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A lot of these conversations being had about toxic parents is very one sided.

Butters2001

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This makes no sense. We have studies that show abused and neglected children have poor outcomes in adulthood. There will always be exceptions to the rule but maybe these exceptions were stunted due to their childhood trauma.
Your post is not based in logic. What's the matter? Your kids must be holding a mirror to your face.
I don’t fµck!ng have kids. Anytime someone does not share a certain point of view many of you love to project a certain image onto the person to help explain it away. This is like the third time it’s been implied that I have children.
 

Butters2001

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I mean... usually when people post an experience on an anonymous message board the person they are speaking of is unaware and unable to provide their side of the story
Which is why I’m often hesitant unless we are talking about situations of rape, molestation, etc.

I’ve seen certain sh!t play out in my own family to know better. For example, some people just don’t get along. That was how my late grandfather and uncle was. They loved each other but they were not two men who thrived off of close proximity. Distance was the key to their relationship IMO. Sometimes a parent and child’s personality just might not mesh well together and that is okay so long as there is no abuse and neglect.
Many, fail to realize just how normal that is.
 

CuuntyAunty

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I agree some of these conversations are incredibly one sided. I will never forget reading a thread where the OP was discussing nosy parents who pretend to clean just to be nosy and read your diary. Well, one font was going off on how her mom was so toxic and nosy and didn't respect her boundaries because the font, at TWELVE years old, bought thongs from Victoria's Secret. Her mom accused her of being xesually active and she got spanked. Idk where y'all from, but a 12 year old buying VS thongs is absolutely a cause for extreme outrage. I do believe in toxic parents and I believe in toxic children. The fact that as an adult, the font still does not see she was wrong and how her actions caused the reaction, is very tone deaf and telling.

I also hate how these conversations always blame black parents, as if black children are being abused or at a higher rate than other children. No, I cannot relate to 90% of these stories and I don't know people who do, although I empathize. My issue is when toxicity and abuse is labeled as a black parents issue and more often than not, a black woman's issue, but fonts hate the angry black woman trope. I hate it hate it hate it

Half of these problems will be eliminated if the font moves out but when that's suggested, you're called callous, not empathetic and cold. It's met with a host of excuses of why they can't move out or they ignore it and only reply to other fonts who come in those threads to commiserate
You spoke a WHOLE word here.
 

CuuntyAunty

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We often talk about how black men suffer from self-hate but rarely black women. When we do talk about black women who suffers from self-hate it often revolves around it being projected onto our outer appearance not how it is projected on how many of us feel about other black women as a result of said self-hate.
That is why it is so easy for many black women to attack other black women and to verbally degrade them. They don’t like what stares back at them in the mirror for starters
I think all that is discussed on this forum is how we hate ourselves and each other on some level quite frankly. I see where you were trying to go with this but no babygirl, I personally believe all the ways black women display self hate is over discussed and dissected. I be wanting the sis’ to take a damn day off from it honestly.
 
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This is deflection. If you are a sh!tty adult you don’t get to blame your parents for that. Accountability is in order.
How is it a deflection to state that parenting influences a child's behaviour and that therefore parents have to provide good parenting? How many times can you find a sh!tty adult who hasn't experienced any childhood trauma/bad parenting? Behaviour is learned, is it not?
 

Angel Salvadore

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Lol, thank you. Many in this thread are acting obtuse. I don’t agree with spankings because they don’t do sh!t. However, many people resent their parents for establishing any kinds of rules and discipline. There is this mother on TikTok who all those little kids on there like.

Any they ask her questions about her family and she entertains them because she knows they are young and curious. These teenagers called her toxic because she said she chaperones her children’s date and that they are not allowed false nails until the age of 18. Those are her rules, and they don’t seem to be coming from a toxic place at all. The amount of people that was duetting her and telling her she was being toxic and unreasonable was wild to me.
Or maybe the problem is your inability to clarify what exactly your opinion is. You are all over the place. You claim the toxic parent conversation is one sided, but in your own OP you said you don’t disagree with a lot of the things people claim are toxic. Then you claim that you yourself have toxic parents. Is this just an attempted pissing contest? What do you hope to achieve here?
 

Butters2001

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How is it a deflection to state that parenting influences a child's behaviour and that therefore parents have to provide good parenting? How many times can you find a sh!tty adult who hasn't experienced any childhood trauma/bad parenting? Behaviour is learned, is it not?
Yes parents play a role in shaping who a child becomes as an adult but they are not the only blame or source. There comes a time when one has to stop blaming their parents for all their shortcomings. It becomes no longer acceptable. If you are an adult blaming every thing on your parents you may lack self-awareness and personal accountability.

I don’t promote this line of thinking because if that’s the case then it can be argued that your parents were sh!tty parents because they were raised by sh!tty parents. That may even be true to some extent but do you see where this extreme lack of accountability creates a cycle of dysfunction and shiftless beings?
 

Butters2001

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Or maybe the problem is your inability to clarify what exactly your opinion is. You are all over the place. You claim the toxic parent conversation is one sided, but in your own OP you said you don’t disagree with a lot of the things people claim are toxic. Then you claim that you yourself have toxic parents. Is this just an attempted pissing contest? What do you hope to achieve here?
This conversation is about children who refer to their parents as toxic while leaving out how they too play a role in the toxic relationships they have with their parents.

Im not all over the place at all, you can acknowledge one truth while also acknowledging the other. This is not rocket science or hard to understand.
 
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I don’t promote this line of thinking because if that’s the case then it can be argued that your parents were sh!tty parents because they were raised by sh!tty parents. That may even be true to some extent but do you see where this extreme lack of accountability creates a cycle of dysfunction and shiftless beings?
You know what, you literally described the intergenerational trauma cycle which continues this dysfunction. The only accountability due for the traumatised child/adult is how they break this cycle by seeking therapy and ways of healing, either way parents are not blameless imo.
 

Butters2001

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You know what, you literally described the intergenerational trauma cycle which continues this dysfunction. The only accountability due for the traumatised child/adult is how they break this cycle by seeking therapy and ways of healing, either way parents are not blameless imo.
I don’t believe them to be blameless, what I am saying is that they are not the only source for the blame.

There are a lot of ways my parents have shaped me for the worse. Especially my mother when it comes to my self-image. However, to blame her completely for my shortcomings is bull sh!t. A good therapist worth his or her salt would call that out right away.
 

KingwoodHeaux

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Op I agree with what you're saying. I know there are some toxic bad ass parents in the world, but there are also some parents who just made mistakes or wasn't perfect, just like their children. People love to hold parents to a perfect standard when they aren't perfect children. It's a difference between a parent being human to being a toxic abusive person. Nowadays people just want to have a hard life story and blame others for why they aren't sh!t.
 

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Which is why I’m often hesitant unless we are talking about situations of rape, molestation, etc.

I’ve seen certain sh!t play out in my own family to know better. For example, some people just don’t get along. That was how my late grandfather and uncle was. They loved each other but they were not two men who thrived off of close proximity. Distance was the key to their relationship IMO. Sometimes a parent and child’s personality just might not mesh well together and that is okay so long as there is no abuse and neglect.
Many, fail to realize just how normal that is.
That’s fair. It’s all about perspective.
 

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I’m talking about 18 an over, I thought that was made clear in the OP.

Lastly, we know that sh!tty parents exist. This thread is talking about sh!tty children who deflect and claim their parents to be the sh!tty ones when it really them. Your comment is proving my point.
Do you really think a sh!tty parent or child is going to log on to the internet and tell the truth? sh!tty people always blame other people!!
 

RoadRage

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I don’t fµck!ng have kids. Anytime someone does not share a certain point of view many of you love to project a certain image onto the person to help explain it away. This is like the third time it’s been implied that I have children.
You can be anything over the internet. This site is anonymous and I don't believe you.
 
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I see this thread is already starting off with deflections. When we discuss sh!tty parents everyone rightfully piles on. However, when we talk about sh!tty children everyone wants to be skeptical due to a perceived innocence. There are just as many sh!tty children that torture their parents as their are toxic parents.
Who raised them?
 

Butters2001

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You can be anything over the internet. This site is anonymous and I don't believe you.
Okay hun, go off. You could easily go over my post history. I’m a whole ass virgin and have shared this in threads relating to the very subject. Just say that you want to project a certain image onto myself to justify why I see things the way I do as opposed to you and go.
 

RoadRage

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Okay hun, go off. You could easily go over my post history. I’m a whole ass virgin and have shared this in threads relating to the very subject. Just say that you want to project a certain image onto myself to justify why I see things the way I do as opposed to you and go.
As if people don't create online personas all the time.
 
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I agree some of these conversations are incredibly one sided. I will never forget reading a thread where the OP was discussing nosy parents who pretend to clean just to be nosy and read your diary. Well, one font was going off on how her mom was so toxic and nosy and didn't respect her boundaries because the font, at TWELVE years old, bought thongs from Victoria's Secret. Her mom accused her of being xesually active and she got spanked. Idk where y'all from, but a 12 year old buying VS thongs is absolutely a cause for extreme outrage. I do believe in toxic parents and I believe in toxic children. The fact that as an adult, the font still does not see she was wrong and how her actions caused the reaction, is very tone deaf and telling.

I also hate how these conversations always blame black parents, as if black children are being abused or at a higher rate than other children. No, I cannot relate to 90% of these stories and I don't know people who do, although I empathize. My issue is when toxicity and abuse is labeled as a black parents issue and more often than not, a black woman's issue, but fonts hate the angry black woman trope. I hate it hate it hate it

Half of these problems will be eliminated if the font moves out but when that's suggested, you're called callous, not empathetic and cold. It's met with a host of excuses of why they can't move out or they ignore it and only reply to other fonts who come in those threads to commiserate
Outrage, not really.
She bought underwear. And to get beat for it seems extreme to me. But it was a perfect time to talk about xes and maybe get the child on birth control to protect her future.
 

CuuntyAunty

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Which is why I’m often hesitant unless we are talking about situations of rape, molestation, etc.

I’ve seen certain sh!t play out in my own family to know better. For example, some people just don’t get along. That was how my late grandfather and uncle was. They loved each other but they were not two men who thrived off of close proximity. Distance was the key to their relationship IMO. Sometimes a parent and child’s personality just might not mesh well together and that is okay so long as there is no abuse and neglect.
Many, fail to realize just how normal that is.
I see your point here. My mom and brother haven’t ever gotten along.
 

RoadRage

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Girl just move around at this point. I don’t care what you believe me to be. Your on ignore.
If I was on ignore, i wouldn't be able to read your post. So it's obvious you are a liar. It's not a stretch you are lying about everything else you're saying online. Stop seeking attention online.
 

itsmianya

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I keep hearing sh!t about parents thinking that their children owe them for being here. I understand how that mentality is very problematic but you can’t say that and then out of the side of your neck huff and puff that you had to pay bills or was kicked out as soon as you turned 18. If children don’t owe their parents sh!t then why are they expecting the same of their parents?

I’m not saying I agree with any of the above because I don’t, I’m just calling out the glaring hypocrisy. Also, most of these children who hate their parents just resent them for being poor. They need to let that hurt go and go practice modern day eugenics going forward if they are that mad. I refuse to persecute parents for being poor and raising their children. The argument could be made that they should not have had them because they are poor (eugenics), however I am not harping on it because the child is go come regardless. People swear they are so concerned about poor children but never offer a helping hand.

Lastly parents who cut off their toxic children are never met with the same encouragement. In fact they are often picked apart for it despite having toxic ass children who don’t deserve a damn thing pass the age of 18.
op you seriously asked why people dont owe their parents sh!t?

do the world a favour: don't procreate please. We already got enough fµcked up people on the world.

Calling out the lack of proper family planning does not equate to hating your parents for being poor btw
 

Butters2001

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op you seriously asked why people dont owe their parents sh!t?

do the world a favour: don't procreate please. We already got enough fµcked up people on the world.

Calling out the lack of proper family planning does not equate to hating your parents for being poor btw
Not only will I procreate I will adopt as well, you sound erratic. And I never said that.
 

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Parenthood doesn't end at 18, and I think most people aren't just mad and resentful of their parents JUST because they were poor. Usually parents are label toxic for 1. behaving like children themselves, and never actually considering the needs of their children.
 

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I agree some of these conversations are incredibly one sided. I will never forget reading a thread where the OP was discussing nosy parents who pretend to clean just to be nosy and read your diary. Well, one font was going off on how her mom was so toxic and nosy and didn't respect her boundaries because the font, at TWELVE years old, bought thongs from Victoria's Secret. Her mom accused her of being xesually active and she got spanked. Idk where y'all from, but a 12 year old buying VS thongs is absolutely a cause for extreme outrage. I do believe in toxic parents and I believe in toxic children. The fact that as an adult, the font still does not see she was wrong and how her actions caused the reaction, is very tone deaf and telling.

I also hate how these conversations always blame black parents, as if black children are being abused or at a higher rate than other children. No, I cannot relate to 90% of these stories and I don't know people who do, although I empathize. My issue is when toxicity and abuse is labeled as a black parents issue and more often than not, a black woman's issue, but fonts hate the angry black woman trope. I hate it hate it hate it

Half of these problems will be eliminated if the font moves out but when that's suggested, you're called callous, not empathetic and cold. It's met with a host of excuses of why they can't move out or they ignore it and only reply to other fonts who come in those threads to commiserate

You don't see the issue here where the Parent ACCUSED their child of being xesually active based on buying VS thongs?
Since when have thongs been an indicator of xesual activity. That was not an act of a toxic child. Children especially approaching teenager push their boundaries and are learning to discover all aspect of their identity. The fact that they would accused their child of being xesually active, did MORE harm if she wasn't then if she was. That is not a case of extreme outrage, that was an opportunity to have a CONVERSATION and why they felt the need to buy and wear thongs and about xesually identity. TOXICITY is the ability to not see beyond yourself and how your reactions/ actions shape and form the behaviour of your children beyond.

There are FAR MORE TOXIC PARENTS, than TOXIC kids, because Parents and the environment they control and create have a much greater impact, then the environment that a child may create for their parents.
 

SupaSupaNova

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OP I agree with you when you say people rarely want to discuss sh!tty children and the discussion is always centered around sh!tty parents

On the topic of what is owed. Unfortunately in this life, in many situations someone will have to give more than the other.

For example, when a child comes into this world, the mother is always going to have to sacrifice more than the father. It starts with pregnancy, then the whole post pregnancy period and generally if a child is sick the mother is called.

When children are really young more is expected from the mother than the father. That will never be equal.


The same is true when it comes to who owes who what. Parents will always owe their children more than their children owe them, because the parent is the one who made the decision to bring the child into this world. That decision alone is what creates the imbalance.


But to me just because that is the case doesn’t mean, we do not owe our parents basic respect. I believe we owe our parents a lot of respect because they are our first guides in life and they raised us.

To me a parent having children in poverty doesn’t necessarily make them a bad parent or make them toxic. Is it ideal no, do children suffer, yes, but most parents that have children in poverty try to do their best.


We can look at our parents situation, understand it wasn’t ideal, decide to do more for our children, while at the same time having compassion for our parents and understanding that they did what they could with what they had.

I finally understood that. I felt a little resentment towards my parents for some of the things that we had to deal with growing up, but at the same time I wanted them to have compassion for who I am as an individual. At a certain point I came to realize that I was being unfair towards them, because they do love me and they did the best they could with what they had.


There is so much I am going to take from them, but there are a couple of things I will change. But overall I know they had my best interest at heart even though I didn’t feel it at the time.

Our relationship is better because I came to that realization
 

MrsSamCooke

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As a child of two (highly) toxic parents who have done me a lot of psychological damage in their time (the amount of inner child work and shadow work I've had to do is staggering) and also in being a mother myself (who does all she can to ensure she is NOT screwing up her kid like my folks screwed me up), I'd like to post here..

It's a FACT that it is a parent's duty to care for their child in many, many ways which should go part and parcel with raising their young. It is a the FACT that a child's behavior and actions are predominantly based on what their mother and father demonstrated to - and taught - them. It is a FACT that the amount of toxic parents outnumbers toxic children (while they are being raised by so, so, so far. Outside of bullies (which is almost always caused by the parents' actions and behavior at home) and your freak homicidal 'bad seed' - kids are not toxic. I don't believe kids can ever truly be called toxic until they reach their mid to late teen years, or early adulthood. Kids come into this world pure. Their spirits may be all-knowing, but their minds, their emotions, their physicality are of innocent. They each have a precious individuality. Over time, this innocence and individuality gradually become squelched by adults more than anyone else - from parents and other relatives, to less-than-optimum teachers at school and other adults which then can result in a crushed spirit and a loss of creative, philosophical and spiritual freedom.

OP, I know what you were shooting for with this thread but the issue is, is that there is just little to discuss topic-wise since it is kind of a moot point considering all the FACTS (and I didn't even list them all).

My biggest foe, emotionally-speaking has always been fear. I'd been conditioned from about age 3 or 4, to always think 'what if,' to worry, to doubt and above all, to fear. I learned this from my father. What a toxic thing to have taught a child! Am I at fault for this - was I? This 'teaching' affected my life in countless, adverse and extreme ways for decades until I got to the roots of it and healed myself (even then, I can still have issues which I have to kick into submission). It is a parent's duty to give their child a sense of of being safe, reassured, protected and nurtured - not the opposite. My son suffered from PTSD due to a serious health crisis he went through a few years ago. Both my husband and I also got PTSD from the ordeal, but we have never let our son see this.

I just can't support picking on kids with issues when they stem from toxicity that was passed down - in all likelihood - from their parents. You can blame parents for so many things and you would be right in doing so - including much of the world's and society's problems. Any untoward actions and behaviors of theirs can be played forward from generation to generation - what is known as , 'negative ancestral templates.' It is up to us, when we become parents, to break those patterns. It is a HUGE responsibility to be a parent and a number of people just aren't fit to be. It's a sad truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. Do you know all the hurdles folks must go through in order to adopt a kid? It is too bad that would-be biological parents do not have to conquer such hurdles; it should be like filling out the longest job application of them all.
 
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withcholookingass

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Here’s my unsolicited opinion.
My parents DO owe me because once a man, twice a child. They will need me in the future. So it would have been wise to set me up for the best life possible to care for them later on or at least be nice to me.
I also feel like sh!tty kids come from sh!tty parents!

Anytime my parents try to say something negative about me, I remind them I was raised by them and that I though ass whippings were was makes a model citizen ....

Anyway, my children won’t have to worry. I’m more of know better do better type person. They’re more of this is how my parents did me so that’s all I know.
 

aloeveratea

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This is weird asf ngl. Poverty doesn't equal abusive nor toxic. Just because you can see the connection doesn't justify abusive behavior. Becoming a parent is a life long obligation, it doesn't end at 18. 18 is still a teenager, an 18 year old is at the bare minimum of being a legal adult and if you're waiting for age 18 to turn off your parental responsibility and tell em to kick rocks your bummy asf and should invest 35 for the pill, 6 for the box of condoms and keep a plan b in stock bc you do not have the emotional strength nor funds to raise a child.

If you are from an abusive home you gotta commit to healing yourself first or you'll become people like OP who need for multiple reasons to justify and minimize the abuse other people have faced as okay as if you lived thru their experiences while thinking of your own past as the end all be all of abusive childhoods.

OP sincerely thinks she can judge and decide what is and isn't abusive and can say what reaction to said abuse is or isnt valid. Very strange. It's easy to coddle the adults in your life as "they were poor and went thru a terrible life themselves which is why they abandoned me like a dog in the woods after I turnt 18. They still love me" and it's even easier when to say that to someone else.
 

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