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I don’t know why I always have to make the most effort with friends

incogneato

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Idk if it’s my personality or something that I’m doing wrong...but I stay attracting friends that don’t care to talk or keep in touch until I hit them first and/or invite them out somewhere. I only have 1 friend (that doesn’t even live in the same city as me unfortunately- she’s a childhood friend from my hometown) that will call me/text from time to time, the rest will just stay mute until I talk to them. It makes me feel a little frustrated that I always have to make more effort to keep friendships alive. It’s strange because these friends in question are always up to hang out when I invite them and we have a good time when we do.

Ever since I moved to a new city in high school all of the friends I have made have been like this tbh. So when we would stop seeing each other everyday the friendships would eventually die and we would drift apart bc I would get tired of the one sidedness and feeling like a beg.

I want to make more friends that are willing to put in more effort but I don’t know where to begin. Especially now that I’ve graduated college and we’re in a pandemic. Has anyone been in this situation and how did you get out of it? I’m 23 if that matters
 

VersacePrincess

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Idk if it’s my personality or something that I’m doing wrong...but I stay attracting friends that don’t care to talk or keep in touch until I hit them first and/or invite them out somewhere. I only have 1 friend (that doesn’t even live in the same city as me unfortunately- she’s a childhood friend from my hometown) that will call me/text from time to time, the rest will just stay mute until I talk to them. It makes me feel a little frustrated that I always have to make more effort to keep friendships alive. It’s strange because these friends in question are always up to hang out when I invite them and we have a good time when we do.

Ever since I moved to a new city in high school all of the friends I have made have been like this tbh. So when we would stop seeing each other everyday the friendships would eventually die and we would drift apart bc I would get tired of the one sidedness and feeling like a beg.

I want to make more friends that are willing to put in more effort but I don’t know where to begin. Especially now that I’ve graduated college and we’re in a pandemic. Has anyone been in this situation and how did you get out of it? I’m 23 if that matters
Girl this isn't what you wanna hear. I'm going on 27 and honestly all you will need is a small group of friends. 1 great loyal friend is worth the weight of 25 friends. When you get to my age sh!t gonna get real and you gonna see your priorities shift when it comes to friends cause friendship for aesthetic and the sake of having them won't matter nor be a damn option anymore.

The easiest way to make friends is work. Yes, I mentioned dating at work from another thread which you have to excerise tact with as well, but honestly as you change jobs if you get close with co workers you may end up with 1 good solid friend. I made many white friends over the years online but always end up cutting them off cause I just can't sustain long term friendships with YT folks most of the time.

The people you are hurt about were never your true friends. Also we live in a world now where ghosting and leaving people in the dust is promoted. Back in the day folks actually true their best to keep contact. You may want to attend conventions, lectures / conferences (even if you have to pay a ticket to get in) if you can afford it become a regular at a shop or store and slowly develop a speaking level with a cashier or associate until it turns to friendship. Its VERY VERY rare but some folks on Tinder and other sites aren't truly there for dating and more so friendship (but 98% of the guys will take xes if they can).

IDK what else to tell you sis.
Refer to the app dating patterns thread. I posted that the norm is for people to be super glued into their phones and tech with little social interaction as possible, resulting in folks appearing stand offish. You need to be honest about whether or not you have a personality that is okay with initiating small talk and asking people you don't know well to hangout.

I think most sport events that are open are season ticket holders for now but attend open stuff like that and sit next to people who don't seem entirely glued in and stand offish as sports is a good way to talk to strangers.

figure out what people your age are doing and observe your peers. Take notes and try it unless they drinking or something. I truly have 2 good solid friends and I'm happy with that. I'm okay with it. I don't want to get a ton of WTFs or scare you OP but listen...

Friends are mainly useful as Tools when you get older to some small degree. I.E Advice, emotional / brief support financially through advice and shared resource links, emergency contacts and help etc.

Everyone needs at least 1 good friend but half the people you make as "friends" today won't be your long term friends when you turn 28-30. It sounds like you want long term friends so try your best to find people like yourself and go the extra mile.
 

Maxine

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You’re 23, I remember being in the same position once. Early 20s has lots of big transitions, I think you’re just now finding some form of social rhythm and should start compartmentalizing people into certain groups. Some people are for clubbing, bars, concerts. Others can be for more intimate outings. And the rare few will be those in your inner most circle. Accepting that helped me tremendous and at 27 years old I can confidently say that even as an extrovert, I’m 100% okay with where I’m at with my friends. I hope you can get to that point too! And I have a feeling that you’ll be surprised with what you learn about yourself. Extend some patience to yourself.
 

VersacePrincess

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Also OP so long as you are safe and wise about how you carry yourself with folks on the internet, give Omegle a try. Yes this is practically the "stupidest" and funniest advice I could give but you may find an internet friend there. I see from a clip they have a video chat feature now so have that option if the convo gets far enough and you want to go further. Its an app / site for people to talk to strangers. You type in what your interest or keywords are in what you want to talk about the a random person gets pinged to chat with you.
 

RoseAndThorn

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Also OP so long as you are safe and wise about how you carry yourself with folks on the internet, give Omegle a try. Yes this is practically the "stupidest" and funniest advice I could give but you may find an internet friend there. I see from a clip they have a video chat feature now so have that option if the convo gets far enough and you want to go further. Its an app / site for people to talk to strangers. You type in what your interest or keywords are in what you want to talk about the a random person gets pinged to chat with you.
Lmao she has better chances finding a friend on here than on Omegle.
 

Nameless4

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That happen to me but Honestly you won’t end up with the same friends you started with and thats okay. Maybe you value the friendship more than they do. Sometimes people don’t even know how to be a friend. As you get older you are going to meet new people and outgrow them and you’ll be lucky to keep one friend from grade school. Thats just life, friends come and go.
 

Putinbiebs

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As you grow up and continue to push through life you will learn that you don’t need friends in your life. Most of it’s stupid drama and dead weight. I don’t have trust in anyone but family.
 

ItsCookieC.

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It’s not just you, OP. Trying to build solid friendships with women is tricky. And men aren’t even an option. This is especially true as you get older.

There are too many dynamics that ruin bonding between women. Like insecurity, competitiveness, jealousy, different priorities, the male gaze, etc.

I’ve had challenges making female friends simply because of my lifestyle choices. I’m voluntarily child-free and single. Most women are not at my age. So I’ve encountered that many don’t feel comfortable or confident enough to be around a woman that lives on my terms.

I hold friendships in high regard. Higher regard than romantic relationships because those come and go. But friendships should be treated like investments. I don’t meet too many women that feel the same, though.
 

herbalmintea

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OP not to be negative but most people you will meet in your life will not be your long term friends. You're lucky if you have 1 long term friend. I used to go through exactly what you were going through and at some point I said enough was enough and cut those people off. They were toxic anyway. You should view everyone you meet as an associate and if they're willing to work to be your friend, then let it happen organically. I have a bunch of acquaintances but not friends and I'm okay with that.
 

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