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Heartfelt advice for naturals 5+ years or more who are considering relaxers or just aren't seeing any progress with their natural hair

inasundress

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This post is ONLY for those who can relate to and feel similar to the journey I took with my FAILED natural hair journey that took over ten years. This thread is not for people to encourage sticking it out or extolling the virtues of natural hair. This thread is not for those who found a way to manage their natural hair. This thread is only for those who are struggling, and have continued to struggle for a number of years with their natural hair and things just don't seem to be getting better. So only respond if you can relate to my story of how, over 5 to 10 years:

I never figured out how to do natural hairstyles. I never was able to do twistouts and bantu knots and TWAs and fros and the most I was able to do was twists with extensions or mostly just pulled my hair back into a ponytail.

I was NEVER able to find products that I felt like worked for my hair and spent hundreds and thousands of dollars fruitlessly trying.

I was NEVER able to find a natural hairstyle with no or minimal effort that worked for me or made me feel cute or feminine or womanly (without extensions).

I was NEVER happy or comfortable or actually no depressed about how hard it was to deal with washday, all the constant breakage and hair loss, the golf ball sized balls of shed hair any time I had to cleanse and restyle my hair.

My hair NEVER magically grew out longer than, where it as at present just barely BSL, despite the fact that I spent 10 years using almost no heat and trying to protective style to the best of my ability.

I gave it a long sincere try in the interests of genuinely loving my hair and its natural state, but I simply was never able to manage it. You can search my name and find other threads I've made in this forum talking about it. I wanted dearly to somehow find a way to manage my hair in a way that worked with my lifestyle and also gave me the freedom to pursue my fitness and socializing needs in a way that I felt comfortable and I was never able to manage it in 10 whole years... and didn't even have much extra length to show for it.

If you feel like me, if you are constantly struggling uphill trying to find a way, where you want to love and keep your natural hair the way god made you but the interference in your life is just too great and seemingly unsolvable.

Let it go.

Relax your hair.

It's just fµck!ng hair.

And if straightened hair makes it easier for you to be healthy, to socialize with others, to have better hygiene and more easily style your hair in a way that makes you look good...

fµck what anybody else thinks.

Go and get a fµck!ng relaxer.

This post is not for everyone so please don't waste your time being an asshole and bothering to respond if this post is not for you.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
 
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TrueLifeDiva

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There are some people who cant do relaxers. They got them as child and never had hair past their collar. Some women are not good at doing hair. Some folks hair is fragile and breaks when the wind blows. When I was a hairdresser, I recommended to a few clients that relaxers/chemicals were not their friend. Relaxers are not the cure for bad hair days.
Too many people compare themselves to others. It's ok if you only have 2-3 styles that look great. If your hair is healthy, that's all that matters. My Bantu/twist/braid outs come out like trash and I'm a retired hairdresser. Why? Because I have baby fine, low density hair. And JBCO will not make it thicker. It's genetics and I have learned to live with that. My sleek buns and french braids come out beautifully so I just work with what I have. When I want a different look, weave helps me achieve it.

Natural is not the final answer for everyone.
Relaxer is not the final answer for everyone.
Weave is not the final answer for everyone.
 

Kessiah

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Thank you OP. Although I'm scared of relaxers, I'm about to heat train and become a straight natural.
Anybody come for me with the "it's heat damage/limp curls" arguement can kiss dust because that's how I want my hair to look. Textured and straight.
Forget what people think!
 

Kessiah

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The person whose post I replied to got removed yet Im the one being downvoted LMAO
 
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TGSHeaux

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I was about 3 years natural. I was like f it and got a relaxer. I was happy for about a few months. Then I realized I made a mistake. My stylist sabotaged my hair!Then the damndemic hit so I big chopped again. This month I’m a year natural. It hasn’t been easy but I don’t plan on going back to relaxers.
 

TrueLifeDiva

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The thread obviously wasn't for you.....
I've been natural and relaxed. There are many reasons why people choose to go the route they choose. I have insight on both and I offered MY point of view. This thread is for anyone who wants to reply.



You tried it....
 

Stealyourman

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Why relaxers though? What is wrong with wearing natural hair extensions/clip in/wigs?

My solution was wearing natural 4c hair extensions. I cannot go back to relaxers. But i understand because my hair is fine and medium density. It breaks easily and tangles onto itself.
Hmm,you got me thinking maybe relaxers would keep tangles out of my hair.

I cannot get with you on the hygiene and feminine stuff. Natural hair can look feminine and is hygenic.
 

ROSSI

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I legit feel your pain I swear. I've been natural for so long and its been such a slow, tedious ass process. especially growth wise. I would do a relaxer but I'm too lazy tbh. I just keep it braided and keep it moving.

I dont think you should feel ashamed tho, who cares. Do what you want with your hair
 

inasundress

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I legit feel your pain I swear. I've been natural for so long and its been such a slow, tedious ass process. especially growth wise. I would do a relaxer but I'm too lazy tbh. I just keep it braided and keep it moving.

I dont think you should feel ashamed tho, who cares. Do what you want with your hair

I finally went to a salon and had them relax my hair. It's bone straight now. I'll be getting it blown out at drybar from now on, $40 in and out in an hour. I'm 100% done with the entire subject and I feel so much better now.
 

IrisOsiris

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I have been keeping mine out of sight for precisely the same reason of late. I never like my hair unless its ‘long’ (at least armpit length) but I usually get frustrated waiting for it to grow and keep cutting it before it gets there. So in the meantime while she does her thing i just wear braids and sometimes wigs. Keeps my hands outta my hair. Relieves me of anxiety. I dont know if youll be any happier with a relaxer in the long run but sometimes we all could use a change of pace.
 

Lord Manderly

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I feel like if you have relaxed hair you have to be more meticulous for it to look decent. It seems a lot easier to hide damaged natural hair. I wouldnt say it is the answer. If you are struggling I feel if you can you should seek a professional who knows how to take care of natural and/or relaxed hair.
 

fakefur

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This year will mark 9 years since being natural for me. I love my 4c natural hair...I love my unique, tiny coils and I love the texture of my hair. I also adore the various natural hairstyles out there. With that said, to be brutally honest I have struggled with my hair ever since I went natural. Those tiny cute coils tangle up something serious. My hair isn't thick and I feel like certain styles don't look as good on me. It always seemed that no matter what I do, something goes wrong - it's too dry, it's too weak, my end break off easily, the crown of my head is very sensitive and at certain points has completely broken off, etc. I know it's not good to compare yourself, but it sucks when you've been trying and trying with your hair for years, and then you see plenty of girls go natural years AFTER you and make so much more progress. I know patience is important, but it's been 9 years! And I'm barely hitting 8 inches.

Personally I will never go back to relaxers because I hated my relaxed hair. As much as I struggle growing out my natural hair, I honestly do like it more than my relaxed hair. However I DO NOT judge anyone who decides to go back to relaxers and feels it works better for them. I've struggled so I understand. Plus it really is just hair, and whether someone relaxes or not, who cares? What's great is that we all have the option to do what we want.
 

BabbleQuinn

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A better and healthier alternative is to loc up your hair! Locs are easier to maintain than loose hair, your hair will always have a style, and they make you look better by default.

Instead of relaxing and dealing with potentially limp and string hair that breaks off easily and requires more TLC, join the loc fam and get thick flourishing hair!
 

LemonShark

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This year will mark 9 years since being natural for me. I love my 4c natural hair...I love my unique, tiny coils and I love the texture of my hair. I also adore the various natural hairstyles out there. With that said, to be brutally honest I have struggled with my hair ever since I went natural. Those tiny cute coils tangle up something serious. My hair isn't thick and I feel like certain styles don't look as good on me. It always seemed that no matter what I do, something goes wrong - it's too dry, it's too weak, my end break off easily, the crown of my head is very sensitive and at certain points has completely broken off, etc. I know it's not good to compare yourself, but it sucks when you've been trying and trying with your hair for years, and then you see plenty of girls go natural years AFTER you and make so much more progress. I know patience is important, but it's been 9 years! And I'm barely hitting 8 inches.

Personally I will never go back to relaxers because I hated my relaxed hair. As much as I struggle growing out my natural hair, I honestly do like it more than my relaxed hair. However I DO NOT judge anyone who decides to go back to relaxers and feels it works better for them. I've struggled so I understand. Plus it really is just hair, and whether someone relaxes or not, who cares? What's great is that we all have the option to do what we want.
Baby, I made it 7 years before I finally decided to split the difference and texturize. I keep my curl and even limp hair snaps back to curly. It's easier to comb long curly hair and keep on growing down my back. Best of both worlds.
 
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Molly Grue

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I feel you. I big chopped in August because my hair was so heat damaged but as soon as it got long enough to cut into a bob I started wearing it straight again lol
 

inasundress

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A better and healthier alternative is to loc up your hair! Locs are easier to maintain than loose hair, your hair will always have a style, and they make you look better by default.

Instead of relaxing and dealing with potentially limp and string hair that breaks off easily and requires more TLC, join the loc fam and get thick flourishing hair!
IT SAYS CLEAR AS DAY IN THE TITLE THIS IS FOR NATURALS WHO ARE CONSIDERING A RELAXER.
 

8837hot

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Lol this thread is hilarious and OP yes you tried it and you know we coming to give our 2 cents.

I’ve been natural, relaxed, Japanese straightened, Brazilian straightened, bleach blond and back.

Do whatever makes you and your lifestyle happy. It’s not automatically can’t handle your hair so jump into chemicals, chemicals come with after care ask my hair broken from me thinking I had to do less with a BKT.



Braiding your hair and throwing on a wig/weave for a few months is underrated. Got my hair back to APL in less than two months and it’s still braided up in single plaits I can throw a wig on. If you like to style every darn day with fragile type 4 hair then yes leaving your hair in it’s natural state without stretching it out is just asking for trouble.
 

idcwabgts5411

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I wanted dearly to somehow find a way to manage my hair in a way that worked with my lifestyle and also gave me the freedom to pursue my fitness and socializing needs in a way that I felt comfortable and I was never able to manage it in 10 whole years... and didn't even have much extra length to show for it.
You know what meets these criteria? Locs lol.
A better and healthier alternative is to loc up your hair! Locs are easier to maintain than loose hair, your hair will always have a style, and they make you look better by default.

Instead of relaxing and dealing with potentially limp and string hair that breaks off easily and requires more TLC, join the loc fam and get thick flourishing hair!
+1. I felt similarly, then I loc'd my hair. Best hair decision I've ever made. Only regret was not having done it sooner.
IT SAYS CLEAR AS DAY IN THE TITLE THIS IS FOR NATURALS WHO ARE CONSIDERING A RELAXER.
This makes me think that, while you emphasize the challenges of taking care of natural hair, there may also be an issue with the natural hair aesthetic.
 

bellabissina

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Thank you OP. Although I'm scared of relaxers, I'm about to heat train and become a straight natural.
Anybody come for me with the "it's heat damage/limp curls" arguement can kiss dust because that's how I want my hair to look. Textured and straight.
Forget what people think!
Wait what is heat training? ive never heard of this
 

SiinLuxx

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IT SAYS CLEAR AS DAY IN THE TITLE THIS IS FOR NATURALS WHO ARE CONSIDERING A RELAXER.
Wow, I was going to respond but this comment is off putting. It also states & I quote

“or just aren't seeing any progress with their natural hair”​


the font was giving additional information/alternatives/resources for people who haven’t seen progress in their natural hair journey such as myself & don’t want a relaxer.
 

SiinLuxx

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A better and healthier alternative is to loc up your hair! Locs are easier to maintain than loose hair, your hair will always have a style, and they make you look better by default.

Instead of relaxing and dealing with potentially limp and string hair that breaks off easily and requires more TLC, join the loc fam and get thick flourishing hair!
I’m actually thinking about loc’ing my hair. My youngest hair is loc’ed and flourishing. But, his hair was already a decent length and a totally different texture than mines. I absolutely love the different ways we style his hair. My hair seems to only grow in braids and I never got how to style it naturally like my sisters. I really think I don’t have the patience.
 

Leiyali

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My hair is thin like super thin so i can't do anything with it. It never got thicker and i absolutely hate it. It does grow though.

Im just tired of the sh!t.

I wash it 2-3 times a week now with shampoo and love it. And it's easier to wash more often cause detangling is almost non existent so i don't lose as much hair.

And i detangle with a fine tooth comb. All the ishb they say you're not supposed to do.
 

AKicking

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Op do what's best for you. It's YOUR hair. These movements are crazy. Shaming people for making the decisions that work for their lives.

Some of the natural communists are crazy. The no oil no butter set might be taking it to a whole new level.

Before you at me, please know I've been natural for over 10 years, was no oil no butter before it became a thing, have scalp issues and have felt the highs and lows of all of it. The pressures to maintain or look a certain way. I prefer my hair natural because I feel more actively engaged with my hair routine but I've never been great at styling even when I was relaxed. Even knowing these things some days i think about staring in my own Just For Me commercial (pigtails and bows included).

Do you Op.
 

PostILLUSION

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As someone who didn’t get a relaxer until their late teens... it’s been really interesting and kind of sad seeing what’s happened with natural hair movement. At first, women that did it just really wanted to. But over time it’s really become weird how some women will try to shame others that aren’t natural. It’s just hair. I feel for those who just took such bad care of their hair that they had to join a movement to even believe their hair grows or to even really interact with their own hair. However, it’s become very evident that some women don’t actually WANT to be natural and spend a lot of time focusing on other people not going through their struggles. && I mean this because when I was growing up I even had other friends that were natural and we never felt anyway about our weaved up friends... it’s hair/hairstyles. Seeing grown women be pressed that someone is wearing a weave just screams that your are unhappy dealing with your own hair and want others to join in on the misery. No one happily natural is worried about other women doing it. Same with women that just chop it all off etc... they just do them. Y’all need to do the same. It’s not that serious... natural hair is time consuming all races of women do things to their hair to make it more manageable or pleasing to them.
 

vantablaque

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I feel you. My hair was long but I stupidly decided to relax in high school. Since then I haven’t seen any growth or thickness.
I am hoping it gets back to its natural state soon. Literally.

I think it’s a preference the individual should decide on. Some people can handle their natural hair. Some can’t but I don’t think ppl should just give up because it’s easier. The cost is about the same it’s just the management.

I dont agree that “it’s just hair” tho. If it was just hair we wouldn’t work so hard on trying to find the fit for ourselves. If that makes sense.
 

Shhhhhhhhhhh

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Thank YOUUUU!!!

I was natural for 10 years and never felt pretty. Hair styles were always a fail despite spending endless hours finger detangling, stretching, YouTube tutorials, twisting, etc. My hair wouldn’t grow past ear length. I was spending tons of money trying out curling creams, custards, co-washes, this and that. I didn’t feel cute or attractive. I started keeping my hair in two strand twists because it worked better for my lifestyle and that was also the prep style for my twist outs. Those two strand twists turned into locs.

I locked my hair up 10 years in. I found my look. I feel confident. Bad hair days don’t exist. I see myself cutting my locs after I reach a few goals maybe when I’m 50 and get a relaxer. I love a good doobie roller set from the 2000’s with a clean neckline.


Natural hair is not Bible. Be honest with yourself. If after a few years in your hair isn’t growing, thriving etc then change it up. You should not be fussing, fighting, and doing the most with your hair just to say you are natural. Relaxed hair is not evil either. Some hair nazi’s are so anti-chemical but still put trash in their body when they drink Hennessy and smash raw.
 

DrippingCrystal

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Even though I have a lot of hair (dense), it’s fine, very tight and not long (big) in its natural state. I remember being natural since the 00s and being apart of the movement on nappturality and looking at others pics on fotki (I’m an OG) and waiting for my hair to form a big fat juicy fro or a long and lush twist out after a couple of years like other people were claiming. Like honestly women would have bra length hair after a couple of years after big chopping and it was so frustrating to me.

When I was relaxed my hair just stopped growing at a certain point, and I had scabs on my scalp. That’s what made me stop.

I tried flat ironing and being a semi straight natural and it killed my curls.

I tried letting it grow and always co washing and never using real shampoo.

i tried a texturizer which only made my hair more matted and tangled rather than loosen my coils.

and as of late I’ve gone real low almost bald, and am now rocking a twa after finally figuring out how to wash and go, which is STILL a hit or miss.

I will never have that gorgeous full Afro that 4c people are known for. I’m also different in that my hair is so fine, wash day is almost every day no matter the length Bc If I didn’t use water to style it it was going to stay tangled. Also it wasn’t long and tedious like others wash days. There are some pros but I’ll never have that cool healthy looking thick and full hair that so many women have in our community, and i can’t lie and say it doesn’t sting.

a lot of people talk about how they’d rather have any other hair besides 4c and I see them with the hair I want and the hair I’m willing to work with and am just amazed at how nothing is ever good enough sometimes.
 

OctoberBlu

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Up until about 2014, my hair was doing great, it was headed to waist length (the longest it ever was). I had been natural since 2006, I think. I had finally found products that worked, life was great. I got in a f*cked up relationship and my hair as never been the same. I guess is was the stress, but it was like the my hair changed on a molecular level. I’m working to try and get it back (Black Girl Curls is really, really helpful), but I’m tired. I would never go back to relaxers, they hurt. I am considering heat training and looking for the easiest method. I want to try those blow dry brushes.
 

Honey Love

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As a natural who has been contemplating relaxing for MONTHS this was the sign i needed. I have dealt with every single thing mentioned OP. Except my hair broke off so bad to the scalp and I am still struggling to get past SL as a natural. Going to get my lye relaxer and olaplex now so i can enjoy my summer
 

StormStokes

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Op I feel your pain. I’ve been natural a long time and my hair is fine and reacts to any type of humidity and heat. Also a lot of the styles my that were easier for me to style were not flattering for my face shape. . I’ve tried so many products and nothing helped it. I wanted to get a relaxer and a stylist told me not too because my hair is too fine. She suggested I just use a blow dryer and blow it straight. The problem is it doesn’t stay straight for long even when I use anti humectants .

Now I have nerve damage in my neck and back so I can’t get things like braids anyone (too much heaviness on my head and neck) and some days I have a lot of trouble styling my hair in basic ways like a bun. Working from home has been a godsend because I don’t have to do my hair but they are making us come back to the office and I have no idea what to do with my hair since I can’t style it/lay a wig and I don’t look good with short hair
 

prawnstar

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I understand thinking about relaxers, because you don't have to worry about so many things to the same degree--humidity, sweating your straightened hair out, getting it wet etc. However I'm with the fonts that say relaxers hurt! I don't know what it is but I can't trust a process that doesn't allow for any brushing or scratching 2 days in advance. I learned my lesson and refuse to have any burns going forward. However the process of having straight hair is something I like (not curly, not wavy, just straight hair. its so neutral). I love the look of locs and of 4c hair but I'm worried my hair won't grow back into that big, fluffy afro that I had years ago. After years of shaving my hair off annually, I've been growing it back but damn I'm starting to remember why I never wanted to deal with it in the first place. Having dense a** hair and being tender headed is not a vibe.
 

Yyj3578765

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This is exactly how I felt about my 5-6 y/o natural hair. Mostly, I hated the cut and I could never find a style that was comfortable for me. After dropping $$$ on wigs for years, I decided to loc my hair last year. If you are considering, I highly recommend doing some research! No shade to the relaxers, you gotta do what you gotta do.
 

yummyraspberry

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Felt the same way.
natural for about 8 years, barely moved past shoulder length.
Eventually understood hair density, porosity and used the right things (eg no oils, proper shampoo light leave ins) etc but found with fine 4c low-medium hair very prone to SSKs, shrinkage, I couldn’t manipulate my hair too much like other gurus, my hair didn’t have the volume/density they had so never looked thick (even with using hot water, blow drying etc).

daily moisture/water spraying a huge NO NO (instant shrinkage and tangles)

Braids/wigs/weaves thinned my hair even more and eroded my edges, didn’t like the look at hated the way black men made fun of black women for wearing such styles (didn’t like other races too who would compliment your fake hair or remark why black womens hair was so short)

cut my hair 3 times in the space of 6 months due to tangles, SSKs

Discovered late last year that my hair grew better when stretched, so started wearing my hair blow dry + flat iron - but having to flat iron nearly once a week starting breaking off my ends, took too long and simply wasn’t sustainable with my busy job/lifestyle.

Got a relaxer (Affirm is the number 1, it is the absolute BEST) 3 months ago and haven’t looked back since. Thick, healthy. All I do is shampoo + condition, blow dry, then keracare conditioning press (if I want a flatter moulded look, then foam wrap). That’s it. Everything done in 20mins. Hair looks so good!
 

ALTEREGO310

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I literally have been pondering back and forth about this. I have thick, 4b/c hair. I have not worn it how I like it (straight) in forever. It's always braided, wigged, or in a protective style. Why, cause my twists take forever to dry so I hardly do twistouts, and when I doooo get them to halfway act right, cause my crown is so dense the hair doesn't define how I want it to. I also have not had much retention. I moisturize, clip ends, don't use heat, heat protect, and everything else in the book. Yet it's only right past my shoulders (and it's been like 7-8 years). sh!t my baldhead lil sister hair grew longer than mine lol. Also I just want simplicity. I wanna workout with a ponytail and not look f'kd up afterwards, wash and roller set once a week, and just be able to throw it in a bun or something if I'm running late. Plus my fking edges are getting thinner and thinner. Ugh

I'm so tired of my natural hair.


I made a post on fb when I was initially pondering, and so many ppl had sh!t to say, and kinda talked me out of it, but it's MY HEAD and SELF ESTEEM/ CONFIDENCE. I went back to thinking of relaxing it last night. I'm now looking for a good (maybe old school) person here in Atl cause I wanna wear MY hair comfortably, while being happy.

I feel you op, I feel you!
 

SheSheWright

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I'm in a phase right now where I simply DON'T want to take care of my hair and natural hair requires that. But I have absolutely no interest in a relaxer. Aaaallll the memories tied to them are bad...hard pass.

Can you crochet a straight style?
 

Acrylics

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I have this thought legitimately every week (wash day) then I get a protective style lol. Honestly I think I will start getting it professionally straightened a lot more tho. My hair grows more when it’s straight (be it relaxed or just heat straightened) because there is way less tangling and SSKs.
 

Acrylics

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I'm in a phase right now where I simply DON'T want to take care of my hair and natural hair requires that. But I have absolutely no interest in a relaxer. Aaaallll the memories tied to them are bad...hard pass.

Can you crochet a straight style?

Yeah there are a couple YouTube tutorials on it, it’s a little trickier to make the part look as natural but it can be done!
 

Kylie Bunbury

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Brazilian keratin treatments are the way to go. So glad Iv'e discovered it, it's helped me maintain extreme length and cut out frizz. I no longer have to worry about my hair reverting to an afro when I step out in the humid Houston weather.
 

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