 11 Aug 2007 04:07:55 GMT I've had a good birthday even though it wasn't what I'm used to. I decided to get a mani/pedi, massage, and brasilian wax. I never made it to the nail place b/c I couldn't find it and found Steve's Pizza instead. Oh. My. Damn! The one on Biscayne is even better than the one by my house!! *hula hoops*

My whole day got off to a slow start b/c I went to sleep so late and I refused to rush. I wanted to be cute and comfy on my b-day so I put on this really cheap dress (I won't EVEN say where I got it) with my puerto rican hooker shoes that I bought at Aventura on vacation one time and never wore, I did my make-up, got my hair extra fluffy, and had a cute bag. My stupid ass decides a thong will go better with the dress and lo and behold I have one that matches--cute little leopard number.

When I say my ass looked like a brown and serve roll in that thong, I am not kidding. I AM GETTING OLD!! I've never had a badoonka donk, but DAMN what is this shit??? BROWN AND SERVE ROLL!!! I was feeling too good to really care at the time and tipped on out the door feeling like I looked too cute. But now this shit is bothering me. I don't even know if squats will help. I might have to take some drastic measures to get this ass together. Lawd!

My massage was OFF THE CHAIN!! That lil latin man worked me OVER!! So much so, that I think it was sex. I was getting pissed at first b/c homeboy fucked my hair all the way up. He was rubbin my scalp and then he kept pulling my hair and it felt DAMNED good. His elbow was all over my back and buttocks and just working all the knots and kinks out. I was in lala land. I was moaning and carrying on like a harlot. At one point, I even said "yes n*gga right THERE!" but I don't think he understood what I said. I've also never had a massage where they go all betwixt and between your tittays and ass cheeks. Work the ass cheeks--yes. Run yo hand betwixt them--no. Maybe he really thought my ass was a roll b/c he was kneading it like dough.

When he was done, I was SPENT. My legs were weak. I was incoherent and I could hardly stand. I looked in the mirror and my curls were WILD. All I could do was fluff it even more and make it more wild. I looked like an animal had attacked me with a loopy grin on my face. Just like when I have some good sex. I think that WAS sex. My body is so loose and relaxed. I feel satisfied. I'm going to need this to happen to me on a regular basis. Gots to make that happen. I'm not even mad I didn't have intercourse on my b-day b/c I had sex dammit! Goot sex too!

Even the hasty wench doing my brasilian could not ruin my high. Slow your ass down bitch! This my cooch not some fucking furniture you are tripping. Take your damned time with my merchandise. Hmph! Then comes back with some oil on a cloth and says "wipe yourself with this. inside. outside. front and back". This was after she had me holding my skin and doing all of this and that. Damn can I tip myself too!

Tomorrow it's back to the beach for the nails and more Steve's Pizza. :bananajump:. My hair will be done, possibly colored and I'm going to partay!

So yeah, today was a good day. I woke up at 6 in time to hear Steve Harvey's inspirational message and it was good and relevant. Then he played "Jesus is Love" by the Commodores which is a special song to me. I know my auntie had something to do with that being the 1st thing I heard today. I miss her soooo much, may she rest in peace. I think she programmed all of the stations for me today b/c I had a good time in my car jammin and chillin to music that was special to me and her. Cruisin the beach.

I talked to my sister, my mom sent a text saying she loves and misses me. My fart of a father didn't call me though. He still expects ME to call HIM on speciall occasions, even if it's MY occasion. I love him anyway and his beautiful card and money came. I talked to him when I got it--of course I called him. My family is so freakin weird.

I've had my scorching hot shower, I'm Johnson's Bedtime Lavendered down. And I might actually get some good sleep in tonight. That's always a good thing. I'm going to drink my water to flush out the toxins released by my massage first though. I will NOT make that mistake again.

Today was indeed a good day. I know I'm blessed even if I don't act like it sometimes. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-think-i-had-sex-today-410/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/feliz-cumpleanos-mi-407/ Fri, 10 Aug 2007 06:36:29 GMT Today is my birthday. I am old as dust. Damn. I remember thinking the 30's meant the end. I don't even feel like an adult, yet I feel old. Maybe tired or fatigued is more like it.

I actually remember my mother's 30th birthday party. I was about 5. We had a HUGE party at the house--in the house, in the backyard. My aunt was supposed to be bartender. It is funny to think of that now b/c she was only about 15 at the time. I always thought she was so grown and sophisticated and then it dawned on me years later that she was really only 9 years older than I was. Seemed so much older. I think it's b/c she cursed so cool and she could talk with a cigarette in her mouth. And she said "Chiiiiiii" alot when she was talking to her friends. Back then, that is what made a person 'grown up' to me.

I remember my sister and I used to act like we were grown and our house was an apt building (I used to be so fucking angry that we had to live in a stupid house when all the grown and sexy people lived in apts) and our rooms were apts. For some reason we always had laundry baskets on our hips with fake cigs and stood around gossiping calling each other "Chiii". It got to the point that when Daddy wanted to get rid of us, he'd say "Why don't yall go and play "Chiiiis"." Like it was a real game. We were some silly country lil girls. A huge house and every toy known to man, tvs in our rooms with cable, Atari, every record from every genre of music, hell my sister even had a fucking robot and all we wanted to do was play some game pretending to be 2 ghetto wainches living in an apt building doing laundry. Wow.

Anyway, I digress. My auntie Z was supposed to be the bartender and her ass was off with her boyfriend. Another reason she seemed so grown to me. So I took over the bar. I was 5. People got very drunk. They would point to what they wanted, and I would pour. And pour. We had a ball all that weekend. Paaaarrrrrtay! I dunno where my sister was.

My point is: I remember my mother's 30th birthday party b/c she'd seen fit to give me life. In her 20's. By age 30, my mother had been married 12 years, at the same job for 12 years, and living in the 2nd home that she'd owned. A niiiiice home. She had a niiiiice car---what you know 'bout a rust colored Cutlass Supreme?? And a niiiiice husband with 2 very niiiice children if I do say so myself. She had huge diamond rings from her very niiiice husband and his niiiiiiiicer job. Her wardrobe was SICK--I'm talking Helen Willis sit yo ass DOWN sick. All was right in her world.

So ummmm what in the FUCK is wrong with ME?? Damn!!! The idea of marriage makes me break out in hives (mental hives not physical hives b/c that's gross). I don't think I've had an adult boyfriend if I think real hard. Age-wise we were grown but that was some ignorant ass kiddie shit. I'll produce a hit record or a hit movie before I produce a child. I sold my niiiiice house and live with a lunatic. Yeah man, I am sooo not following my mother's path. She thinks it's great that I'm so 'free spirited' (what I like to call it) and 'crazy as hell' (what she likes to call it) b/c she never had the 'guts'/'stupidity' to do the things I've done. She likes to call me all kinds of crazy and proclaim that she doesn't know where I come from all the while grinning and cheering me on in my antics.

I'm my mother's daughter and I'm nothing like her. That makes me sad and glad cuz that bitch crazy.

Well, it's my birthday. I have thanked God for blessing me with another year of life. I have plans to be waxed, scrubbed, and massaged within an inch of my life so that should be fun. I will sit on Lincoln at a sidewalk cafe and have a loverly lunch of spinach and salmon. My toes will be freshly french and I will be in my kinda heaven. If dick was thrown in there some kinda way, it'd be like level 9 of my kinda heaven and if I got some new shoes or a purse then we're talking out of the stratosphere. But Daddy's money came and Ape sent me cookies---the sweetest delivery ever!! I was sooo touched! So I am good to go on the present front. Bean won't forget me but I am not expecting shit from my mother. She may or may not call.

I am my mother's daughter and I am exactly like her. That makes me sad and glad cuz that bitch crazy. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/feliz-cumpleanos-mi-407/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/you-see-your-gypsy-394/ Wed, 01 Aug 2007 04:36:18 GMT My ass should be asleep. I dunno why I fight it. I think I hate the silence. I'd rather fall asleep to the TV or radio than listen to the thoughts in my head until I drift off. The other night I decided to turn everything off and just go to sleep. Didn't work. I was up for hours. Silence was DEAFENING. This can't be normal. And it can't be normal that I've been this way for years.

I felt kinda uneasy all day. Like I'm sleepy/tired but I feel wired and antsy at the same time. I need to start sneaking off into the stairwell and screaming and/or jumping up and down a couplefew times. I feel the need for some sort of 'release'. Like I've got some shit pent up that needs to come out. Very unsettling.

I didn't feel like doing shit at work today so I tricked off most of the day and charged it to the game. Fuck them hoes. I work with a bunch of panty waste moronic dingleberries. UGH! They make me so fucking sick. Can't stand those 2-faced whores. I love the way they fuck things up and make more work for everyone else but quick to throw others under the bus. Forever making mistakes that increase others' workloads. Or try to pile shit on you so that you can look stupid or get overwhelmed. Then go mad when I kick ass and finish it all--and job well done I might add. WHAT SON?!! Fuck yall. Two times even.

I am not looking forward to the process of moving though I very much want to move. Since February of 2006, I have moved 6 times. Very unnerving. I feel like an aimless drifter. Always said I wanted to be a gypsy but I want to be free and totally unencumbered to go wherever I like and do what I want. Free as a bird. I have no children and sold my house, this should be a no-brainer. But it's not. So I wander. I'm so weird. Now I have all these songs in my head. Of course my girl Stevie Nicks sanging gypsyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I love that song and I love me some Stevie. If this damned computer battery wasn't so crazy, I could fall asleep to Stevie and some Fleetwood Mac tonight.

I'm also thinking Nelly Furtado's IIII'm like a biiiiiiiiiird, I'll only fly away!! I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is. That's some real shit. That's how I feel. My 'home' doesn't feel like it's home anymore. Have to make a new home. Then I started singing "Freebird" in my head. I can see it's a night for hippie white folks' music. Anything as long as it's not silence and the soundtrack that's on repeat in my head.

Like Ole Mistuh say "what we need is some stability around here". I feel wayward and lost. Like I need to settle down. But I don't like that word 'settle'. And I'd probably feel strangled and stifled. I just don't like feeling like I have no roots or no place that's established as 'home'. I've been gone from there over a year and life goes on without me. People dying, others having babies. None of it is real to me b/c I'm so far removed---physically, mentally, and emotionally. When I go back, there will be ALOT of shit to deal with. Guess I will find something to occupy my mind but allow me to wind down for the night. Don't want to oversleep AGAIN. Must be on time to work amongst the idiots.

Damn it looks like Stevie wins tonight:
To the gypsy that remains
faces freedom with a little fear
I have no fear, I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love

Yeah man. That bitch knows what she's talkin about. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/you-see-your-gypsy-394/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/b-day-390/ Mon, 23 Jul 2007 05:29:40 GMT Beyonce is a bad bitch!! I'm not a huge fan and certainly am not a Stan, but that is one bad bitch! I just got back from her concert and it was phenomenal! I do not get out much and I love live music so I've been looking forward to this for a while. Everything seemed to be going against me having a good time b/c my dominicans fucked up my hair: umm saying I want curls does not mean I wanna look like Marilyn McCoo circa "Solid Gold". And once the humidity got to that mass of fluffiness, ummm I was not cute.

Then my chings messed my nails up. She didn't put enough coats on for the color to really pop! Before I noticed, she'd put the top coat and oil on and everything. Was livid! But they threaded my brows something FIERCE.

Then came the wardrobe malfunction. It was rainy and cool so the dressy bermuda shorts and tank were not gonna fly. I went back to get white slacks instead and none in my size. Then I see a suit that goes perfecto with the shoes I'd planned to wear. I bought these shits last year and have never worn them. I was determined that my $300 would not go down the drain and would have worn them if I had a matching outfit or not. The suit was more than I wanted to spend but I said fuck it. Lo and behold, behold and lo the shit was on sale. Did I not do a happy dance in the store?

So! I was able to flat iron and wrap my hair so that it was gawjuss if I do say so myself. I took a chance (even though I was running late) and tried some new MAC colors for the eye and the shit came out gawjuss if I do say so myself. Nothing like a perfectly blended smokey eye! And I used that messy assed pigment w/o a problem. Go me! Go me! And even though the polish was not dark enough to be it's true color, it perfectly matched my outfit. Jesus loves me. Y Hay-soos me ama!

I get to the concert and the entertainment started in the parking lot. First dude I see has on a black beret, a white oxford crisply starched with the collar UP, a black 'hip hop is dead' tee over the oxford, then some white parachute-ish/Turbo and Ozone Electric Boogaloo pants with zippers and chains, then some black LEG WARMERS, and some kind skateboarding or break dancing sneakers. He was workin it! I dunno where the red oversized shades came from though. I snapped at his ass too.

Lawd The Chirren were in full force!! Glossy lipped negroes to the left of me, baby hair and gel wearing negroes to the right of me. It was a Glitterati parade. An extravaganza!! Work Chirren!!

The show was TIGHT. Pharrell brought his lil funny-lookin/cute self out with Robin Thicke. I missed most of Robin though. Then Miss Bey came on and tore the shit UP! Her band is bad as fuck too. I liked the male dancers but those females looked like skanks. I hate to be this way, but she needs some more black female dancers.

I dunno how she does that shit night after night but I appreciate it. She earned every dime of that ticket price too. I was in *** hag heaven surrounded by cuban gays and hollered out "Work bitch!" and "Sang heffa!" on more than one occasion. They loved it!! How I do love my gays. They are the best audience for my Leo shenanigans. Then I had the nerve to drop down low and sweep the flo' wit it, fearing I'd never get back up. I just thank the Lord for Nike air insoles. Cole Haan is genius for that shit b/c I was on my feet the whole time.

So glad I went!! ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/b-day-390/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/him-379/ Sun, 15 Jul 2007 20:15:19 GMT I saw him today. Stupid ass tivo just recording things willy nilly and changing my channels. I don't watch this fucking channel. But I turn off the DVD player and this is what's on. There he is. Sitting in the dug-out grinnin and skinnin with one of his team mates. Looking sooo happy and beautiful. I dunno why it's important to me that he's happy. He doesn't care if he's happy and certainly doesn't give a fuck if I'm happy.

I dunno why I like men with 'problems'. Maybe I think I can fix them or something. I can't even fix myself. But somehow I think that I can help others overcome their bullshit. I dunno why it pains me so to see a man in turmoil. I get physically ill to my stomach. Feels like a punch or a kick to my mid-section to see a man in pain. I take my penis envy and simultaneous admiration too far.

I could see what special brand of asshole he was from the giddy up. Can be sooooo funny and fun to be around and talk to one minute, then the next minute will have me wanting to fucking kill him and kiss him at the same time. He's so sensitive and so fucking EXTRA. I found msyelf not being myself to soothe him and stroke his ego. That's soo ungood and sooo Stepford Wifelike. And he has his own wife to do that. That's the other thing. The wife. Ugh! I cannot believe I was that damned stupid, selfish, and sinful. God will get me for that. I think I've already been punished. I hope it's over b/c I think I've suffered enough.

It's 4pm. My room still looks like a crack den. I haven't studied. I'm on LSA like it's the antidote and will be mad as fuck tomorrow when I'm scrambling to get to work on time. The theme of this week is ORGANIZATION. I'm going to be organized even if it kills me. Which it very well might. I'm going to be organized and something else. I just don't know what yet. But I feel the need to have 2 goals. To make 2 changes.

I have 2 outings planned for the weekend and I'm looking forward to the events--just not the silverback bitch I'm going with. She is such an asshole. I try to be kind and supportive of her but she's a mean bitch. She thinks nothing of hurting my feelings so I'm done tip-toeing around her and her raggedy ass feelings. The gloves are off. It's ON. She needed a favor from me earlier this week and when she tried to bully me and get smart to TELL me what I was going to do and how I was going to do it, I informed her to find someone else. I guess she thought I was kidding b/c I saw I had a missed call from her around the time that she needed to be picked up. Guess she knows now. I can show her better than I can tell her ass.

Oh well. What I'm NOT going to do is leave this raggedy ass beisbol game on my tv. I just won't. I don't feel like getting into my netflix b/c all I have left is "Godfather" 1-3. That's too long and too heavy to get into. I feel like I need to concentrate and give that all of my attention. Alot can be learned from gangsters and I need to take heed of all the lessons. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/him-379/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/sometimes-i-feel-like-motherless-chile-373/ Tue, 10 Jul 2007 07:29:14 GMT I miss my mommy. I miss my mommy. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/sometimes-i-feel-like-motherless-chile-373/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/whoooo-haaaaa-361/ Sun, 01 Jul 2007 05:02:24 GMT The gods are against me. Today is not working out. Didn't get my hurr did and my trip to Sobe was ruined by ghetto shenanigans and what I think was a plot to get me involved in a nasty 3some.

Then I come and vent it all out in my blog and my computer dies. Damn Chauncey I'm getting sick of this battery issue. We gotta do better son. It was all deleted but at least I got it all out.

Sobe is so loverly. I'd almost forgotten. I haven't been since I moved here. It was good to be down there even given the company I kept. I went all the way to Sobe for a $20 turkey samich, to be rained on, and go to a sex shop with 2 hot messes that are trying to get me involved in their hot ghetto monkey lovin. Tried to shame me into it by telling me that my poosay has dust on it. Well I'd rather she have dust than cooties. Cuz yall motherfuckers look DISEASED. So to that request I have to say NO THANK YOU. I actually didn't say shit. I played the deaf/mute on their asses and happily returned to the car to go home.

What the motherfuck? How is a raggedy, homeless, unemployed, dirty lookin broke down man tittay havin Busta Rhymes look alike (but waaaaaaaaaay uglier) gonna tell me about my poosay? What nerve my 'friend' had to discuss my business with him. Why did she even invite him? He was having a fucked up day so going to wait for two chicks to get their popas waxed was gonna make it better? Blah.

Oh well. South Beach will always be there and I have a car and free will. I can go back w/o being embarrassed and w/o being rushed and missing my popa appointment. I'll have to re-schedule my appointment under an assumed name after the fiasco that happene today. How did a perfectly good plan to go to J Sisters for a brasilian and have a lovely meal turn to such shit? I blame Busta.

[/FONT] ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/whoooo-haaaaa-361/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/return-mack-aroni-358/ Sat, 30 Jun 2007 04:58:37 GMT Ahhhh!! My return to Blogland. For some reason I felt like making a blog entry tonight. Now I dunno what to talk about. My mind is blank. Maybe it's fatigue. I'm sleepy than the mofo, but as usual I won't take my ass to sleep. I fight it like a baby and then am pissed that I'm sleepy and cranky all day.


Boredom is a bitch. An evil spiteful bitch. But I will kick her motherfucking ass, eventually. I have 'plans' tomorrow that will keep me out of the house all damned day. I'm taking bets with myself on how well that shit will work out. The fact that Fatass will be here is motivation enough to get the fuck out of the house. That skank has plucked the last of my good nerves. I don't even wanna see her pale fat face b/c I might scream on her. I'm sitting here now in Daddy's tube socks pulled over my knee, pajama pants, 2 shirts (long sleeve and short sleeve) and wrapped in a stadium blanket.

Is this Miami or the frozen fucking tundra? Do I look like Nanook bitch? IT'S COLD!! She wouldn't need to pump the air like this if she'd lose some damned weight or MOVE. She sits in that bed on those damned flannel Eyore sheets for HOURS. I know how often she gets up b/c I can hear her big ass lumbering across the floor. And it aint often. I wonder if she's washed those sheets since March when I moved in here. I sure hope so. I'd vomit if I ever found out for sure they're the same sheets. She has the same dishcloth and sponge and they haven't been changed or washed. I threw the sponge away. I guess I'll do the same with her dish cloth and blame it on the kid. That's nasty. It's not like she washes dishes but it's nasty. I spray everything with clorox immediately upon entering the kitchen. And she's not allowed to use my dishcloth. I don't own a sponge b/c they are nasty as fuck.

So tomorrow I register for my gym classes and get a brasilian wax to prep for my pool class on Monday. Yaaaaaaaaaay!! I am starting to look and feel a little unkept and unruly around groin area b/c I haven't had a brasilian in sooooo long. Should be fun. Bearilla is going with me. Ugh! I need new friends!! Upgrade!! I shouldn't be like that. She's OK most of the time. I just hope she doesn't embarrass me or piss me off. Both are highly likely and not mutually exclusive. We're supposed to go to dinner too. I am debating if I want to let the dominicans touch up my relaxer b/c my barrio hair is getting a bit unruly in this humidity. I haven't had it blown out since March! I want my relaxer now so I can get color when I go home in August. Yay! I'll have to wear a swim cap like a dork on Monday. I'm just glad that my hair is still curly even when I get a relaxer b/c Lord knows I can't keep it straight on my own.

I kinda miss home and I miss my family. I cannot wait to see them. Especially knowing I don't have to stay. Ha! I can swoop in and get loved up and eat some real food and then swoop out again. I'm trying to make Miami work. I really love my job and most of the people there. Some of them bitches are lunaticky as fuck and the office politics are fucked up but I like the work and a few of my co-workers are darlings. Miss New Booty is going to be on vacation for 4 days and I feel stupid feeling like I'm going to miss her. She makes the day go by faster and we trip out. She's going on a real vacation right after this short one and I bet I will be nuts by the time she gets back. I'm kinda pissed with Va and I don't wanna be too chummy with her ass until she makes up for pissing me off. The new white chick is doofy as fuck but amusing. Ole crotchety Jamaican lady is a trip but I can't understand shit she says. I'm hella good with accents but I think I'm going deaf and she talks soooooo fast. But even when I can 'understand' what she says as in make out the words, I don't 'comprehend' b/c she just talks out the side of her neck. I used to be scared of her when I first started there but now I see she's cool.

This room really needs to be cleaned. But I do not plan to be here tomorrow and Sunday is Netflix day. I don't feel so bad about being so boring b/c at least I've reduced "netflix weekend" to "netflix day".

I found out HE has a kid now. Wow. Googled his ass like a fucking groupie. Found out his airwaitress was pregnant at the time of our last encounter. She was GOOD and pregnant too so of course he knew. Didn't say a motherfucking word. Why would he? Would it have mattered? I'd like to think it would have but who the fuck am I kidding?? It should have mattered that he was married but it didn't. I did EXACTLY what I wanted to do and had been wanting to do for over a year. So I've sown the seed and must be prepared for the reaping. I've been paying for that deed but I wonder if I paid enough. Like when I find my 'HIM', will some bitch like me be fucking HIM in fabulous hotel rooms making HIM jibber jabber like a fool and risk everything to see her? Hmm. It's possible. I am even wondering if HIM is a possibility for me. Maybe I was born to be single going from one 'fuck buddy' relationship to another. I dunno if I could handle more than that. Emotions are too powerful. Too complicated. *sigh*

Wow. It's not freezing anymore. Off with the long-sleeved tee and now off with the socks. My lids are heavy and I think it's time to lay down, lay down. I really need "Carlito's Way" on DVD along with a few others like "Long Kiss Goodnight". That was some hot shit!

I'm in 'gangsta/gangster' mode since "Sopranos" finale. So last weekend was "Untouchables", "Good Shepherd" (fell asleep) and "Breach"--pretty good, along with Disc 1 of Season 1 of "Sopranos". Now I have the rest of Season 1 and "The Godfather 1". Then it's all Sopranos and Deniro for a good long while. wooooo hooooooo BOBBAAAAAAAAAAAY! Beddy bye time for the kid. Who am I kidding?? I'll be up for hours.

I'd forgotten how much 'fun' this is. Therapeutic. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/return-mack-aroni-358/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/who-dis-heah-woman-127/ Fri, 17 Nov 2006 07:50:37 GMT I am not myself. I have moved to an exciting city and I'm bored out of mind. I'm just not feeling like myself and I really don't feel comfortable going out anywhere. I don't really know anyone here and normally that wouldn't be a problem for me. Usually, I don't mind going out alone and doing things: dinner, movies, clubs or whatever. It's just not in me right now to do it. I feel very self-conscious and out of my element. I think alot of it has to do with stress and the ridiculous shit I've been through lately. The people I am supposed to trust the most have betrayed me. The person that I have done the most for (and undeservingly so) completely flipped on me. I feel like I am totally alone in this world right now. I miss my family and I really want to go home but I will never move back there ever again. I don't even really want to go for a visit b/c of all the lies that have been told about me. How am I supposed to show my face again, especially not knowing what has been said. I can't go out there 'protesting too much' and telling my side of the story b/c I know when people do that, I automatically think they are lying. So I just have to bear it. I just have to live with the fact that people that I care about think horrible things about me.


I'm really hurt. I do my best to honor and protect the people I love. To have them sit and gossip about me like it's funny hurts me. To have them talk to a crazy cracked out person and repeat the lies this person has told them, hurts me. To have a bitch that I have taken care of for over 20 years, stood beside her when she was dead ass wrong (which is most of the time), and taken care of her children treat me like a dog in the street hurts. I cannot even concentrate on ME b/c I'm thinking about all of this bullshit. How can I go confidently into the world if I don't trust anybody? I can't feel confident when those who are supposed to have my back simply don't. I mean if my mother can gossip about me like it's funny, then who can be trusted?

I've really got to snap out of this. I thought a change of location would help a whole lot but I see it goes deeper than changing scenery. I've got to change myself. I'll get there. I have to. I'm just tired. I think I've been so busy with this unexpected move and trying to get established out here that I haven't really processed all that has happened. I wanna be ME again--I used to have a ball. I'd be the life of any party and if there wasn't a party I'd create one wherever I was. I could and would talk to anybody about anything and leave a lasting (good) impression on them. I am no Halle Berry but I did not hesitate to approach any man I was interested in and men LOVED me. I had that certain something that they just seemed drawn to. I'm no mutt, but like I said, I'm no Halle Berry but I never had a problem attracting attractive men or getting any guy I wanted. I realize the certain something I had was confidence and an attitude and personality that would not quit.

Well it seems to have quit. And I've got to bring it back. I joked to my best friend that I have to bring my sexy back. But I really do. I don't feel good about the outside right now but more important to me is the inside. I am just not the happy self-loving girl that I know I can be. I am going to pray that all of this changes for the better. I know I have to DO something to make these changes and I basically know what I need to do--I just have to devise a plan and do it. I feel like I am depressed and turning into a depressing person. I have been that fake bitch since I moved down here. I told my girl that I might seem chipper and OK but don't be alarmed if I go slam off or burst into tears and curl into the fetal position once everything finally hits me. She thinks I'm kidding b/c she's never seen that side of me. I guess b/c I wasn't around her often enough and when I was I was 'on'. I was happy go lucky and ready to do anything or go anywhere with anybody. She doesn't know this side of me and I haven't really let it show. I'm exhausted from being so damned fake. I thank God when she goes to work or goes out b/c I can just be a slug like I wanna be. When she's here, I have to act and I don't wanna.

Things will get better. I will conquer this and be better for having gone through all of this. I will. I truly believe that. I have to believe or I might as well toss in the towel NOW. I'm not ready to give up just yet though so I gotta keep on keepin on. I just hope that I'm able to snap out of this shit soon. I know it's not going to be overnight and it will take some work on my part, and I'm willing to do it. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/who-dis-heah-woman-127/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/bienvenido-miami-124/ Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:55:20 GMT I finally got unpacked today! Yay! Molehill (my housemate) says she's shocked that I got finished this weekend lol. I had like 32 boxes shipped UPS and a car full of shit to unpack. My car is still a mess and I'm going to clean it out tomorrow and take it to be detailed. It took the better part of the day to box all my shoes and get them organized. I made the mistake of going to The Container Store and I saw these clear shoe boxes with clear lids that I want to change over too. Fuck Rubbermaid lol. Those boxes were hot. They even had double boxes with a pull-out drawer for 2 pairs of shoes. I gotta get em! When I move, I am having a 'shoe room' again and I'm converting all of my boxes. I need therapy b/c the idea of this should not make me so giddy.

I am loving Miami so far. Even though I haven't really been anywhere. I feel like an alien or like I came from a different country. I have to get used to traffic again and being around so many people. Not many folks in No Man's Land. Even during 'rush hour' there wasn't much traffic. I have to get my aggressive driving skills back up again before I get pulvverized on these streets. I got sooo excited to see real stores. To know there is a Sephora!! To know there is MAC and Nordstrom's close by is making me lightheaded. There are shoe stores everywhere! I dn't have to drive an hour to get to Bed Bath and Beyond for sheets or whatever. I'm amazed! I cannot wait to go shopping. I'm so excited.

I'm glad I didn't buy a new winter coat or too many winter clothes. I got like 2 sweaters and 2 pairs of boots b/c the shopping out there sucked ass. I hadn't made it to 'the big city' to do any cold weather shopping yet. I'm pissed I relaxed my hair anticipating winter weather though. Figured no curls for me b/c I can't leave the house with damp hair in a blizzard. Now I will have to wait a minute for my hair to curl again.

I miss the children but I don't miss that God foresaken place at all. The geezer I met tried to talk me into staying out there b/c he 'wanted' me so bad. ***** fuck you. I have never tried 'internet dating' but signed up for a meeting site b/c for black people b/c there weren't many out that way. Dude was handsome, nice body and older. I figured he might have enough sense for the both of us. I should have known better. His e-mail 'convo' was decent enough though he played those 'guess u don't want me' games. But when I got his ass on the phone I liked to have lost my lunch! I don't mind a southern or country accent but he sounded like a hillbilly grandma! Talked all crazy like an old ass woman. His voice turned me completely off. And so did his stupid comments. Men!

Then while I"m on the road, I stop in Atlanta because it was raining hard. I go to Gladys and Ron's as I do every time I'm there to see if the rain will let up. It doesn't. So I fight traffic and water to get to McDonough b/c I don't want to stay in the city and deal with traffic in the morning. I contact an old friend that I grew apart from when we ruined our friendship with sex. He showed his ASS and it made me even more upset than I already was. Then another friend of mine that I haven't spoken to in a month or maybe more must have smelled me in the Georgia air and he called me. Found out I was in the area and tried to talk me to death. U are NOT coming over here dude. He's so nice to me and I love that. He says kind things to me and talks to me sweetly and sometimes I need that. But he's in a fucked up situation and I cannot deal with it so I don't even allow it to phase me.

I need to find about 3 male friends to occupy me lol. Keep them in rotation b/c I get bored with people. Not even that, I need constant attention right now and I'd wear one dude out so I need to spread it around a little bit lol. I'm having a hard enough time finding one dude that's worth my time and trouble, I wish myself luck finding 3.

Molehill has 2 dudes she's juggling. I hate to tell her that one is dissing her big time. I haven't met him yet but from what I hear, I probably will never meet him. She hasn't seen him in over a month and he stood her up the other night. Then called the house phone when he knew she was at work. Game playing. She doesn't see it and I won't be the one to point it out. She claims he's soooo fine and sexy. I'd have to see to believe because her taste is questionable. The other guy is HUGE. I call him mountain, hence she is called molehill, b/c he's so big. He's nice though. Seems a lil clingy from what she says and that's her major beef with him. But he'd do anything for her and he's sweet. He was here again today and I realize I need to find me a man QUICK instead of always feeling like a 3rd wheel. ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/bienvenido-miami-124/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/road-again-123/ Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:37:11 GMT Well the bitch went bonkers and I left the same day I started packing. I have never been talked to and treated the way she talked to and treated me. And I wondered why people kept stopping by and... Well the bitch went bonkers and I left the same day I started packing. I have never been talked to and treated the way she talked to and treated me. And I wondered why people kept stopping by and just sitting in the kitchen. I later found out she was 'afraid' of me and what I might do. I left to get boxes and she had some strange man I never seen before moving my boxes out of the bedroom and into the garage. Then moves them to the driveway. I called the police but when I thought about the kids and making a big scene, I decided not to. Now I wish I had b/c alot of my stuff is missing. She wouldn't let me get my things and told me she'd put them on the porch to come get them. Still alot is missing. I wanted to beat the shit out of her, but again not in front of the kids.


She got sooo angry when her neighbors down the street came and got my stuff and put it in their garage. I guess she thought I'd beg her to stay in 'her' house that she's too stupid to even have her name on. Not! I got my shit and called UPS to ship it and checked into a hotel. Fuck the dumb shit. I do not stay anywhere I'm not wanted. I have owned my own home IN MY OWN NAME. Not lived in a house in my husband's name. Well I hope it made her feel good and real big to think she was kicking me out in the street. I really hope she got off on that b/c she will pay for it. I knew I didn't have to leave and that what she did was illegal, but I didn't want to cause a scene. Now I will sue. It was expensive to up and move on a day's notice. And she will pay. She laughed at me for watching judges Judy, Joe, Mathis, Milian and any others that come on TV. Everyday the same fucking question "you like this shit?". Yes bitch! I LOVE it and now you will wish you had watched too b/c I am suing your ass. Even if I put the money in a college fund for my niece, I'm going to sue the FUCK out of this worthless lying bitch.

I don't know if I'm more angry or hurt by what she did. To lie on me and embarrass me like that. Telling people I am on the run from the law and that's why I moved out there. Telling people I want her husband and her kids and that's why I 'lied' and said she had an affair. She even told my mother that I said my mother was having an affair. You don't do that to people. Especially people that have done nothing but help you. It's OK--tell it all to the judge bitch.

I hit the road after spending a few days in town making arrangements to move to Miami. That's where I was supposed to have moved had I not been doing this bitch a favor. So I set myself to drive across country all alone. I wasn't phased a bit. I had a setback when I blew a tire and had to spend the night 5 hours from my goal destination for that day, but it was all good. I spent the night and got 4 new tires and an alignment. Made it to St. Louis the following day. Stayed at the same hotel I stayed at over the summer with my niece when we drove back out there. 17th floor--spectacular view of the arch and the city. I want to go back to the Lou for a real stay. I didn't want to get off track so I didn't stay and shop or get my hurr did like I wanted to. I had gotten a mani/pedi and got my hair colored and trimmed before I left the frozen Tundra. It was funny that people were blowing my phone up checking on me like I should be a basket case and I was out at the salon. Fuck it.

I made it to Miami safely and I'm chillin. Livin in a house with a pool out back. I win. I left a blizzard to come chill in paradise. I don't think I'm going to stay in Miami long though. It's my chill spot and I don't want to ruin it by living here. I'll be heading to Charlotte in a few months. Right now I just need to chill out and collect myself. Work out and get rid of this weight I picked up out there in No Man's Land. I have my days free for a while so Bally's, Core Secrets, and the backyard pool are my buddies. It's hot as hell out here and I cannot be all covered up! So it's work time. I'll get 'er done. \ ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/road-again-123/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/blindsided-118/ Wed, 01 Nov 2006 08:41:07 GMT Well. Just when I thought this bitch couldn't get any crazier and my life couldn't get any worse, she gets crazier and it gets worse. This bitch has the audacity to be angry at ME and tell me that she and her childdren don't need me here. So I'm leaving. She had the nerve to be nasty and tell me that she's not going to explain to me what's going on b/c all I will do is lie. If that aint the pot calling the kettle a motherfucker. All of this mess and drama started b/c she is the biggest liar I've ever met. And b/c people started unraveling her lies and called her on her shit, she turns on me. She can't be a woman and accept responsibility for what she's done so she turns on me. I am the only real friend she's ever had. I am the one that she could call on for anything. I've been there for her through just about everything.

When she was being kicked out of her foster home, I brought her to my house w/o even asking my parents. When she ran off to get married and that clown left her in another country with a newborn, I told her to come 'home' even though I was away at college. My whole family welcomed her back with open arms and took care of her and her baby like our own. Every state and country she moved to with her 2nd husband, I would send care packages for her kids. Clothes, coats, shoes, toys. I spent almost 2k on them one Christmas when they came from Germany and all she could do was cry b/c my mother didn't give her a video camera like she gave to my little cousins, even though she had a video camera.

I moved all the way across the country to a town where I have no life just to help her out with her kids through a difficult time. I have bought every morsel of food they have eaten, every piece of toilet paper they have wiped with, every drop of drink they have had for the past 5 months. I pay for the children to get their hair done, go out with their friends, school things. I take them to their practices, doctor appointments, school, and to work. I have held her hand going through 2 divorces, a criminal trial, and all kinds of trouble. The way she re-pays me is to spread lies about me to people that I don't even know and now to talk to me like a dog in the street and tell me to leave her house.

This is the thanks I get after more than 20 years of taking care of this girl. To be dismissed and treated like shit after all I've done for her. The kids are going to be devastated and I'm going to miss them like crazy. But it is what it is. Maybe I need this so I can move on and do bigger and better things with my life. There is nothing out here for me and I was basically holding up my progress. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I will think of it that way and try to look forward to a new and better chapter in my life. I will believe that this is for the best and I will make it work out for the best.

I don't know how I will say goodbye to these kids so maybe I won't. I'll leave a note for the oldest one on how to contact me if she needs too. She's going to be so hurt. I hope her mom doesn't take her aggravation out on them. She's going to blame them for telling of the abusive things she's done to them. I just hope that since she knows people are watching her now, that she will change her ways and get some serious help b/c she needs it.

I'm so fucking hurt that I don't even know what to think, let alone what to do.
And all she could say to me was to ask me if I called to get the DTV and DSL cut off. Then gonna raise her voice at me when I ignored her. This bitch is bonkers. I'm more hurt than angry and feel like a sucka for helping her for so many years. I feel stupid b/c if she came to her senses, I'd forgive and try to forget and work things out. That's my problem, I have a hard time cutting people out of my life. She is useless and is actually a drain on me causing me harm and still I want to work things out. That cannot be normal. I have got to stand strong and keep it moving. Keep moving forward.

I didn't think I had made any friends out here, but there are alot of people that I will miss and am upset that I won't be able to keep in touch with. Her BOYfriend got on my last nerve but he grew on me. I will never see him again and won't be able to check on him in Iraq to know he's OK. There's no telling what she will tell people about me and I can't even defend myself. But just like we found out about her lying manipulative ways, so will they. I won't ever see my youngen again or find out if he's OK in Iraq. That's the part that sucks. Is that I am leaving people I care about high and dry over her foolishness. What will these kids do? She made them walk home in the cold today rather than let me pick them up from school. There is no telling what she has told them or what she will tell them b/c she certainly won't admit that she fucked up, got caught and can't take the heat so she's blaming me.

Nope. She sure won't. And aint a damned thing that I can do but go on with my life and learn from this whole mess.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/blindsided-118/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/b-e-t-r-y-l-117/ Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:18:33 GMT This funky bitch has been throwing around the word "betrayed" like loose change lately. First of all, if she could spell it then I might let her slide with using it. But I know damned well she can't. First, her daughter 'betrayed' her b/c SHE had an affair and her huuusband found out. She felt 'betrayed' b/c she feels her daughter should have lied and denied til the end like she does. Now, she feels that I 'betrayed' her b/c I didn't tell her her mother-in-law was coming out here until she was on her way home. Well first of all, I wasn't supposed to tell her at all. But I felt it was wrong to let someone come into their own home and be blindsided. I didn't tell her earlier in the day b/c she has been fucking up so much on her job lately that I knew she would go ballistic and either leave early or be crying and shit. Or she might do something stupid and run away or something.

All because she is not woman enough to face the consequences of what she has done. She had an affair and brought her children into it and she is an abusive mother. Now that all of her lies are being brought to light she wants to try and blame everyone else. Or go into attack mode and spread lies about everyone else to take the focus off of herself. I was really hurt to learn of the lies she has told on me to her husband's family and to her friends. It hurt me but it didn't surprise me. I brushed it off and let it go. I had to step up when she started lying on her children and lying to them trying to pit them against folks---including me. I draw the line at her calling MY mother to lie on me and start trouble. And the fact that my mother believed her hurts the most. I can't win for losing.

Everyone that I have ever tried to help has fucking turned on me and done shit to fuck me over. I don't get it. I have taken care of this girl since we were kids, even though she is older than I am. I would do ANYTHING for her and her kids and have done just about everything for them and all she can do is try to lie on me and make me look like a bad person. Just because she won't cop to the bullshit that she has done. She knows I have a shaky relationship with my mother and she pulls this bullshit stunt to lie on me to my mother further damaging our relationship. Wow. I cannot believe this shit. Even though it is totally believable coming from her.

I am soooooo hurt that I dunno what to do. What I feel like doing is to let her huuusband know the real deal about her affair. It wasn't just a couple of dates. The ***** was living here, sleeping in his bed, driving his car, and interacting with his children daily. Mofo even kept dude's dog overnight. You don't fuck with a man's car and his dog on top of his wife! C'mon now! I also feel like telling her mother-in-law to go ahead and take the children b/c I won't be staying out here making myself miserable in No Man's Land frozen Tundra to babysit that bitch and make sure she doesn't accidently or on purpose kill one of her kids. It's best that they just go with their grandparents anyway. So the kids and I will be gone and she can be here alone. That's if her huuusband lets her stay in the house. He already said he'd cut all the utilities off and make her cut them on in her own name and pay the bills.

Now that her BOYfriend is gone and her huuusbnd is gone, when I am gone and her children are gone what in the fuck is she going to do then? That bitch does not realize who really has her back. Who is really down for her and watching out for her. If she did, she would not do the shit she's doing. Her huuusband is not perfect but he has put up with ALOT from her thieving trifling money hongry lying manipulative cheating ass. And STILL wants to work their marriage out. If only homeboy knew. I have stood by her paying her way for YEARS and letting her take advantage of me thinking she's getting over. I guess she really took me for stupid. Her kids are innocents in all this and love her even after all of the horrible shit she's done to them but she still mistreats them and ignores them. It's funny how cheerful and giddy she's been since the MIL got here. Putting on her fake bitch act in front of her MIL. The kids and I just sit back and snicker at how phoney she is.

Well this isn't a laughing matter. Play time is over and I'm ready to take my toys and go the fuck home. Wherever 'home' is. I don't even know if I have a fucking 'home' anymore. I am so pissed at my mother. She believes this lying psychopath over me on top of believing the crackwhore over me. And sits on the phone entertaining these two lunatics and commiserating with them over what a horrible person I am. OK Ma. I see how you do too. I will go somewhere and make a home for myself somehow. Fuck this dumb shit.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/b-e-t-r-y-l-117/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/marble-dump-116/ Tue, 24 Oct 2006 23:55:51 GMT Sooo! Sister is a lying ass lunatic and I'm really scared b/c she has proven to have serious mental issues. She refuses to accept responsibility for anything that she has done or for the fact that she has a mental problem. Everything is somebody else's fault and she will blame them and continue to lie even when she is caught. It's really very scary. Especially considering she has children that she's supposed to be raising. I promised her huuusband that I'd stay out here either until he gets back from Iraq or until she gets into help and is making some real progress. I'm thinking I will be here til he gets back b/c homegirl hasn't made appointment the first. And she will sit up in therapy and lie her ass off. She will blame her children and lie on them and on me.

I can't say that I was shocked to hear all the lies she's told on me. That's one reason I don't like to meet people in her life b/c I never know what lie she has told them about me. I have learned this week that several people in her huuusband's family dislike me based on things she has told them. LIES she has told them. I'm used to her lying on me though. I just will not stand for her lying on and lying to her children and teaching them to lie.

So with all the lying, bloody noses, threats to ship the oldest to her abusive father, etc. Shoewhore has been having panic/anxiety attacks left and right. Had I not known better, I'd have sworn I was having heart attacks. The pain is unbearable. I do not like feeling out of control and I need to be strong and of my right mind to help these kids and also to deal with the dramas of my life. So I went to see a therapist. I met her at my doctor's appointment last week and she seemed cool enough. My thing is, I'm talking about DRUGS! I need them BADLY and this hippie bitch is telling me how to breathe. Fuck a deep breath! I need some sedatives! She's cool though so I will go back. I need to get shit off my chest and I don't think this journal is quite cutting it for all the shit I'm going through.

So I'm down to my last sedative. I wouldn't take one during my recent anxiety attacks b/c even though they were bad, I didn't want to waste the last pill if I could wait it out. So now I have to get a script for some more b/c I see I have a long haul in front of me. Shit is just not going well. I am visibly nervous, agitated and ill at ease even to perfect strangers. People are constantly asking me am I OK or if something is wrong b/c I seem to have a pained expression on my face and I am fidgety and nervous acting. That's not a good look. So Hippie tells me about breathing and drinking some damned tea instead of calling the doc for some fucking lorazepams like somebody with some fucking sense. I don't drink no gawddamned tea! And then tells me to journal and to do 'marble dumps' by getting out all of my negative feelings so I can sleep at night. I got pills for that bitch. According to Hippie, every time I have anxiety or get upset or whatever, it's like swallowing a marble. My body cannot digest a marble so they build up and pile up until they get to the point that they are choking me. So! What I'm supposed to do is drink this fucking tea after a hot shower at night and then journal away my negative thoughts. Yeah OK.

I doubt if any of that shit will work. I cannot journal b/c I live with a nosey bitch that I do not trust. I don't like no fucking tea. I will have to find ways to soothe myself though so that I can stop having these fucking nightmares and waking up at the ass crack of dawn with bubble guts unable to go back to sleep. My tummy is in turmoil behind all of this stress and nonsense. Maybe this will help with my efforts to lose weight. I swear I can hardly eat b/c my stomach is in knots. I forget to eat or I feel full all day.

Hippie also suggested that I walk. I know I need to exercise. Not only to lose this extra weight that I'm lugging around, but also to make myself feel better. I do feel better when I exercise regularly. I just have to get the energy and the gumption to fucking do it. I wish I had someone to walk or work-out with, but at the same time, I'd rather do it alone. If this fucking dog wasn't so ugly and insane, I could walk him daily since he spends most of his time alone. These kids are too caught up in their own shit to pay him much attention. I feel sorry for him but dammit that mofo is crazy and I'm scared he'll bite me if I try to be nice to him.

It's early still. I can go for a walk before I have to go thru the nighttime routine with the kids. Dammit! The boy is calling because he needs a ride home. Shit. I feel like a mutherfucking taxi cab. My poor little 2 door coupe is turning into a fucking mom mobile. I should have sold my car and just taken over the payments n their father's SUV. I might need that shit this winter and then with hauling these kids and their friends around. Damn I should have thought of that before he left. He was going to leave the thing here but now since he doesn't trust the wife, he left it with his buddy to sell.

Damn my nerves are so bad I could scream. And this child is testing my patience. Gonna stomp all the way up the steps and slam her door b/c I said she can't go outside to the ice cream truck. First of all, you are sick and have no business outside. Secondly, there is a freezer full of about 5 different kinds of ice cream, popsicles, and every other kind of candy and goodies in here. She gonna catch an attitude and stomp and slam doors. I stomped right behind her and unplugged her TV and dared her to plug it back in b4 I tell her she can. I know she's going through some shit with her parents right now but dammit so am I and she is going to have to learn not to disrespect me. I am also trying to show their mother that there are other ways of teaching them a lesson or disciplining them w/o beating the shit out of them and cursing them out. The TV is unplugged and that's all that needs to be said about the matter. I am hoping she lets it go at that and doesn't start screaming and cursing at the girl. This is punishment enough.

I'm dumping the fucking marbles and I don't feel any less pressure on my chest. Hippie has to come up with something better.


]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/marble-dump-116/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/my-wits-end-113/ Sat, 21 Oct 2006 02:40:51 GMT I was planning to have a pleasant day: handle some business and try to stay warm and basically chill. Nope! I am living with a lunatic and I'm really afraid for her and for the rest of us. I am going to talk to her husband and then see what kind of mental help I can find her b/c she really needs some help. I cannot believe the way this grown ass woman lies. Then she admonishes her daughter for telling the truth and applauds her other daughter for telling a baldfaced lie. I wondered why her husband calmed down after he found out about her BOYfriend. It's b/c the bitch lied on her own child--and I think she lied on me too.

She kept saying "i am not mad" and telling the children she doesn't hate them so I knew she was pissed and as soon as her husband left and I wasn't around, she was going to light their asses UP. I was out today and came into the garage and didn't see her and the oldest sitting in the car. I knew something was up and I just went in the house. Had I known the extent of what was going on I would have taken the child out of the car then. She cursed her daughter out for telling the truth. So loudly that her friends and their mother heard across the street. She then hit her in the nose and gave her a bloody nose, then told her it was her fault. Then she hit her a 2nd time in the nose and then tried to wipe off the blood but the child moved back thinking she was going to be hit again and she said 'i see why your real father cannot stand you. and when i divorce ****** you won't have a father and i guess u won't have a mother either'. Then she comes in the house and asks the girl why she got her shirt dirty. BITCH YOU HIT HER IN THE NOSE AND GAVE HER A BLOODY NOSE.

All this b/c SHE had an affair and moved the guy in behind her husband's back and flaunted him all over town. She told her daughter if the father gets mad and kicks them out of the house it's her fault, if her BOYfriend gets kicked out of the military for having the affair it's her fault. And of course it was her fault her nose bled and she got blood on her shirt after being hit twice. I AM FUCKING FURIOUS! I'm waiting on the husband to call me back to see how to proceed. I started to call the cops but I am not their legal guardian and I don't want them to go into foster care. She's so spiteful she'd let them go rather than to just let me take them until she gets herself together. She really needs some help.

She even lied on her daughter to me. Trying to turn me against a CHILD and be on her side. Gonna tell me that the girl told her father I have men sleeping over in his house. That didn't even make sense to me and of course when I checke on it, she lied. She's probably the one that told her husband that the guy(s) that came over here come for me. She tried to get on my good side with that lie and tell me that she told the husband that I never had a guy spend the night that he came over for dinner when we went to Six Flags. Ummm my friend didn't go to SF with us. She told THAT lie b/c she told her husband that a group of us went to SF to explain how she went and a man went with the kids.

I am so fucking angry right now that I could seriously hurt that bitch when she gets back here. I think my niece is OK. I told her that NONE of this is her fault and that if the BOYfriend gets a dishonorable discharge it is b/c he laid up in another dude's house, fucking his wife, around his kids, driving his cars, sleeping in his bed, etc. A dude that outranks him at that. So if he gets into trouble it's his own fault. Her father would never kick her out of this house and she'd always have a home. I told her that her mother has a mental illness that I will make sure she gets help for but not to believe any of that bullshit she told her. Now usually I do not interefere in parent/child relations and I never downtalk a parent to their kid but this girl is fragile and I don't want her fucked up behind the bullshit. I remember every cruel or offhand remark my parents ever made to me and NONE of them were as evil as the shit this woman says to her kids. Not even close. She has a good kid in this girl and she doesn't appreciate it. She's so jealous of this girl it's a crying shame. She nitpicks at her appearance when she is BEAUTIFUL! I'm not saying it b/c she's my niece but the girl is gorgeous. But all her mother can do is criticize her style of dress and talk about her acne non-stop. She's smart where her mother is dumber than doo-doo and she takes every chance she can to downplay the girls academic achievements.

It's a fucking mess around here but I will be damned if I let it get any worse or continue for that matter. I am talking to her husband and I'm going to see to it that she gets some help before she ruins these children. The two youngest are so confused they dunno whether to scratch their watch or wind their butts. The baby is so afraid of her own mother and she clings to her kissing her ass and seeking her approval and attention that it's annoying. But she's JUST like her. She lies quick as lightening. She's a sneaky manipulative little negative wench. Damn shame. She's only 10. The boy gets away with murder b/c he's 'the boy' and he tries to play peacemaker when she gets on the girls b/c he's afraid. I found a letter he wrote to God asking Him to make his family better. He wrote about his mom cursing his sister in the car and putting her out on the side of the highway while her prayed and prayed for God to make them stop. I cried SOOO hard when I read that.

I am at my wit's end. I hate it out here and I'm sick of her, but I cannot leave these children out her like this. I just hope the husband calls me back so I can find out what we can do. He leaves for Iraq Sunday but maybe he can get an extension for family emergency or he can direct me where to go. I'm about to call CPS and let them handle it but with their father in Iraq and the oldest's father an asshole, I don't know what would happen to them. All I can do is pray and try to talk to her and see what happens. Maybe she will come to her senses and want what's best for her children and will change. This is ridiculous.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/my-wits-end-113/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/when-funk-hits-fan-112/ Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:56:23 GMT Oh. My. Damn! Huuusband has found out about BOYfriend and he is none too pleased! Whoa! Whoa! She is the biggest dummy alive! And the biggest liar. She told me that she had told huuuusband that... Oh. My. Damn! Huuusband has found out about BOYfriend and he is none too pleased! Whoa! Whoa! She is the biggest dummy alive! And the biggest liar. She told me that she had told huuuusband that she was seeing somebody and was ready to move on. WHAT A CROCK OF LIES! When he went to her job yesterday and told her DETAILS of her affair and how she had BOYfriend around his kids, homegirl was SHOOK. Scared to come home and the whole nine. The only reason she did is b/c I told her I was not staying in this house with her husband and kids and she'd better bring her ass home. I think she knew he wouldn't try anything with me in the house. She's really messed up BAD. Not that her husband is a catch or is even a good husband--he's always gone, he's non-communicative, he can be a condescending ass, he treats her like a child,etc.--but he at least tries. You cannot have someone change overnight. Especially when you have accepted their crap for YEARS. Then all of a sudden you want them to be different and don't even tell them but expect them to read your mind and just change.

She's cutting herself off at the knees financially. And I dunno what else will happen. She is delusional and lives in a fantasy world. She's at a parenting class right now b/c she realizes all the abuse of her kids is going to come out eventually. She thinks these classes will make her look better on paper if the kids or her huuusband tell how evil she is. Now he wants me to stay here while he's in Iraq so that I can watch over his kids and he's setting up an account for me to see to it that they get spending money and other things that their mother denies them. Well I've been taking up that slack--getting their hair done, spending money and the like. I had no idea she didn't even order their school pictures or their sports pictures. So he paid for all that and was mad that she hadn't ordered them. I told him I do not like it out here but I'd think about it b/c I love these kids. Their mama is "special" though.

I don't know if I can deal with her much longer. Or this God foresaken place. I know without her BOYfriend she's going to be a royal bitch. And she's losing money with the BOYfriend and the huuusband being in Iraq. Huuusband is cutting her ass completely off except for child support. I don't want to be around for all the money gripes and her just being in a bitchy mood w/o money and penis. At the same time, if I leave, she will take it out on the children. She doesn't treat them too bad when I'm around. Had the nerve to say today that the kids can't get in court and say she abuses them b/c she doesn't beat them even though they deserve it. I had to take the phone away from my ear to look at it trying to make sure I was hearing things correctly. That girl is such a good liar that she believes her own lies. She's running scared now and it's nobody's fault but her own.

I told that hussy NOT to bring that BOY around her kids. Not to be seen out and about around town with that BOY. But noooo she had to move his ass in here and have him play huuusband and daddy. I knew that shit would bite her in the ass one day but she's too dumb to realize. She thinks b/c she covered her tracks and told all those lies that she was safe. No ma'am. I hate how a dumb person that is below average IQ and no common sense SWEARS they can get over on everybody else. Tha hell? OK so you're good at hiding the BOYfriend's things that he left at the house. He finds the BOYfriend's sneakers and you lie and say the are your trainer's. Girl how are u fat with a trainer? How are you always crying poormouth and can afford to pay a trainer? Pay a trainer to be fat? C'mon now. This ***** aint that dumb. Even with all the 'evidence' hidden, it was bound to come out. BOYfriend was such a part of our daily lives around here that somebody is bound to slip and say something. How are you going to explain going to all these amusement parks and concerts and stuff? Duh!

I just hope it all works out. The huuusband and I have never been friends but I hate to see his last days with his kids fucked up behind her bullshit. He's going into a warzone for pete's sake. He deserves to have some peace and lovin from his family while he's here. Anybody deserves that much. I just know she better not come hiding in the room with me tonight b/c I don't want to be around her. This is too much on these kids and I'm pissed at her for doing this to them. She wasn't hanging out in my room when the BOYfriend was in town, so don't try and use me now heffa. I told him and her that I'm staying out of it. I'd do anything for those kids but I will not get involved in their squabbles. As long as he doesn't put his hands on her, I'm out of it.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/when-funk-hits-fan-112/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/mo-issues-than-jet-magazine-110/ Mon, 16 Oct 2006 19:56:10 GMT OK I've got issues. I think that's been established, but yeah I've got some issues. How in the retarded hell do I "miss" someone after 4 days that I would go waaaaaaay longer than that w/o seeing? Is it the sex that I miss or what? I've gone alot longer than 4 days w/o his penis before. Maybe it's b/c I know I can't just call him up and ask him to come over. Maybe it's b/c he's in a dangerous situation and I'm worried about him. I believe wholeheartedly that he'll come back alive and in one piece. I just worry about his personality changing. He's such a sweet young man and I don't want him to be jaded by the horrors of war. He's been before and came back OK but I didn't know him before he went the first time to know if he changed or not. Maybe he did and that's where he gets some of his strange ways from. He can be very much into his own world at times. Maybe he learned that over there. I just hope he comes back OK--mentally and physically. I used to always tell him that he's such a nice young man and do not get hooked up with some crazy bitch that will change him for the worse. I want good things for him in the future.

I spent the whole weekend in bed and in PAIN. I sure hope this doctor can do something for me when I go in Wednesday. The pain has subsided some but I feel like pure shit. For real. Then I get up this morning to shower and had every intention in the world of putting on fresh jammies and getting my ass right back in the bed. Come to find out, not just the baby is out of school today but all three of the monsters are home. DIGGITY DAMN! OK no problem. I'm still going back to my room. I did it yesterday and the girls were fine, left me alone and we got along swimmingly. Besides, their father is here and he can deal with them.

Well here comes Ditza screeching about do I remember our appointment this morning. You stupid bitch! She is in such a hurry to file these divorce papers not realizing she doesn't have all the info and she's fucking herself ROYALLY. How are you doing this days before the man goes to Iraq? Just wait until he comes back and yalll work it out then fool. What's the rush?? He's going to be over there, your BOYfriend is over there so it's not like you can progress your side relationship or even participate in it. Chill stupid. So I get dressed and head downtown with her unbelievably dumb ass. She doesn't know how to drive or to work her own navigation system. She parks and we get out and I look up and see the address on the front of the store is #6 ummmmm the place we are looking for is in the 2000 block!! Boy are you DUMB! We still park hella far away and I am glad for the walk to walk off some steam.

We get inside the courthouse and have to sit/stand in line for over 30min. Some redneck cracker is talking to his girlfriend about some pretty inappropriate stuff and then he farts and yells 'WHO THE FUCK FARTED?? That's nasty and if we were back in the jail I'd handle your nasty ass!'. What in the hell does that mean and who does that? So we finally get to the front of the line and sit in front of the clerk, she hands the clerk her papers. The clerk stamps them and says 'thank you'. We sittin there lookin stupid. That was all! This stupid bitch has dragged me out of the house into the cold for NOTHING b/c she is too stupid to handle her own business. We didn't need a fucking appointment to sit in line! Those people didn't even know who the hell we were. I swear it should be a crime to be as stupid as this bitch is.

I need to gather my strength to make this damned lasagna my nephew requested. His sister will freak out over ricotta cheese so I bought a small pan to make her her own individual portion. Lil brat. Ditza yells "YOU should be their mother the way you cater to them. Cuz whatever I cook is what the fuck they are going to eat or they can starve". Oh shut the fuck up.

My left breast has been THROBBING for a couple of days. I get a throbbing pain and then sharp shooting pains. I wonder if I am getting some feeling back in it after the reduction. They said it would gradually come back. Not that I care anyway. I hate for a ***** to be slobbering all over my breasts. And when you have bigguns that's all they want to do. It's all they focus on. I've only had sex with 2 dudes since the surgery and even though I told both of them that I feel NOTHING they still spent an extraordinary amount of time slurping away. Fuck it, let them have at it if it makes them feel better. Big babies.

Gawd I am bored outta my mind. Maybe I will go see "The Departed". It's cold and I really don't feel like getting dressed for a movie. I'd probably fall asleep and be super restless. I tend to text message or log onto AIM in the movies b/c I cannot sit still. If I had light, I'd probably read a frigging book. I'm retarded. I really do have issues. I wish I was really triflin and would adopt the way of dress out here, that way I could keep on these plaid flannel pajama pants and put on the purple fleece top that goes with it and just GO. I'd be comfortable as hell but my southern upbringing won't allow it. Oh well. I'll see what's on TV and decide later. Boredom is torture.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/mo-issues-than-jet-magazine-110/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-aint-no-loser-ima-tough-puerto-rican-108/ Sun, 15 Oct 2006 15:07:41 GMT I promise you I want to have a hysterectomy!!! This pain and agony is too much. I laid in bed popping Vicodin all day yesterday and STILL had the worst cramps ever. Still do! It wakes me up in... I promise you I want to have a hysterectomy!!! This pain and agony is too much. I laid in bed popping Vicodin all day yesterday and STILL had the worst cramps ever. Still do! It wakes me up in the morning hobbling to the bathroom in pain. How in the maxi-pad hell does VICODIN not work? I am one abnormal chick. I swear the universe is after me cuz everything about me and my life is soooo EXTRA. And not in a necessarily good way. Just EXTRA. The ringers were off all yesterday but the person I am avoiding didn't call. My friend called, but of course it didn't ring. I hope that girl finds peace, or a man, soon b/c she is going to drive her little self infuckingsane. I have no more words or advice for her b/c I dunno what kinda creature I'm dealing with anymore.

An old friend sent me an IM yesterday and we talked last night. Hadn't talked to him in years and now he lives in my hometown. I hate to say it, but I felt like a dude---just entertaining his boring conversation so as not to eliminate the possibility of sex. Then I thought, ummmm he's 1400 miles away. Aint shit dude can do for me so why am I entertaining this bullshit? I wanted to hang up and I was glad when his cell lost signal, but he just called right back. I talked to him until he got sleepy. I wasn't sleepy despite all the Vics. What is wrong with me? I'm just in 'sex mode'. Like I want it NOW. It's all that's on my mind. Well not all but mostly. And it seems like the only 'get right' solution for all that ails me right now. My girl said I am 'sex hungry' b/c I told her dude can't do shit for me so far away so why was I putting up with his boring stories. I'm not sex hungry. I'm sex starved.

I hope today is peaceful and that things stay peaceful. At least let me have some PEACE. Even if I am curled in the fetal position all day, I don't want to deal with bullshit. It's cold and my tummy is in turmoil. The kids have just left on the church bus and I'm hopin and wishin and prayin that my sister is going to work. She stayed true to the bad script of our lives and cursed the children out FIERCELY before they left for church. This bitch is on some extra. She decided to 'get mean' with the youngest yesterday even though the child was sick and just talked to her like a gutter dog all day long. I mean the child can be an annoying brat alot of the time but when you are an adult you should at least attempt to show some sense. I wouldn't talk to George Bush the way she talked to that child.

I want to go to the movies today. See "The Departed". I saw Anthony Anderson showing clips of it on Carson Daly's show and I hear good things about it. *sidebar--AA has lost some weight and he looks like pure D shit! Oh my damn!! His face is all sunken in and his body is oddly shaped. Then he had the audacity to have a fauxhawk that just elongated his head even more. So not sexy. Not that he was sexy before but dude needs to just take one for the team and gain some of that weight back. Uggg*. My niece asked me to do 'one way' with her friend's parents taking them to the movies last night but it was cold and I was in pain and high on Vic. I told her I might be able to take them to day but it's lookin slim to noneish up in this piece. My nephew has asked for lasagna but I dunno what time he's getting back from VA today. I'd need to go to the store for that and I'm not sure I'm in the mood. I'm not in the mood for anything except shit I can't have.

I'll just lay here and hope the Vic kicks in soon. Hopefully there will be something decent on TV unlike yesterday. Wanda Sykes' HBO special was a special brew of unfunny bullshit. I usually like her but it took me well over 4 hours to watch that mess. I had to keep pausing it to take a break from that mess. I stuck it out til the end though---I'm a rider. Almost applauded when I heard the audience applaud and I assume they were applauding b/c they could finally get the fuck outta there and go home. Yeah I could have deleted it and watch something else. But I'm working on my sticktoittiveness. I don't wanna be a quitter so I stuck it out. Ha! I should get something for that. LOL. I aint no loser I'ma tough puerto rican! Blah my warm socks and TV beckon...
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/i-aint-no-loser-ima-tough-puerto-rican-108/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/rambling-rose-105/ Sat, 14 Oct 2006 15:44:15 GMT CRAAAAAMMMPPPPSSSSS! ! Awww this is an awful feeling. I hope this doctor is able to give me something alot stronger than Midol. I hate the fact that my periods are coming more regularly now. It's torture. I don't know anybody else that has cramps and pain this bad. I can hardly walk. I want to take a hot shower, put on my flannel popsicle pajamas and put my favorite orange sheets on the bed and just lay my ass down for the rest of the day. Just thinking about doing all that exhausts me. Maybe after the midol kicks in I'll be able to get up and do it. I've turned the ringers off one of my phones. I don't want to hear from anybody. I need to turn off the other one too. I know it's only a matter of time before the lunatic crackwhore starts her shenanigans again. I don't feel like dealing with that today---any day really. But today I'm going to be unreachable.

I really need to vacuum and clean this ceiling fan. Put the rest of this crap away. Doubt it will happen today but it's annoying the hell out of me. I guess if I put my eye mask on and hunker down under the covers I won't see it. I need to cheer myself up. I don't know what would make me smile right now but I need to figure it out b/c I'm tired of this. Maybe something is good on Pay-per-view. Or I will listen to music all day and 'get happy'. I might put on my new earrings I bought yesterday. Now I wish I had bought that damned set of luggage. It would cheer me up to look at it even though I'm not going anywhere anytime soon lol. And like I need another set of luggage. I own 5 and just bought the last 2 sets this year. It was really cute and rugged. Fucking baggage handlers would find a way to fuck it up anyway. Both of my newest sets of luggage have been ruined by airlines. They were sooooo cute. I said no more 'cute' or 'dainty' luggage for me. I hate black bags---that's so ordinary. I decided I'd get a couple of those rolling duffles. Some of them are cute and they come in cute colors. This one was kelly green with blue accents. Had plenty of room. It was made by somebody wack that I swear I would never wear any of their clothes, but fuck it. They only had one duffle left and one upright. I bet it will be gone if I go back. I think I've seen something similar online so maybe I could order it. It was on sale too. I'm an idiot for not getting it.

I just hate spending money these days. Shit is so uncertain. I'm trying to be 'responsible' and save knowing how expensive moving is. I know my sister's kids need things and I also know she's not going to get them. Then I have this uncertain situation over my head and I'm going to have to pay to straighten it out. And then my stupid ass job wants to fuck with me. How are you going to offer me a situation and then renege? How are you fucking up somebody's money and livlihood? And then be so non-chalant about it. So I should just sit home and wait for yall to get it together while I don't get paid? I SPECIFICALLY questioned this offer that was made to me. Asked PLENTY questions about it b/c it made NO sense to me and now they are balking b/c it makes no sense after assuring me that it made all the sense in the world. I should have known. Fucking with cracka ass crackas usually ends badly. I just want my S3 and service for $10 a month or I'd blow them off and move on. Plus, I like some of the people there and have an excellent chance for advancement and for transfer to somewhere good.

Woooo-saaaaa. I just need to calm down. Get warm and curl up until these cramps subside. 3 midol and NOTHING. I need something stronger. About to pop a Vicodin since I don't have muscle relaxers. Back all fucked up too. Maybe I will finally read these 2 magazines I've had for months. I used to read alot. All kinds of magazines. Now I just get Essence and hold it forever w/o reading the whole thing. That's not like me. I used to read good books too. I've had this Mary Monroe book for several weeks and wouldn't even be as far as I am now if I didn't spend so much time in the bathroom. I used to read a book in one or two days and move on to the next. My concentration aint shit. Nothing holds my interest. I cannot relax. If I'm at the movies or a concert even, I'm text messaging or on AIM. I cannot stand down time. I was falling over sleepy last night but didn't want to lay down and be still enough to fall asleep. My mind races and all kinds of horrible thoughts go thru my head. So I watch tv--or let it watch me and just listen or I go online or whatever. Anything to prevent myself from being alone with my disturbing thoughts.

The youngest is sick and her mother is in the kitchen cursing her out and talking about her and her father like 2 dogs on the phone. That bitch has no shame. YES the girl is a smartass and half the time I want to curse her out too but she's sick. And she hasn't done anything 'wrong'. She's just picking at her. Taking out her frustrations with her father on her. Give the kid a break. She's sick and her father is on his way to Iraq. Her parents are also going thru a divorce and her mother is a lunatic. I feel sorry for the little brat. She's lost in the shuffle. Her daddy went to VA to see his parents and took her brother but didn't even ask if she wanted to go. Gotta hurt. He flew into town for one day last week so he could see his son's last foolball game but he's never seen her cheer. Today was probably his last chance but he went to VA. So he won't see her cheer. Never even saw her at practice or in her uniform. So I can see how that could hurt her feelings. I try to show her compassion and do special things for her, but she's such a brat sometimes that it's hard. But I see how she can be that way. I dunno. I'm just glad I don't have any children. I'd be a nervous wreck 24/7 worrying about them and worrying that I'm ruining their lives. Plus, I don't want to love anybody that much. It would be too painful. I equate love with pain. You have no control over other people--what they do or what happens to them so things don't always go the way you'd like. That leads to heartbreak. I don't want to be heartbroken by my own children and I especially don't want to break their hearts so it's best I just leave that alone.

I think I'm done rambling. I think I've gotten enough off my chest so that I can lay down and be still for awhile w/o my leg shaking and all that. So I'll plug my ears to drown this stupid bitch out and lay my ass down until my cramps are bearable.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/rambling-rose-105/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/friday-13th-fuck-jason-104/ Sat, 14 Oct 2006 05:59:56 GMT Today was D-day. Nothing happened though. I'm not gonna sleep on this fool though cuz I know some shit is comin. Nothin I can do but brace myself. Bracing is tension though and my body is soooo tired from all the tension. I walked around all day yesterday unable to breathe properly and with a knot in my chest and throat. I took 2 sedatives last night before bed just so I could relax enough to breathe. I wasn't that tense today but I got more 'bad news' that really kinda upset me and is going to set me back: financially and emotionally. I cannot take anymore of this bullshit. I promise I cannot!!

My nephew and his daddy left today. I'm kinda glad b/c that's 2 less people around. I don't want to be around anybody. I had to spend the whole afternoon with the baby. I tried to make a pleasant evening for her and I think I did a good job of hiding how sad and upset I was. She behaved herself and we had a decent time. Nothing exciting, just running around and some dinner. Little shopping. She's not feeling well so maybe that's why she didn't act up and her big ass mouth was on slow-mo.

I saw a new comforter I wanted but they only had queen and king. My grown ass is sleeping in a fucking full-sized bed when I have a brand new king and a slightly used queen at 'home'. When I go home, I should make arrangements to bring one of them out here. Either of them would overpower this tiny room I'm in but damn I'd sleep better. Maybe I will just give the other ones to someone at home and buy a new one out here. I dunno. I have no clue what to do about any aspect of my life right now. I feel like I'm too stupid to make decisions. Even deciding on breakfast or what to wear seems to be overwhelming. I feel like every decision I make is wrong. I should apply The George Costanza Principle of opposite and just do the complete opposite of what I would normally do or whatever comes to my mind. I love George.

I miss The Frugg. I wonder if I really miss him or if I'm just sad he's in Iraq or do I miss the penis or am I just super lonely and realizing I don't have anybody to cuddle with or kiss anymore. It's not like he would solve my lonliness problem b/c I am always lonely. Even around people I feel like I'm by myself. Human contact is good sometimes though and I enjoyed his company. I pray for his safety. I wonder if I will ever see him again. Funny-looking lil thing. I wonder if I will ever get to 'experience' him again. Was nice.

I wonder what things will be like when he gets back in a year. I'd like to see him just to see with my own eyes that he's alive and well. I'd probably even like a lil 'taste'. But dammit, if my ass is single and free in a year's time I will be PISSEDer than PISSED. For real. And if I haven't had sex between now and then I might as well just give up now. I'm in a 'mode' and I want sex all the time. I've been celibate before but that was before I got so 'free' and got comfortable enough to really enjoy sex. I have some strange things on my mind that I'd like to try. Sometimes I feel thankful for living out here in the frozen tundra and for the weight gain that has made me feel so self-conscious. If not for those 2 things, I might be BUCK WILD. I am dead ass serious. I think that if I had my old swagger along with my new sexual "whatever this is", I'd be doing some freaky kinky crazy shit. I'm kinda mad that I'm not but it might be good that I'm not. We shall see.

I'm communicating with a new guy in this area. Older. I've gone from 21 year old baby to 45 year old. He's soo cute though. Nice body and a purty chocolate color. I'm knowin his old ass aint a freak like I need and want right now. Now that I know I can be open and talk to a man and teach him a few things, I don't think it would work on someone that old and set in his ways. Might be worth a shot. I dunno. I'm just confused, crazy and the h-word.

My friend is sending me text messages which I usually love to recieve but the lunatic has got me so paranoid, I think every "beep-beep" is her with some more of her mess. I do not want to live on edge like this. Not at all. But there is nothing I can do but wait. I can be pro-active and spend a ton of money trying to prevent this. Which is what I think I'm going to do. Better to be safe than sorry. I've wasted money on worse things than my peace of mind and freedom.


I think I will gobble some sleeping pills and try this 'life' thing again tomorrow sometimes.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/friday-13th-fuck-jason-104/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/gonna-put-want-ads-100/ Fri, 13 Oct 2006 04:26:25 GMT *deep. cleansing. breath* I've been trying to achieve these all day long. Maybe the 2 sedatives I've taken will help. I've been on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack pretty much all day. From the ass crack of dawn, this has not been a good day for me. I went on post at 4am to say goodbye to someone that has become my friend. I love him at times and cannot stand his ass at others---so I guess that makes him family. I realize I am really going to miss his doofy ole smelly butt. Underneath the funk, he's a good guy. He is not the one for my sister, rather she is not the one for him, but he's a good guy. Especially considering where he comes from and all he has been thru. It hurt my heart to see him in his uniform with all his gear packed trying to be brave in front of us, all of us knowing he wanted to cry. I hated that we had to sneak around in the night like we were not proud of our friend b/c 'the husband' is home. This is why lying, sneaking, and deception are not good. We should have been able to have a huge dinner for him and send him off nicely, not sneak out of the house at 4am with some chicken wings and white bread in a zip-loc bag!! That didn't honor him, but he was sure enough happy to have my chicken wings one more time and I was glad.

I saw my friend off but I didn't see my former 'luvah' at all. There were so many soldiers out there and so much going on. I just stayed in the car. I didn't go looking for him b/c I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to see him. Ours was a weird situation and I was torn between feeling maternal and protective of him and wanting to have a quickie before he goes off to war. Again. I wish I had gotten to know him better. All the times he called me 'mystery lady' and wanted to talk. I wish I had really talked to him instead of joking all the time and fucking. Oh I don't regret the sex. Not at all b/c the boy was BAD!!! IS bad. I cannot talk about him in the past tense given the situation. I may never see him again but he still exists for somebody. I miss him already. I'm sad that he had to leave and even sadder about where he had to go. I wish I had done something for him. Done more for him. He said to me 'thanks for everything. take care and i'll see you soon'. I thought that was odd. What are you thanking me for? Fucking you? Allowing you to do things to my body that you've never done to another woman before? Allowing you to do things to my body that I've never allowed another man to do? Thanks for being patient with you? For never saying 'no' or denying you anything you asked of me? For showing you things and stroking your ego and praising you? Well I'll say you're more than welcome. I guess you might be thanking me for being nice to you even though I only let you get so close. Maybe thanking me for the meals I've made for you and the care packages sent to the desert for you. Well you're more than welcome. As for the "I'll see you soon" part, baby I don't think so. 12 months is a loooong time and I hope I'm not here when you get back if you even come back to this town. I know you will come back 'home' and you will come back in one piece. I know you will come back as strong, sensitive, kind, supportive, humorous, and full of fun as you have been. I just might stick around just to make sure of that.

I had a phone conversation today that did not go my way at all. Took another 7k out of my pocket. Let's add that to the 30k that was taken just last month and all the other thousands of dollars that I'm damn well owed and won't be able to collect on in this life or the next. Fuck it. This has set me back. I will have to use funds allocated for something else to handle a nuisance situation. I am doing my best not to wish harm on someone else to save my own ass but dammit I want to save my own ass. I could wish harm on her and bring harm to her. But that's not me. That's her type of deal and she's planning on doing the shit to me. I need to be a hardcore bitch and strike first.

Since that phone call, I realized that my 'time is up' tomorrow and I've suffered another setback. I usually love Friday the 13th and 13 is my favorite number. I hope luck is a motherfucking lady tomorrow and all goes well--or is at least peaceful. Immediately after the phone call, I could not breathe and my chest tightened up. Had this been the first time, I would have thought heart attack. I just tried to control my breath. Dressed myself and went to my doctor's appointment. This chick is supposed to be checking me for one thing and all of a sudden starts a lecture about my levels of stress b/c she can see in my face how tense I am and sees how my heart is racing and my breathing is unsteady. Said I am always coming in there stressed and frazzled. Basically called me crazy and confirmed it with a short pencil and paper test and wrote up a script. I think I need more than drugs though. I might need to go bye bye birdie and sit in the looney bin for a minute until I get right. Just sit in a corner and play boing-boing with my bottom lip until someone notices "that bitch aint right" and gets me some real help.

I am not strong enough to handle what's going on in my life. I have a lunatic trying to take me down. I have big business fucking me over at every turn. I cannot get ahead. I was happy--well content--for a little while. I accepted being out here in No Man's Land. I was getting along better with my sister and her BOYfriend. I have a job that will take a while to drive me crazy, found a black hairstylist out here, made a couple of friends and had some goooooood sex. Now it's all turned to shit b/c I don't know what I'm facing. They BOYfriend is gone away and I feel like I've lost a friend. My sister will return to bitch status in no time flat. So I have that to deal with and the fact that the children will suffer b/c she will be w/o the BOYfriend and the husband. So that means I'm definitely here for a minute to make sure she doesn't go slam off on them and do some real damage. Which I could accept if I had some friends and some penis. Yes dammit I need to fuck on the regular! Just how I will go about finding this new regular fabulous penis is beyond my realm of reasoning right now. But said penis must be found!!
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/gonna-put-want-ads-100/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/think-ill-eat-some-worms-97/ Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:23:59 GMT I keep singing that camp song "nobody likes me, everybody hates me. think I'll eat some worms". I don't remember all the rest of the song, but that's how I feel right now. Like I don't have a friend in the world. But maybe that's my fault. The shit I need to get off my chest I wouldn't tell anybody in a million fucking years so how can anybody be there for me if they don't know I need them?

One thing I know I am tired of is being taken advantage of. I would do anything for anybody that I care about. No questions asked. The shit always backfires. ALWAYS. I helped out a friend that got on drugs and now the bitch is trying to ruin my life. She's been in and out of jail for over a year and I handled things for her the best I could considering I had been going through my own shit and could barely handle my own life. Now she's out but she's caught up in some shit and trying to pin it on me. I have what I need to prove my innocence in the matter, but I cannot say I'm not fucking shook. I'm scared as hell yo. For real. Only b/c she is a PSYCHOPATH. I mean the girl is literally certified crazy and she is capable of anything. She's already called my parents and has been calling my sister's house where I live about 1300 miles away now. Lord knows what she's been telling anybody who will listen back at home.

I did my best for this girl and granted I didn't handle things perfectly but I got tired of her jailhouse demands and dealing with her brother/tenant chasing him down for rent and then dealing with calls from her sister asking for money. I did what I could for her and her crackbaby. I shouldn't call the child that but she did that foul assed disgusting shit to her own baby and I was understanding knowing how disgusted I really was with her. I treated her like a human being when she acted like an animal. I have fed her when she had no food, dressed her in MY clothing when she had no clothes and didn't have the right mind to put on clothes. I have driven her around taking her to places to get help when she would only manipulate her way out. I have let her stay with me and taken care of her with my own money while she had 80k sitting in the bank. Not once did she offer me a dime for all the collect calls I accepted or anything else I did for her or her family. And not once did I ask. But now that she wants to act like she was never a crackwhore walking the streets and sucking dick for a hit, she wants to say that I have 'problems' and try to pull me into some shit that could fuck my life up for real.

This chick has committed every type of insurance, welfare, social security, and whatever else kind of fraud imagineable. Never had to pay the price for any of it. Yes she's been to jail but those little stints probably saved her life. I kept her secret from everybody we knew. She was the pretty girl that everyone loved and thought was the life of the party and so smart and talented. For over a year I lied about her whereabouts and what she was doing. I would never betray her confidence like that. And now she has turned on me and is telling my family all kinds of awful things about me. God knows what she is telling other people. Not that I care, but I do care that she's causing problems in my family. She started calling bright and early the other morning to tell me that herpes can't be cured and all this other stupid shit. I'm like what the fuck are you talking about?? She was a CRACK WHORE and is trying to say that I have herpes?? OK fool. We have never even talked about herpes!!! And I do not have any type of STD and never told her I have or given her any reason to believe I have. Then she starts telling he how stupid I am b/c I should be 'farther along' since I am fucking a millionaire beisbol player and that I need to step my game up. Having a 2 year friendship and one sexual encounter with some does not equal "fucking a millionaire". I had sex w/him b/c I liked him, not to get his money. That's what whores do. She even called herself stupid b/c she'd be in the crackhouse fucking other crackheads for a hit while other girls were fucking or sucking the dealers for their own stash of shit. So now she's gonna call ME stupid??? OK. And had the nerve to tell me "I don't even know how you got a millionaire". OK bitch I don't 'have' him b/c I don't want him and maybe I 'got' him b/c I'm not a nasty cracked out whore? Hmmm ya think?

Man I am sooo sick of people. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I am even sick of my sister's children and I'm mighty afraid they are in for a rude awakening. They are unappreciative manipulative little spoiled brats and I'm about to pull the fucking rug from underneath their asses. I am tired of being taken for granted and used. If I hear "I love you Auntie Shoewhore" or if one of them comes in here to hug and kiss me only to ask me for something one more fucking time they are not going to like my response. I buy these kids food and make them proper dinners only to be shit on and treated bad. I could be letting them eat meals in bags like they did before I got here. They are the most complainig lil bastards I have ever known. The youngest one is so negative. Everything out of her mouth is "this is nasty" "this is ugly" "I don't like this". She's so fucking negative I cannot stand to be around her and neither can anybody else, but she gets it from her mother. Well I will show her what nasty is. They have ALL kinds of food and snacks in there. I spend hundreds every week buying shit that I don't even like but they like it and then they want something else and let shit go to waste. Well no more. Tomorrow while they are at school, I am packing up all the snack foods and putting them in a box in my room. I am not cooking a damned thing until they can learn to appreciate the effort. They can find whatever it is they can find to eat. I dunno what they will eat b/c they will not be allowed to eat anything I purchased and I've bought all the food in this house. They can find old peanut butter and eat the cans of Goya shit in the cabinets that was here when I got here. Fuck the bullshit.

My sister's ass is going to learn too. I quit my job to start training all over losing 2 weeks of pay so that I can be around to pick HER kids up from school and have dinner ready for them. I won't be getting home until 2am for the next 8 weeks and this bitch goes and changes her work schedule so she doesn't have to be home with them. So that means they will be here alone, they will not do what they are supposed to do at night and I will have to hear her screaming in the middle of the night or early in the morning. It also means she won't be around to drop off or pick up from their practices or jobs in the evening. So again they suffer and I am suffering/sacrificing and she's doing what the fuck she wants to do. Well she can go fuck herself too b/c I am sick of her bullshit as well.

Then this ****** is going to Iraq and acting a stank ass fool with ME. ***** YOU the one fitna be in the motherfucking desert for a year by your gotdamn self. It seems to me you'd need/want as many friends as you can possibly have. I'm not going to fucking beg somebody to fucking be nice to them. FUCK YOU. You eat that slop Uncle Sam feeds you and get shit the best way you know how u fucking retard cuz I won't be sending your stupid ass SHIT. Even the DUMBEST ***** I know is seeing now how I've been looking out for him and told him I'd continue to do so even though he has been so stupid and inconsiderate for months. I let bygones be bygones and left the "I told you so" alone b/c now is not the time for all that. I'm the bigger person and will let the shit ride and still continue to be in his corner knowing he has nobody else. And the one bitch he thought he could count in he is learning he canNOT. Yeah she'll send you care packages, but she's going to use your fucking money. Ha!

So yeah I don't feel like anybody likes me right now. Snoop say "u don't love me. u just love my doggystyle". Mofos just love my doggystyle. Whatever I can do for them is what they love. I hope I don't break too many faces when I pull the rug out from under all these bitches.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/think-ill-eat-some-worms-97/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/introducing-92/ Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:23:35 GMT Ahhhh! In bed all day! Nothing like it!!! I am 'sick'. Doctor gave me some sort of breathing treatment yesterday so I can breathe today and I feel alot better but still not 'right'. Sooo no Tribe Called Quest for me tonight. It would take too much effort to make myself presentable and then drive an hour to the concert. Though I could probably go like this. I obsessed over what to wear to a concert the other night--was ecstatic when my new boots came just in the nick of time--and the bitch next to me was wearing BUGS BUNNY PAJAMAS! I was like what in the tacky hell are you wearing you stupid bitch? But I have noticed that people don't 'dress up' out here. I have to get used to that. I won't get as bad as them but I have to not flinch or openly stare when I see pajamas and cartoon slippers being worn to a restaurant or whatever.

I actually made a friend at work. Dizzy lil white chick but she is my first friend out here in No Man's Land. We went to a day spa last week for manis and pedis. She'd never had either before and it was cute how excited she was. I had a GOOD time. It was my first decent pedi since I've been here. My first time out with someone that is NOT in my family. We went to Zio's for dinner. Food was good and I enjoyed her company. We plan to go out again to a club and then up to the city to a black day spa for manis, pedis, and massages. It felt good to get out and do things I took for granted at home. In the past, that was a typical Thursday or whatever for me. But to get my hair done (even though I didn't like it), get a mani/pedi, and go eat with someone who can carry on good convo was a treat for me!

I ran into some problems at work as far as scheduling doctor appointments and shit so I had to resign and get re-hired into another training class. I'm pissed I have to start all over but it was for the best. Had I taken even an hour off or been ONE minute late, I would have lost my #1 ranking in class. I like to be first just on GP but it also meant my pick of schedules, a bonus and all that. Had I not resigned, I would not get my quarterly bonus and I'd be stuck with leftover schedules. This works out better b/c I can pick the kids up from school and have their dinner ready for them. And I can go to my appointments during the day. So I'm off til the 16th when my new later class starts. I've already re-scheduled all the appointments I had to cancel and even went to the dermatologist! I am glad I found someone reputable and that I like. My skin is looking crazy and I need to get back on track. Get lasered and peeled up and go back to clear smooth skin again. I spent a grip last year (at home) but it was well worth every single penny. I will gladly spend it again to achieve those same results.

I need to use this time for self improvement. I was sick this week but next week I can get this room organized and some recipes lined up for the children. Ungrateful as their little asses are. They make sick! I spend all this money on food and they eat the same shit over and over or complain there is nothing to eat. I buy what they like and what they ask for to make sure they will eat it and they trick me every time. Lil critters. I am sick of cooking and they want cereal or fucking Wheat Thins for dinner. Their lil asses will learn soon enough. I am not to be fucked with.

I missed my WW meeting this week but I will be in there next week. I might go Saturday morning if I feel better and don't go to Six Flags. I've lost like 5lbs and I have more to go. I can see that my legs are more toned and my belly is a little less than it was. I'm on a damned MISSION. I have a closet full of cute clothes and I don't wear the shit b/c it doesn't look/fit right. All these shoes and bags I have to jazz up outfits are just wasted. So I need to get on the ball. Head to toe makeover. The hair has to be improved. Definitely the skin. And this belly has to go. Sister bought a Total Home Gym. I need to do aerobic activity though. I want an elliptical machine but we don't have any room for it. There are a few at work so I will just stay back an hour or so and get on it. I have Core Secrets and that can help me tone. But cardio is my main focus. I found a pilates studio with classes that will fit into my schedule and I loved pilates when I took it before. I'm giving up my gym membership for awhile. I can sign up later on a work discount. But right now it's a waste. I can use the same machines for free at work, do resistance at home or at work, walk and do pilates. That along with counting the WW point should do the trick. I gotta get it together. I look crazy.

My friend and I are planning a trip. My annual trip is scheduled for March 31st but I dunno where I want to go. I just know I will be away enjoying myself on that date--the anniversary of my auntie's death. I plan to always be somewhere fun on that date--celebrating her life. I think I want to go to Puerto Rico. Not sure though. Maybe Brasil?? Who knows. I will have to go somewhere though. I think I will take a few weekend trips to NY and Miami soon too. And I MUST get to Atlanta. Maybe Chicago in spring. I haven't traveled in soooo long. I miss it. I have to get back to 'me'.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/introducing-92/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy-head-82/ Sun, 24 Sep 2006 21:23:05 GMT I feel like SHIT! I do not think I can survive a winter here. I noticed snow on the mountains going to work the other morning. Then when I came out of work Friday it was snowing. HOW THE HELL DOES... I feel like SHIT! I do not think I can survive a winter here. I noticed snow on the mountains going to work the other morning. Then when I came out of work Friday it was snowing. HOW THE HELL DOES IT SNOW IN SEPTEMBER? It wasn't even FALL yet and it's snowing? This is bullshit for sure.

I was at work nauseous and vomiting all day Thursday and sluggish as hell Friday. Fucking trainer didn't give a shit. Just told me I could go to the bathroom if I needed too. Well thanky kindly massuh suh. I'se be sho to run to the bathroom like I need your fucking permission you snotnosed gay ass frat fucker. I am so glad he's gone. He doesn't know what the hell to say out of his mouth. This guy comes in who is obviously mixed. Has the tackiest dreds (and I never say dreds. I call them locs unless I find them dreadful) that are all unkept and fuzzy and just a mess. FratBoy gonna call him "Sideshow Bob" from The Simpsons. Right in front of the whole class. I thought that spoke VOLUMES about his character. I'm the only 'black' person in the class and I bristled, waiting for "Bob" to say something or at least demonstrate being offended and this coon ass ****** just chuckled and stood there like it didn't bother him. For a white person to make a comment like that is upsetting. Then I thought maybe I was overly sensitive b/c dude DOES look like Sideshow Bob and not just b/c of the hair but his facial features. I just don't like FratBoy anymore so I'm glad he's gone. I just hope our new trainer isn't worse. He's frattish too. And metrosexual as hell.

My chest hurts and I ache all over. I'm pumping drugs into my system b/c I can't miss time at work. I made the mistatke of going out yesterday. I was getting restless so I took the kids out shopping. Got my nephew some shirts that he badly needs. I did get myself this twin set that I wanted. It's really cute and I realize I have no shoes to go with it. Aha! Yes I do! I forgot about these 2 pairs of heels I bought last year and never wore. Problem solved. I really need to get some suitable fall/winter clothes and shoes. All of my shoes are open toe or open back. I LOVE sandals. I really should look into transferring to Ft. Lauderdale. That would ROCK. I'd miss these kids though. I wish I could be a snowbird. Live out here with the kids (or up in RI) in summer and in FL in the winters. That would kick ass.

I'm going to take the kids to the city next weekend probably. I need to get snow boots, a coat, some more scarf/glove/hat sets, winter shoes and sweaters. I think the baby needs some shoes and the boy probably needs more long sleeved shirts. I know the oldest needs winter clothes and shoes too. Not sure if she has a coat that fits. Ma gave her a fucking mink!!! I'm so pissed off at that mink jacket!! It's bad too!! Reversible where she can wear it on the leather side or the mink side. Mink on a 15 year old. Ha!!! I have to find her some really nice brown leather boots to wear with it. I told her not to save it for special occasions to rock that shit with some jeans and boots to school like "What?!!". Hell my old ass doesn't even have a mink and she does! I've never been cold natured though. Maybe something is happening to me now that I'm old. I stay cold.. I'm in bed right now with flannel pajamas, a long sleeved shirt underneath, and a thick fuzzy bed jacket on. Laying on a heating pad and I'm still cold. This is the bullshit.

I've decided to retire my 'angry lesbian' look that I've been sporting recently. I'm kinda angry but I'm no lesbian. But that's the best way to describe these horrible outfits I've been leaving the house in. This place is changing me away from myself. It's like I've just given up on looking nice or having any kind of fun let alone a life. I went to work wearing some shit I'd not normally even go got the grocery store in. That is no way to get promoted. So tomorrow as much as it will pain me, I'm 'dressing up'. I haven't worn heels to work once. Just something about putting cold feet into heels that bothers me. But I've got to do something about the way I've been dressing. I think I dress down b/c all my cute shoes are heels and I don't want to wear them. But bump that! I need to get my swagger back. Look nice. Even if everyone around me looks like lumberjacks---women included & especially. Even if they dunno from cute, I do and I need to act like it. I want to rollerset my hair but I wonder if I have the energy. Miss Bitch has 'asked' me to clean the shower doors so I guess I'd better do that. She kills me. Nasty bitch. Got mad b/c I told her her BOYfriend smells. Dirty fucker.

I'm going to take more drugs and watch TV until I fall asleep. Maybe I will gather the energy to rollerset my hair and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just wait until later in the week and try this new black shop I found. Well it's not 'new' but I'd never seen or heard of it before. The only black shop I've ever seen here was HORRID. Looked abandoned. I didn't like how the girl braided my niece's hair either. So I will try this new spot and see if they can do a simple rollerset. I feel like wearing curls.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy-head-82/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/blah-78/ Thu, 21 Sep 2006 03:35:38 GMT If it's not one thing, it's 50. My code STILL doesn't work so I STILL can't order my damned cell phone at work. Everyone else besides me and one other girl has ordered their phones. My fucking tivo is going apeshit and didn't recored ANTM. I can't even get my other shows set up. This is some petty shit but it's pissing me off b/c NOTHING SEEMS TO GO RIGHT.

I found out today my Granny is in the hospital. Been there a week and nobody told me. My sister said she sent me a text message but of course my raggedy fuckin phone wasn't working right. She's not looking too good either. They've moved her to a rehabilitation place. My sister says it's awful there. I can't even be there for her and it's tearing me up. When she was in the hospital last year, I went everyday. I'd belly dance for her (I was taking lessons) and I'd do her nails and stuff. I love that old woman with all my heart and I can't even hold her hand. My sister says she's so doped up that she's talking out of her head so even if I call her she's probably not going to make much sense or know who I am. And my stupid ass is all the way out here in East Bumfuck. I always make the wrong decisions.

My stupid aunt and her kids that mooch off of Granny have drained her dry. Her mortgage is going up and those idiots can't afford to pay it. So the family house is going to have to be sold. I cannot imagine not having 908 to go to. Even though they've torn the damned house up and I hate going over there, it's always been homebase for the family. There wouldn't even be a mortgage if not for some other bullshit. And it wouldn't have gone up if not for my cousin causing the insurance to soar. I feel so bad that there's nothing I can do to help. I'm not in a financial position to buy the house---more bad decisions. I just don't know what to do! Everything is changing and it's not for the better. I don't think I can handle much more.

I know I have done some fucked up shit in my life but I'm not Hitler dammit! Karma is really doing a number on me. Getting screwed has become a way of life for me. I get HIT thru no fault of my own and the insurance company is screwing me out of my money that's OWED to me. And aint shit I can do about it. Every time I turn around it's SOMETHING. And nothing good either. I'm really trying not to wallow. And I don't carry this 'woe is me' attituded around all the time. I just have nobody to talk to right now and I need to get it off my chest. I'm confused as fuck and I have no idea what to do. I find a place I want to move to. Hear nothing but good things about the area and now I have a job that I can't transfer there. Where I could transfer is far from my family, hot and expensive as hell. I just can't win. I'm going to eat and watch tv and pray that Saturday morning gets here quickly so I can sleep all fucking day. I will take sleeping pills if I have to and hang a 'do not disturb' note on the door. My sister is off and she can take care of her own fucking kids for once.

I just want to go to sleep for a looooooong time. But I still have to make lunch and get ready for tomorrow. Blah.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/blah-78/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/rip-pappy-74/ Wed, 20 Sep 2006 04:55:35 GMT I swear someone has put a curse on me! For all the doofy stupid shit that happens to me, there has to be a curse. Or Karma likes fuckin with me. Something is definitely up. I am overly sensitive, I... I swear someone has put a curse on me! For all the doofy stupid shit that happens to me, there has to be a curse. Or Karma likes fuckin with me. Something is definitely up. I am overly sensitive, I know this, but I'm not paranoid. Too much shit keeps happening to me!

We get special perks at work. I have been waiting on these damned cell phones for a week and a half. We had to wait for one guy to get his log-in codes so we all could get our phones. I want that damned Sidekick some kinda bad! I've had the blackberry and I have a Treo now. But I am bored with those. Well dude finally gets his code and when we go to order phones. MY FUCKING CODE DOESN'T WORK!! So everybody is ordering their shit and I'm sitting there looking hella stupid.

We had our first practical test today and I KICKED ASS! I was all nervous and for no reason. I can do this shit in my sleep. But I just wanted it to be over with. I'm so over qualified for this bullshit that it's not even funny. I look at the people around me and just wonder why the fuck I'm there. Why in the hell do I have to take a class with an 18 year old and a silly young chick that came from working at Captain Fucking D's?? Please tell me why they put me in this retard class? Oh well. I will do my time and continue running circles around them until it's time to go. Go where? Fuck!

I went to work looking like 3 kinds of shit yesterday. I was sick as a damned dog and just didn't care. I cannot believe I left the house like that! And STILL wasn't the worst dressed or even close to it. So I'm lookin like the creature from Brokebitch Mountain with a fucking Nine West denim ball cap on, an orange sweater, jeans and these burnt orange loafer things. It's cold in there so I put on a damned 'Brooklyn' zippered hoodie to keep warm. So yeah I'm lookin real special like. I didn't have time to pack a lunch so I eat the cafe food and am lured into sitting with my class. *eyeroll* I am in the middle of telling some ridiculous story and look up and see a black guy. RARE! And he's kinda OK looking. SUPER RARE! So he's staring at me like "where the fuck did you come from?" and I'm giving him the same look but for different reasons I'm quite sure. He was dressed kinda weird and I couldn't tell if I liked it or not. Like was he Creature from Goodwill Mountain? Or does he just have a 'funky' style? I can tell you his lips looked delicious though. So as I'm staring I remember my ensemble for the day and am immediately embarrassed. Vow never to leave the house looking like that again. This city is killin me slow!

So last night I stay up all late and relax all my curls out b/c leaving the house with a wet head is soooo not the move out here in the Tundra. I put a rinse in it and maxi-glide this shit out. It actually looked purty this morning when I took it down. So I'm smellin myself but still can't bring myself to 'dress up' b/c I am still sick and it's cold and I couldn't give a fuck about these assholes I work with. But i don't wanna look too crazy cuz I'm gonna forego the Relaxation Room at lunch time so I can sit in the cafe and see if Mr. Lips will be in there agian. Lawd have mercy! I see this boy on my first break of the morning and think it's him but I'm not sure. I'm thinking he had a ROUGH night or I was delirious with fever yesterday. Yes he has nice lips but the chile is HURTIN. I have no idea wtf he had on either but it won't cute. I saw him leaving work today and he had that damned jacket on again and I have decided it's Goodwill and not 'quirky'. And had this wide ass white belt on and pants still draggin all low. I must have had tha fevah yesterday to look his way. Blah. The lesbian I met at my interview was straight up in my face though. The last job I had a lesbian attached herself to my fucking hip and wouldn't leave me alone. I actually went out with her and outted my baby cousin in the process. Bitch walkin around with me in a shirt that has "I *heart* pussy" on the front. I made her wear a jacket. But at least it's always the butchy boy ones that like me. So they must find me femme. If a femme approached me thinking I was a butch I'd take to my bed for days in depression.

I'm sooooo fucking tired. My back is killing me and I need to go to sleep. I have to take the 2 youngest to school tomorrow. The Bitch is taking the oldest to the airport to go to her grandfather's funeral. I wish I could go with her. Her mother is such a BITCH. She went over her friend's house instead of coming home to tell her about her grandpa last night. So we had to get her out of bed to give her the news. Then she started crying, but about bullshit going on in HER life instead of comforting her daughter. Then she gets off work early today but doesn't come home to tend to her kids. Doesn't answer their calls to her cell either. So my niece's aunt had to pay for her plane ticket and paid alot more b/c they couldn't contact The Bitch. She didn't even offer up ONE THIN dime knowing that woman can't afford to buy that girl a ticket. I was going to call her and offer to go halves but that is not my place. Her mother should have sense enough to do it. And her stupid father is out there and he's not offering up a cent. I fucking HATE these people. She spent the whole afternoon and evening cavorting with her dirty assed BOYfriend and comes home bitching and screaming. She beat the youngest with a plastic kitchen spoon for asking where the mustard is. Cussed the girl something terrible calling her all kinds of names. These kids are some hardheaded little sneaks but it's not their fault. I find myself wanting to curse them and beat their asses but I don't b/c it's wrong. I barely discipline them b/c of all the shit she does to them. Her dirty BOYfriend wanted to sleep in the damned car to avoid her mouth. WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE SEE IN HER? That bitch must can suck an egg thru a damned drinking straw for all the shit he puts up with. And to just be turning 21 dealing with her old ass and all her problems? He's dumber than he looks.

I guess I will take some pain meds and take my black ass to bed. Get up and do this shit all over tomorrow. I feel sorry for the kids b/c their mom is taking off tomorrow. I am willing to bet she forgets to pick somebody up or asks a friend to take one of them to practice or something. She forever talking about she is only one person. Well you are one person that doesn't do shit! How are you living in a beautiful house and all you have to pay is electricity and you're complaining? Your husband doesn't even live here and pays the mortgage. The shit you are paying is b/c YOU ran up your charge cards on shit YOU wanted. You sure as hell aren't spending any money on those kids or this household b/c that's all on me. And whatever you can swindle from your dirty BOYfriend. I want to leave here SOOOOOOOO bad. But I worrry about and even fear for these kids. The boy told me that when his parents divorce and he has to choose who to live with that he chooses me. I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't want his ass LOL. But nah I'd take them. Their father is an asshole too. He came into town Saturday and fucking left Monday morning. Got here too late to see the baby cheer and left too early to see the boy play foolball. Bastard. And he yelled 80% of the time he was here. Took them "shopping" and bought them some bullshit. At least he got the boy his cell phone his mom promised him for his b-day and didn't get. I have to remember these are not my damned kids! But at the same time I love them like they are. Shit. I don't want any fucking kids. I hope this lady tells me something good tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do if she says the wrong thing. I believe my response will involve a bridge and plenty gravity though. It would be my own careless fault though. And I'd have no choice but to live with it. I'm ashamed that my main concern is that it would be ugly. God forgive me.

I have to go pray. Pray that I waaaaaaaaaaaaaake up and stop doing dumb shit. Pray that I get it together. Pray that I haven't made a mistake & am not bringing an innocent into my madness. Pray for my niece that she is strong enough to make it through her Pappy's funeral. That she's strong enough to survive her own mother and father's ignorance and mistreatment. Maybe with my help and with Pappy watching over her, she'll be OK. I love that little girl.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/rip-pappy-74/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/zoom-id-like-fly-awayii-66/ Sat, 16 Sep 2006 04:25:06 GMT This song aint nothin but the truth. My sentiments exactly. Wish it didn't have me in tears though. Reminds me of my aunt and I miss her soooooo much!! I'd also like very much to fly away. Fly high enough and I could see her.

Zoom--The Commodores
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/zoom-id-like-fly-awayii-66/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/people-who-need-people-need-their-head-examined-65/ Sat, 16 Sep 2006 04:16:22 GMT Home alone on a Friday night and I should be ecstatic. I'm glad nobody is here bothering me but I'm kinda bored. I thought I'd want to go straight to sleep after work but I'm not sleepy anymore. I slept soooo hard last night. I think I was just getting restless in class today. I guess I will just watch what Tivo picked up this week until I drift off. The kids have work and cheerleading tomorrow so we'll be out and about. I'm waiting to see what happens when their father gets home. I feel so uncomfortable when he's around. He'll be here for a week and that's the longest he's visited. Usually it's about 2 or 3 days at the most. At least I'll be at work most of the time. I sure do wish I had a lock on this door b/c I'm knowin ****** are going thru my shit when I'm not here.

I'm so confused about my whole entire life. I can tell more and more each day that I am not going to like this job!!!! I like the perks though lol. I'm wondering if I can act right and put up with it for 6 months until I can get the hell out of that position. I looked into transfers today and the places you can move to are wack as fuck. Nowhere I want to go. I could fuck with Ft. Lauderdale though. I'd be one commuting heffa trying to get to school but I'd do it just to be out of this place. They were teasing me at work today b/c I was cold. Started telling me how severe the winters are here. I'm not gonna make it. I can feel it. My car is too low to the ground for all that damned snow. I don't even have a coat out here b/c I don't usually wear a coat. Long sleeves with gloves and scarf and maybe a hat usually do me good. Now I'll have to bundle all up and clean snow/ice off my car and all that bullshit. I just wish I could figure out what I wanted to do and just do it. I've got it figured out but the pieces just don't come together. I could stay out here and move up to the bigger city b/c I could transfer to a different/better position there. But hell there'd still be snow even though they say it melts faster there. I'll figure it out. And figure out how to get around these obstacles that are constantly popping up. I wish I could go to Tampa but I couldn't go to school for what I want out there. This sucks.

I got to thinking about Frugg today b/c of a conversation I had with DingBat at work. I kinda miss him. Just him and not necessarily the penis. I wonder if I just miss him b/c I'm bored and lonely. He was funny and entertained me. He was so nice to me too. I think that's what I miss. Just someone being nice to me. Chewbacca's gassy ass asked me if I wanted a hug today. I wanted to vomit. That boy smells like straight ass! He can't be farting all day or leaking gas. I'm starting to think he doesn't wash his ass or he has shitty draws or something b/c it's a constant wall of funk around him. FratBoy offered to turn down the A/C today b/c I was cold and I told him noooooooooo. If it was warm in that room flies would probably start to circle Chewbacca's butt. But he was right on track, I do need a hug. Just not a shitty one.

I got to thinking about my past 'relationships' today. Especially after reading a particular thread on LSA. I have never had a real relationship. I don't/won't allow it. I find that odd. I'm not even talking romantic relationships either. Even my friendships only go so deep. I mean I have had friends that I love dearly and we kick it hard, but usually it just fades away. I dunno why I do that. With men it's a whole different story. I can have sex with someone EASILY. But getting to know them or letting them get to know me is damned near impossible for me. And I give off that non-chalant attitude like I don't care and most times I really don't. But when they accept that I don't care and don't put in any real effort it pisses me off. I realize I can't have it both ways. I can't push people away and get mad when they fall back. I need to work on that b/c I'm getting old. And the older I get the more I realize that I, like LL, need love.

Scary fucking thought. I do not like the fact that such a basic need that's inherent in every one of us totally depends on someone else. We are born alone and die alone. Yet we spend all the time in between seeking out other people. We NEED other people in our lives. That kinda sucks. The one thing we want more than anything else, we have no control over. It's up to the other person/people to cooperate in order for us to have who we want in our lives. I think I don't seek people b/c I can never have who I want.

I want to be close to my younger sister. I want us to be best friends but it's just not that way. And I can't make it that way. Can't be forced. I want to be close to my mother too but I can't make it happen. I can't make her do it and I can't make her act the way I want her to so that I COULD be close to her. I want to be close to my Aunt Z but she's dead and aint a damned thing I can do to bring her back.

People that I've wanted to be friends with have just not been the right fit. The men I want are never right or available. I wanted L to be 'the one'. I've 'loved' him from the time I first laid eyes on him, thinking I didn't stand a chance. That's a beautiful man. I always thought in the back of my mind and in my heart that it would work out between us. Somehow, some way. *sidebar*(Damn that made me want to hear "Zoom" by the Commodores. RIP Aunt Z. Aahh thank God for iTunes. This is my JAM but I know I'm about to cry). But I always just thought L and I would work it out. That somehow we'd be together one day. But the babies just kept comin and he aint TRYIN to leave that girl alone. I find it odd that we didn't speak for years and I went thru the trouble of tracking him down in jail to support him the whole time he was in only to cut him off when he got out. I guess I felt bad b/c he didn't deserve to be there. I felt that he needed as many people supporting him as possible while in there. But I knew I didn't want to see him when he got out. Didn't want to get caught back up in the madness. Loving him and hating both of us. And then to be working in the same building as the BM and seeing her. Even taking a call from her mom one day and chatting with her for a while. That was sooo fucking random and weird. She has him and I hope they're happy.

Then let's get to Mac. I really thought that ***** was my FRIEND. Thought he had my back. I was so into him based on what I thought was the coolest friendship ever. The whole time dude is lying his ass off. How the FUCK you move to MY city and live 5 min from my house with the next bitch?? Lying the whole fucking time? And THEN gonna get mad about me sleeping with someone else when you were living with your girl and then moved down here to live with ANOTHER girl. That shit was the worst feeling ever when she called me and told me the whole story. To be woken out of my sleep with some girl I never met questioning me about her boyfriend that was trying to become my boyfriend and who I thought was my best friend. Ouch. And then your response. Just cutting me off. Shutting me out with no explanation. Ouch again. Then months later here you come with the text messages. OK we live in the same city dude, call. Still no explanation of what happened but I'm supposed to be OK with jumping back into dealing with you b/c yall broke up. Yeah right.

And last but not least, J. Now I never thought I'd be with him but for some reason I am soooo drawn to this fool that it scares me. Why do I even care? He's a fucking nutjob and I should be glad he's some other chick's problem. But I'm not. Nothing else to say or do. I'm not even going to try and figure out what it was/is about him. That's too many things. I'm not even able to explain in words the feeling. It's not love or even like. I don't even really like him. I'm just drawn to him.

So yeah the whole concept of 'people who need people' is completely lost on a bitch like me. I don't want to need nobody and I don't feel 'lucky' like the dumb song says. I am pissed off that I need people. I'm pissed off that I want people. And there's no word to describe the level of pissivity I feel about loving people. That's some hurtful shit. To love someone. Every feeling of love I have and have ever had has come with pain. I love my nieces and nephew so much that it hurts me how they are treated. I'm making myself unhappy to be here b/c I love them. Same with all of my family and close friends. I love them and would do anything for them but when it aint right it kills me a bit. Any love outside of my family has not gone well either. I fall in love with people's children just to be used and then have them used as pawns. Then to have them taken away from me. I won't even get into romantic love b/c I don't think I've experienced it but once and it ended horribly. I've wanted to experience it maybe 2 more times but never allowed it. Purposely sabotaged or picked the wrong dude from jump, knowing it couldn't/wouldn't work and therefore saving myself the trouble and proving myself to be 'right'. So yeah, I'm not with this 'needing people' and wanting/needing love bullshit. Hell even my fucking dog is a fickled bitch.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/people-who-need-people-need-their-head-examined-65/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/world-turns-63/ Fri, 15 Sep 2006 02:39:19 GMT Today was pretty decent. Chewbacca did the damn thing gnawing LOUDLY on a straw all day today. And he didn't let me down with the gas leaks either. He was all about the silent smelly farts today. And then the stupid Lil Jon loving bitch on the other side of me decided to join him. I was boxed in by the funk!! Nasty bastards. I swear I want to go on a violent killing spree. All day long I had "killll the white peopllllllle" playing in my head. UNTIL we had to watch this corny video and the muthafuckin DIRECTOR of west coast operations made a fucking music video to Vanilla Ice's "Ice,Ice Baby"!!!! I mean a full fucking video where he made up a rap about the company and had people from his office dancing in it and everything. I was appalled. Them honkies loved that shit though. Clappin all off beat. I wanted to scream. So after that of course I had that gawd awful song in my head all day UNTIL we watched a Power Point about fraud AANNNNNNNNND the mofos started playing "Fraud Busters" instead of "Ghostbusters". I knew that shit was coming when he turned the projector on. I despise corniness. Which leads me to the corny games we play in this computer training class and the corny names the Frat Boys thought up for our class. The Unicorns?? ***** is u serious? "Silent But Deadly???? The fool next to me got that shit on LOCK. Then they came up with "The Silent But Deadly Unicorns". I am not participating in that shit. They can kiss my black ass. All day even.

We have a "Relaxation Room" in the building. I headed straight for it when lunch time came. I needed to relax like the mofo and be away from the Frat Pack. Some dumb bitch was in there studying or something with the damned lights on *eyeroll* so I slapped my shades on and laid allllllll the way back in the massage chair. That shit was so comfy. I just chilled and tried to relax. It was much better when she turned the lights off. At the end of break I get ready to leave and I'll be a monkey's black ass if Chewbacca aint bring his stankin ass up in there. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE DUDE?? GO EAT YOUR FUCKING LUNCH SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO CHEW PLASTIC ALL AFTERNOON!!! He comes in grinnin all in my face askin me "how was it?". How was what *****? Your ass was here Monday when they had the tour, you've seen the fucking room so why in the HELL are you comin down here asking me questions??? I wasn't there on Monday so I had to ask someone where the room was and this bastard overheard me and decides to show up. I planned to go back tomorrow and everyday during lunch just to relax a little--little afternoon delight, but I 'clare 'fo chees and butter if that stankin fat breathing bastard comes in there I'ma go slam the fuck off! I get back to the room after shaking Chewbacca off my tail and take my shades off my head. DingBat gonna reach out and touch them and *sigh* talkin about she never seen anybody with Chanel before except on TV. I came out my face and told her how truly dingbattish I think she is. She thought it was funny. Hence the name DingBat. Po dummy. Jesus deliver me please from this 'place'.

I'm so tired I dunno what to do with myself. I cannot sleep b/c my back is KILLIN me and Ditz and Dirty are downstairs watching a movie at full volume. I fuckin hate the two of them with a passion. Lawd if the kids weren't here I'd be prayin and doin voodoo to make her husband come to town sooner than expected so she gets caught with this dirty ***** in the house!! Wooooo lawd that would be some good entertainment!!! I'd pop popcorn and pull that bottle of Goose out the freezer and have me a parrrrrrtaaaaay! I don't give a damn if she told him she wants a divorce. I know she's lying about telling him she has a 'friend' but I know good and gotdamn well he doesn't know this dirty bastard is living in the house he pays mortgage on in front of his kids. That ***** would go slam the fuck off. I'm thinking there will be some drama anyway since he'll be here for a week. I can't stand him really and don't have shit to say to him but I'm glad he'll be here so Dirty can't be here eatin up all my damned food and contaminating the kitchen with his dirty stankin ass. Also, I want the husband to see wtf is goin on around here. This bitch got it twisted like I'm out here hangin out on fuckin vacation. I be damned! I take care of these kids and this household and now have a job on top of all that I do around here. The Ditz doesn't pay for a damned thing concerning those kids and he needs to know that shit. I'm not here for my health or b/c I find this place fascinating, this is one of the last places I'd choose to be, I'm here b/c his wife is a fucking idiot and her children are terrified of her and can't stand to be alone with her. I'm here so they won't be mistreated and ignored all the damned time. Dr. Jeckyll ass bitch. She's fucked up now b/c the kids have started telling their father how she is when he's not around and he's getting hip to the game. He's pissed she didn't buy them shit for school after crying poor-mouth to him to get some money. But Auntie Shoewhore came thru and made sure those kids had clothes and everything else they needed. But that's what that bitch expects. She knows I won't see them suffer and she counts on me being a sucker for them so she can keep her dough in her pocket. Well I hope it's all worth it to her b/c her children do not respect her at all and she no longer has me in her corner and I'm all she had. Oh well. That's on her.

Taking my ass to bed so I can get up and do it all over again tomorrow. I hope this vicodin kicks in QUICK so I can be in lala land soon. The ear plugs are blocking out the movie so I shouldn't have a problem going right to sleep. I wanna watch TV but I'd better sleep. Maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night and blast my TV while they are trying to sleep. Tee-hee. I'm so fucking petty and don't give a good damn.


]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/world-turns-63/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/one-day-time-sweet-jesus-61/ Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:02:29 GMT I'm up early and DETERMINED to have a pleasant day. Even though my 'alarm' is SWIASO (she who I am sick of) screeching and cursing and complaining at the crack of dawn, I'm not going to let that set the tone for the rest of my day. These people are NOT playing about punctuality and attendance at work so I need to be sure I'm on time. I have no idea what I'm going to wear though. Definitely something warm b/c they are trying to freeze us in that room. It's a good thing the A/C is up high though b/c that fat bastard sitting next to me emits odors that could not stand up to heat. The room is small and closed in. No windows, no air circulating. This fool just leaks gas ALL DAY ALONG! What in the fucking hell is your problem dude??? Just silent deadly farts all freakin day. I don't even think he's farting. I think the gassy odors just oooooozzzze from his ass at a steady pace all day. I mean it smells like straight ass and turds in my area all day long! I'm sick of it!

And then he has the audacity to be one of those fat breathers like Biggie (RIP). Every breath sounds like he's gargling gravy and it turns my stomach. On top of the gas and the Biggie breathing, he chews EVERYTHING! First it was a pen top, then he takes the rings from around the top of his drink bottles and chews on them like the muthafuckin antidote is in them. Gnashing and snarling and slurping with abandon. Who does that shit? I mean homeboy goes to TOWN chewing on plastic and paper and all kinds of stuff. Then gonna ask me "Do you have to pee?". Nah bitch why? "Cuz your legs are jiggling like the pee-pee dance". CUZ I'M TRYING TO CALM MY NERVES SO I WON'T GO UPSIDE YO BIG ASS HEAD FOR FARTING AND CHEWING AND BREATHING LIKE A FUCKING BILLY GOAT! But I just laugh it off and go back to doing what I was doing. I'm such a fuckin lady.

I really want to wear these shoes today. I should have gone for a pedicure so my toes would be painted. Only my big toe will show but I feel like it needs color if it's going to be on display. I dunno why I worry about my outfits going up in this piece when these mofos look random as fuck. Who in the HELL wears footies with mules?? I was so angry at that bitch I wanted to cluck her upside the head. And then the mules are these big chunky black platform things with thick soles and big round toes like clown shoes. I don't get it.

I've spent all this week showing off for my trainer and the mofo is leaving. What a waste being nice and trying to impress some metrosexual former frat boy. I am overqualified to do this job and the lady in HR told me as much. I scored higher on the assessment than anyone ever has and I have YEARS of experience in this bullshit. They hardly ever hire management off the street though so I have to pay my dues and work my way up. Blah. Shouldn't be too hard as long as I can hold my tongue (and my nose) and get there on time and whatnot. FratBoy was promoted after only 6 months and our new trainer (lawd I'll get to him in a minute) has moved up/around every year. FratBoy is leaving us b/c he's gotten another promotion. Ok so new trainer. I haven't thought of a nickname for him yet b/c there are soooo many things 'wrong' with that picture. First of all, he has a faux-hawk with frosted tips. How in the hell am I supposed to listen to and take direction from a dude with a frosted faux-hawk. Frosty, that could be his nickname. He has that overly groomed white boy metrosexual thing going too but he seems ALOT goofier than Fratboy. We shall see how it goes. I am the only 'black' person in the class and I am the only one that knows WTF is going on besides this Puerto Rican lady that used to work for the same company I worked for in the past. I'll have to get a feel for the new trainer so I can get in where I fit in. The class is full of former frat boys and them fools bond quick. I had to make it known that I am intelligent and know what I'm doing and do 'extra' to stand out w/o coming across as a know-it-all. As tired and bored as I get, I fully participate and volunteer for stuff. I help those around me when I see them struggling. I hope that counts for something. But now I gotta start ALL OVER with Frosty. *sigh* That bleach blond bimbo in HR LOVES me so I am going to be popping into her office to say 'hi' ALOT. I don't even want this as a career--sick of the telecom world--but the benefits and perks are outstanding so I'll ride this shit out to pay for school and then bounce.

I need to figure out how long I'm going to stay out here in No (black) Man's Land. It'll probably be a while though. I don't want to start school out here and not finish and I don't want to delay it any longer either. I might be able to transfer with this company. Who knows. I'm just play it by ear and take it one day at a time.
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/one-day-time-sweet-jesus-61/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/its-too-early-shit-57/ Wed, 13 Sep 2006 13:21:26 GMT It is 7am and I've barely taken my morning piss and already there is drama. How can people piss me off so early in the morning???? Why do you have to use MY car to drop your kids off b/c you let your dirty assed boyfriend take yours to work? WHY? I don't give a damn if he is giving you money. YOU HAVE CHILDREN! THEY COME FIRST! If he stayed his smelly ass in his smelly barracks room that Uncle Sam provides for him, you getting up to take him to work at 4am would not be an issue! Why does he even spend the night over here when he has to be to work so fucking early? Why is he over here in front of your kids? Why did you lie and say he wasn't allowed here anymore b/c it was upsetting your daughter? You are the stupidest most selfish bitch ever and you will rot in hell for how poorly you treat your children. You'd better pray they are forgiving souls that will not hold what you do against you when your dumb ass is old and feeble. If you were my mother you'd be drinking Shug Avery pee on the regular. And you'd better not look for me when you're in Depends b/c I'd tell you "fuck you! I can't stand your ass!" just like you tell them. Who talks to their children that way? Never a kind word or a hug & kiss unless there's a tragedy or you are trying to force them to show you affection. They don't do it naturally b/c YOU ARE A BITCH.

Your youngest are STARVED for attention/affection. They come to kiss and hug you and you push them away. You're 'tired'. How much fucking energy does it take to stand there and let your 10year old daughter hug you goodnight? I hope you get it together b4 it's too late. I hope these children are not permanently scarred by your bullshit. I hope that enough people in their lives have shown them love and shown them how people are supposed to behave so that they don't act like you. I can see you in some of their behavior and it scares me. They can lie w/o thinking. They think they have to manipulate and bribe people to get in their good graces or to get what they want. They learned that shit from you. Sometimes I find myself being as skeptical of them as I am of you. If the boy does his chores, I'm wondering what he wants b/c I'm knowing he wants something. And just like you, no matter what somebody does for them it's never enough. They aren't as bad as you are, but they definitely have your ways. I pray for them. That they'll be OK b/c people can't go thru life using others and acting like that. You are a perfect example of how that shit doesn't work but you are too stupid to realize it. Everything is somebody else's fault. Everybody does you wrong and takes advantage of poor poor you. Not! Stupid bitch. I can't call you too many stupids or express your stupidity in enough ways. I just hope this is all over with soon. I know I have to get the fuck out of dodge. I know you will continue to be the bitch that you are and your behavior toward your children will worsen in my absence. That scares the shit out of me but I can't do anything else about it.

And to that insurance bitch: eat a dick up til you hiccup you habib lying ass bitch!
]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/its-too-early-shit-57/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/shit-i-need-off-my-dds-56/ Wed, 13 Sep 2006 04:55:34 GMT I started my new job today and I can tell I will hate it for the same reasons I hated my last 2 jobs. I'm so bored in this house and in this town though, that I will stick it out. I just hate going through training. That class is so damned boring. If I knew their computer system, I could teach the fucking class myself. This is all so common sense. The people I work with seem nice enough even though they are kinda tacky as hell. The girl I sit next to is an 18 year old Puerto Rican ditz that is in love with Lil Jon. She was actually heartbroken when I told her he's married. Dumb bitch. She went to GA recently and was amazed at all the 'thugs' she saw there cuz she loves dudes with gold teeth. She wants to have sex with Lil Jon. I didn't even know she was puerto rican b/c she looks like a gothy/grungy white girl. But nope, she's fresh off the boat from PR. She's such a damned ditz and said to me "I'm not bright at all" I wanted to agree but all I could do was laugh. She feels her biological clock is ticking and she MUST get married and/or have a baby soon b/c by the time she's 21 she'll be too old. I pray her body is as slow and non-working as her brain and that she does not get knocked up until she gets some damned sense. Lord knows she doesn't need to breed.

I was happy to see some brown faces in the building. Was really happy to see some HANDSOME brown faces until I walked by their desks and saw pictures of white women and beige babies. Tha fuck? I need to find a replacement for Frugg. I miss sex. It has been a month and 2 days. Priscilla (my good girl) is so fucking angry with me right now. I'll have to find her a Magnum XL-worthy mandingo to make up for cutting her off so abruptly. The chances of that are slim to none in this neck of the woods. Hardly any black men. Out of the very few that aren't corny as hell, most of them have gone global with the dating/marriage thing. This is some bullshit.

I'm sooooo ready to move. I love my sister's kids but dammit I cannot stand her or this fucking town. I need my own space to do as I please w/o someone constantly bugging me. They will be so hurt if I leave though. My oldest niece actually has nightmares about me leaving. Maybe her mom will let her go with me. I doubt it. She'll be losing a maid, a cook, 2 babysitters, a chauffeur and a nanny if we both leave. That aint happening. If I could find a LIFE out here, I'd just get my own place and let her come live with me. But I doubt I could be happy out here. Maybe up in the larger city but for real why move 2 hours away to STILL be in a state I don't like AND be away from the kids? I can't help them or really spend time with them that far away. Blah.

Then my sister's dirty assed BOYfriend is back. Fuck fuck fuck! He's a nice enough guy but she is dumber when he's around and completely ignores her kids. Bitch took off work 9 fuckin hours early to fuck around with him today and couldn't even pick them up from school. And he's already started eating us out of house and home again. I be damned if he didn't sit down and drink a half-gallon of milk. It's a good thing I bought a gallon or the kids would be assed out in the morning. I am not going to feed no grown ass man. Whatever arrangements they have are between THEM. She does not pay for food and I buy groceries for us and those kids-not him. I buy cereal and this dirty fool eats a mixing bowl full each night. Or wakes up eating 6-8 slices of toast or half a dozen damned eggs at a time. I am not having this shit. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm sooo glad her husband (yes dammit I said husband) will be home this weekend so all that shit will be cut the fuck out. I don't much care for the husband but at least the foolishness of this lil dirty fool being here all the time will cease. Hopefully he'll be gone to Iraq by the time the husband leaves so I won't have to put up with his ass again. I just don't see how somebody makes moves to put their lips on food they didn't buy! And I'm not a stingy or selfish person. I have cooked for him and offered him food but he just TAKES whatever he wants and doesn't eat regular portions. I try to throw hints by limiting how much I cook or buy but nope. he just takes what he wants. Even if I get take-out he's in the kitchen grubbin. I'm tired of holding this shit in, I'm going to say something and I don't care how she takes it. He needs to bring his own food or stay his ass over in his funky ass barracks. The army feeds his ass for fucking free but I sure as hell won't any longer.

I'm so drained I dunno what to do. I am sooooo ready for a freaking vacation. A REAL one. I guess a Weight Watchers meeting will have to suffice as my entertainment for this week. I'm on a roll and I need some support to continue. I hate to say it, but I need to be around some truly fat people so I will feel better. Though I won't feel better b/c I will still be unhappy with myself. Who the fuck loses weight for winter?? Was supposed to do it for summer with my dumb ass. But my thinking is that I'll go on vacay somewhere warm and will need to look good in a swimsuit. And the 'layered' look requires that I lose some of my natural layering so that I can layer with clothes instead. I don't even want to lose alot, I just want to fit nicely into my clothes and have a flat belly. That's it.


]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/shit-i-need-off-my-dds-56/ http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/filth-flarn-filth-53/ Mon, 11 Sep 2006 18:01:41 GMT I just want to type a string of vulgar curses but my fingers can't move fast enough to get out all the filth flarn filth that would express how I feel right now. I am so stinking angry that I don't know what to do. I can't even finish this. My mind is racing with too many thoughts and emotions. I also feel an anxiety attack coming on. Shit. Fuck! ]]> Shoewhore http://www.lipstickalley.com/blogs/shoewhore/filth-flarn-filth-53/