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Dear Therapist: I’m Dating a Divorced Man With Kids, and It’s Harder Than I Thought

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His ex-wife is constantly texting and calling him about problems with their kids, and I can’t help but feel annoyed.

Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

Dear Therapist,

I’ve been dating Adam for two and a half years. I’m 33 and childless, and he’s 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. We seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our relationship.


Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn’t work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every ailment for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids’ main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can “set them straight.” I’m certain that she’s the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never go out of control with Adam, and I’ve only seen them be pleasant.

Every time Adam’s ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I feel and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but it’s really difficult to care for the kids while keeping the ex out because she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I love each other deeply and cherish being in each other’s lives, but a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension between us. I try hard not to feel like a victim in all of this because I understand that it’s my choice to be with him, but I can’t help feeling robbed of something that should be mine. I’m open to any suggestions and perspectives.

Ginger
Rochester, New York

How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Needy Ex-wife? - The Atlantic
 

S O S Y E

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She's not married to him. She has no children with him. She should leave. Simple.
 

Inana

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He’s too old for her and has too much baggage.

She should find someone who’s at the same stage in life and stop resenting that a middle aged man has a family and all the responsibilities that come with it.
 

MissDeee

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I wouldn’t have wasted 2.5 days with him. I know my tolerance level. Men with kids and exes attached ain’t for me.
 

DaughterofHermione

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She needs to either leave and find a man with less baggage or put up with it because the ex wife is not going anywhere. She’ll be there
tenor.gif
 

Sacha951

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His ex-wife is constantly texting and calling him about problems with their kids, and I can’t help but feel annoyed.

Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.

Dear Therapist,

I’ve been dating Adam for two and a half years. I’m 33 and childless, and he’s 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. We seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our relationship.


Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn’t work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every ailment for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids’ main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can “set them straight.” I’m certain that she’s the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never go out of control with Adam, and I’ve only seen them be pleasant.

Every time Adam’s ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I feel and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but it’s really difficult to care for the kids while keeping the ex out because she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I love each other deeply and cherish being in each other’s lives, but a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension between us. I try hard not to feel like a victim in all of this because I understand that it’s my choice to be with him, but I can’t help feeling robbed of something that should be mine. I’m open to any suggestions and perspectives.

Ginger
Rochester, New York

How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Needy Ex-wife? - The Atlantic

I would gladly pick up his phone to respond and filter the calls lol..

For sur the kids are his priority but he chose to have her by his side so I guess he has to put more boundaries w the ex. if not stay single till their 18s or go back to the clingy ex I would say.
 

Skinnie Minnie

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She shouldn’t settle for this. And if she winds up marrying him and/or has a kid with him? She’s gonna end up like my coworker who’s miserable in the same situation. Basically alone in taking care of their child because her husband claims he’s been there and done that smh. It’s better to break up now so she can be with a man who has no attachments and is marriage minded.
 

Love Diva

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This is why I don’t date men with kids. I tried once and one of them rugrats grabbed the phone while he and I were FaceTiming. It was more awkward than when my mom hands some random person the phone in the middle of our conversation

Anyway, I’m reading this and I’m confused as to why she is annoyed with the ex wife. Sounds like coparenting. His’s wife’s disability check is non of her business. She sounds insecure
 

Triniqueen77

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Been there, done that and no more! The kids were horrid but the entire relationship is problematic! When dating someone with kids you have to resolve yourself to the fact that you will never be number one in their life!
 

Chris Partlow

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They’ve been together over 2 years, so she knows what it is by now. It’s not going to change all the sudden. She needs to deal with it or leave.
 

DontTouchXO

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She said "she has completely tied herself to the kids." smh. That's what you get when a man has a family already, now imagine he has 4 baby mama's and you want to be his girlfriend. Lol.
 

Rosegold3995

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She shouldn’t settle for this. And if she winds up marrying him and/or has a kid with him? She’s gonna end up like my coworker who’s miserable in the same situation. Basically alone in taking care of their child because her husband claims he’s been there and done that smh. It’s better to break up now so she can be with a man who has no attachments and is marriage minded.


shoot..that woman would be ringing his phone off during the wedding ceremony, reception ceremony and Honeymoon ...


B Y E!!!!
 

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Dear Therapist,

I’ve been dating Adam for two and a half years. I’m 33 and childless, and he’s 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. We seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our relationship.


Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn’t work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every ailment for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids’ main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can “set them straight.” I’m certain that she’s the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never go out of control with Adam, and I’ve only seen them be pleasant.

Damn, this sounds a lot like the early days of my relationship--the age difference is the same, he had joint custody and was paying alimony and child support, and his ex-wife wasn't working. The only difference is they only had one child, and he and I were already married by the time we were their age.

Long story short, though, the ex-wife hated me and I generally tried to ignore her because I just didn't care about her. I was completely indifferent to her and I think that bothered her most of all. She was a complete non-factor to me, although she tried very hard to be a thorn in our side.

But I applaud my husband for maintaining appropriate boundaries: nothing she did or said affected my life or our relationship because he wouldn't let it.

Speaking from experience: It's this woman's boyfriend's responsibility to set some boundaries, and if he feels she is worth it, he will do so to keep her happy and in his life. Although an ex-wife might seem like a problem in the beginning, in the grand scheme of things she is irrelevant. Kids grow up and spouses fall out of contact. Fifteen years after I first met my husband, his first wife is hundreds if not thousands of miles away, their child has BEEN grown so my husband hasn't had anything to do with her in years, and he and I are over here living our best lives. I think about all the things I would have missed out on over the past decade and a half if I'd let something as trivial as an ex-wife run me off.

This woman's boyfriend needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with his ex-wife and establish how things need to go from here on out; if he doesn't I'd suggest the girlfriend leave him, because it won't work if he doesn't give a sh!t how the ex-wife makes her feel. I mean, I'm sure he can figure out how to appropriately (and discretely) co-parent with a woman he no longer loves in order to hold on to the woman he currently loves. It ain't brain surgery.

But the thing is: a lot of men are lazy, and/or they like still being somehow connected to the ex, so they make no effort to straighten things out. Those are no-win situations if you ask me, and any woman trying to have a relationship with a man like that is just wasting her time.
 

els93

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She's only 33 and dating a guy with 3 kids and he's 48? Now I like older men but he seems to come with a lot.

No wonder a lot of men are so smug in the dating market. A lot of them with insane amounts of baggage and nothing to offer other than headaches can get a much younger, independent childless woman.

He would never settle for another women with 3 kids and an ex husband that was that annoying as she claims the mother is.

Women we have to do better.

Maybe if he was late 30s or early 40s with one child... Maybe.. But this man is basically 50.
 

els93

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But the thing is: a lot of men are lazy, and/or they like still being somehow connected to the ex, so they make no effort to straighten things out. Those are no-win situations if you ask me, and any woman trying to have a relationship with a man like that is just wasting her time.

This all day.
 

Fake Francie

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Wonder how old the kids are? He could have several years of child support payments to go. If she continues, and marries him, she will be helping to pay that child support.
 

ICUWatchinMe

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She's only 33 and dating a guy with 3 kids and he's 48? Now I like older men but he seems to come with a lot.

No wonder a lot of men are so smug in the dating market. A lot of them with insane amounts of baggage and nothing to offer other than headaches can get a much younger, independent childless woman.

He would never settle for another women with 3 kids and an ex husband that was that annoying as she claims the mother is.

Women we have to do better.

Maybe if he was late 30s or early 40s with one child... Maybe.. But this man is basically 50.
IDK this sounds like my coworker's situation. His dumb ass is divorced with 3 kids, youngest from that set of kids is 13. He moves here, meets this chick like 13, 14 years younger then him, knocks her up, but she had a whole ass husband at home when she got pregnant by him.

Now, she's giving his ex wife grief even though he and ex wife have to talk because of the kids.
 
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MarcATL

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What's the LSA advice for men with no children dating women with children?
 

Nadia Makita

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Damn, this sounds a lot like the early days of my relationship--the age difference is the same, he had joint custody and was paying alimony and child support, and his ex-wife wasn't working. The only difference is they only had one child, and he and I were already married by the time we were their age.

Long story short, though, the ex-wife hated me and I generally tried to ignore her because I just didn't care about her. I was completely indifferent to her and I think that bothered her most of all. She was a complete non-factor to me, although she tried very hard to be a thorn in our side.

But I applaud my husband for maintaining appropriate boundaries: nothing she did or said affected my life or our relationship because he wouldn't let it.

Speaking from experience: It's this woman's boyfriend's responsibility to set some boundaries, and if he feels she is worth it, he will do so to keep her happy and in his life. Although an ex-wife might seem like a problem in the beginning, in the grand scheme of things she is irrelevant. Kids grow up and spouses fall out of contact. Fifteen years after I first met my husband, his first wife is hundreds if not thousands of miles away, their child has BEEN grown so my husband hasn't had anything to do with her in years, and he and I are over here living our best lives. I think about all the things I would have missed out on over the past decade and a half if I'd let something as trivial as an ex-wife run me off.

This woman's boyfriend needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with his ex-wife and establish how things need to go from here on out; if he doesn't I'd suggest the girlfriend leave him, because it won't work if he doesn't give a sh!t how the ex-wife makes her feel. I mean, I'm sure he can figure out how to appropriately (and discretely) co-parent with a woman he no longer loves in order to hold on to the woman he currently loves. It ain't brain surgery.

But the thing is: a lot of men are lazy, and/or they like still being somehow connected to the ex, so they make no effort to straighten things out. Those are no-win situations if you ask me, and any woman trying to have a relationship with a man like that is just wasting her time.
Your man only had 1 child. Any man with 3 kids and isnt living with them isnt parenting. IDGAF what anyone says.
 

rubyhikesamile

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She's only 33 and dating a guy with 3 kids and he's 48? Now I like older men but he seems to come with a lot.

No wonder a lot of men are so smug in the dating market. A lot of them with insane amounts of baggage and nothing to offer other than headaches can get a much younger, independent childless woman.

He would never settle for another women with 3 kids and an ex husband that was that annoying as she claims the mother is.

Women we have to do better.

Maybe if he was late 30s or early 40s with one child... Maybe.. But this man is basically 50.

She might not have much to offer, hence why she is settling for this guy.
 

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