Quantcast

Husband has no resilience

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
My husband has no resilience at all. At first I thought he'd grow out of it or if his circumstances changed, or if he got more life experience he'd get a bit of perspective but he's still completely lacking in resilience.

He's got a new job and every time something small happens he panics, he's just had an argument with his parents which is now resolved and he told me his boss is looking into letting him take a couple of days for 'mental health'. He's not permanent yet and I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability.

I've tried a couple of times to tell him to work on his coping skills but I don't want to come across like one of those "mental health doesn't exist, buck up and put up" type people but at the same time I do wish he'd just learn to cope better because it's driving me up the wall. I've got a really hard job where if I fµck up people could die, so it's really difficult to spend all of my emotional energy working my job then at the end of it reassuring him when I'm secretly thinking that he needs to figure out how to manage his anxieties better. I just want to tell him not to take those 'mental health' days because he's going to end up running away and taking a break whenever he comes across hardship but every way I think about it in my head it comes across like i'm a big b!tch. Idk
 

YANAS

Team Owner
Joined
Oct 20, 2015
Messages
14,256
Reaction score
Reactions
100,845 2,130 227
108,216
Alleybux
4,565
He needs to look into counseling & journaling. Things are going to happen in life & it’s imperative to know how to cope. He won’t be a functional adult if he doesn’t learn how to cope. Don’t negate his feelings about the argument but he should also know that you have to put your game face on sometimes and cry on the way home especially if he’s a black man. Black people do not get the same passes that’s why it’s important we learn how to cope healthily (counseling, working out, journaling, meditating etc).
 

IrisOsiris

Last friday night
Joined
Jan 28, 2015
Messages
20,272
Reaction score
Reactions
101,863 3,302 3,198
110,006
Alleybux
248,067
My husband has no resilience at all. At first I thought he'd grow out of it or if his circumstances changed, or if he got more life experience he'd get a bit of perspective but he's still completely lacking in resilience.

He's got a new job and every time something small happens he panics, he's just had an argument with his parents which is now resolved and he told me his boss is looking into letting him take a couple of days for 'mental health'. He's not permanent yet and I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability.

I've tried a couple of times to tell him to work on his coping skills but I don't want to come across like one of those "mental health doesn't exist, buck up and put up" type people but at the same time I do wish he'd just learn to cope better because it's driving me up the wall. I've got a really hard job where if I fµck up people could die, so it's really difficult to spend all of my emotional energy working my job then at the end of it reassuring him when I'm secretly thinking that he needs to figure out how to manage his anxieties better. I just want to tell him not to take those 'mental health' days because he's going to end up running away and taking a break whenever he comes across hardship but every way I think about it in my head it comes across like i'm a big b!tch. Idk
If youre in a position to where you make enough for him to be able to take off from work then consider the possibility of him taking off enough time- maybe a few weeks- to get his mental health issues resolved with a professional. He maybe doesnt deal with stress well. And we are not all built the same. And he also maybe hasnt found the best fit job for him to thrive in. Given that flexibility he would probably be appreciative of you for understanding his struggles and challenges and working with him to better himself. Now only you know what kind of husband you have. If he is a generally motivated person then you wont have to worry about him ‘getting lazy’ and scheming to just not work. Trust your instincts in any case.
 

JasminaRege

Team Owner
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
5,086
Reaction score
Reactions
87,442 2,947 1,348
94,818
Alleybux
605,249
He's got a new job and every time something small happens he panics, he's just had an argument with his parents which is now resolved and he told me his boss is looking into letting him take a couple of days for 'mental health'. He's not permanent yet and I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability.

You just called your husband's mental health a liability to him making money. Just leave if you can't handle it and let him work on his issues, he obviously needs help. It's not about resilience.
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
You just called your husband's mental health a liability to him making money. Just leave if you can't handle it and let him work on his issues, he obviously needs help. It's not about resilience.


Thats not what I meant and you know it, don't twist my words. I obviously meant the EMPLOYER would see it as a liability. If he lost his job do you think his mental health would be fine?
 

JasminaRege

Team Owner
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
5,086
Reaction score
Reactions
87,442 2,947 1,348
94,818
Alleybux
605,249
Thats not what I meant and you know it, don't twist my words. I obviously meant the EMPLOYER would see it as a liability. If he lost his job do you think his mental health would be fine?

His employer is the one who offered him time off for his mental health. You're the one who called it a liability.
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
If youre in a position to where you make enough for him to be able to take off from work then consider the possibility of him taking off enough time- maybe a few weeks- to get his mental health issues resolved with a professional. He maybe doesnt deal with stress well. And we are not all built the same. And he also maybe hasnt found the best fit job for him to thrive in. Given that flexibility he would probably be appreciative of you for understanding his struggles and challenges and working with him to better himself. Now only you know what kind of husband you have. If he is a generally motivated person then you wont have to worry about him ‘getting lazy’ and scheming to just not work. Trust your instincts in any case.
He needs to look into counseling & journaling. Things are going to happen in life & it’s imperative to know how to cope. He won’t be a functional adult if he doesn’t learn how to cope. Don’t negate his feelings about the argument but he should also know that you have to put your game face on sometimes and cry on the way home especially if he’s a black man. Black people do not get the same passes that’s why it’s important we learn how to cope healthily (counseling, working out, journaling, meditating etc).
I asked him to get therapy and he's trying to get it sorted now. The company offer it anonymously and they don't even tell HR. He's Asian and the company is very very white, they're the type that does implicit bias training to look good on the face of it but will mispronounce your name because they don't bother to learn it.

Thanks, that's validating to hear I'm not just being too harsh but at the same time I do need to step up and help him out while he's struggling. Just trying to figure out how to strike a balance between checking him into reality and giving him the space and compassion to talk about what's going on in his head.
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
His employer is the one who offered him time off for his mental health. You're the one who called it a liability.
"I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability"

We live in a sh!tty capitalist society where companies will cut you loose for not working until 7pm every day. Of course I'm worried that he might lose his job. Likely for an employer to say on the face of it that they support mental health then choose not to renew your contract in the same breath.
 

ilikebeer12345

Team Owner
Joined
May 28, 2019
Messages
12,012
Reaction score
Reactions
38,240 3,219 2,744
42,732
Alleybux
33,035
My husband has no resilience at all. At first I thought he'd grow out of it or if his circumstances changed, or if he got more life experience he'd get a bit of perspective but he's still completely lacking in resilience.

He's got a new job and every time something small happens he panics, he's just had an argument with his parents which is now resolved and he told me his boss is looking into letting him take a couple of days for 'mental health'. He's not permanent yet and I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability.

I've tried a couple of times to tell him to work on his coping skills but I don't want to come across like one of those "mental health doesn't exist, buck up and put up" type people but at the same time I do wish he'd just learn to cope better because it's driving me up the wall. I've got a really hard job where if I fµck up people could die, so it's really difficult to spend all of my emotional energy working my job then at the end of it reassuring him when I'm secretly thinking that he needs to figure out how to manage his anxieties better. I just want to tell him not to take those 'mental health' days because he's going to end up running away and taking a break whenever he comes across hardship but every way I think about it in my head it comes across like i'm a big b!tch. Idk
U didn’t know this BEFORE you married the man ?
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
Why are you assuming their age ? They could be in their mid 40s for all we know .
I'm OP. We met when we were young. I would have married him anyway and I'd marry him tomorrow. He's the love of my life and he's wonderful in so many ways, but he's going through some sh!t now and I'm trying to figure out how to approach it whilst also keeping him in reality. He's not lazy he's just coming across a bit naive now and like he's struggling to cope with normal life stuff, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with it because I care about him, but I also care about myself and if I'm having difficult thoughts then it's good to air them out, no?
 

hellonurse!

Adm1n put me on timeout for shipping Taylor Travis
Joined
Nov 29, 2009
Messages
6,127
Reaction score
Reactions
48,690 1,921 1,517
50,754
Alleybux
611,356
If youre in a position to where you make enough for him to be able to take off from work then consider the possibility of him taking off enough time- maybe a few weeks- to get his mental health issues resolved with a professional. He maybe doesnt deal with stress well. And we are not all built the same. And he also maybe hasnt found the best fit job for him to thrive in. Given that flexibility he would probably be appreciative of you for understanding his struggles and challenges and working with him to better himself. Now only you know what kind of husband you have. If he is a generally motivated person then you wont have to worry about him ‘getting lazy’ and scheming to just not work. Trust your instincts in any case.


I agree. He has to first develop effective coping strategies before you count him out or give up. No one is born with these skills, and others will adopt them over time with patience and experience.

Keep fostering his emotional development and being his support system. It's difficult to find respite in this situation, and at times you too may need your own "mental health day" to give yourself a break from him. But the fact that he's willing to share and vent his frustrations, as well as recognize that he may need time to step away is already a sign of emotional maturity. Some people resort to misplaced aggression...
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
I agree. He has to first develop effective coping strategies before you count him out or give up. No one is born with these skills, and others will adopt them over time with patience and experience.

Keep fostering his emotional development and being his support system. It's difficult to find respite in this situation, and at times you too may need your own "mental health day" to give yourself a break from him. But the fact that he's willing to share and vent his frustrations, as well as recognize that he may need time to step away is already a sign of emotional maturity. Some people resort to misplaced aggression...
Thank you, I just directly told him to sort out counselling and he called them and booked it in. They get you in within three days!! I'll admit the passive aggression has come out once or twice but I'll try to manage myself and to get distance when I need to as well. It looks like we need to proceed with a lot of intention to help him recover and build the skills. I appreciate it
 

Cakeums

Team Owner
Joined
Jan 4, 2016
Messages
9,349
Reaction score
Reactions
158,427 2,905 1,709
165,592
Alleybux
293,304
Get him into therapy ASAP. Be supportive one he goes. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day once he starts.
 

THE STANDARD

GTFO!
Joined
Mar 5, 2012
Messages
55,523
Reaction score
Reactions
263,489 7,022 6,890
271,624
Alleybux
643,450
He’s probably been babied, sheltered and coddled his whole life. Girl good luck. LSA isn’t the best place to seek advice, lots of mentally ill folks out in these streets.
But resilience doesn’t start overnight. He might need therapy to cope with whatever he has going on but if it’s a character issue, it’ll take experiences and going through challenges to become resilient.....
Good luck...
 

Out2Lunch215

I'm not chocolate; I'm chestnut brown
Joined
Apr 7, 2017
Messages
11,508
Reaction score
Reactions
115,238 5,213 4,713
118,745
Alleybux
376,626
1. Coping skills don't sound like the issue. He's coping. He 's just coping with things differently than you would and you don't know how to handle it.

2. If he is experiencing stress and anxiety, you aren't helping by trying to fix him. In fact, you are probably making it worse.

3. Resilience is a value some people have and other don't. You don't develop it later in life.
 
Last edited:

BluePoisonIvy

Team Owner
Joined
Aug 24, 2012
Messages
21,856
Reaction score
Reactions
213,372 8,148 4,723
223,187
Alleybux
67,500
"I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability"

We live in a sh!tty capitalist society where companies will cut you loose for not working until 7pm every day. Of course I'm worried that he might lose his job. Likely for an employer to say on the face of it that they support mental health then choose not to renew your contract in the same breath.
If he loses his job, then maybe that would be the wake-up call that he needs to get his stuff together. No job is going to be coddling a grown man with mental issues---he's being paid to do a job.

Where you aware of these issues before marriage? This does not sound like a "quick fix" but something that may take a long time to turn around, if he's able to do it. Not being able to cope and having meltdowns over the slightest thing is not something that can be fixed over night or with a pill.

So the question becomes can you deal with it and everything that comes with it? And how will this continue to impact YOUR life, money, and peace of mind?
 

Ilurkedforyears

I have lurked on this site for years.
Joined
Jul 28, 2014
Messages
5,156
Reaction score
Reactions
20,282 748 250
21,738
Alleybux
1,116,604
My husband has no resilience at all. At first I thought he'd grow out of it or if his circumstances changed, or if he got more life experience he'd get a bit of perspective but he's still completely lacking in resilience.

He's got a new job and every time something small happens he panics, he's just had an argument with his parents which is now resolved and he told me his boss is looking into letting him take a couple of days for 'mental health'. He's not permanent yet and I'm worried they're not going to make him permanent because of the liability.

I've tried a couple of times to tell him to work on his coping skills but I don't want to come across like one of those "mental health doesn't exist, buck up and put up" type people but at the same time I do wish he'd just learn to cope better because it's driving me up the wall. I've got a really hard job where if I fµck up people could die, so it's really difficult to spend all of my emotional energy working my job then at the end of it reassuring him when I'm secretly thinking that he needs to figure out how to manage his anxieties better. I just want to tell him not to take those 'mental health' days because he's going to end up running away and taking a break whenever he comes across hardship but every way I think about it in my head it comes across like i'm a big b!tch. Idk


Suggest therapy. This may help him.
 

Lord Manderly

Frey Pies On Da House
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,000
Reaction score
Reactions
29,558 798 166
30,371
Alleybux
246,526
I asked him to get therapy and he's trying to get it sorted now. The company offer it anonymously and they don't even tell HR. He's Asian and the company is very very white, they're the type that does implicit bias training to look good on the face of it but will mispronounce your name because they don't bother to learn it.

Thanks, that's validating to hear I'm not just being too harsh but at the same time I do need to step up and help him out while he's struggling. Just trying to figure out how to strike a balance between checking him into reality and giving him the space and compassion to talk about what's going on in his head.

Does he have helicopter/tiger parents? The children of these types usually struggle in the work place. He definitely needs to see a professional. Is she reliant on his parents in any way?
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
He’s probably been babied, sheltered and coddled his whole life. Girl good luck. LSA isn’t the best place to seek advice, lots of mentally ill folks out in these streets.
But resilience doesn’t start overnight. He might need therapy to cope with whatever he has going on but if it’s a character issue, it’ll take experiences and going through challenges to become resilient.....
Good luck...
You're not wrong. Imagine telling someone to get a divorce over this. I'm not getting divorced to the man I love and made vows to because of a bump in the road. Marriage means something to me. Thanks for the honest advice
 

Est Gee

Team Owner
Joined
Apr 29, 2013
Messages
19,254
Reaction score
Reactions
102,027 4,792 1,936
111,201
Alleybux
33,400
Was he fired prior to getting this new job? You mention him getting attacks when small things happen at work. A lot of people don't realize but when you get fired some people experience PTSD.

Also he shouldn't have told his boss/HR anything about mental health they do not care.

I'm glad the therapy session is scheduled.

You are doing enough there is nothing else you could do. If you infringe any further you would be doing what his mother probably did to him which is how he got this way in the first place.

I also don't think this is divorce worthy but what happens after this will be so you should be careful.
 

Kingofkings

Bye Hoe
Joined
Nov 10, 2012
Messages
3,250
Reaction score
Reactions
15,865 251 386
17,261
Alleybux
17,777
Divorce him. He's going to hold you back.

Resilience is a key character trait that a husband needs to have.

SMH.

And this OP is why you should never come to LSA with your problems. These people will have you leaving your husband (someone you'd marry again tomorrow) because he's having a rough time right now. He needs stress management/coping skills, not a divorce.

Hopefully you take the negativity with a grain of salt. Get your husband into therapy, maybe even go together some sessions to specifically tackle this issue. You're a team and y'all got this.
 

SerafinaCyan

On timeout 4 correcting Xenophobic Misogynists
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
25,079
Reaction score
Reactions
131,145 4,876 2,151
134,469
Alleybux
115,508
SMH.

And this OP is why you should never come to LSA with your problems. These people will have you leaving your husband (someone you'd marry again tomorrow) because he's having a rough time right now. He needs stress management/coping skills, not a divorce.

Hopefully you take the negativity with a grain of salt. Get your husband into therapy, maybe even go together some sessions to specifically tackle this issue. You're a team and y'all got this.

So she should play the mother role and get him the counseling he needs? Lol

Hey, if yall want the stress if dealing with broken men, have at it!

It's not me having sleepless nights lol
 

SuccessfullyMe

Team Owner
Joined
Nov 6, 2017
Messages
23,281
Reaction score
Reactions
238,527 6,659 3,637
249,487
Alleybux
66,253
If he loses his job, then maybe that would be the wake-up call that he needs to get his stuff together. No job is going to be coddling a grown man with mental issues---he's being paid to do a job.

Where you aware of these issues before marriage? This does not sound like a "quick fix" but something that may take a long time to turn around, if he's able to do it. Not being able to cope and having meltdowns over the slightest thing is not something that can be fixed over night or with a pill.

So the question becomes can you deal with it and everything that comes with it? And how will this continue to impact YOUR life, money, and peace of mind?

Losing your job is never a wake up call. It just causes someone to spiral more when they are having issues mentally. It also puts more stress on OP and she states that she is stressed due to the nature of her job.

I do agree that these issues do not sound new, but hopefully OP's husband is able to get the help he needs. Rooting for him. I think even tho OP's husband is Asian, he has the same issue as Black men when it comes to not expressing himself but has the added issue of going with what his parents want. OP hasn't explained fully what the issue is but it could have just been something that was cultural that doesn't seem like a big deal on paper.
 

Spanxy

The sun is coming.
Joined
Feb 5, 2018
Messages
5,981
Reaction score
Reactions
53,033 4,251 2,701
55,588
Alleybux
8,000
You're already married, so to relieve some of the pressure he's creating for you, send him to a therapist.

How old are you both? Are you full black?
 

Amandabby22

Team Owner
Joined
Mar 16, 2014
Messages
23,001
Reaction score
Reactions
424,279 10,587 6,680
457,140
Alleybux
796,400
You're not wrong. Imagine telling someone to get a divorce over this. I'm not getting divorced to the man I love and made vows to because of a bump in the road. Marriage means something to me. Thanks for the honest advice

Then you’re going to have to suck it up and have patience with him. Those are the options.. you either work with him & support your husband through this rough patch or you leave him.
 

WhewChileTheJello

Leftest Mafia Mama
Joined
Sep 3, 2018
Messages
9,158
Reaction score
Reactions
126,174 2,056 548
144,133
Alleybux
278,011
I think you are absolutely right to feel nervous about it. If this was a permanent job and he was eligible for FMLA so he can ensure his days are protected it would be different but with a temp or contracting position folks act funny.

If his relationship with his parents are a source of contention then hopefully his therapist helps him with setting boundaries. Men have a more difficult time with that. Many a marriage has ended over a man’s sh!tty ass family dynamic.

Good luck to you guys
 

Kingofkings

Bye Hoe
Joined
Nov 10, 2012
Messages
3,250
Reaction score
Reactions
15,865 251 386
17,261
Alleybux
17,777
So she should play the mother role and get him the counseling he needs? Lol

Hey, if yall want the stress if dealing with broken men, have at it!

It's not me having sleepless nights lol

No, not be his mother, be his partner. A LARGE percentage of us leave home missing some of the life skills we need in the real world, because our parents didn't have the skills. Going to therapy is where acknowledgment, accountability, and personal growth come into play. Some of the sh!t I've learned to address in therapy, I can STILL pinpoint in family members when I go home to visit family. There's never a point where you just stop learning and have it all together chile.

Your man might not have these issues, but I guarantee he'll have something else keeping your ass up at night at some point lol.
 

Catalyst

Queen of Icy- Duchess of Drip
Joined
Jul 13, 2014
Messages
14,495
Reaction score
Reactions
133,225 1,551 710
146,992
Alleybux
647,844
You're not wrong. Imagine telling someone to get a divorce over this. I'm not getting divorced to the man I love and made vows to because of a bump in the road. Marriage means something to me. Thanks for the honest advice
This is nice to see, especially with every response to the slightest of disputes being "Girl RUN!"

You've gotten great advice up here about suggesting counseling and I see he's going for it. Good for him and good for you realizing that although you have reservations on his actions you know you still have to be supportive and not downplay his emotions. Thank goodness he seems to have a great support system in you! I hope he returns the favor to you as well when needed :)
 

incogneato

No face, no case.
Joined
Jan 10, 2008
Messages
396,405
Reaction score
Reactions
2,689,530 494,987 222,873
2,889,447
Alleybux
667,824
SMH.

And this OP is why you should never come to LSA with your problems. These people will have you leaving your husband (someone you'd marry again tomorrow) because he's having a rough time right now. He needs stress management/coping skills, not a divorce.

Hopefully you take the negativity with a grain of salt. Get your husband into therapy, maybe even go together some sessions to specifically tackle this issue. You're a team and y'all got this.

Thanks, there is good advice in the mess including yours :LOL:
 

Sly Kitty

General Manager
Joined
May 30, 2017
Messages
3,380
Reaction score
Reactions
53,751 936 115
79,945
Alleybux
121,968
Was he fired prior to getting this new job? You mention him getting attacks when small things happen at work. A lot of people don't realize but when you get fired some people experience PTSD.

I wonder this as well!

Did something happen to kill his confidence with the end result being anxiety with every move he makes at his new job?
 

leejeans

General Manager
Joined
Feb 7, 2010
Messages
2,325
Reaction score
Reactions
15,690 709 705
15,143
Alleybux
288,112
The tone of this thread is fairly nice and supportive. If hubby was black... lawd, the insults that would follow...

In any event, it sounds like you have the compassion and commitment to your marriage to work through this. Talk to a PROFESSIONAL not LSA and get the tools you need to cope and support your husband.

Good luck.
 

LLJ

Team Owner
Joined
Sep 25, 2013
Messages
6,273
Reaction score
Reactions
51,721 2,265 1,459
54,191
Alleybux
938,029
I'm exhausted just reading that. I can't stand men with such weaknesses. Life is hard as hell I need to know dude can G up.
Send him to a therapist and if you ain't got kids, start making an exit plan.
Those whiny, non-resilient genes are exactly what he will breed. Imagine your life with whiny kids and a whiny husband all looking to you to be that rock.
You know what... fake your death.
 
Last edited:

Similar Threads

The Culture

News Alley

Ask LSA

Top Bottom