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He faked the whole relationship and finessed me money. I’m still obsessed with him

incogneato

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.
 

Diana Hunter

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Whew chile...
tenor.gif
 

KarenKing

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you're not mourning the loss of him, you're mourning the loss of the way he made you feel during the"good times". The obsession is nothing more than a manifestation of your desire to regain those feelings back. To move on, you have to reconnect to yourself, love yourself and generate your own happiness outside of another person.

If you have any childhood baggage, that has to be cleared out and addressed as well.
 

ChocolateGold

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You're not in love with him. You're in love with the person he pretended to be. He played you and used you for your money. He got into character to get what he wanted out of you. That's not love. It's manipulation.

Snap out of it!
 

lakeluna

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Whatever you do, DON’T CONTACT HIM.

You sound desperate enough to be a partner in crime to his scamming all for his “love” and attention:
 

Divakim89

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He literally showed you who he was, used you for money and has multiple baby mama's and an illegal job....what about any of this is attractive to you?

Go to therapy and find out the root to your love for toxic situations. This man didn't love you, he used you. Before you get with anyone else learn to love yourself first.
 

By Butterfly

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.
upload_2018-3-11_21-4-59.png
 

MochiMaven

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I don't get how ppl can still be drawn to liars after they've been revealed. He is clearly not who he said he was. And you seem to be pining over who he said he was. Don't admire his "smarts" when he used them to deceive you. Don't admire his "ambition" when he used your coins to get ahead. People who make up entirely different versions of themselves are sociopaths in my book. Please explore why you're drawn to that.
 

MessyB0ttom

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how they always do. He left her and she stalked his ass to beg for him back and she discovered things
I was hoping it was more creative, like she walked in the house and all her sh!t was gone. When she tried calling, he had her blocked. Or the baby momma was posted up on Facebook in her car or something.
 

LaBahama

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Do you have low self esteem or are you ugly? Cause a man cany get a pack of gum out of me.
Work on self love and dont dear contact that user.
 

JaniraBorges

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.
No comment
 

GigiLaMoore

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You still love a man that you fully admit used you and took your money? I know it's hard but you really need to find your way past him. Good luck.
 

superhotfire

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sounds like Stockholm syndrome. my jaw was dropped the whole time i was reading this. i hope this is fake
 

Love Gun

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At your big age..... you should’ve been searching for a therapist instead of making this thread.
 

Jasmine Benz

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YOU'VE BEEN LOVE BOMBED!

tenor.gif


If a man moves too fast in the beginning and hasn't taken the time to get to know you, RED FLAG
If he calls every single day and maybe multiple times a day and you guys are still in the getting to know you stage, RED FLAG
If he overcompliments you, RED FLAG
If he speaks of settling down and says that you two were made for each other and you barely know each other, RED FLAG
If he wants to get in a relationship ASAP and you are both over the age of 21, RED FLAG
 

robertacavalli

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Google radical acceptance. Buy a journal. Maybe take a trip if you can to welcome the new.

You dodged a mess. Be happy you are free from him. How you gonna be doing illegal stuff and aint even good at it? Hence his need to finesse you.
 

Ghanaian1996

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you're not mourning the loss of him, you're mourning the loss of the way he made you feel during the"good times". The obsession is nothing more than a manifestation of your desire to regain those feelings back. To move on, you have to reconnect to yourself, love yourself and generate your own happiness outside of another person.

If you have any childhood baggage, that has to be cleared out and addressed as well.
You're correct. That's sage advice.

As a hit to the male ego as it can be -- the truth is it's rarely about us as individuals. It's more about the utilitarian value we bring, that is adored and missed. How he makes you feel, how he makes you look. Maybe the feelings of being desired, chased, adored....

She misses how he made her feel, not him. She misses the serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine he provided. At the very least, feeling alive, a thrill, feeling something. But as for himself, doubtful he is missed. I think sadly subconsciously she may also be attracted to the fact that he exploited her financially and used her....It ties into the low self-esteem and sadly maybe the thought of thinking you don't deserve better....It's almost as if the worse he is towards her the more she magnifies the positive (facade) attributes he has (he doesn't).

I think he likely sought her out intentionally and picked up on key signs.....

But all in all any grown man that has to take/scam/"borrow" money from you....that is incredible loser, scammer, weak-life, behavior. I would figure that would be likely the biggest turn off of all, but it seem the only elixir to mitigate that is all out loser, man-baby, behavior...

------

"He was also very nice to me"

This is the crux of it. You deserve for everyone you treat kindly to treat you kindly as well.....this statement won't matter until you feel it...it takes time.
 

incogneato

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How did you find out he was playing you?
I won't go into details but it is his fault and the bm's fault. Let's just say he unknowingly gave me access to his social media. I didn't want to confront him how I did, but he was away from me for about a month and I couldn't take waiting and holding in what I knew before I saw him again. I saw messages and pictures that revealed what was really going on. He's just a dog. The current bm/gf just had a baby when he got with me and he was also cheating on her with multiple other girls ( from her own words in the messages I saw). So I exposed him on his own profile.

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the person he pretended to be. He played you and used you for your money. He got into character to get what he wanted out of you. That's not love. It's manipulation.

Snap out of it!
Logically, I know this. But thank you for reiterating it. It's nice to hear it from someone else.
Whatever you do, DON’T CONTACT HIM.

You sound desperate enough to be a partner in crime to his scamming all for his “love” and attention:
He was trying to get me to, but I told him no.
I don't get how ppl can still be drawn to liars after they've been revealed. He is clearly not who he said he was. And you seem to be pining over who he said he was. Don't admire his "smarts" when he used them to deceive you. Don't admire his "ambition" when he used your coins to get ahead. People who make up entirely different versions of themselves are sociopaths in my book. Please explore why you're drawn to that.
I don't understand it either. Trust me, I know he is trash. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so ashamed of myself for getting in this situation.
Do you have low self esteem or are you ugly? Cause a man cany get a pack of gum out of me.
Work on self love and dont dear contact that user.
I was ugly when I was growing up. Well actually I wasn't. I just had bad skin and ugly teeth.I fixed both. I'm petite, big but, flat chested and light skin ( not saying that makes me attractive, but men where I am are super color struct and make it known that they like that about me) and like to workout. Logically, I know that I am what some would call attractive. But I don't feel like it. It makes me feel even worse because people make comments about not understanding why I am single, or assume I have my way with men. I always just play into it and brush it off, but if anyone ( outside of my 2 friends) knew I how I struggle with men, I would die of embarrassment.

Also, you guys are sick. I said I was depressed and you are laughing? Part of why he was successful in playing me is because I am isolated and have no one and inexperienced with men. He knew that, and even commented something about knowing I didn't have a daddy in regards to some bs sweet talk he was giving me. He is SICK and a PREDATOR and he USED me and ya'll think the sh!t is funny??
 

Mary Jenkins

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.
sounds like a toxic dude, maybe narcissistic, it is ok to feel what you feel, you got to heal so you can stop obsessing over it, please seek a therapist to help you work through your feelings.

i see you mention therapy in a few months, i suggest you go to liittle shaman youtube channel and watch signs of narcissist to see if your ex meets the criteria, if he does, research healing from narcissistic abuse. cyber hugs and you can inbox if you need to chat.
 

incogneato

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.
Is his name Charles? Sounds like the exact story that happened to my friend, down to the cussing out part. She was also devastated. He ended up taking money, stayed at her house with his 5 year old son, pretending to form a family. He took custody of his son from one of his BM's, but there were 3-4 total. He was always in and out, pretending he was travelling on business although he didn't really have a job?? It was a mess. Cussed her out, said she look like a burnt plucked chicken, just terrible.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you can find a way to peace. It is not your fault at all. These master manipulators have been doing this their entire lives, many trained by manipulating parents, so it is etched in them to just be heartless and take. It's a sickness, and you were targeted.

The best news is that you are away from him before he dragged you in to any of his scumball life, and now.... it's time to heal. Best of luck to you, wishing you well and a speedy recovery from this bullshyt.
 

Bella8933

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So I started dating someone last year and the whole situation lasted about 5-6 months. I thought we were in a real relationship because he said we were and also talked about wanting to settle down and be with me (yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me (didn’t know that was a thing at the time). The man I thought him to be was single and childless, came from the hood but formally educated with money turned out to be a typical drug dealing, scamming ass ***** with multiple kids and a baby mamas. He was also still in a relationship with one of his bms.

He called/FaceTimed me all day, everyday, helped me move into my new apt, and came to help me with car problems once. I don’t know where this baby mama was. He also manipulated me into a situation that took money out of my pocket (over $2k) and


I still love him. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, ambitious, well rounded. He was also very nice to me and I’m not used to men being nice to me. We got drunk and I threw up, kinda blacked out and he took care of me.

Please don’t berate me for my self esteem cuz I know it’s low, and I’m almost 30 so it’s not going to change anytime soon if it hasn’t by now. I’m also planning to start therapy in a few months.

I just want to stop thinking about him, especially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s almost been a year and he’s all I think about. I fantasize about him coming back. I know he’s not because I was petty (idgaf) and ended it by confronting him on social media so he hates me. This makes me even more sad cuz not only did he never really care about me but he cussed me out, called me all kinds of name, and threatened me.

It could have been worse I know. But the fact is, I am still devastated and obsessed with him despite it being a very short lived fling. I call into work regularly because I’m depressed about it and this week I started crying uncontrollably in my cubicle. Help.

Okay, but you knew from the beginning he was full of it when you write -

'yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me ...'

So you figured you would take things slow and a second later you said 'things moved quickly'. Well, right there you knew you were being played. :/

Honestly with women like you that don't VET men and just let them take you off into Never, Never Land, where you are used and/or abused in some way until it ends... but then you are so crippled by the break up such that a year later you can't even make it into work .... your problems are waaaay deeper than what happened with this man. This would not be normal for a 15-year-old and ... you are 30?

Something deep inside is missing and it most likely tied to your childhood,

Get into therapy.
 

incogneato

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Okay, but you knew from the beginning he was full of it when you write -

'yes this was a red flag, but I figured if we just took things slow it didn’t matter and it was a good sign that he was marriage minded) but it was just a trick to get me comfy. Things moved really quickly and he loved bomb me ...'

So you figured you would take things slow and a second later you said 'things moved quickly'. Well, right there you knew you were being played. :/

Honestly with women like you that don't VET men and just let them take you off into Never, Never Land, where you are used and/or abused in some way until it ends... but then you are so crippled by the break up such that a year later you can't even make it into work .... your problems are waaaay deeper than what happened with this man. This would not be normal for a 15-year-old and ... you are 30?

Something deep inside is missing and it most likely tied to your childhood,

Get into therapy.

yes I have mental health issues and I was taking meds and in therapy when I met him. I was so happy the whole time I stopped the meds and therapy. I’m in my mid 20’s.
 

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Do you think pandemic has maybe played a role in your inability to get over him? Since there’s not as much to do or people to see?
 

definitely

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I won't go into details but it is his fault and the bm's fault. Let's just say he unknowingly gave me access to his social media. I didn't want to confront him how I did, but he was away from me for about a month and I couldn't take waiting and holding in what I knew before I saw him again. I saw messages and pictures that revealed what was really going on. He's just a dog. The current bm/gf just had a baby when he got with me and he was also cheating on her with multiple other girls ( from her own words in the messages I saw). So I exposed him on his own profile.


Logically, I know this. But thank you for reiterating it. It's nice to hear it from someone else.

He was trying to get me to, but I told him no.

I don't understand it either. Trust me, I know he is trash. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so ashamed of myself for getting in this situation.

I was ugly when I was growing up. Well actually I wasn't. I just had bad skin and ugly teeth.I fixed both. I'm petite, big but, flat chested and light skin ( not saying that makes me attractive, but men where I am are super color struct and make it known that they like that about me) and like to workout. Logically, I know that I am what some would call attractive. But I don't feel like it. It makes me feel even worse because people make comments about not understanding why I am single, or assume I have my way with men. I always just play into it and brush it off, but if anyone ( outside of my 2 friends) knew I how I struggle with men, I would die of embarrassment.

Also, you guys are sick. I said I was depressed and you are laughing? Part of why he was successful in playing me is because I am isolated and have no one and inexperienced with men. He knew that, and even commented something about knowing I didn't have a daddy in regards to some bs sweet talk he was giving me. He is SICK and a PREDATOR and he USED me and ya'll think the sh!t is funny??
There we go, it is NOT about this man. It’s about you being isolated and lonely, he filled that void for you.
 

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