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Friend Goes Silent On Me

keepitlow

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I know you feel as if my post came off as projecting; but as I read through you other responses here I bolded all of the things you said that parallel the experience I described.


Even if she did initiate contact a few times, based upon what I read here- you are still doing a lot for someone who at best: initiated contact a few times.

What did she message you when she returned to your life? A quick question about something? Was she telling you she missed you and wanted to see you immediately?

Which brings me back to my original analogy of tennis- even if someone served you a few times, how many balls would you continue to keep lobbing in their direction if they weren’t returning your hits?


Does sharing a new song really warrant a text back?


What if she hated the song?


You seem to really have an expectation that someone you have known 2 years is gonna put you in the same category of importance as her boyfriend?

Her man?

Most people want to be with their man more than anyone so being like: “Well she had all the time for her boyfriend, but it seems like she doesn’t have time for me” is a bizarre train of thought.

Have you ever been to her home?

More projecting. Yes I've been to her home twice. Both times she initiated. However pre covid I didn't like going there because she lives outside the city, it's a 2 hour journey.

I think you had an annoying experience with someone and you're trying to pin it on me. I can't relate to what you've described.
 

madamelakam

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Exactly. Nothing gets resolved, but you might wind up even angrier and more upset than the other person. Sometimes you gotta play the game. People claim to love keeping it real but when you get real and direct, it’s uncomfortable. Basically people are fake and to keep your sanity you need to stay stoic or be just as superficial.

Whew this is the ONE! I been there & done that one too many times. People love to say it’s immature to walk away or ghost to preserve your energy but never take into account how manipulative people are when a conversation/confrontation arises. A lot of people refuse to take accountability.

Plus. I’m a firm believer in I’m not going to let people show me over & over again they don’t like or mess with me like that especially when I’ve done nothing to them to be treated with disrespect.
 

keepitlow

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OP I feel your pain and have experienced something similar with someone that I have had a friendship with for 20 plus years. After many months of feeling a way about the situation, I had to learn to grieve what was once our relationship in order to embrace what we currently have now. It hurt, because of our past interactions, my expectations of what a friendship with her should look like are very high. Even though I wasn't entirely happy with they way my friend would just go silent on me during crucial times, I decided that my options were to cut communication with her completely or to just accept her where she was at in our friendship. I did the latter, but I don't consider her as close a friend as I did previously. If she wants to reach out to me fine, if not that's fine as well. Once I removed the ideals of what I felt like should be happening with us, I was able to heal and accept it.

I had a similar situation as well with a family member. I actually confronted the person about my feelings (more than one time) and the last time I broke down in tears about my feelings (still nothing changed).

So I realized for my own sanity and peace of mind, I had to accept the relationship for what it was. I had to accept that I could not make this person treat me with respect and the relationship would never be the way I wanted it.

Instead of cutting them off, I just accepted the relationship for what it was and I let go any resentment or expectations that I had. If they reach out, they reach out and if they give something, they give something and if they don't, then they don't

I don't have any hurt feelings or hold any animosity about it like once before.

I dont have any expectations from that person but I also dont feel the need to communicate or maintain a relationship (like I did before).

Sometimes its best to distance or cut people off to maintain your own happiness.

I can relate to these posts.

I think I just had high expectations of what our friendship should be. Especially as last year we seemed to be getting really close. We hung out more, i went to her house, we went to a music festival and she even had a picture of us as her profile picture.

But over time I'm seeing that the friend I thought she would be is only fantasy. And I have to let that go.

Now it's slipping into acquaintance territory. We won't be talking every week or going on adventures overseas. We won't share intimate secrets. When she hears some exciting news I won't be on the list of people she calls.

Now it's in my face I can accept it. I'll just give her the same energy she gives me. It sucks but that's life. Not everyone will see you like you see them. :(
 

realtalk92

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Whew this is the ONE! I been there & done that one too many times. People love to say it’s immature to walk away or ghost to preserve your energy but never take into account how manipulative people are when a conversation/confrontation arises. A lot of people refuse to take accountability.

Plus. I’m a firm believer in I’m not going to let people show me over & over again they don’t like or mess with me like that especially when I’ve done nothing to them to be treated with disrespect.

Excellent Point!

Not ALL confrontation is good or necessary ALL the time.

Walking away or ghosting doesn't make you a weak person. It takes a lot of strength to walk away and let go.

On the other hand, sometimes confrontation indirectly gives the other person the upper-hand.

Don't give that sh!tty person the satisfaction of letting them know they hurt you (that is their goal) so why give them that satisfaction? Everybody doesn't have to see you sweat.

If a stranger/ acquaintance has already given you signs, red flags and clues that show that they don't respect or value you as a person.....why do you need to confront them about it?

Family you should confront because that is your family... husband, wife, spouse, partner, you obviously should confront.... a close friend or best friend yea confront them (these are relationships of high value and importance)........ but a complete stranger and acquaintance???? You don't need to always confront them if their actions already show that they are not a good person.


When you ghost and walk away (in some situations) that gives YOU the upperhand and TRUST me...they will know why and it will make them think about THEIR actions toward you.
 

realtalk92

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I can relate to these posts.

I think I just had high expectations of what our friendship should be. Especially as last year we seemed to be getting really close. We hung out more, i went to her house, we went to a music festival and she even had a picture of us as her profile picture.

But over time I'm seeing that the friend I thought she would be is only fantasy. And I have to let that go.

Now it's slipping into acquaintance territory. We won't be talking every week or going on adventures overseas. We won't share intimate secrets. When she hears some exciting news I won't be on the list of people she calls.

Now it's in my face I can accept it. I'll just give her the same energy she gives me. It sucks but that's life. Not everyone will see you like you see them. :(


You will meet friends that will respect you and value you as a person. Real geniune friendship takes time. You first have to build that confidence and inner happiness within yourself. If people can't respect you then they are not worth your time and friendship. You have to look at yourself as worthy of the same love that you want from others. You have to develop that love within yourself first.
 

Marijae

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Ditch her OP. she doesn’t deserve your friendship if she doesn’t answer to something SERIOUS.
I had a friend like this, she was like a little sister. We were really close but she chose to not give me a call she told me she would when my dad got sick. I confronted her about it, had people I didn’t expect really be there for me (people I barely knew) so to me it wasn’t normal that she wouldn’t do better. She said she had an issue with her phone but also admitted she could have found a way and was sorry she didn’t try enough. I said, ok, bye. Never talked to her ever again. And we were close.
If you’re not here in critical moments, I don’t need you.
 

madamelakam

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Excellent Point!

Not ALL confrontation is good or necessary ALL the time.

Walking away or ghosting doesn't make you a weak person. It takes a lot of strength to walk away and let go.

On the other hand, sometimes confrontation indirectly gives the other person the upper-hand.

Don't give that sh!tty person the satisfaction of letting them know they hurt you (that is their goal) so why give them that satisfaction? Everybody doesn't have to see you sweat.

If a stranger/ acquaintance has already given you signs, red flags and clues that show that they don't respect or value you as a person.....why do you need to confront them about it?

Family you should confront because that is your family... husband, wife, spouse, partner, you obviously should confront.... a close friend or best friend yea confront them (these are relationships of high value and importance)........ but a complete stranger and acquaintance???? You don't need to always confront them if their actions already show that they are not a good person.


When you ghost and walk away (in some situations) that gives YOU the upperhand and TRUST me...they will know why and it will make them think about THEIR actions toward you.

Thank you! I’m so glad this is understood because people swear walking away or ghosting makes you weak. Everything is circumstantial.

People also love to flip the script and lie too.

Sometimes walking away quietly is the best thing you can do. Even in extreme instances dealing with family & friends it may to be done, or at least distance. Most people won’t be honest about their dislike, jealousy, envy, carelessness for you, etc.

Again, we have to go by actions. If somebody is shading you, ignoring you, etc for no reason, keep it moving.

We have to start being honest about the world we’re living in and the people in it.
 

keepitlow

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@DrippingCrystal @madamelakam

I think when it comes to confrontation you should treat it like a wedding. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

I notice that if I wait to bring things up people will forget what really happened, gaslight and pretend it's all in my head or I'm too emotional, act like it wasn't a deal, or promise not to do it again, but then they do it again.

If you confront them immediately then they can't escape. Some people are immature and say "I don't want to talk about this right now" but you have to force them in the moment if its a big issue, otherwise they will keep pushing your boundaries and disrespecting you.

A lot of the time it's not necessary to confront someone. You gain nothing as most people are not honest. Usually when you are too direct people run away, or they become extremely emotional or angry as a defence mechanism because they are not used to getting called out on their bµllsh!t.

If someone doesn't treat me properly usually I just keep it moving. And when they come back and try to laugh and joke with me I keep it short and serious.
 

realtalk92

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@DrippingCrystal @madamelakam

I think when it comes to confrontation you should treat it like a wedding. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

I notice that if I wait to bring things up people will forget what really happened, gaslight and pretend it's all in my head or I'm too emotional, act like it wasn't a deal, or promise not to do it again, but then they do it again.

If you confront them immediately then they can't escape. Some people are immature and say "I don't want to talk about this right now" but you have to force them in the moment if its a big issue, otherwise they will keep pushing your boundaries and disrespecting you.

A lot of the time it's not necessary to confront someone. You gain nothing as most people are not honest. Usually when you are too direct people run away, or they become extremely emotional or angry as a defence mechanism because they are not used to getting called out on their bµllsh!t.

If someone doesn't treat me properly usually I just keep it moving. And when they come back and try to laugh and joke with me I keep it short and serious.

I agree, when someone makes you uncomfortable or crosses a boundary you should confront them right then and there but some people have trouble with being direct.

Confrontation is not a bad thing because sometimes it IS necessary but its good to have a healthy outlook on confrontation.

You have to know when its necessary to confront and when its necessary to simply take the high road and walk away.

I am a firm believer in Karma anyway that is why I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated (obviously no one is perfect but just saying)
 

Mz. Judgement

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It's hard to find good real people because most people aren't good people. I feel for you op but it's time to move on from this girl. She couldn't even text a simple reply to you regarding your medical diagnoses. That's shows how little she cares for you.
 

FlexLuthor

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More projecting. Yes I've been to her home twice. Both times she initiated. However pre covid I didn't like going there because she lives outside the city, it's a 2 hour journey.

I think you had an annoying experience with someone and you're trying to pin it on me. I can't relate to what you've described.


That’s totally fair. And I absolutely did. However, there are some fonts that grasp the many variables that come with friendship and they explained their perspectives in cohesive ways:

Sometimes the person can be going through something, sometimes what you are bringing up in conversation triggers these things, perhaps they have made a conscious effort to focus on their romantic relationship, family, job, business, personal goals or growth. And that also doesn’t necessarily warrant an explanation.


Do they reply to your missed text or call and explain that they will be unavailable for a period of time and they would reach out when they were ready?


What if 3 months passed, and you didn’t hear from them- would you follow up and check in?

It sounds like you might. And then they may have to explain again they are still doing their thing.

People are exceedingly moody, have a ton of distractions as well as just life happening every minute of every day.

The point is, you should be a reflection back to the people in your life.

Match the energy you are shown and adjust the expectations that even if you want to be or ARE a good friend to someone, they may not be that to you.


Beyond the depression, it’s obvious her communication style is not on the same level as yours and you would be less hurt if you accepted that and responded in kind.


If you want companionship and unquestioned loyalty. Get a pet. Preferably a dog. Dogs are always happy to see you.


Go to work and come home? Happy af.

Go to the store and come home? Happy af

Go to the trash bin and come back? Happy af.

Wanna watch a movie puppy? Yes.

Wanna go for a walk? Yes.

Wanna go for a drive? Yes.


Wanna cuddles? Yes.


You will never be disappointed. People will disappoint you. (So will cats)



And yes- she should have sent you some well wishes. But would you feel better if she was like: I’m sorry to hear that and hope you feel better and regain your health. *Prayer hands* and left it at that?

And then you hear nothing else for months again?

I wouldn’t have told her tbh.
 
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rayaee

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Thanks for all the responses everyone. You gave me a lot to consider. Maybe I feel much closer to her than she does to me. I just thought I found someone I really connected with. It's hard to find good friendships in the world.

I don't think it's worth directly confronting her, I will just leave it alone. I won't message her any further.

If/when she gets back to me, would it be passive aggressive or childish of me not to respond at all to her message and treat her in the same manner she treats me? Or maybe if she responds then I will confront her about her strange communication strange?
KEEP HER SAME ENERGY. Leave her on read status or you could block her now cause that ain't no friend
 

Lotti++

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I resonate with the OP too much, it’s scary. I’m currently in the middle of this type of situation with a close friend, and honestly a few others too, and I’ve admittedly pulled back significantly since corona happened.

It shouldn’t be pulling teeth to communicate decently/semi-consistently, especially when people love to claim they’re lonely or want real friends but can’t text back. I match their energy, if not just completely detach, but it feels crazy? It feels like I’m going backwards, that I will never find a friend that wants the same/similar things out of a friendship.

It sounds like most of you that posted at least have a mature way of handling these weird types of “friendships” - I’d rather people be direct and say ‘this ain’t it’ or ghost and stay gone then string me along or gaslight.
 

keepitlow

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I resonate with the OP too much, it’s scary. I’m currently in the middle of this type of situation with a close friend, and honestly a few others too, and I’ve admittedly pulled back significantly since corona happened.

It shouldn’t be pulling teeth to communicate decently/semi-consistently, especially when people love to claim they’re lonely or want real friends but can’t text back. I match their energy, if not just completely detach, but it feels crazy? It feels like I’m going backwards, that I will never find a friend that wants the same/similar things out of a friendship.

It sounds like most of you that posted at least have a mature way of handling these weird types of “friendships” - I’d rather people be direct and say ‘this ain’t it’ or ghost and stay gone then string me along or gaslight.

Yeah it's so sad people can't just be honest. The last time she ghosted me she was still posting on social media and meeting her other friends. But she returned weeks later and said she was going through her depression, I tried to be understanding but it's like her depression only affects speaking to me and nobody else. Everyone seems to say they have anxiety or depression when they don't wanna talk to me, i have mental health issues too but it doesn't stop me from communicating!

It's good you had the courage to walk away. I don't want to change my personality and start acting the same way these bad friends behave by ignoring messages. But if you give too much of yourself they take it for granted. I'm so glad I never told her what was in my head, before I was thinking she's the friend I always dreamed of having, she matched the personality. But in my head that friend liked talking to me a lot and didn't ignore my messages.

I think people like us have to work more on finding inner peace and contentment within. That way whether these so called friends come and go we will always be happy.
 

Bella8933

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I've got a friend who I've known for 2 years. We met at a music concert and share similar interests.

We don't hang out too often, but we message each other a lot, and make time to see each other every few months.

I really like her as a person and she shows me genuine love and interest.

Only problem is she has a habit of going silent on me. What I mean by that is we tend to speak to each other in waves. We talk a lot for a couple of weeks then it's kind of silent for a month or two, then we will speak a lot again. I have n problem with this as we both lead separate lives and I like my space as much as the next person.

But sometimes if I message her something, even if it's important she will just leave me on read for weeks, even if I follow up.

Last week I told her about a serious health condition I had been diagnosed with and she left me on read and still hasn't responded. It makes me feel weird. There was a period where she wasn't responding to me at all and wouldn't answer my calls. Weeks later she told me she had depression.

I can understand if someone goes through bouts of depression and anxiety, but she is always posting status updates. She's with her boyfriend and other friendship group having fun.

It kind of makes me feel like she just gets tired of me and stops responding until she feels guilty enough to speak again. Like i said i don't need to speak to her every week as we have our own lives, but at least reapond to my message. Just say you are busy but will get back to me later.

It also messes with my emotions as I like her a lot as a friend, but I have to reel in my emotions for her when she does this. But then when she returns weeks later she will message me a lot and before covid she would want to meet up. So my emotions would be fired up again after mentally detaching myself from her.

I never wanted to bring up her behaviour because I just feel like we aren't close enough to have this kind of talk. In my mind it makes the relationship seem too heavy, or like I'm forcing her to speak to me more than necessary. Or like I'm not empathetic to her mental health issues. But I feel a bit like a toy where she speaks to me when she's in the mood, and when she's not she will ignore my messages for weeks.

Should I speak to her about this? Am I right to feel annoyed or hurt? How should I respond? And no I'm not sitting down constantly thinking about her, I'm the type to move on quickly with my life. But she keeps returning and it messes with my head.

Umm it sounds like this person is your gf in the romantic sense the way you go on about her. :/

I think you were right when you said 'she just gets tired of me and stops responding until she feels guilty enough to speak again.'

I know people like this. I don't like them but they are nice people but I avoid them as much as possible ... until I feel like I HAVE to talk to them. :/

You are probably smothering her... I would stop contacting her completely because you seem too invested in this 'friendship'.
 

madamelakam

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@DrippingCrystal @madamelakam

I think when it comes to confrontation you should treat it like a wedding. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

I notice that if I wait to bring things up people will forget what really happened, gaslight and pretend it's all in my head or I'm too emotional, act like it wasn't a deal, or promise not to do it again, but then they do it again.

If you confront them immediately then they can't escape. Some people are immature and say "I don't want to talk about this right now" but you have to force them in the moment if its a big issue, otherwise they will keep pushing your boundaries and disrespecting you.

A lot of the time it's not necessary to confront someone. You gain nothing as most people are not honest. Usually when you are too direct people run away, or they become extremely emotional or angry as a defence mechanism because they are not used to getting called out on their bµllsh!t.

If someone doesn't treat me properly usually I just keep it moving. And when they come back and try to laugh and joke with me I keep it short and serious.

A lot of the time it's not necessary to confront someone. You gain nothing as most people are not honest.Usually when you are too direct people run away, or they become extremely emotional or angry as a defence mechanism because they are not used to getting called out on their bµllsh!t.”

Again. Thank YOU for understanding. We live in a world where we know people are dishonest, every where you turn it’s a story about a bad friend, hating family member, shady co-worker, etc. So idk why people keep saying “just communicate” as if people aren’t known to gas light, lie, manipulate, etc. Oh and please don’t be Black/woman doing it. That’s when you’re “too emotional”.

I confronted my ex best friend about something twice this year and she lied, tried to manipulate me on both occasions, gas lit & showed herself to be a liar & disloyal. I confronted her at the moment the first time. I knew she was lying on our second/last convo and I just let her keep going to see how far she’d go lol. I gave her chances to be honest. Snip snip. We were best friends for 10 years & I was there for her through thick & thin & she still had no decency or respect for me to tell the truth.

The same way you should not/can’t teach people basic manners and respect if they don’t want to act on it, is the same way you can’t teach people how to be TRUTHFUL & take accountability. And the truth is TOO MANY people act like this. Just look at how common it is for men to gaslight women. Replace that with yt people & Black ppl and the list goes on.

This “just communicate” thing is becoming manipulative as well.
 

Lotti++

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Yeah it's so sad people can't just be honest. The last time she ghosted me she was still posting on social media and meeting her other friends. But she returned weeks later and said she was going through her depression, I tried to be understanding but it's like her depression only affects speaking to me and nobody else. Everyone seems to say they have anxiety or depression when they don't wanna talk to me, i have mental health issues too but it doesn't stop me from communicating!

It's good you had the courage to walk away. I don't want to change my personality and start acting the same way these bad friends behave by ignoring messages. But if you give too much of yourself they take it for granted. I'm so glad I never told her what was in my head, before I was thinking she's the friend I always dreamed of having, she matched the personality. But in my head that friend liked talking to me a lot and didn't ignore my messages.

I think people like us have to work more on finding inner peace and contentment within. That way whether these so called friends come and go we will always be happy.

Absolutely this. Especially that first paragraph. Same here.

That’s the thing, some people will find any obstacle they’re facing to be a reason why they’ve gone ghost, and that might be fine in certain circumstances, but if it’s such a frequent pattern, then why bother to stay in touch? I think that hurts the most for me because like you said, a person can be actually really busy or have mental illness, but will find time to respond. If you’re too down or busy to respond, one would think posting on social media would be too stressful, right? And I’m mean posting not just be on there or browse. Or posting because it’s for your job or business.

So after a while, what are we to think of these actions? You’re depressed to respond back eventually but not so much so to post a picture or status on social media? Isn’t that even more consuming since who knows how your post will be taken by those you know or randoms and that could greatly affect your already vulnerable state? I just...can’t. I just pull back.

I didn’t cut off anyone except one and that was like last year (unintentionally though). But I didn’t respond to another, but plan to. Just not in a rush because unsurprisingly I was gaslit. I don’t even want to bother with an ultimatum. I just want to say my final word and if that means our friendship is over...that really hurts, but I guess I’ll move on.

I wish I came across people like you or @madamelakam who at least can be honest in these regards. I didn’t want to admit it, but it’s true - most people don’t know how to be a good friend. I’m not even expecting everyone I come across like this, just like one.
 

realtalk92

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A lot of the time it's not necessary to confront someone. You gain nothing as most people are not honest.Usually when you are too direct people run away, or they become extremely emotional or angry as a defence mechanism because they are not used to getting called out on their bµllsh!t.”

Again. Thank YOU for understanding. We live in a world where we know people are dishonest, every where you turn it’s a story about a bad friend, hating family member, shady co-worker, etc. So idk why people keep saying “just communicate” as if people aren’t known to gas light, lie, manipulate, etc. Oh and please don’t be Black/woman doing it. That’s when you’re “too emotional”.

I confronted my ex best friend about something twice this year and she lied, tried to manipulate me on both occasions, gas lit & showed herself to be a liar & disloyal. I confronted her at the moment the first time. I knew she was lying on our second/last convo and I just let her keep going to see how far she’d go lol. I gave her chances to be honest. Snip snip. We were best friends for 10 years & I was there for her through thick & thin & she still had no decency or respect for me to tell the truth.

The same way you should not/can’t teach people basic manners and respect if they don’t want to act on it, is the same way you can’t teach people how to be TRUTHFUL & take accountability. And the truth is TOO MANY people act like this. Just look at how common it is for men to gaslight women. Replace that with yt people & Black ppl and the list goes on.

This “just communicate” thing is becoming manipulative as well.

Also, this made me think too

Because a lot of times we think because we have known someone for a longer time that they are good friends but that is not necessarily true. You could know someone for 10 and 20 years and that doesn't necessarily make them a good friend. I actually think sometimes people keep bad people around them because they have known them for a long time and they misconstrue knowing someone for a long time with "being a good friend".

You can have someone that you have only known for months that turned out to be a good friend. I have realized if someone wants to be your friend and show they care, it won't be that hard. Friendship is not suppose to be difficult

For me a friend is not defined in the amount of time you have known them but in how they treat you and support you. Obviously any type of friendship takes time but it usually doesn't take that that long to vet if someone is a good person to have in your life (whether acquaintance or friendship). I think a lot of times we do see the signs but we choose to ignore them or make excuses because we are desperate for friendship and acceptance.
 

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Also, this made me think too

Because a lot of times we think because we have known someone for a longer time that they are good friends but that is not necessarily true. You could know someone for 10 and 20 years and that doesn't necessarily make them a good friend. I actually think sometimes people keep bad people around them because they have known them for a long time and they misconstrue knowing someone for a long time with "being a good friend".

You can have someone that you have only known for months that turned out to be a good friend. I have realized if someone wants to be your friend and show they care, it won't be that hard. Friendship is not suppose to be difficult

For me a friend is not defined in the amount of time you have known them but in how they treat you and support you. Obviously any type of friendship takes time but it usually doesn't take that that long to vet if someone is a good person to have in your life (whether acquaintance or friendship). I think a lot of times we do see the signs but we choose to ignore them or make excuses because we are desperate for friendship and acceptance.

facts! I also think because we’ve been around certain people for a certain amount of time we think their poor behavior isn’t a big deal because we generally see them as a friend.

There’s a thread on here about women friendships & a font brought up a great point. The discussion was about how it’s not fair to think because someone may not have friends they're automatically the problem because there are people who are downright horrible who are surrounded by friends. I literally see this all the time on here & twitter: people always talking about how they can’t trust their friend, how their friend does them dirty, how their friend shades them, etc. And it’s like, that’s not a friend, why are you still present?

you are 100% correct, friendship is not difficult and the only people who have a hard time being good friends are those who have inner turmoil they need to work on
 

realtalk92

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facts! I also think because we’ve been around certain people for a certain amount of time we think their poor behavior isn’t a big deal because we generally see them as a friend.

There’s a thread on here about women friendships & a font brought up a great point. The discussion was about how it’s not fair to think because someone may not have friends they're automatically the problem because there are people who are downright horrible who are surrounded by friends. I literally see this all the time on here & twitter: people always talking about how they can’t trust their friend, how their friend does them dirty, how their friend shades them, etc. And it’s like, that’s not a friend, why are you still present?

you are 100% correct, friendship is not difficult and the only people who have a hard time being good friends are those who have inner turmoil they need to work on

Yep, the ones that appear to have "alot of friends" or popular really are not quality friends themselves (from my experience). They actually tend to be the worse friends because they are more concerned with pleasing everyone versus being a good friend to the ones that are good to them. They also tend to be fake and not loyal since they have a lot of "friends"

I think the ones that don't have friends or 1 or 2 make the better friends and its really unfortunate that is how it usually goes.

I think we are a very superficial and image driven society. If something doesn't appear a certain way that we are use too, then it must be something wrong with the person. If someone doesn't appear to have a lot of friends, then they are automatically considered to be the problem, not taken into consideration that this person may have had really bad "friends" and decided to cut them off or has trust issues due to past experiences with "friends"

We are a very black and white culture in terms of how we rationalize things but yes I also agree, just because someone doesn't have a lot friends doesn't necessarily mean they are the problem or not a good friend. I hear this a lot as well for single women (Why can't they get a man? They must be the problem). Overall, I think women tend to have a harder time with making geniune friendships compared to men. Men tend to make friendships and acquaintances more easier than women.
 

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Yep, the ones that appear to have "alot of friends" or popular really are not quality friends themselves (from my experience). They actually tend to be the worse friends because they are more concerned with pleasing everyone versus being a good friend to the ones that are good to them. They also tend to be fake and not loyal since they have a lot of "friends"

I think the ones that don't have friends or 1 or 2 make the better friends and its really unfortunate that is how it usually goes.

I think we are a very superficial and image driven society. If something doesn't appear a certain way that we are use too, then it must be something wrong with the person. If someone doesn't appear to have a lot of friends, then they are automatically considered to be the problem, not taken into consideration that this person may have had really bad "friends" and decided to cut them off or has trust issues due to past experiences with "friends"

We are a very black and white culture in terms of how we rationalize things but yes I also agree, just because someone doesn't have a lot friends doesn't necessarily mean they are the problem or not a good friend. I hear this a lot as well for single women (Why can't they get a man? They must be the problem). Overall, I think women tend to have a harder time with making geniune friendships compared to men. Men tend to make friendships and acquaintances more easier than women.

you’re right on the money!!

that was the issue with my former best friend. Mainly she has low self esteem, but she also had a lot of friends to make up for that. Long story short, she took up for a fake friend (whom she has spilled tea to me about, knows she’s fake, competitive, on some take your man ish & doesn’t trust her) who was disrespectful to not only me but also her. Mind you, we were best friends & she felt the need to lie, gaslit, & take up for the other person when she was dead wrong

in observing that friendship I realized she is codependent and needs a whole bunch of friends to fill the void. But as best friends, it’s an unspoken rule we ride together. Plus I was the one done wrong.

so yes you are right. In essence she has no loyalty not only to me or the other girl whom she has spoken ill of behind her back, but she doesn’t have any to herself either. I have always side eyed people who need a whole pack of friends. They definitely tend to be the most two faced & will do anything to keep friends around them even when it’s harmful.

yes people definitely need to stop looking at everything as “this or that” because there’s always middle ground. A lot of people are very complacent in their friendships and know the other people/person aint ish but don’t care to help them be better and/or accept them because they’re lonely.
 

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you’re right on the money!!

that was the issue with my former best friend. Mainly she has low self esteem, but she also had a lot of friends to make up for that. Long story short, she took up for a fake friend (whom she has spilled tea to me about, knows she’s fake, competitive, on some take your man ish & doesn’t trust her) who was disrespectful to not only me but also her. Mind you, we were best friends & she felt the need to lie, gaslit, & take up for the other person when she was dead wrong

in observing that friendship I realized she is codependent and needs a whole bunch of friends to fill the void. But as best friends, it’s an unspoken rule we ride together. Plus I was the one done wrong.

so yes you are right. In essence she has no loyalty not only to me or the other girl whom she has spoken ill of behind her back, but she doesn’t have any to herself either. I have always side eyed people who need a whole pack of friends. They definitely tend to be the most two faced & will do anything to keep friends around them even when it’s harmful.

yes people definitely need to stop looking at everything as “this or that” because there’s always middle ground. A lot of people are very complacent in their friendships and know the other people/person aint ish but don’t care to help them be better and/or accept them because they’re lonely.

So Sorry that happened to you! You seem to be spot on about that person and their codependency. Many times those types do have low self esteem and are codependent on anyone or anything to fill that void instead of addressing their own issues but that is her lost.

That is why the people that don't have a whole lot of friends or ride solo tend to be the realest and most geniune because they are content with who they are and don't need people to fill a void or to make them happy.

Its always a double edge sword when you stay true to yourself and values. You are internally happy because you are building your self-respect and worth. However, people like that tend to be by themselves because they cannot be easily manipulated by people because they are firm in their values. I do think once a person builds their confidence and esteem, they learn how to vet better people in their life that tend to be better quality but you will also find you don't need a whole lot of people to make you happy.

I also think some people don't realize the good friends they do have until they are gone. They push good people away because of their own insecurities and they are so self-centered they can't see that their is someone there that does care about them. That also sounds like what your "friend" did and sometimes you have to walk away when these types just take take and don't ever consider your feelings but then again, that is her loss not yours.
 

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So Sorry that happened to you! You seem to be spot on about that person and their codependency. Many times those types do have low self esteem and are codependent on anyone or anything to fill that void instead of addressing their own issues but that is her lost.

That is why the people that don't have a whole lot of friends or ride solo tend to be the realest and most geniune because they are content with who they are and don't need people to fill a void or to make them happy.

Its always a double edge sword when you stay true to yourself and values. You are internally happy because you are building your self-respect and worth. However, people like that tend to be by themselves because they cannot be easily manipulated by people because they are firm in their values. I do think once a person builds their confidence and esteem, they learn how to vet better people in their life that tend to be better quality but you will also find you don't need a whole lot of people to make you happy.

I also think some people don't realize the good friends they do have until they are gone. They push good people away because of their own insecurities and they are so self-centered they can't see that their is someone there that does care about them. That also sounds like what your "friend" did and sometimes you have to walk away when these types just take take and don't ever consider your feelings but then again, that is her loss not yours.

thank you so much. I have been 25% hurt by the audacity, lies, manipulation, disloyalty, & dishonesty, but 75% okay with my choice to leave the friendship because I am okay with being on my own & I would rather be by myself than around people I can’t trust. I miss her a little sometimes, but I’m not taking up with her mess anymore.

not even saying this to brag, but I genuinely was trying to help her with her self esteem, confidence, always supporting her in different endeavors, going above and beyond. She is going to unfortunately have to learn the hard way about that girl because she’s been doing sneaky violations for a while and other people have called it out too. That’s her burden to carry, not mine.

And yes those of us like that are the most genuine. People think we’re too hard on people, picky, but we give and expect loyalty and honesty and take friendships seriously. I think a lot of us have realized a lot of people in this world ain’t ish and we are okay with being solo or riding with a couple of people. That’s what I was talking about when I mentioned how people love to yell “communication” but don’t take into account how dishonest so many people are & how they fail to take full accountability.

I know it’s cliche but I do think the realest don’t have a lot of friends. I think more people should start approaching friendships they way they do romantic relationships. Too often we just jump in not taking into account of people’s upbringing, cultural backgrounds, “love languages”, what they want out of the friendship, etc.

It’s kind like oh she/he likes what I like, book we’re friends. When it’s a bit more that goes into it!
 

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I have a "bad habit" of answering later my friends. The problem is that social media makes me anxious and the "pressure" to answer in the moment makes it worse for me, it seems all fake, dunno. I always say to them that I'm late to answer and ask them to not take it personally, they think I'm casual, to most acquitances I don't explain that this makes me feel bad though. The closest ones got surprised when I said that because I'm a very social person.

That said, I'd never let my friends on a wait if they are needing me. This is not a true friend imo. That said (again ), I'd tell let her on the side / feed her on a long spoon and downgrade her to an acquitance. Two years is not too long of a friendship. If she is a good company, keep her as a party friend, just don't tell all your secrets, or consider her your best friend, etc...
 
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thank you so much. I have been 25% hurt by the audacity, lies, manipulation, disloyalty, & dishonesty, but 75% okay with my choice to leave the friendship because I am okay with being on my own & I would rather be by myself than around people I can’t trust. I miss her a little sometimes, but I’m not taking up with her mess anymore.

not even saying this to brag, but I genuinely was trying to help her with her self esteem, confidence, always supporting her in different endeavors, going above and beyond. She is going to unfortunately have to learn the hard way about that girl because she’s been doing sneaky violations for a while and other people have called it out too. That’s her burden to carry, not mine.

And yes those of us like that are the most genuine. People think we’re too hard on people, picky, but we give and expect loyalty and honesty and take friendships seriously. I think a lot of us have realized a lot of people in this world ain’t ish and we are okay with being solo or riding with a couple of people. That’s what I was talking about when I mentioned how people love to yell “communication” but don’t take into account how dishonest so many people are & how they fail to take full accountability.

I know it’s cliche but I do think the realest don’t have a lot of friends. I think more people should start approaching friendships they way they do romantic relationships. Too often we just jump in not taking into account of people’s upbringing, cultural backgrounds, “love languages”, what they want out of the friendship, etc.

It’s kind like oh she/he likes what I like, book we’re friends. When it’s a bit more that goes into it!

The realest don't but it takes time to be comfortable with that reality but that is when you build the most confidence/self love IMO. Most people are very superficial and want to have many "friends" even if its not geniune.

I agree, I think more women should vet other women the same as they do men in romantic relationships. I feel women feel because well...WE are women that that the same rules don't apply when they do.

If you know you won't stand a man not answering your calls, not being supportive, talking to you crazy, breaking promises....why should you take that from a female friend??????
 

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She finally responded...after 3 fµck!ng weeks!

I don't even wanna read the message.

Fonts what do I do, do I respond or just leave it unread?
 

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I would leave it unread and go on about my life personally lbs

Yeah it's in the borderline offensive region. I'll just let it go. I don't want to start things up and go through these emotions again.

‐----------

2-3 Weeks:
Step 1. Find a self-help book about only being involved in friendships/relationships in which your presence is valued.

Step 2. Have it sent via UPS Ground or whatever the slowest shipping option is. It’ll arrive in a week, tops.

Step 3. Take the spare week(s) you’d still have left until you get a response to read the entire book, and by the time they text back you’ll know just how borderline offensive a multiple week response time is.

How Long A Person Takes To Text You Back And What It Actually Means
 

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She finally responded...after 3 fµck!ng weeks!

I don't even wanna read the message.

Fonts what do I do, do I respond or just leave it unread?

You move on.
Or if you want to be petty, you leave her on read. I’m usually forgiving but what your “friend” did was trifling.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been diagnosed with something serious & I hope you overcome what you’re battling.

This “friend” has already displayed who she is in the face of hardships & life is way too short to be surrounded by people who don’t show any care for your wellbeing. It hurts but it also pushes you towards better! Two nights ago my spirits were very low & I was ready to end it. I reached out to my friend and she immediately rang the alarm bells & stayed on the phone until I was in a better headspace. We all need that one friend we can be vulnerable with.

If anything, just demote this “friend” to the acquaintance you party/concert with.
 

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After we first met she did the silent thing so I even deleted her number from my phone. Then she messaged me and I gave a one word response. But she kept messaging me and she communicated better so I added her to my phone. Now I'm emotionally attached which is why i haven't thrown her away.

IDK what it is but I tend to attract the same kind of people friendship wise. When I attached and considered them a friend they would detach and seem distant. When I returned the same energy suddenly they're all in my face and want my attention again.

I once broke off a friendship and suddenly the person was OTT nice and wanting my attention again when the issue was that they didn't seem to care and would ghost.

If I considered somebody a friend and told them about a serious health problem and they left me on read. I'm holding your funeral because you're dead to me now.

I show people here and on social media who are strangers care and concern if they're going through something serious so if you can't take one second out of your life to show some support then I must not be that important to you.

I don't like people dipping in and out of my life so either you're in or you need to go somewhere because I'm not your personal entertainment.
 

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The waves thing isn't an issue to me depending on the friend. Certain friends, we talk on & off. Close friends I regularly converse w/ them. I just feel the fact you said you're going through something serious & she just left it on read. She's so depressed but has no problem hanging out w/ her friends and regularly updating on FB. Yeah fµck!ng right.

You feel weird because deep down you know its fµcked up but you like her & have to decide do you like this "friendship" more or yourself...

I wouldn't even talk to her about it because I find people are who they are. I tried this in the past & it never worked out because they are who they are. I did this mainly in H.S. but I would tell a friend they are this way or that way & they remained the same..


So now, I either cut people off and keep it moving or treat them as a mere acquaintance and return the same energy. Meaning I treat them how they treat me. They hmu out of convenience, do the same,etc. You can hang with them to have fun & a good time - but that's it. Use your real friends and family for serious life stuff.
 
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I’m the ghost friend that you described. I mainly go ghost because I’m dealing with some internal issues, sadness, mild depression, etc. I specifically do it to one friend because when she calls 90% of the conversation is about her. Also, the things she does talk about are things that I am currently not in the mood to discuss. I’m aware that it’s not a mature way to handle it. Perhaps try analyzing your friend’s side and see things from her perspective. When you call or text her is it mainly about you? Do you ask her first how she is feeling? Outside of depression there may be a reason why she isn’t answering your calls/text specifically.
Way too much energy to be guessing why someone isn’t treating you right. If you know you are the type to be a ghost friend then be up front about it. It’s wrong to just disappear on people because you are going through something and then think it’s reasonable to pop back up whenever. If you have a friend that only talk about themselves then address it or cut them off period. This friend of yours may not even realize they are only talking about themselves. Worse yet maybe OP is a great friend and just being treated in a crappy way. I’ve learned that I really need to give back the energy given to me. Any ghost friends will be treated appropriately regardless of their reasons why they have gone ghost.
 

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