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Am I wrong for not talking to my mother?

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I am still mad at my mother for not backing me up when her son-of-a-b!tch ass husband decided to kick me and my 4 kids out of her house, when my husband's business was not going well and we could not pay him $300 a month for rent. Me and my kids had to reside at a homeless shelter for 2 months until my husband could rake up enough dough to get us a place of our own. This motherfµcker wanted every single dime he could get out of us. I never had that great of a relationship with my mother to begin with, and I regret putting my family through that. But some people I know are telling me to forgive my mother because she didn't put us out, her husband did. I can't help how I feel though, and I haven't talked to her since June.
 

CoolWhipBish

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:hug: OP I'm sorry to hear this. YOu have every right to feel the way you feel.
 

MrsImanShumpert

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Your mother should've put her sh!tty husband out! I hate it when parents choose their spouse over their children. If I were you I'd give that fucker a piece of my mind, and let my mother know what she allowed to happen was unacceptable!
 

RoxieR

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Nope I would forgive her because you only have one mother in life but she was wrong for letting him do that.

To be honest I would do the same thing if I were you.

Completely foul for her to watch her daughter and grand kids go basically on the street.
 

AwesomaPowa

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That sucks. I can see why you're mad but take it out on the guy not your mom. Can't believe they can both watch you guys go to a shelter. Just disgusting. Do you have other family or friends who can help you?
 

GlamChick

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I hate situation like this. I hope and pray I never go through this with my kids because my kids no matter what will always be my kids.

I normally would tell a person give it time then try to make amends with your moms but to let her husband kick you and your kids out when yall was down on the street is not cool at all. So what you got a husband it still my job as a mom to be there for my kids.

I bet if he had kids he wouldn't do that to them. I don't like that at all.
 
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Your mother should've put her sh!tty husband out! I hate it when parents choose their spouse of their children. If I were you I'd give that fucker a piece of mind, and let my mother know what she allowed to happen was unacceptable!

I gave the both of them a piece of my mind in June, because my mother wasn't really in my life when I was younger, and I see why now. She still blames my great-grandmother, who raised me, and my father for not allowing her to take care of me.
 

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OP, I'm going to say something that you may not like, so just take that as a warning. Although I understand the situation with your husband's business not going well, it is NOT your mother's, or her husband's, responsibility to take care of you and your children.

Trust me, I get where you are coming from with this, but in my opinion, your anger is misdirected. Once you got married, you and your husband became ONE flesh. If your husband's business wasn't going well, it is HIS job to seek out other alternatives so that you and your children stay afloat. Once you got married, that obligation CEASED to belong to your mom.

Again, I completely understand that as her daughter, you feel that she should've helped, but think about it...why should she continue to allow you and your 4 children to remain in her household rent free? HER bills have to be paid and with extra people in the house, those bills inflate. So what should they have done? Continued to allow you to stay there and continue mounting up expenses? What if they would've gotten themselves into debt, BECAUSE of you and your 4 children? How is that fair? I'm sorry if you may feel offended by my opinion, but I'm trying to help you look at it from another standpoint.
 
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That sucks. I can see why you're mad but take it out on the guy not your mom. Can't believe they can both watch you guys go to a shelter. Just disgusting. Do you have other family or friends who can help you?

My husband moved us next to his folks, so they could look out for us while he's on the road. He's an owner-operator truck driver, so he's on the road most of the time.
 

MrsImanShumpert

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OP, I'm going to say something that you may not like, so just take that as a warning. Although I understand the situation with your husband's business not going well, it is NOT your mother's, or her husband's, responsibility to take care of you and your children.

Trust me, I get where you are coming from with this, but in my opinion, your anger is misdirected. Once you got married, you and your husband became ONE flesh. If your husband's business wasn't going well, it is HIS job to seek out other alternatives so that you and your children stay afloat. Once you got married, that obligation CEASED to belong to your mom.

Again, I completely understand that as her daughter, you feel that she should've helped, but think about it...why should she continue to allow you and your 4 children to remain in her household rent free? HER bills have to be paid and with extra people in the house, those bills inflate. So what should they have done? Continued to allow you to stay there and continue mounting up expenses? What if they would've gotten themselves into debt, BECAUSE of you and your 4 children? How is that fair? I'm sorry if you may feel offended by my opinion, but I'm trying to help you look at it from another standpoint.
So you'd toss your child out on to the street? I don't know about you , but my children and their children will always have a place to stay as long as me and their father are around.
 
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OP, I'm going to say something that you may not like, so just take that as a warning. Although I understand the situation with your husband's business not going well, it is NOT your mother's, or her husband's, responsibility to take care of you and your children.

Trust me, I get where you are coming from with this, but in my opinion, your anger is misdirected. Once you got married, you and your husband became ONE flesh. If your husband's business wasn't going well, it is HIS job to seek out other alternatives so that you and your children stay afloat. Once you got married, that obligation CEASED to belong to your mom.

Again, I completely understand that as her daughter, you feel that she should've helped, but think about it...why should she continue to allow you and your 4 children to remain in her household rent free? HER bills have to be paid and with extra people in the house, those bills inflate. So what should they have done? Continued to allow you to stay there and continue mounting up expenses? What if they would've gotten themselves into debt, BECAUSE of you and your 4 children? How is that fair? I'm sorry if you may feel offended by my opinion, but I'm trying to help you look at it from another standpoint.

I understand where you're coming from about the bills and everything. We tried to make negotiations with them about the whole situation, and I know that it can be a burden. We was giving them as much money as we could give them, but it wasn't good enough for him. The point is my mother did not defend me when he decided to put us out.
 

Princefanxo

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I would be hella mad too but if you want to have a relationship with her eventually you will have too let bygones be bygones. The longer time goes by the harder it will be to reconnect. Has she reached out to you? It seems like you do want a relationship or you would have completely washed your hands of it and not even question if it was wrong or not.
 

E L M O

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If something happened to you or your mother and you were no longer able to talk with her, would you be content with how you left things?

Call her and ask her to talk somewhere neutral - Starbucks, the park, a cafe, a restaurant. Tell her how you feel and try to mend fences. Write everything you want to say in a letter and recite it to her when you see her, so you don't forget anything. Keep things calm and peaceful.

You have a right to be angry, but life is too short.
 

PhatzMalone

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So you'd toss your child out on to the street? I don't know about you , but my children and their children will always have a place to stay as long as me and their father are around.

Nowhere in my response did I say that and for the record, I have BEEN IN the OP's situation, which I why I presented that very scenario in my response to the post. Also, I never said I agree with what her stepfather did, I just gave her a different angle to look at it from.
 
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I would be hella mad too but if you want to have a relationship with her eventually you will have too let bygones be bygones. The longer time goes by the harder it will be to reconnect. Has she reached out to you? It seems like you do want a relationship or you would have completely washed your hands of it and not even question if it was wrong or not.

She has not reached out to me at all. Come to think about it, I was always the one reaching out to her in the past.
 

PhatzMalone

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I understand where you're coming from about the bills and everything. We tried to make negotiations with them about the whole situation, and I know that it can be a burden. We was giving them as much money as we could give them, but it wasn't good enough for him. The point is my mother did not defend me when he decided to put us out.

OP...dunno if you're gonna see my other post before this one, but I was in your situation. I wasn't able to give my mother what she wanted at the time, but I still made an effort to contribute where I could. If that weren't enough for your stepfather, then dude is truly an asshole. As far as your mom is concerned, I understand your anger, but you only get ONE mom in this lifetime and God forbid something happen. It's not worth it. My advice to you is to talk to your mom. Make her aware of how you felt, but do so without being malicious or accusatory. I know you're angry, but anything good that can come out of the conversation, will get lost in how you deliver your feelings to her. All the best to you. :psmile:
 

untold

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Sounds like there is a cycle of resentment going back some generations.

Break that cycle.

Take care of your own family the best way you can. When you got married and made a decision to have FOUR children, that's your responsibility. Any help given by family or anyone else should be considered a privilege, not an entitlement.

Sounds harsh ... I KNOW .. but your children are learning by example that you have to take responsibility for the decisions you make as a family. Perhaps your children will learn that before they start a family, they have a solid roof over their heads that no one can take away from them. Even if it's just a one bedroom apartment, it's YOUR home, no one else can toss you out of it.

I don't understand the rush to start a family. But since what's done is done, you have to face your responsibilities without blaming anyone else.

Your mother is your mother. She will always be your mother, her husband may not always be your step-father. You're a mother now, just imagine if you make a mistake and your children resent you for it forever. You can also show your kids that adults make mistakes, but unconditional love means no forgiveness is required, just acceptance.
 

Princefanxo

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Sometimes you have to suck up your pride and be the better person. Send her a card just to say hi how or you or something like that. At least you made the first step to open up the door and see where it goes from there.
 

BluffCityBelle

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OP, I'm going to say something that you may not like, so just take that as a warning. Although I understand the situation with your husband's business not going well, it is NOT your mother's, or her husband's, responsibility to take care of you and your children.

That's what family does. That's what family is for. When one is weak, the other picks up the load. When one needs support, the others prop her up. I know my parents would put me and any hypothetical children I have up, so we didn't have to sleep in the shelter. That's what decent parents do.

When her mother chose her husband over her children, she abdicated her right to be considered family.
 

BluffCityBelle

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. Perhaps your children will learn that before they start a family, they have a solid roof over their heads that no one can take away from them.

In this economy, many of the solidly middle class are one disaster away from homelessness. It could be injury or layoff, but nobody but the top holders of wealth are sitting so well that they don't have to worry about someone coming for their home.
 

untold

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In this economy, many of the solidly middle class are one disaster away from homelessness. It could be injury or layoff, but nobody but the top holders of wealth are sitting so well that they don't have to worry about someone coming for their home.

The current situation is simply a reflection of the way people take too much for granted.

I know someone who has a huge credit card debt and is far from paying off her mortgage, yet she just bought a new car. Her "old" car was only 3 years old. She has a good job but what if she has a a long-term injury?

Another font on here who is a single mother also bought a new car, despite living in rented premises. She is very young and the prestige of a new car is more important to her than the stability of a home for her child.

People make these decisions based on optimism, and while optimism is a healthy attitude, it can also be a misguided road to disaster.

If someone wants to take risks, they should delay having children.

I know a married couple who did not even own a car when they bought their run-down dump of a house in a prestigious location. The house was in such a bad condition they had to fix a few things before they could move in. They took public transport or cabs in an emergency, and paid off their home before starting renovations, one room at a time, restoring the old house to an extraordinary glory. They did not have a child until their home was fit for a child and they could afford a private school education for her. They are now multi-millionaires.







That's what family does. That's what family is for. When one is weak, the other picks up the load. When one needs support, the others prop her up. I know my parents would put me and any hypothetical children I have up, so we didn't have to sleep in the shelter. That's what decent parents do.

When her mother chose her husband over her children, she abdicated her right to be considered family.

If all things were equal, I'd agree with you. But we don't know or understand the mother's emotional state at the time. She's a human being first, with all the vulnerabilities that make it unfair to judge her based on expectations. Not everyone who becomes a mother is equipped to be one, even when their kids become adults. We see this over and over. People need to understand that there is more to being a parent than just biology.
 

canadiandesi

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I think only someone in that situation could understand, yes you only get one mother in your life but not all women are equipped to be mothers (not all men are meant to be fathers either). I distanced myself from my mom for my own sanity, she made a lot of mistakes with her anger and love of money which affected our family and still hasn't learned. OP, don't feel guilty but just keep a cordial relationship with her and you don't have to speak to your stepdad. I would never let my kids live in some shelter as long as I am alive so I can understand your frustration.
 
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Sounds like there is a cycle of resentment going back some generations.

Break that cycle.

Take care of your own family the best way you can. When you got married and made a decision to have FOUR children, that's your responsibility. Any help given by family or anyone else should be considered a privilege, not an entitlement.

Sounds harsh ... I KNOW .. but your children are learning by example that you have to take responsibility for the decisions you make as a family. Perhaps your children will learn that before they start a family, they have a solid roof over their heads that no one can take away from them. Even if it's just a one bedroom apartment, it's YOUR home, no one else can toss you out of it.

I don't understand the rush to start a family. But since what's done is done, you have to face your responsibilities without blaming anyone else.

Your mother is your mother. She will always be your mother, her husband may not always be your step-father. You're a mother now, just imagine if you make a mistake and your children resent you for it forever. You can also show your kids that adults make mistakes, but unconditional love means no forgiveness is required, just acceptance.

We did have our own residence before staying with my mother for 6 months, but we got evicted because of a shady landlord who wanted to raise the rent and basically put everyone out who couldn't afford the rent increase. That's the reason I though it was the best decision at the time to move in with my mother.
 

untold

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We did have our own residence before staying with my mother for 6 months, but we got evicted because of a shady landlord who wanted to raise the rent and basically put everyone out who couldn't afford the rent increase. That's the reason I though it was the best decision at the time to move in with my mother.

Was there another family from that residence you could have shared a slightly larger home with?

I've heard stories of people have had to do this, and learnt to tolerate each other's ways of living.

Two couples, two lots of children. Both mothers in part-time jobs, taking turns at being at home, sharing everything from laundry, cooking, cleaning, baby-sitting etc. Sharing bills helped them tremendously as they were able to buy in bulk.

They ended up learning from each other. Wasn't a perfect situation but it was life-changing on many levels, and they survived each other and learnt that family isn't always about blood. Sometimes, the only people you can count on are those who understand your circumstances because they are in the same boat.
 
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Was there another family from that residence you could have shared a slightly larger home with?

I've heard stories of people have had to do this, and learnt to tolerate each other's ways of living.

Two couples, two lots of children. Both mothers in part-time jobs, taking turns at being at home, sharing everything from laundry, cooking, cleaning, baby-sitting etc. Sharing bills helped them tremendously as they were able to buy in bulk.

They ended up learning from each other. Wasn't a perfect situation but it was life-changing on many levels, and they survived each other and learnt that family isn't always about blood. Sometimes, the only people you can count on are those who understand your circumstances because they are in the same boat.

I wish that we would have seriously considered that option. When all of the residents that got evicted left the property, we all went our separate ways. Me and my hubby thought that family are the only ones that you could rely on in tough times. But after that experience, we found out that not necessarily true.
 

untold

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I wish that we would have seriously considered that option. When all of the residents that got evicted left the property, we all went our separate ways. Me and my hubby thought that family are the only ones that you could rely on in tough times. But after that experience, we found out that not necessarily true.

I also know a situation where a young couple had a baby (planned) without taking into consideration the matter of how they would pay the rent on only one income when the woman had to give up work to have the baby. After struggling for a few months, they had to give up their rented house and move in with the woman's parents, the baby's maternal grandparents.

It was Grandma's idea as a solution but Grandpa had started to enjoy the peace and quiet at home after work, and resented a crying baby when he was trying to watch TV, plus the two extra adults in the house drove him nuts. Long story short, it did not last and the whole experience rattled the family dynamics.

The couple was really too young to have a baby, but their close friends had started to have kids and they wanted to have the same - typical of today's generation .. they want what they want, and they want it NOW.

Here is how I see it ... if a couple cannot manage their money well enough to buy a home, pay off a chunk of the mortgage, living on only ONE (the lower) income and using the other (higher) income to cover the mortgage, then it's a clue that they will run into serious trouble once they have kids and they hit a hurdle. If there are no hurdles (unlikely), at least they will have a house paid for with money being saved for college that they can fall back on in a serious family emergency.

OP, I am not being judgmental, OK? You don't need to be thrashed when you've been through enough stress and trauma. Just saying that mistakes are made .. but teach your children about them. One of the biggest mistakes parents also make is not giving kids pocket money, because learning about the value of money and understanding its role in life must start in childhood. Many adults who run into financial difficulties were never given the opportunity as kids to experience having money, and being taught the benefits of saving it towards a goal (bike, computer, clothes, etc)., of paying interest on a debit balance (loan), and earning interest on a credit balance. It's crazy that something as fundamental as money management is not given the attention it deserves as a life-skill. A child should not have to pay for his/her own computer, clothes etc but if they are part of the purchase process, they will value it more. For example, they save and pay for 50% of the cost of the clothing item of their choice. If they want an expensive, designer label, they have to take responsibility for their choice by saving for it, learning about making it a goal to work towards.
 

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OP, I would say forgive your mom for your sake, not hers. I can't say whether you should try to maintain a relationship with her. You have to really put some thought into that and decide if it's best for you emotionally and mentally to love her from a distance or try to rebuild from here. I cannot see allowing my kids and grandkids to go to a shelter, when they are helping as best they can and trying to get back out on their own. Have a safe weekend, everyone.
 

Wyldeflower

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OP, sorry but I say forgive too. Forgiveness is for you not her, first and foremost. In fact, none of this is about her. You really don't want to walk around hurt, mad, etc. because not forgiving really only hurts you. Second, doing this will show your children how to treat you as a parent as they grow up and get their own families. You are their example and they are watching you and how you handle things. Feel me? With one action, you will affect 6 lives (husband, children and you!) in a profound way and create a new legacy generations to come. You are a daughter, yes, but you are now a Mom and wife and those are your priorities.

But here is what I was wondering: What financial position is Mom in? Does the house belong to the husband or your mother? Does she have her own money? Just wondering if her 'position' with him is as precarious as yours was....is she one or two wrong moves away from being on the street? Which would make that action easier to swallow to be honest.

Lastly, you said something that struck me. Is the issue really that she did not defend you? Sounds like you wouldn't be so hurt if she had fought tooth and nail for you, even if you still had to go to the shelter. If so, it kinda feels like the issue is a little more deep rooted....and this was just another incident on top of many. All I can say is that this may be where you have to accept that she doesn't have what you need her to have, so she can't be that Mom you want her to be. Once accepted, I think you will deal with her differently and it will improve your relationship, which will make you happier, yes? Maybe even to where you may find out why she is the way she is, if you don't already know.

(I've had to do the same with my mom so this is what worked for me. )
 

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OP, I'm really sorry about the issues you've had to face.

To be honest, I don't blame you one bit for not speaking to her. If I were you, I wouldn't speak to her either. With all due respect....a mother should never do something like that to her child and grandchildren....
 

Rosaline84

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No , i wouldn't.She allowed your kids , her grandchildren live in a homeless shelter.Thats a wrap for me.Focus on your family and make sure you will never get in that position again.Make from now on the right choices for your family.Good on your husband for getting you guys out of there.May things continue to get better .
 

Remy Newport

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In this economy, many of the solidly middle class are one disaster away from homelessness. It could be injury or layoff, but nobody but the top holders of wealth are sitting so well that they don't have to worry about someone coming for their home.

I suppose this logic could be applied to the op's parents. I'm sure it's hard to all of a sudden have to support six people and not know for how long.

Op, forgive your mom, give her a call and get your financial house in order.
 

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OP, I'm going to say something that you may not like, so just take that as a warning. Although I understand the situation with your husband's business not going well, it is NOT your mother's, or her husband's, responsibility to take care of you and your children.

Trust me, I get where you are coming from with this, but in my opinion, your anger is misdirected. Once you got married, you and your husband became ONE flesh. If your husband's business wasn't going well, it is HIS job to seek out other alternatives so that you and your children stay afloat. Once you got married, that obligation CEASED to belong to your mom.

Again, I completely understand that as her daughter, you feel that she should've helped, but think about it...why should she continue to allow you and your 4 children to remain in her household rent free? HER bills have to be paid and with extra people in the house, those bills inflate. So what should they have done? Continued to allow you to stay there and continue mounting up expenses? What if they would've gotten themselves into debt, BECAUSE of you and your 4 children? How is that fair? I'm sorry if you may feel offended by my opinion, but I'm trying to help you look at it from another standpoint.

I agree with this comment, but only to a certain extent because i guess the same can be said about PARENTS who get old and need their children to look after them.

It's the parents responsibility to make sure they themselves have made arrangements for their old age, retirement and home going arrangements as well, but it doesn't always work out like that, as the old saying goes "the best laid plans often go awry" sometimes even if you have a solid plan in place things can still go wrong and you still may need help from family or friends.

One day OP's mom may need help from her, she may become disabled or her husband may pass away first and leave her in debt or any unexplained, unfortunate situation could befall her (God forbid), i know her mom wouldn't want her child to turn her back on her in her time of need.

I remember watching the news several years back where the burden of taking care of an elderly parent was falling heavily upon the children to take care of them, although these elderly people had been married, had jobs and had the opportunity to save, buy a house that could be sold to pay off debt, buy life insurance, burial insurance and health insurance plus create a financial portfolio where they could have invested in financial Cd's (Certificate's Of Deposit) and stocks and bonds..etc to create assets that would make money in order to look out for their future well being, however they neglected to do so or things just didn't go as they planned.

Instead they had to rely on their children to take care of those obligations, which was a huge burden on their children who still took them in to keep them from ending up as elderly ward's of the state, they took on the added cost of bills that came with taking care of the elderly, these children put themselves in debt to make sure mom and dad could live the last days of their lives in a comfortable living facility because they felt this was the right thing to do as their CHILDREN, this was their flesh and blood that gave birth to them, it's true that you only get one mother/father, but it's also true that each child you have is a gift, not to be thrown to the side when they can't help themselves.

There were other children of elderly people who were featured in the news story who were like OP's mom and took their husband/wife's side when they said they couldn't afford to take care of mom/dad and they would leave them in airport's and hospital parking lots in the freezing cold in wheelchairs with out even a note to let whoever found them know who their flesh and blood was because they didn't wanna have to take responsibility for their own parents when they were found, it was one of the saddest stories i ever saw, to see flesh and blood turn their backs on one another.

My grandmother always taught us that "charity begins at home and spreads abroad", and although i am not a Bible thumper or a overly religious person, even the Bible speaks of taking care of your family FIRST, in 1 Timothy 5:8 it says "Moreover, anyone who does not provide for his own people, especially for his family, has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

My point in saying all this is: Someday the parent can end up needing the child as much as the child needed the parent, if that happened should the child think the same way as you suggested OP's parent's were thinking when they put her and her kids out?

OP, if i was in your shoes i would feel the same way but unforgiveness is like punishing your own self, every time you think of the pain your mother caused you it's like reliving the incident over and over and the only one suffering is you hon, take baby steps in reaching out to your mom, i'm sure she loves you and has thought about what went down and has her reasons for doing it, she may be ready to talk it over and give you some peace of mind, either way i wish you the best of luck.
 

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