His ex-wife is constantly texting and calling him about problems with their kids, and I can’t help but feel annoyed.
Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Dear Therapist,
I’ve been dating Adam for two and a half years. I’m 33 and childless, and he’s 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. We seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our relationship.
Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn’t work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every ailment for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids’ main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can “set them straight.” I’m certain that she’s the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never go out of control with Adam, and I’ve only seen them be pleasant.
Every time Adam’s ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I feel and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but it’s really difficult to care for the kids while keeping the ex out because she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I love each other deeply and cherish being in each other’s lives, but a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension between us. I try hard not to feel like a victim in all of this because I understand that it’s my choice to be with him, but I can’t help feeling robbed of something that should be mine. I’m open to any suggestions and perspectives.
Ginger
Rochester, New York
How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Needy Ex-wife? - The Atlantic
Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Dear Therapist,
I’ve been dating Adam for two and a half years. I’m 33 and childless, and he’s 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. We seem to keep having the same fights about his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our relationship.
Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I have a strong distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn’t work, and she collects disability from the government and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every ailment for which she can find a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids’ main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can “set them straight.” I’m certain that she’s the cause of all that chaos, because the kids never go out of control with Adam, and I’ve only seen them be pleasant.
Every time Adam’s ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I feel and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but it’s really difficult to care for the kids while keeping the ex out because she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I love each other deeply and cherish being in each other’s lives, but a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension between us. I try hard not to feel like a victim in all of this because I understand that it’s my choice to be with him, but I can’t help feeling robbed of something that should be mine. I’m open to any suggestions and perspectives.
Ginger
Rochester, New York
How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Needy Ex-wife? - The Atlantic