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I hide my boyfriend from the world and it's been killing me

incogneato

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Hi LSA! I need advice on this situation that I have been in for the past year. I met my boyfriend over a year ago by random chance. To preface, I am incredibly shy and this young man approached me clearly knowing what my religion is. I wear a hijab and he still pursued me. And we have been together ever since.

He's Black American and I am a Black Muslim. We are from two different worlds. My problem is more so my culture. I come from a background that is insular and judgemental. My family has never met my boyfriend. I hate to say this, but I know I would be disowned if I ever brought him over.

In the early stages of our relationship we would go out to the mall and movies and literally the stares we would get from my people made me so incredibly anxious and nervous to the point of throwing up. Even my boyfriend was amazed and didn't understand why all these people were looking at us.

I had to explain to him the situation and he understands it now. He's ok but I am not. This is not a life to live. Where we can only be normal when I am at his house.

I love this man so much and want to be his wife. I know if this were reversed I wouldn't be ok with my man hiding me. But he is which kills my heart. I feel like I am wasting his youth and life. I am 21 and he's 24.

I spent last night with him in tears. You guys do not understand how ruthless and cold-hearted my people can be. The stares are horrible, but it's the judgment and evil things people say that get to me. My boyfriend said to me why don't you just take off the hijab then you can look like a regular Black girl. But it's not that easy. My faith is very important to me. And even without my hijab my people will still clock me.

Any advice?
 

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You're old enough to make your own choices...sometimes you have to have a backbone for what you really want. How far are you willing to let others dictate your life?
 

incogneato

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You're old enough to make your own choices...sometimes you have to have a backbone for what you really want. How far are you willing to let others dictate your life?

True. I live with my parents though and their opinions and the opinions of my community weigh heavily on me. It's incredibly hard to not allow people's opinions affect me. I am working hard on it though, Thanks.
 

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Look , I'm not gonna sugar coat any of what I'm about to say to you

You're a grown ass woman !! You're old enough to make your own decisions . At the end of the day it's your life and your own choices . Stop living your life for other people . Put your big girl draws on and make a move !! Cut the bull sh!t !!
 
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CountingStars

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True. I live with my parents though and their opinions and the opinions of my community weigh heavily on me. It's incredibly hard to not allow people's opinions affect me. I am working hard on it though, Thanks.

Have you spoken to him about any of this? What type of a man is he? Traditional/conservative in some ways as well? Is there a way you can bridge the gap between him and your family? Sit down to show them you two have a plan and he's not wasting your time?

He may not be your future man and only Mr. Right now.
 

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Hi LSA! I need advice on this situation that I have been in for the past year. I met my boyfriend over a year ago by random chance. To preface, I am incredibly shy and this young man approached me clearly knowing what my religion is. I wear a hijab and he still pursued me. And we have been together ever since.

He's Black American and I am a Black Muslim. We are from two different worlds. My problem is more so my culture. I come from a background that is insular and judgemental. My family has never met my boyfriend. I hate to say this, but I know I would be disowned if I ever brought him over.

In the early stages of our relationship we would go out to the mall and movies and literally the stares we would get from my people made me so incredibly anxious and nervous to the point of throwing up. Even my boyfriend was amazed and didn't understand why all these people were looking at us.

I had to explain to him the situation and he understands it now. He's ok but I am not. This is not a life to live. Where we can only be normal when I am at his house.

I love this man so much and want to be his wife. I know if this were reversed I wouldn't be ok with my man hiding me. But he is which kills my heart. I feel like I am wasting his youth and life. I am 21 and he's 24.

I spent last night with him in tears. You guys do not understand how ruthless and cold-hearted my people can be. The stares are horrible, but it's the judgment and evil things people say that get to me. My boyfriend said to me why don't you just take off the hijab then you can look like a regular Black girl. But it's not that easy. My faith is very important to me. And even without my hijab my people will still clock me.

Any advice?

No offense but your boyfriend sounds like a fool and very ignorant. A “regular Black girl”?! Sorry but that already screams problems in the future. This ain’t it sis but good luck.

Also, shall I assume you’re perhaps Somali or Ethiopian?
 

incogneato

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Look , I'm not gonna sugar coat any of what I'm about to say to you

You're a grown ass woman !! You're old enough to make your own decisions . At the end of the day it's your life and your own choices . Stop living your life for other people . Put your big girl draws on and make a move !!

Thank you. Needed to hear this. I have to get my financial game up and when that happens I can maybe start seeing more clearly. I do live my life for others and it is something that I have to change.
 

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Thank you. Needed to hear this. I have to get my financial game up and when that happens I can maybe start seeing more clearly. I do live my life for others and it is something that I have to change.
You can't live your life for others . It's YOUR life . Your friends and family aren't dating him . You are and you have to do what's best for you . Even if it gets you in some trouble . You live and learn from mistakes . You fall , you get back up again . If this is what you really want - go and do it . And don't wait another day bc tomorrow isn't guaranteed
 

incogneato

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Have you spoken to him about any of this? What type of a man is he? Traditional/conservative in some ways as well? Is there a way you can bridge the gap between him and your family? Sit down to show them you two have a plan and he's not wasting your time?

He may not be your future man and only Mr. Right now.

He's Protestant and not highly religious. He believes in God but doesn't go to Church. I would say he's traditional as well. I feel like he could be my future, I don't know. He's my first boyfriend and first everything. He loves me even though I hide him. He has never met my family though I will try and discuss all the points you made. Thank you for your advice!
 

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My boyfriend said to me why don't you just take off the hijab then you can look like a regular Black girl.

Never compromise who you are and what you believe in just to please others.

You two shouldn't care about what other people think, who care's if they stare.

If you're thinking of marrying him, it will be best to introduce him to your siblings first (if you have any) then your least strict parent and go on from there.

Edit: Spelling errors.

I'm Muslim myself and I know it not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a non Muslim, is he willing to convert?

Edit 2: Lool why am I getting groaned? Is there anything wrong with what I said?
 
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Youre grown and youll make it. If you want to be with him, do it. Your parents might be upset but who cares?
 

incogneato

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No offense but your boyfriend sounds like a fool and very ignorant. A “regular Black girl”?! Sorry but that already screams problems in the future. This ain’t it sis but good luck.

Also, shall I assume you’re perhaps Somali or Ethiopian?

He made that comment when I was in tears last night. I should have been celebrating Eid with him and my family and instead I had to cut it short with my fam and spend time with him. He truly cares about my mental health and sees how much I am hurting. And yes I am Somali. Thanks for the advice!
 

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Does he want to marry you? This is the biggest question bc (forgive me as I have not studied Islam in years) but it might be easier once you two are married. Right?

This is your first love so hopefully you aren't going in with rose colored glasses, but the two of you need to have a talk about your futures, families, and faith.
 

incogneato

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You can't live your life for others . It's YOUR life . Your friends and family aren't dating him . You are and you have to do what's best for you . Even if it gets you in some trouble . You live and learn from mistakes . You fall , you get back up again . If this is what you really want - go and do it . And don't wait another day bc tomorrow isn't guaranteed

Thank you. I have a lot of thinking to do.
 

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Op are you and your parents apart of the nation of Islam?

Im going to wait until you answer this question.



Hi LSA! I need advice on this situation that I have been in for the past year. I met my boyfriend over a year ago by random chance. To preface, I am incredibly shy and this young man approached me clearly knowing what my religion is. I wear a hijab and he still pursued me. And we have been together ever since.

He's Black American and I am a Black Muslim. We are from two different worlds. My problem is more so my culture. I come from a background that is insular and judgemental. My family has never met my boyfriend. I hate to say this, but I know I would be disowned if I ever brought him over.

In the early stages of our relationship we would go out to the mall and movies and literally the stares we would get from my people made me so incredibly anxious and nervous to the point of throwing up. Even my boyfriend was amazed and didn't understand why all these people were looking at us.

I had to explain to him the situation and he understands it now. He's ok but I am not. This is not a life to live. Where we can only be normal when I am at his house.

I love this man so much and want to be his wife. I know if this were reversed I wouldn't be ok with my man hiding me. But he is which kills my heart. I feel like I am wasting his youth and life. I am 21 and he's 24.

I spent last night with him in tears. You guys do not understand how ruthless and cold-hearted my people can be. The stares are horrible, but it's the judgment and evil things people say that get to me. My boyfriend said to me why don't you just take off the hijab then you can look like a regular Black girl. But it's not that easy. My faith is very important to me. And even without my hijab my people will still clock me.

Any advice?
 

incogneato

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Never compromise who you are and what you believe in just to please others.

You two shouldn't care about what other people think, whi care's if they stare.

If you're thinking of marrying him, it will be best to introduce him to your siblings first (if you have any) then your least struct parent and go on from there.

He doesn't care what people think at all. He actually constantly tells me lets's just go outside, holding hands and who cares what people think. It's me that is holding him back. I have no siblings btw it's just me, mom and dad. I have cousins though so maybe that could be a bridge. Thanks.
 

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I live in Minneapolis.
Yes, i can understand. But remember, u r in america, u can b muslim and date/marry whoever u want. Be whatwever religion u chose. U may have to leave ur family and b on ur on tho. Be prepared for that.
 

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He doesn't care what people think at all. He actually constantly tells me lets's just go outside, holding hands and who cares what people think. It's me that is holding him back. I have no siblings btw it's just me, mom and dad. I have cousins though so maybe that could be a bridge. Thanks.
Get an older cousin to have a word with your parents, it's gonna be hard but make sure you stick to you guns.
 

incogneato

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Does he want to marry you? This is the biggest question bc (forgive me as I have not studied Islam in years) but it might be easier once you two are married. Right?

This is your first love so hopefully you aren't going in with rose colored glasses, but the two of you need to have a talk about your futures, families, and faith.

He discusses marriage but we have so much growing up to do. I can't even walk with him in public. The actual thought makes me so nervous and scared. I have to work on my own confidence and self-esteem. Thank you though I have a lot to think about...
 

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Also, Im not understanding why people are staring at you two together? Wouldnt a black Muslim girl date a black Muslim man? How can you tell the difference between a black muslim man and a black Christian?
 

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I'm going to be as honest with you as I am with my nieces. And you are NOT going to like it, and like with them? I don't care.

Let's see here...

First boyfriend.
First "everything." doesn't go to Church or believe what you believe, thinks wearing a Hijab is stupid and why not just take the damn thing off and be normal?

You, my little butterfly, are living a fantasy. This isn't real. The love isn't real, there is no commitment. This is like playing at being a grownup. You're a child. And happy to remain one. Nothing wrong with that. Don't be in a hurry to grow up I say. But.

You're a "good Muslim girl" who has given her virginity to a man she's not only ashamed of but scared to bring home. And to be honest? If you abandoned your family for this man, has he spoken at all about taking care of you? Providing for you? Making you his WIFE the moment you're free? No? Just sexed you up? Just talked pretty words?

Child. Shaking my damn head at you.:sad

You're basically throwing away your whole life and everything you hold dear for a man who disrespected your beliefs to the point of taking your virginity, something that wasn't his to take, before offering you his protection.

Y'all need to break up and you need to wait till you meet someone you can't shut up about, not someone you have to HIDE. Hiding his hot, but in the end, it's stupid.

Romeo and Juliet KILLED THEMSELVES you know. NOT ROMANTIC.
 

incogneato

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Get an older cousin to have a word with your parents, it's gonna be hard but make sure you stick to you guns.

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. My older cousins are more liberal that my parents so maybe they can ease their concerns/questions. And to answer your question above, he talks about converting all the time. He sees a future in our relationship it's just this hurdle we have to get through.
 

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To preface, I am incredibly shy and this young man approached me clearly knowing what my religion is. I wear a hijab and he still pursued me.

I live in Minneapolis.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say he saw a shy, pretty Somali girl and chased her down.

The hijab wouldn't have stopped it because he probably liked the challenge and the fact you probably wouldn't know game.

*goes back to reading the thread*
 

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Yeesh that's the tough spot

Yall have only been together a year so it's still too early to say if this will last. I'd stay the course for now unless he's willing to commit long term I wouldnt reveal it to your parents. Its a hard thing to have to hide your love but you need to take the full measure of this man and make sure your religious differences (outside of your parents) arent an issue moving forward.
 

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Also, Im not understanding why people are staring at you two together? Wouldnt a black Muslim girl date a black Muslim man? How can you tell the difference between a black muslim man and a black Christian?

When I said people are staring I met more people from my culture staring at me in disgust and shame. Black Americans don't care at all. People from my ethnicity know who I am and when they look at my bf he clearly is not from my culture. Sorry for the confusion.
 

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I'm going to be as honest with you as I am with my nieces. And you are NOT going to like it, and like with them? I don't care.

Let's see here...

First boyfriend.
First "everything." doesn't go to Church or believe what you believe, thinks wearing a Hijab is stupid and why not just take the damn thing off and be normal?

You, my little butterfly, are living a fantasy. This isn't real. The love isn't real, there is no commitment. This is like playing at being a grownup. You're a child. And happy to remain one. Nothing wrong with that. Don't be in a hurry to grow up I say. But.

You're a "good Muslim girl" who has given her virginity to a man she's not only ashamed of but scared to bring home. And to be honest? If you abandoned your family for this man, has he spoken at all about taking care of you? Providing for you? Making you his WIFE the moment you're free? No? Just sexed you up? Just talked pretty words?

Child. Shaking my damn head at you.:sad

You're basically throwing away your whole life and everything you hold dear for a man who disrespected your beliefs to the point of taking your virginity, something that wasn't his to take, before offering you his protection.

Y'all need to break up and you need to wait till you meet someone you can't shut up about, not someone you have to HIDE. Hiding his hot, but in the end, it's stupid.

Romeo and Juliet KILLED THEMSELVES you know. NOT ROMANTIC.

I have to unpack all of this and I truly get where you are coming from. Yes, he is my first love and first everything. He does not think me wearing the hijab is stupid but more so that he thought that would be a solution to the pain I am going though. He's uniformed but has my best interests at heart. Your thoughts are incredibly valid and I will re-read what you have posted again and again. The part about "protection" has really gotten to me. Thank you.
 

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Op even though you are grown Please talk to your parents. The little bit that I do know about your culture is not cute (im so sorry) especially when it comes to a child that want to deal with a outsider. The parent can be off the chain.

All that sneaking around you and him are doing you don't want it to get back to your parents. Let me make sure I got this correct when it comes to dating or marriage your dad has to arrange or approve it right?

If you and your family live is a muslim community where if you get caught alot of that will fall on your parents.

Op if this is something that you want to do then get a job and moved out of your parents home.





I am not part of the Nation of Islam. I am a Sunni Muslim.
 

incogneato

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I'm going to hazard a guess and say he saw a shy, pretty Somali girl and chased her down.

The hijab wouldn't have stopped it because he probably liked the challenge and the fact you probably wouldn't know game.

*goes back to reading the thread*

Can you elaborate further? Are you saying that my bf saw a challenge in me being a Muslim girl and just wanted to take my virginity? If so, he is still here with me and discusses marriage and actually converting to Islam. So I don't think that is the case.
 
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I love this man so much and want to be his wife. I know if this were reversed I wouldn't be ok with my man hiding me. But he is which kills my heart. I feel like I am wasting his youth and life. I am 21 and he's 24.

You said it right there sis. Treat people how you want to be treated, and if your faith is that important to you find a man in that faith, being comfortable is a double edge sword yeah he brings you happiness, but you know exactly why you cant be with him. To be frank, you are wasting his youth and i know its too hard for you to fully admit to yourself so let me take the burden off you, THIS IS IMMATURE YOU CANT HAVE BOTH LET HIM GO, YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE IN YOUR FAITH ITS JUST GONNA TAKE TIME SO DONT STRING THAT MAN ALONG.
 

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It's a hard enough that he's a different culture but a non-Muslim? I hope he's worth losing family because there is no way they'll accept that.
 

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When I said people are staring I met more people from my culture staring at me in disgust and shame. Black Americans don't care at all. People from my ethnicity know who I am and when they look at my bf he clearly is not from my culture. Sorry for the confusion.
Why do your people hate black Americans?
 

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Sweetie Pie:

A man who LOVES YOU will want to PROTECT YOU and CARE FOR you. He cares if you have enough gas in your car, he cares if you ate today, and when his baby CRIES? He will move heaven and HELL to take down the S.O.B. who caused it.

What you have with this person isn't love, and should you abandon your beliefs for him, he will walk away.

If he had your best interests at heart he would MARRY YOU RIGHT NOW.

I think you two need to have the 'forever' talk right now. This is serious. You're considering basically leaving your religion for this man. You need to KNOW that he's in this for you, will BE there for you, will PROTECT you, MARRY you, etc.

I'm not feeling good about your chances here. He's gonna play you again. it's too soon, what's the rush, we need to/I need to get my stuff together first, etc. when you bring it up.

Get it over with. Have the talk. TO. DAY.
 

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Chile you best to tell her. That why I didn't go hardcore on her.

If she only know. She only 21 years of age. The stories I heard from my co-workers who are also apart of the culture when it comes to the daughters dating outsiders its so sad.

Op really need to ask herself is it worth it.



I'm going to be as honest with you as I am with my nieces. And you are NOT going to like it, and like with them? I don't care.

Let's see here...

First boyfriend.
First "everything." doesn't go to Church or believe what you believe, thinks wearing a Hijab is stupid and why not just take the damn thing off and be normal?

You, my little butterfly, are living a fantasy. This isn't real. The love isn't real, there is no commitment. This is like playing at being a grownup. You're a child. And happy to remain one. Nothing wrong with that. Don't be in a hurry to grow up I say. But.

You're a "good Muslim girl" who has given her virginity to a man she's not only ashamed of but scared to bring home. And to be honest? If you abandoned your family for this man, has he spoken at all about taking care of you? Providing for you? Making you his WIFE the moment you're free? No? Just sexed you up? Just talked pretty words?

Child. Shaking my damn head at you.:sad

You're basically throwing away your whole life and everything you hold dear for a man who disrespected your beliefs to the point of taking your virginity, something that wasn't his to take, before offering you his protection.

Y'all need to break up and you need to wait till you meet someone you can't shut up about, not someone you have to HIDE. Hiding his hot, but in the end, it's stupid.

Romeo and Juliet KILLED THEMSELVES you know. NOT ROMANTIC.
 

incogneato

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Op even though you are grown Please talk to your parents. The little bit that I do know about your culture is not cute (im so sorry) especially when it comes to a child that want to deal with a outsider. The parent can be off the chain.

All that sneaking around you and him are doing you don't want it to get back to your parents. Let me make sure I got this correct when it comes to dating or marriage your dad has to arrange or approve it right?

If you and your family live is a muslim community where if you get caught alot of that will fall on your parents.

Op if this is something that you want to do then get a job and moved out of your parents home.

Yes, the sneaking around part is killing my soul. All of this deception is taking a toll on us. My dad does not have to approve anything btw. As long as he is Muslim we can get married. Arranged marriages are not part of our culture. I have a job I just have move out of my parents home and get my own place and see if we can do this. Thanks for your advice!
 

incogneato

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Sweetie Pie:

A man who LOVES YOU will want to PROTECT YOU and CARE FOR you. He cares if you have enough gas in your car, he cares if you ate today, and when his baby CRIES? He will move heaven and HELL to take down the S.O.B. who caused it.

What you have with this person isn't love, and should you abandon your beliefs for him, he will walk away.

If he had your best interests at heart he would MARRY YOU RIGHT NOW.

I think you two need to have the 'forever' talk right now. This is serious. You're considering basically leaving your religion for this man. You need to KNOW that he's in this for you, will BE there for you, will PROTECT you, MARRY you, etc.

I'm not feeling good about your chances here. He's gonna play you again. it's too soon, what's the rush, we need to/I need to get my stuff together first, etc. when you bring it up.

Thank you. I truly really needed to hear this. Literally in tears reading what you wrote. I will have to take a step back and truly think about my relationship. Appreciate your kind words/advice, thank you for caring.

Get it over with. Have the talk. TO. DAY.
 

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