Quantcast
  • Don't post about your friends here. Post issues with your friends on the Front Porch.

UPDATE Fonts of Divorced Parents - Give Me Some Advice Please!

abijean

It's 5:00. Do you know who/where your THUN is?
BANNED
Joined
Sep 3, 2016
Messages
15,405
Reaction score
Reactions
101,499 2,740 1,837
114,835
Alleybux
0
I don't think OP's intentions are sincere either. This post is giving the impression that she's trying to date or f*** the dad, hence the unnecessary superhero and sleuthing activity. Maybe she thinks that if she makes nice with the girls, she'll complete step 1 of becoming the beloved stepmom in the future. I don't think OP is as obtuse about divorced family dynamics as she's portraying in this thread.
Yup.
 

gunther85

Team Owner
Joined
Oct 7, 2014
Messages
5,951
Reaction score
Reactions
73,435 1,764 887
79,120
Alleybux
396,001
I'm late to this, but many have already said that you should definitely NOT get involved, no matter your intentions. As easy as it was for you to find them, so too could their FATHER if he were so inclined. When parents are estranged from their children, I fully believe that it is the parent's responsibility to try, try, try, and try some more if they are serious about repairing the relationship. If you give his children his phone number, it still puts the onus on THEM to reach out to him, which is the wrong way around.
 

abijean

It's 5:00. Do you know who/where your THUN is?
BANNED
Joined
Sep 3, 2016
Messages
15,405
Reaction score
Reactions
101,499 2,740 1,837
114,835
Alleybux
0
if a man who i met in line at a buffet could find me after he moved to the other side of the world, speaking no types of English and not even knowing my last name, this man could've found and communicated with his kids a long time ago.

I got a random letter to my job...from a felon behind bars. Someone who wants to find someone usually will.
 

Jazlyn

Team Owner
Joined
Mar 5, 2007
Messages
10,437
Reaction score
Reactions
76,963 1,785 973
79,467
Alleybux
690,120
Sorry but this is a case of if he wanted to he would have. If there was a visitation order in place he can call law enforcement and report her. HE is the parent HE needs to do the work. People wanna talk about how it costs too much money for a lawyer. It costs nothing for you to contact a court of law about a legally binding visitation order and to know what your options are.

A guy I used to date used to rant and rave about how his BM kept him from his kid. I got tired of hearing it and told him to just call her. And she picked up and was so calm and collected. She said she didn't mind him having a relationship with his child and was hoping he would call one day. So this "crazy chick" who kept him from his kid wasn't so crazy. She just adapted to his absence and found someone else. I was so tuned off and left him. Grow some balls and do better.
 

Digging4gold

General Manager
Joined
Nov 19, 2016
Messages
3,391
Reaction score
Reactions
23,363 1,406 620
23,529
Alleybux
424,321
TLDR
My family friend has been desperately trying to reconnect with his 3 girls after a bitter divorce in the 90s. He told me he had an old number for the eldest girl and texts her every year on her birthday. He gets no response.

I found all three girls on Facebook. Should I reach out and give them their fathers number?

I’m trying to be considerate of feelings and don’t expect a Disney style reunion, but I feel like it’s a shot worth taking.

Should I do it? Help me understand the child’s perspective.


FULL POST
A very close family friend ( we’ll call him
Jason) went though a bitter divorce in the mid 90s. The ex-wife used the children as leveraging tokens and told them horrible lies about their father ( Jason) in order for them not to want to spend time with him after the divorce was finalized.

He spent a lot of time and money in the courts to get visitation and block her from hiding them. He got regular visitation for a few years then it fizzled out as the ex-wife kept restricting access and she moved the kids across the country when she got re- married.

Eventually he lost contact All this was before the internet so it wasn’t as easy to find people.

While they were still married Jason had a VERY VERY close relationship with all three girls. He’s told me HUNDREDS of stories over the years about them and I can tell he is heart broken to lose touch.

He has an old number for his oldest girl and text/ calls her every year on her birthday with no response.

He’s not on social media but I got some basic information from him and found all three girls on Facebook.

Should I reach out to them just to give them the fathers number? I don’t want to force anything, or be inconsiderate. Jason has been hurting for years and if I could, I’d love to open up a channel of communication.

Should I do it? Help me understand the perspective from the child’s side.

How would you feel if someone reached out to you with your fathers number and told you he’s been desperate to reconnect?

Thanks y’all!
Tell the father that you found his daughters on Facebook, he should create an account and reach out to them! Don't be the go between.
 

Incokneegrow

<span style="font-weight:bold; font-style:italic;
Joined
Mar 16, 2011
Messages
67,152
Reaction score
Reactions
525,845 16,847 5,593
590,473
Alleybux
565,903
Lol we love coddling grown ass black men. Im disgusted at you for even entertaining this idea op. Its fµck!ng ridiculous. Parents who truly love their kids will do anything to stay in their life
 
Last edited:

reinforcement

Quiet, Humble Older Woman.
OLDHEAD
Joined
Dec 7, 2003
Messages
12,834
Reaction score
Reactions
33,585 804 209
34,781
Alleybux
527,346
Were you there to witness everything that led to the breakdown of their family unit? No, you weren't? Then, it's best to mind your business.
 

Moretacos

I’m in it for the long game.
Joined
Dec 26, 2017
Messages
117
Reaction score
Reactions
665 13 1
698
Alleybux
500
Shameful. If he was paying alimony and CS, a lawyer could also locate the girls. It wouldn’t take any real time or effort.
 

Jazlyn

Team Owner
Joined
Mar 5, 2007
Messages
10,437
Reaction score
Reactions
76,963 1,785 973
79,467
Alleybux
690,120
He has an old number for his oldest girl and text/ calls her every year on her birthday with no response.
This is bare minimum effort from a lazy man. Calls once a year on her birthday? I wouldn’t answer either. He should be reaching out and asking her if she needs anything. Sending her money sending her letters, and asking about her life. Weird that he thinks this is even close to making an effort.

He “lost contact” with a woman he was married to? He “lost contact” with his own kids? This is not an old college buddy from the 90s. This is his family. See it for what it is.
 

Juicy Judy

Team Owner
Joined
Feb 8, 2018
Messages
5,378
Reaction score
Reactions
33,431 1,296 1,210
34,587
Alleybux
12,848
TLDR
My family friend has been desperately trying to reconnect with his 3 girls after a bitter divorce in the 90s. He told me he had an old number for the eldest girl and texts her every year on her birthday. He gets no response.

I found all three girls on Facebook. Should I reach out and give them their fathers number?

I’m trying to be considerate of feelings and don’t expect a Disney style reunion, but I feel like it’s a shot worth taking.

Should I do it? Help me understand the child’s perspective.


FULL POST
A very close family friend ( we’ll call him
Jason) went though a bitter divorce in the mid 90s. The ex-wife used the children as leveraging tokens and told them horrible lies about their father ( Jason) in order for them not to want to spend time with him after the divorce was finalized.

He spent a lot of time and money in the courts to get visitation and block her from hiding them. He got regular visitation for a few years then it fizzled out as the ex-wife kept restricting access and she moved the kids across the country when she got re- married.

Eventually he lost contact All this was before the internet so it wasn’t as easy to find people.

While they were still married Jason had a VERY VERY close relationship with all three girls. He’s told me HUNDREDS of stories over the years about them and I can tell he is heart broken to lose touch.

He has an old number for his oldest girl and text/ calls her every year on her birthday with no response.

He’s not on social media but I got some basic information from him and found all three girls on Facebook.

Should I reach out to them just to give them the fathers number? I don’t want to force anything, or be inconsiderate. Jason has been hurting for years and if I could, I’d love to open up a channel of communication.

Should I do it? Help me understand the perspective from the child’s side.

How would you feel if someone reached out to you with your fathers number and told you he’s been desperate to reconnect?

Thanks y’all!
Thats the fathers job to reach out, not yours.
 

kryptkeeper

General Manager
Joined
Mar 17, 2020
Messages
1,485
Reaction score
Reactions
11,476 504 338
12,613
Alleybux
213,119
I really hope everyone in here with unresolved family traumas are working through them.
My dad lived 5 minutes away from me and we didn't find out until he passed away. If someone doesn't want to be found, they don't want to be found.
OP, I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing! Good luck to him and I hope he's able to rebuild the relationships.
 
Last edited:

Noni Jean

Team Owner
Joined
Nov 6, 2017
Messages
6,717
Reaction score
Reactions
39,729 552 62
43,806
Alleybux
556,834
Edit: I see the update that he made a FB profile and reached out to them. I’m glad HE took that step.

Keep us posted OP! Although I’m skeptical this will have a happy ending, I truly hope it does.
 
Last edited:

willijas02

General Manager
Joined
Mar 15, 2017
Messages
3,542
Reaction score
Reactions
49,964 1,687 786
55,824
Alleybux
64,540
Not trying to be cynical, but there is a reason they don’t talk to him. I haven’t spoken to or visited my father in a few years and it’s because he was a lying, toxic narc. Narcs have outsiders believing that they are good, kind hearted people with few flaws, but behind closed doors that treat their families like crap.
 

Darlinnic

MVP
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
615
Reaction score
Reactions
2,048 150 30
3,280
Alleybux
9,086
Life is short

I would tell him I found his children and help him create a Facebook accounts. Don’t listen to these wounded people on here. These children have another living parent..they should know and make their own decisions
 

CuntyBunny

General Manager
Joined
Feb 9, 2018
Messages
3,160
Reaction score
Reactions
49,859 1,085 738
59,717
Alleybux
4,044
Not trying to be cynical, but there is a reason they don’t talk to him. I haven’t spoken to or visited my father in a few years and it’s because he was a lying, toxic narc. Narcs have outsiders believing that they are good, kind hearted people with few flaws, but behind closed doors that treat their families like crap.
My bed - My notifications have been fµcked up.
He made a profile and sent them a message. Nothing back yet
 

Shaftyqueen

Starter
Joined
Jan 23, 2018
Messages
300
Reaction score
Reactions
1,901 46 16
2,021
Alleybux
0
I agree that you could reach out to offer a safe place for them to know how to connect with their Dad. You could also offer to give their Dad any contact information that they would want him to have, BUT you need to be absolutely certain that you know who/ what you are dealing with, and not sure that is an easy task. Best to you with this as i know it is coming from a good place!
 

Mockingbird

Team Owner
Joined
Jul 11, 2011
Messages
5,174
Reaction score
Reactions
18,017 792 481
19,381
Alleybux
360,607
I see he made an account but at the time when he said he "Doesn't want social media" people that say they don't have or want social media usually have something to hide (or a weirdo. Or they do have one that they use to lurk and tell people they don't have one)
 

boredom101

Starter
Joined
Mar 14, 2018
Messages
204
Reaction score
Reactions
828 38 23
881
Alleybux
32,471
TLDR
My family friend has been desperately trying to reconnect with his 3 girls after a bitter divorce in the 90s. He told me he had an old number for the eldest girl and texts her every year on her birthday. He gets no response.

I found all three girls on Facebook. Should I reach out and give them their fathers number?

I’m trying to be considerate of feelings and don’t expect a Disney style reunion, but I feel like it’s a shot worth taking.

Should I do it? Help me understand the child’s perspective.


FULL POST
A very close family friend ( we’ll call him
Jason) went though a bitter divorce in the mid 90s. The ex-wife used the children as leveraging tokens and told them horrible lies about their father ( Jason) in order for them not to want to spend time with him after the divorce was finalized.

He spent a lot of time and money in the courts to get visitation and block her from hiding them. He got regular visitation for a few years then it fizzled out as the ex-wife kept restricting access and she moved the kids across the country when she got re- married.

Eventually he lost contact All this was before the internet so it wasn’t as easy to find people.

While they were still married Jason had a VERY VERY close relationship with all three girls. He’s told me HUNDREDS of stories over the years about them and I can tell he is heart broken to lose touch.

He has an old number for his oldest girl and text/ calls her every year on her birthday with no response.

He’s not on social media but I got some basic information from him and found all three girls on Facebook.

Should I reach out to them just to give them the fathers number? I don’t want to force anything, or be inconsiderate. Jason has been hurting for years and if I could, I’d love to open up a channel of communication.

Should I do it? Help me understand the perspective from the child’s side.

How would you feel if someone reached out to you with your fathers number and told you he’s been desperate to reconnect?

Thanks y’all!


ETA: he made a profile and sent them a message. No responses yet.
Tell him to show up to their house
 

freedreamz

go touch grass
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
274
Reaction score
Reactions
1,261 46 14
2,013
Alleybux
12,103
ion everyone thinks my dad is this guy bc he tells his stories like this of our childhood but he’s actually a neurotic ex marine that brings up random tidbits of our childhood to make himself look like dad of the year but his insane republican-esque “pull yourself up by the bootstrap” parenting technique keeps us away. my dad isn’t a super bad guy but his parenting style didn’t work for us and didn’t mix well w 4 anxious daughters.

You wouldn’t be able to tell though bc he’s a nice guy and is great with other people’s kids/sons bc he’s not around them too long lol.

TLDR it’s possible that your friend is a great dad but if you don’t know the kids or how the mama raised them it can be possible the kids want nothing to do w him. I wouldn’t come in between just help him make a fb and reach out to them himself so you’re not held responsible for anything.
 

EmeraldStar

General Manager
Joined
May 22, 2013
Messages
1,415
Reaction score
Reactions
15,671 612 77
17,670
Alleybux
20,990
Who ARE you though? Like if a random person messaged me on Facebook and said

‘hi, you don’t know me but I’m a friend of your dads and he wanted me to give you his number’ or some bs like that I would curse you out sooo bad! You’re a STRANGER...these are his children and that is HIS responsibility to build and bond and apologize for not being in their life for the last 30 some odd years..why the hell should the children reach out to him?

That’s men’s problem now, some woman always trying to justify and clean up their mess, and make excuses for them. ‘he says he doesn’t want social media’ is an excuse. And idk why you feel any type of sympathy for this grown ass man who still chose not to build a relationship with his daughters AFTER they were grown.

That’s just weird to me that you even think it’s appropriate to reach out to these woman..that you don’t even know!
He clearly doesn’t really want a relationship with them, Bc if he did he would have one by now, sh!t it’s been 30+ years

leave them damn woman alone
@Justice 4 ALL

I’m curious to know what you think I said wrong? No press, I’m just curious on your view point. Apologies if you already replied to the thread. I missed it
not trying to derail!!
 

Bonehilda

Team Owner
Joined
Jul 27, 2016
Messages
7,348
Reaction score
Reactions
77,016 4,095 95
87,464
Alleybux
85,500
These women are in their 30s-40s. He could have and should have fought to be in their lives. If that didn't work out, he could have reached out to each of them as they reached adulthood and fought to establish a relationship. I would be annoyed if a man I hadn't heard from in 25+ years had a woman I didn't know contact me to reach out to me. I would block and move on. He has missed pretty much every major milestone: prom, HS graduations, college graduations, weddings, kids, etc.

The fact that he has the oldest daughter's phone number and hasn't even used that as a way to connect and meet up with the younger two tells me all I need to know.
 

Jazlyn

Team Owner
Joined
Mar 5, 2007
Messages
10,437
Reaction score
Reactions
76,963 1,785 973
79,467
Alleybux
690,120
ion everyone thinks my dad is this guy bc he tells his stories like this of our childhood but he’s actually a neurotic ex marine that brings up random tidbits of our childhood to make himself look like dad of the year but his insane republican-esque “pull yourself up by the bootstrap” parenting technique keeps us away. my dad isn’t a super bad guy but his parenting style didn’t work for us and didn’t mix well w 4 anxious daughters.

You wouldn’t be able to tell though bc he’s a nice guy and is great with other people’s kids/sons bc he’s not around them too long lol.

TLDR it’s possible that your friend is a great dad but if you don’t know the kids or how the mama raised them it can be possible the kids want nothing to do w him. I wouldn’t come in between just help him make a fb and reach out to them himself so you’re not held responsible for anything.
Wow thanks for sharing. A lot of these men come off as stand up guys. But they have a whole story fabricated about how they are great parents. There are bitter baby mamas out there but the majority of narratives out there are false.
 

Livelearnlove19

General Manager
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
1,412
Reaction score
Reactions
6,510 329 167
7,245
Alleybux
108,188
Why doesn’t he just make a Facebook and contact her?

Also, I don’t understand the blocking visitation from the mother. If there was a court order, he should’ve called the cops on her and saw his kids.
Let me reassure you that respectable fathers have it tough in family courts. If the mother violates custody rights, she's called into court and asked why? That's about it. She's not arrested ( because the courts say she has kids at home), custody isnt immediately revoked, monetary fines arent implemented.

My brother has been going through this and it's tough to watch. But if she left the state without his consent then that's a different story.

Did she keep him on child support after she left and remarried?
 

The Super

Thurgood Stubbs
Joined
May 1, 2012
Messages
3,756
Reaction score
Reactions
22,724 618 146
28,928
Alleybux
63,660
Last b!tch who told me to contact my dad got cursed out and blocked. He told her a sob story neglecting to leave out all the abuse endured at his hand. But this ain't my dad so what could go wrong?

And honestly, if they didn't answer him, why would they answer you?
 
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
954
Reaction score
Reactions
14,156 472 66
14,145
Alleybux
347,706
Absent parents always have all the excuses in the world and a lack of courage to reach out and face the music. Imagine that instead of children, they were a winning million dollar ticket that this man purchased with his former wife. In what universe would a man (or anyone for that matter) not pursue the money using the courts and all legal tools available to him to see it through? It's bµllsh!t.

Let's go ahead with the story that the mother was preventing him from seeing his daughters (which I don't buy since his eldest daughter was already 18!). If that was the case, he still didn't fight for them and hasn't put any effort to communicate with his daughters as grown adult women in these 30 years.

Stay out of it OP and I too don't trust your motives on this.
 

EmeraldStar

General Manager
Joined
May 22, 2013
Messages
1,415
Reaction score
Reactions
15,671 612 77
17,670
Alleybux
20,990
Absent parents always have all the excuses in the world and a lack of courage to reach out and face the music. Imagine that instead of children, they were a winning million dollar ticket that this man purchased with his former wife. In what universe would a man (or anyone for that matter) not pursue the money using the courts and all legal tools available to him to see it through? It's bµllsh!t.

Let's go ahead with the story that the mother was preventing him from seeing his daughters (which I don't buy since his eldest daughter was already 18!). If that was the case, he still didn't fight for them and hasn't put any effort to communicate with his daughters as grown adult women in these 30 years.

Stay out of it OP and I too don't trust your motives on this.
You said a mouth full!!!
If they were money he damn sure would’ve fought! And that’s a fact, a terrible one at that..you think he’d have someone else reaching out to get that million dollars?! Hell no! He’d have a Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram AND MySpace trying to get in touch for the money! PI out in the former wife, and in court faithfully every damn court date! I’m almost positive he’d pop up at the ex wife’s house for that money a few times too!

terrible excuse...‘I don’t want social media’..lol this just annoyed me all over again
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,497 494,984 222,872
2,889,415
Alleybux
667,824
Yes. I think that you just let them know that their father is trying to get in contact with them.

I know that every situation is different but
My parents broke up and my dad thought that I didn’t love him anymore and I thought that he didn’t love me anymore and it was the farthest thing from the truth.

He called me out of the blue after years of being away from him. He my number from someone and I am so thankful that he did. We were able to talk to each other and correct the misinformation that each one of us had about the other.

I can’t image with him being dead now how I would have felt if we never were able to talk with one another.
Your dad stayed away because he thought HIS CHILD didn't love him? His response was to abandon you instead of try to fix it. So instead of owning up to his own actions when y'all reconnected he partially placed the blame on his child? K.
 

FireHippy

General Manager
Joined
Nov 15, 2020
Messages
2,588
Reaction score
Reactions
35,481 2,310 1,333
35,317
Alleybux
700,036
Urrrrrmmm so he been missing them since the 90s and “couldn’t find them” but you found them it sounds like in less than a month?

So when you say he’s been missing them, you mean he sits somewhere and just thought about them instead of actually looking for them?
 

Tiffanyj

Starter
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
143
Reaction score
Reactions
609 11
760
Alleybux
36,810
Your dad stayed away because he thought HIS CHILD didn't love him? His response was to abandon you instead of try to fix it. So instead of owning up to his own actions when y'all reconnected he partially placed the blame on his child? K
 
Last edited:

Tiffanyj

Starter
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
143
Reaction score
Reactions
609 11
760
Alleybux
36,810
There were things going on that he was ashamed of that I did not mention. He was a drug addict. He thought that I was holding it against him. I wasn’t. He assumed I was holding a grudge against him. He wasn’t a bad father. He just had demons. He also thought that my mom had turned me against him which was not true. He thought our lives would be better without him and that is why he left. I thought he didn’t love me but it wasn’t that.

Like I stated. I’m glad that he called me, asked for forgiveness and we got an understanding before he died.

Sorry if that is something that you don’t understand but it’s not for you to understand.
I was able to make peace with my father before he left this world and that is what matters.
 

Danni Archer

Team Owner
Joined
May 29, 2016
Messages
9,677
Reaction score
Reactions
55,822 1,512 957
61,371
Alleybux
6,900
Urrrrrmmm so he been missing them since the 90s and “couldn’t find them” but you found them it sounds like in less than a month?

So when you say he’s been missing them, you mean he sits somewhere and just thought about them instead of actually looking for them?
Idk why that is tickling meeee! Lol

as far as the update... good. I hope they never respond and he’s left on read, if they see his message at all.
 

Similar Threads

The Culture

News Alley

Ask LSA

Top Bottom