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4th’s Time the Charm?

incogneato

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So I have a deep history with this person, and we have tried a relationship three times. The last time I ended things because of certain dynamics going between us and a third party (it was no cheating, it’s was a matter of friend group complications and him being her only friend at the time) and my own personal anxieties. I feel really attached to him and I feel like there could always be something more between us. Is it wrong to want a fourth time? My friends are definitely saying do not go down that road because of compatibility but I just think if we both worked for it, it could be an amazing relationship.
 

KarinaX

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I’ll be optimistic here - For things to work the 4th time, you need to change things that did not work the first 3 times. If you cannot release those blockages, then you need to move forward without him.

I believe anything can be manifested but you in your subconscious needs to believe things can change and have changed for things to physically/energetically change in reality. This is where most people fail - and the second old negative feelings come up again, there would be feelings like “you ALWAYS do this” or “I knew you would act like this” (in a negative way).

also curious - what makes you two compatible? And what was the reason for each breakup?
 

Ambi D

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There are billions of people in the world. Just because someone is in arms reach doesn’t make them gold. It’s dumb to keep banging your head against a brick wall and expecting something other than a concussion.
 

Scorp Ties

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I’ll be optimistic here - For things to work the 4th time, you need to change things that did not work the first 3 times. If you cannot release those blockages, then you need to move forward without him.

I believe anything can be manifested but you in your subconscious needs to believe things can change and have changed for things to physically/energetically change in reality. This is where most people fail - and the second old negative feelings come up again, there would be feelings like “you ALWAYS do this” or “I knew you would act like this” (in a negative way).

also curious - what makes you two compatible? And what was the reason for each breakup?
The first time I honestly can’t remember, second time was due to us moving out from college during quarantine and the uncertainty of things especially because I am an out of state student. Third was because of my own anxieties and the fact that I felt like he gave her more sympathy in regards to a situation that happened with me specifically and other people in the friend group. He was the only friend she had so all her time she had spent with him. And I feel like we’re compatible because ever since we met we just meshed. Our friendship, our dynamic was just different out of anyone else’s in our friend group. We are just thick as thieves and he is truly my best friend. (I didn’t realize I didn’t have to be incognito)
 
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KarinaX

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The first time I honestly can’t remember, second time was due to us moving out from college during quarantine and the uncertainty of things especially because I am an out of state student. Third was because of my own anxieties and the fact that I felt like he gave her more sympathy in regards to a situation that happened with me specifically and other people in the friend group. He was the only friend she had so all her time she had spent with him. And I feel like we’re compatible because ever since we met we just meshed. Our friendship, our dynamic was just different out of anyone else’s in our friend group. We are just thick as thieves and he is truly my best friend.

okay so I wouldn’t call any of these reasons deal breakers (which would be for example toxic behaviors or simply different life goals or lifestyles). Plus given the details you provided, you seem very young still.

you both inevitably have a lot of growing to do (just based on where you are in life) so don’t force anything. If you feel drawn to him and you guys are very compatible, trust that there’s a reason. However also believe in the concept of “timing” and sometimes at this point in life is not the right time.. but maybe a year or more down the road, it could be. For a relationship to work, you need both compatibility AND timing to be in your favor.

My advice to you is to not force anything. Be your best you. If it didn’t work 3 times, it means there is still work for you both to do. So do that. Analyze why it went wrong each time. Where could it have been fixed. For example is it a communication issue. Is one party emotional and always jumping to conclusions. Is one party toxic. Be real with yourself about your own flaws. Work on yourself, look hot, do you. Sometimes that involves dating other people. But I promise you that space from him and growth will naturally attract him to you. The better you make yourself, it will attract a better version of him too. If you keep trying things with the version you guys are today, it will keep flopping. And I know you don’t want that. Sometimes just not rushing things and taking your time and developing yourself is how the most solid, long lasting relationships form. And always trust your gut first about the connection you guys have.
 

ChocolateGold

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No, let it go. You only have this deep connection due to history. This isn't the life long partnership that you're seeking. If it didn't work out three times why go back for a fourth time?

Time and space will show you that he's not worth it. Don't waste your years on him. You will look back and wanna kick your own ass.
 

Scorp Ties

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okay so I wouldn’t call any of these reasons deal breakers (which would be for example toxic behaviors or simply different life goals or lifestyles). Plus given the details you provided, you seem very young still.

you both inevitably have a lot of growing to do (just based on where you are in life) so don’t force anything. If you feel drawn to him and you guys are very compatible, trust that there’s a reason. However also believe in the concept of “timing” and sometimes at this point in life is not the right time.. but maybe a year or more down the road, it could be. For a relationship to work, you need both compatibility AND timing to be in your favor.

My advice to you is to not force anything. Be your best you. If it didn’t work 3 times, it means there is still work for you both to do. So do that. Analyze why it went wrong each time. Where could it have been fixed. For example is it a communication issue. Is one party emotional and always jumping to conclusions. Is one party toxic. Be real with yourself about your own flaws. Work on yourself, look hot, do you. Sometimes that involves dating other people. But I promise you that space from him and growth will naturally attract him to you. The better you make yourself, it will attract a better version of him too. If you keep trying things with the version you guys are today, it will keep flopping. And I know you don’t want that. Sometimes just not rushing things and taking your time and developing yourself is how the most solid, long lasting relationships form. And always trust your gut first about the connection you guys have.
Thank you so much and yeah we’re both 21 years old so we have time and room to grow. He just has twin flame energy for me.
 

NoOneButYou

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You're single until married. Work things out. Continue to live, grow & learn yourselves ( separately & together). Enjoy life & each other. Take breaks occasionally, then come back together.
 

Bella8933

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So I have a deep history with this person, and we have tried a relationship three times. The last time I ended things because of certain dynamics going between us and a third party (it was no cheating, it’s was a matter of friend group complications and him being her only friend at the time) and my own personal anxieties. I feel really attached to him and I feel like there could always be something more between us. Is it wrong to want a fourth time? My friends are definitely saying do not go down that road because of compatibility but I just think if we both worked for it, it could be an amazing relationship.

Look, as I have said many times ... it ain't THAT darn hard to be in a relationship IF you are both suited for each other. It just isn't. It's like falling off a log. Everything falls into place because mentally, in terms of development etc ... you are in the same place.

It is extraordinarily rare for it to work ..even the second time around and you are talking about your fourth time around?

I think you are in fkbuddy situationship and you are in denial about it.
Ya'll get together and everything is fine for fking and then it starts to fall apart yet again...wash, rinse, repeat.

Then there is the obvious. It NEVER works when the woman is the one ... trying to make it work. Never. The guy is the one thatś got to be one 'trying to get it to work' but after 3 failed attempts .. a normal man would have stepped off by now.

You need to hang it up woman. All that cra* about being 'connected' to him is just that .. cra*. Are there NO other men in the world?
 

Bella8933

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The first time I honestly can’t remember, second time was due to us moving out from college during quarantine and the uncertainty of things especially because I am an out of state student. Third was because of my own anxieties and the fact that I felt like he gave her more sympathy in regards to a situation that happened with me specifically and other people in the friend group. He was the only friend she had so all her time she had spent with him. And I feel like we’re compatible because ever since we met we just meshed. Our friendship, our dynamic was just different out of anyone else’s in our friend group. We are just thick as thieves and he is truly my best friend. (I didn’t realize I didn’t have to be incognito)

So you are a college student and the SECOND time was just last year during the pandemic?

So how can there be a DEEP history if you are only 19 or 20 years old?

You are exaggerating and there is no such thing as the twin flame thingy. :/

If you were compatible and everything just meshed .. there would NEVER have been a break up. This guy would have never let you go.

But in truth at 19, 20, 21 or whatever .. you are BOTH way to young to be locked down.

Again, you are wasting your time.
 

Scorp Ties

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So you are a college student and the SECOND time was just last year during the pandemic?

So how can there be a DEEP history if you are only 19 or 20 years old?

You are exaggerating and there is no such thing as the twin flame thingy. :/

If you were compatible and everything just meshed .. there would NEVER have been a break up. This guy would have never let you go.

But in truth at 19, 20, 21 or whatever .. you are BOTH way to young to be locked down.

Again, you are wasting your time.
I want to note that the second time was because of the pandemic we were all unsure of what was gonna happen. And when we got back we realized that there’s still something there. I ended things because of my anxiety the third time, I let the third party get the best of me, I let her win. Because she would always come over when we were alone unannounced, and him being the way he is didn’t want to kick her out because she had no one else. And because I was in a rough spot with her I would usually leave. And in way I know she wanted that, not because she liked him but because when it comes to friends she was very territorial like and thought of everything as a competition. And when it comes to the deep history I mean like I’ve known him for all three years and he been there for the some of the lowest points in my life, he basically knows everything about me and vice versa. Like we had a different dynamic from any other two people out of our friend group.
 

TaniJay

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4th time???? He11 no. I believe in giving someone a second chance in some cases but 4, nope. That's way too many. This seems very unhealthy.
 

NarcoticVenus

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Then there is the obvious. It NEVER works when the woman is the one ... trying to make it work. Never. The guy is the one thatś got to be one 'trying to get it to work' but after 3 failed attempts .. a normal man would have stepped off by now.
This needs to be a sticky.

If he really wanted you, he would have locked you down already.
I want to note that the second time was because of the pandemic we were all unsure of what was gonna happen.
If a guy cares about you he will definitely want to make sure you're ok in a time of uncertainty.
And when we got back we realized that there’s still something there.
You mean you realized that you hadn't met anybody else and he was the only one paying you attention.
I ended things because of my anxiety the third time, I let the third party get the best of me, I let her win. Because she would always come over when we were alone unannounced, and him being the way he is didn’t want to kick her out because she had no one else. And because I was in a rough spot with her I would usually leave.
He didn't want to kick her out because he was sleeping with her.
And in way I know she wanted that, not because she liked him but because when it comes to friends she was very territorial like and thought of everything as a competition.
Absolutely because she liked him.
And when it comes to the deep history I mean like I’ve known him for all three years and he been there for the some of the lowest points in my life, he basically knows everything about me and vice versa.
That alone is not enough to hold a relationship together.
Like we had a different dynamic from any other two people out of our friend group.
I'm pretty sure a lot of that was wishful thinking on your part.

OP, I don't want you to think I am being mean, but you are still young and have a lot to learn about men. It is really hard to get over someone you get feelings for at that age, but believe me, there will be so many better opportunities for you as you mature and come into your womanhood.

Concentrate on school, make new friends and put this guy in the rear-view mirror.

Good Luck :heart:
 

Scorp Ties

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This needs to be a sticky.

If he really wanted you, he would have locked you down already.

If a guy cares about you he will definitely want to make sure you're ok in a time of uncertainty.

You mean you realized that you hadn't met anybody else and he was the only one paying you attention.

He didn't want to kick her out because he was sleeping with her.

Absolutely because she liked him.

That alone is not enough to hold a relationship together.

I'm pretty sure a lot of that was wishful thinking on your part.

OP, I don't want you to think I am being mean, but you are still young and have a lot to learn about men. It is really hard to get over someone you get feelings for at that age, but believe me, there will be so many better opportunities for you as you mature and come into your womanhood.

Concentrate on school, make new friends and put this guy in the rear-view mirror.

Good Luck :heart:
Thank you for that, I know they weren’t sleeping together, she’s too much a prude to begin with. Now if something says otherwise then oh well. Now her liking him idk her type is white boys but who knows.
 

Scorp Ties

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Thank you for the advice everyone, it’s just good to have an unbiased outside opinion to help clear the air
 

Bella8933

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I want to note that the second time was because of the pandemic we were all unsure of what was gonna happen. And when we got back we realized that there’s still something there. I ended things because of my anxiety the third time, I let the third party get the best of me, I let her win. Because she would always come over when we were alone unannounced, and him being the way he is didn’t want to kick her out because she had no one else. And because I was in a rough spot with her I would usually leave. And in way I know she wanted that, not because she liked him but because when it comes to friends she was very territorial like and thought of everything as a competition. And when it comes to the deep history I mean like I’ve known him for all three years and he been there for the some of the lowest points in my life, he basically knows everything about me and vice versa. Like we had a different dynamic from any other two people out of our friend group.

No, these are all excuses.

The pandemic didn't end relationships that were real. The internet has been up all this time. :) People texted, emailed, had zoom calls etc on a regular basis - that is what people do to stay connected in a crisis.
They don't end it because they don't know what will happen. Duh! Makes no sense. Thatś how lil kids think in a disaster.

Though there have been a ton of divorces and DV incidents which of course stem from being locked up with people you don't want to be with but thatś another story.

Yep, this pandemic has really shown a lot of people who they really are.

If you have anxiety such that you can't date a guy again, you are wasting your time. NOBODY has anxiety to that point unless something is really wrong with them, you need therapy. How can a third party - this other woman so interfere with whatś going on with you and this guy? Unless heś fking her or something like that is going on behind your back.

Again if you are 19, 20, 21 ... you are both TOO YOUNG to make it work at this age anyway. This is all a waste of your time ...

Then there is the obvious which is HOW COME HE is not chasing YOU down for the FOURTH try?

If you hit HIM up ... you are chasing him. Hands down.

You will have to learn the hard way but at least you can't say no one warned you.
 

Scorp Ties

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No, these are all excuses.

The pandemic didn't end relationships that were real. The internet has been up all this time. :) People texted, emailed, had zoom calls etc on a regular basis - that is what people do to stay connected in a crisis.
They don't end it because they don't know what will happen. Duh! Makes no sense. Thatś how lil kids think in a disaster.

Though there have been a ton of divorces and DV incidents which of course stem from being locked up with people you don't want to be with but thatś another story.

Yep, this pandemic has really shown a lot of people who they really are.

If you have anxiety such that you can't date a guy again, you are wasting your time. NOBODY has anxiety to that point unless something is really wrong with them, you need therapy. How can a third party - this other woman so interfere with whatś going on with you and this guy? Unless heś fking her or something like that is going on behind your back.

Again if you are 19, 20, 21 ... you are both TOO YOUNG to make it work at this age anyway. This is all a waste of your time ...

Then there is the obvious which is HOW COME HE is not chasing YOU down for the FOURTH try?

If you hit HIM up ... you are chasing him. Hands down.

You will have to learn the hard way but at least you can't say no one warned you.
I wouldn’t hit him up but I was just feeling like if it were to happen again would it be wrong to try again and having hope for the future so to speak because of the way I feel right now. And when it comes to the girl, like I just he sympathized with her more in the situation I had with her personally and overall with the girls in the friend group, she was the common denominator in a lot of stir ups. And I just felt like she didn’t deserve that sympathy cause she was in the wrong. And him being the people pleaser he is, always tried to play devil’s advocate. She would cry to him and he would feel bad for her. So with that because of my frustrations with that whole dynamic and my anxieties that’s why I backed away and in the end felt like I let her win.
 

SafeLanding

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Three stikes and you're out. Move on and focus on your life rather than forcing things to work. If it's meant to be you won't have to chase or struggle
 

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How many times would you be willing to give it? What’s your cut off? Smh
 

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