I don't know where to go from here...
Me and my guy friend have a history.We've known each other since we were 14 and I'll be having my 19th birthday next month. He's liked me since about 10th grade and at the time I had liked him too. I was really shy back then and so when a random girl came up to ask me if I liked him I told her no. Skip to a couple of weeks and he's dating my best friend. To his credit he had no idea she was my best friend. Time passes, they break up. But all 3 of us are still friends.
Even during college we kept in touch. He would call me every other night and we would stay on the phone for hours. He was going somewhere out of state. Keep in mind though I haven't seen him in person since our senior year of high school.
But he texted me a couple of days ago. It was really early, like at one in the morning. I forgot how we got on the topic but I was making jokes about my body. Here are the following text messages:
(earlier in the conversation he wanted to tell me something but had changed his mind about it)
Him: Well I'm going to explain my dilemma since I'm drunk enough to tell you. Four years ago I fucked up. It should have been you is all I've been thinking lately and you're best friends with ____ and so it's obvious what can't happen. Not to mention that you don't care anymore so it's just me being dumb thinking about you. And now you're like ew and I'm going crazy butterflies and all. But yeah. Haha, just ignore this lol. Seriously though.
Me: I know this isn't fair to you...I can stop talking to you for awhile if that will help you. Because you really shouldn't be sprung off me____. There are a ton of girls like me. I'm not anything special. And if you look hard enough I'm sure you'll find someone. I don't want you to feel like I'm dragging you.
Him: Girls like you? Fucking who ha. Lol, just forget it.
The conversation continues like this. And I felt out of my mind because it was 2 in the morning I couldn't believe I was having this conversation with him.
Him: I don't know what to tell you. You're fucking not like everyone else, and I didn't just come up with these thoughts today but I can just pretend this never happened. Much like all of high school.
Me: That's a long time ___. You haven't even seen me in person in over a year...Are you saying you still had feelings for me even when you were with (my bff).
Him: Idk. I...did but I couldn't..
Me: __if you knew that then why would you do that? You had sex with (my friend) and everything...But it's over and done with. Ok. Ik you say your feelings are strong but I honestly think its just infatuation. You don't love me so that's the only thing it could be.
Him: When I first started dating __I still had feelings for you but because __was there and she told me she liked me I didn't know what to do so I repressed my feelings for you and I started dating ___. I know it was wrong but infatuation isn't the word. I care about you, and it's dumb that because I dated ___ I can't like you? I don't...idk was I supposed to just run up and tell you that hair you had in ninth grade was all over your face, or that every time you smack it just makes me laugh. I'm never upset before or after I talk to you. You're so insecure about your looks, but you're so goddamn gorgeous and freaking smart. I couldn't just ruin the best friendship I had, fuck the only one. So I just waited. Ugh forget this.
I mean I really didn't know how to react to all of this. I just kept apologizing.
Him: Don't worry about it. You pretty much answered my questions for me. I don't need help because I care about you.
Then he proceeded to tell me to forget it about it and I told him to get some sleep since he was drunk. I haven't talked to him in days now. I think one of his co-workers passed away but I'm not sure and I wanna reach out but I feel like he needs space right now. I just feel awful because I don't feel the same way and probably never will because there's no way in hell I'd date my best friends ex who was her first for everything.
I just feel stupid and confused. I don't know what to do and it sounds like he's in love with me...