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domestic violence in lesbian relationships

VioletP

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is domestic violence/emotional abuse like a really big issue in lesbian relationships?
has any of you guys been in one or know someone who has?
are they less likely to leave or talk about it?

and why isn't it being talked about more?

or is it just something straight people bring up as a way to point fingers in order to downplay dv in their own heterosexual relationships?
 
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BlaqHippy

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I used to live next door to an interracial (B/W) couple and we spent many a night listening to them taking turns kicking each other's asses. Through the years I've witnessed teeth being knocked out and a hip replacement on the 29 year old after a rough night, and a broken arm.
 

RoellaP

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It definitely does happen. I’ve never experienced it and I would never hurt my gf. I think part of it is a control thing tho.
 

Bonehilda

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I've lived above and below two Lesbian couples. Both regularly fought and screamed. I actually had to call the police on one couple (I lived above them) because one of the ladies was screaming like she was being killed and it sounded like she was being thrown into the wall. It was 2am in the morning and the day before I had to take the GRE. I will never forget it because I was pissed and they still continued to fight even after the cops came/left.

Conversely, I've lived above and below straight couples that fought/screamed all the time. I called the police then too, and the couples still stayed together. DV is scary.
 

VioletP

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I used to live next door to an interracial (B/W) couple and we spent many a night listening to them taking turns kicking each other's asses. Through the years I've witnessed teeth being knocked out and a hip replacement on the 29 year old after a rough night, and a broken arm.
do you think it was bc they were interracial?
 

VioletP

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I've lived above and below two Lesbian couples. Both regularly fought and screamed. I actually had to call the police on one couple (I lived above them) because one of the ladies was screaming like she was being killed and it sounded like she was being thrown into the wall. It was 2am in the morning and the day before I had to take the GRE. I will never forget it because I was pissed and they still continued to fight even after the cops came/left.

Conversely, I've lived above and below straight couples that fought/screamed all the time. I called the police then too, and the couples still stayed together. DV is scary.
but like...how do two girls fight eachother when they are in love? i get if they hate eachother but if they are laying in the same bed everynight...wow???
 

CurlyBell

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I know of two very dysfunctional lesbian relationships where domestic violence is/was involved. They are younger couples. On the flip side I know several couples who have been together longer than I've been alive and they have beautiful partnerships and families.

I remember a font here mentioning to a bunch of us at the time that her ex- girlfriend shot her in her car. It was a long time ago. I hope she is still very far away from that person.
 

Bonehilda

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but like...how do two girls fight eachother when they are in love? i get if they hate eachother but if they are laying in the same bed everynight...wow???

I don't want to get too graphic, but for the couple that I called the cops on, sometimes they would fight and then I would hear them (loudly) having xes right after. Idk if it was some sort of -thing- for them since it didn't happen after each fight, but there was definitely a pattern.
 

VioletP

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I don't want to get too graphic, but for the couple that I called the cops on, sometimes they would fight and then I would hear them (loudly) having xes right after. Idk if it was some sort of -thing- for them since it didn't happen after each fight, but there was definitely a pattern.
i've noticed lesbians are fuelled on drama
 

icebear

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It definitely happens. My friends gf exposed my friend on her IG by posting explicit pics of her. She also posted a pic of my friend where she had gotten beat up by one of her friends and it made me realize that she’s probably abusive towards her. My friend is still with this girl and is even engaged to her now. I tried encouraging her to file a report for revenge pδrn but people won’t leave toxic relationships until they have enough.
 

ASYMMETRICAL BOB

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take the orientation out of the pic for a sec. These are PEOPLE and people fight and argue regardless of xesual orientation. Two ladies together in a relationship doesn't make the issue any less concerning. I have seen or heard about DV in male-male, male-female, female-female relationships. Less likely to leave or speak up depends on the individual. I know of women who have gotten their asses beat by men but will deny, deny, deny, and I am sure the same goes on in lesbian relationships. I hate these labels, but the femme can abuse another femme or stud and a stud can abuse another stud or femme. Just remember that physical violence isn't the only form of DV. Being controlled, financially abused, humiliated,being locked out of your place, being denied basic needs like food, money, clothing, forcing you to have xes when you don't want to, being stalked (having your partner pop up on you at work to intimidate you), being followed, being yelled at constantly, having your appearance and self esteem constantly attacked, them snapping and having scary episodes around you...all that sh!t is real and is a form of abuse. The worst thing you can do is downplay abuse and stay. Too many people allow themselves to be abused repeatedly. Me personally, I'm out the door at the first sign of ANY type of abuse. No such thing as subtle or not serious abuse in my book. First it's being called a b!tch, then it's me being pushed, then it's me being slapped and choked, no! fµck THAT. Leave!!!! All that "I love you and i'll never do it again sh!t" ain't for me.
 

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is domestic violence/emotional abuse like a really a big issue in lesbian relationships?
has any of you guys been in one or know someone who has?
are they less likely to leave or talk about it?

and why isn't it being talked about more?

or is it just something straight people bring up as a way to point fingers in order to downplay dv in their own heterosexual relationships?

DV in any relationship is serious and is most probably committed for the exact same reasons but I don't think it occurs anywhere near the same rate as other relationships.

I read somewhere that people only extrapolated the high DV incidence rate from a survey that asked lesbians if they have ever suffered DV but this was in the 80s-90s where most women in same-xes relationships would've been with men before.

The fact that nobody has assessed since then kinda lends credibility that the DV rate among lesbians is not only outdated but was most likely conflated with the DV lesbians had before they came out.

As far as emotional abuse, that probably seems more likely among same xes couples. I don't know too many but I would imagine people wouldn't easily be physically abusive to somebody of a similar build. But I'm just guessing.

Like men abuse women at such a huge rate because they know they'll always overpower them, so they treat them like a punching bag.
 

BlaqHippy

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do you think it was bc they were interracial?

Well...
The thing was we shared a wall so we REALLY had an up close look into their lives lol... we heard everything.
They got along fine but they both liked to drink and they were both angry drunks. The yt girl was kinda thuggish and from up north and you could talk to her and kind of tell she grew up around "us" so I don't think it was a cultural difference or anything major like that. I just think they were sloppy and mean drunks.
 

LaDela

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I have a friend who I had to convince, a long time ago, that the fist fights were not normal or healthy. She felt like that since they were both women; they were on even ground. She said that it was not an uncommon thing to see her lesbian friends to go at it, even in front of them. No one, especially your romantic partners should be putting their hands on you....at all. The respect and boundaries have been broken.
 

Preme Team

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Yup
Never went through it.. I remember in college this girl I knew off was getting beat by her Gf, like you can hear that sh!t outside the suite... She still stayed with her
Like someone mentioned, DV in any relationship is serious
 

4themess

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I was watching a video on youtube where one girl said she told her partner straight up she wasn't with the hitting sh!t. I thought to myself is this really something you have to establish in the beginning of the relationship. If she had to say to then it must be an issue in that community. Personally I've been at parties where i see them openly closed fist fight. And i see some that would never hurt a flie.
 

Kkslays0921

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Yes I used to work with a few lesbian couples and those girls used to come to work with scratches and bruises and would kiss and make up the very next day. They would always make threats that they were going to beat each other up the same way you’d see two girls fighting in high school. But then again, I would see straight girls come to work with black eyes and continue to go back to their men and gladly talk about it like it’s jsut okay to get in fights with men. It really seems like a generational thing becaus these people just seem to think it’s okay and normal and nothing to worry about. They all seem to like it, it’s crazy.
 

Selam

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Lesbians stay fighting lmao. I remember my stud manager from an old job years ago came in one day with a big scare under her eye from fighting her GF and the next day her GF came by to pick her up for lunch. I guess it’s normal to her. She told me herself that she beats her GF up.
 

ShipAhoy

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A lot of good points have been brought up in this thread, especially about the prevalence of types of DV beyond the physical, & the lack of current/ longitudinal studies focusing on lesbian relationships.

I personally think the DV rate (all forms) is about the same in LGBT relationships as in heterosexual relationships.

You have the usual suspects of contributing factors but then you add in the greater incidence of societal marginalization, & substance abuse in the LGBT community and welp... if we were at a lower rate that just brought it up to average.

 
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I personally do believe domestic abuse in female same xes relationships is downplayed due to societal expectations and dismissive behavior of women in general. When two women fight, it's not taken nearly as seriously as when two men fight or when a man and woman fight. While charges are often tight and strict with male on male and male on female, charges are often not even brought up when it's female on female. Usually the cops show up, see its two females then pretty much brush it off, and it doesn't help that most would rather not press charges so then the cops really see no point in investigating at all. The same could be said for female on female xesual violence as well.

I also feel that because of societal views on women and our behavior among one another, this behavior in same xes relationships are often seen as normal or even an 'act of love'. There was a time I was on this one forum and this woman said when she got heated with her partner, she would say she hated her or that she was stupid, but her partner knew she obviously didn't mean those things. I replied saying her behavior was verbal and even emotional abuse. The woman tried to make up all kinds of excuses but I insisted her behavior was abusive towards her partner.

The whole 'women are emotional, women get heated easily, can't control their anger' are notions that help normalize unwanted behavior and it's something that needs to stop being dismissed when pertaining to women.
 

MGTiger

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I think black lesbians are the most violent in the LGBT umbrella based on my experiences. They are very jealous, protective, and a whole bunch of other stuff
 

DontWasteTime

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I was crushing on this one Swedish (Jewess) girl who got her ass beat on a daily basis with her now ex (black) girlfriend.

I knew this one Mexican lesbian who was an ex-co worker who admitted to raping women at parties when they were too drunk to move. That's not abuse...but it's something.
 

ChampagneElle

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I think black lesbians are the most violent in the LGBT umbrella based on my experiences. They are very jealous, protective, and a whole bunch of other stuff

I don’t know ... some Latin girls I’ve been with are very territorial and will try to rearrange your life by isolating you. Not all but enough.
 

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