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incogneato

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I'm 20. I want to cut off my entire family because I am literally the black sheep of that family to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I know that I need to move out from that kind of environment but right now I am not financially able to do so. So I have to endure them. I do not have any friends. I am a loner. I gave up on friendships a long time ago. And I will definitely cut all of my relatives off when I do move out.

My African parents are just the worst thing I ever had in my life. They never showed me any love, affection or attention since I was a child. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. My father did not wanted me to be born. He slowly started to neglect me because of my academic achievements. I did not live up to his expectations so he told me that he's ashamed of me that I am a disgrace to the family. My mother is excessively abusive physically, emotionally and verbally and so is my father but my mother is worse. They used to beat me because it's apart of African culture and that's how their parents used to "discipline" them. I remember this one time when my mother took my head and knocked me out on a glass table then my sister knocked me out with her tennis racket. My father stood there and did nothing.

I have so much animosity towards my parents. They ruined, failed, destroyed me and turned me into a misanthrope. My mother thinks that she knows me because she's the one who gave birth to me but she does not know what's inside of my heart. What I went through. In fact, she knows nothing about me. My parents love to put me down and compare me to other people. When I had suicidal thoughts my entire family was mocking me. My younger siblings are so disrespectful towards me. My sister would encourage me to kill myself. Nobody in that family values me.

When I will have kids of my own I do not want my relatives near them. I do not want any of my relatives at my wedding. They will completely be out of my life. I am the only one who's got my back in this world. I have no friend or family to confide in, no support, no love.​
 

Lexonfiyah

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I’m so sorry that your family makes you feel that way. A lot of people shouldn’t have kids and don’t deserve them. And certainly a lot of families should teach their children to respect there children. It goes both ways!!! A lot of times families will only focus on one sibling respecting the other but not the siblings respecting EACH OTHER! It’s the same way when people have children. They teach there children to respect them but never wanna give that same respect back. We’re all living beings and should love, respect, and be kind to one another, at least families should!!! I don’t blame you for wanting to move far far away!!! I feel the same about my family a lot. And sibling abuse is a real thing that should be talked about more. I think you should create your own group of people that you love and appreciate, that do the same way to you. We could choose our family! As quiet as it’s kept...the full quote isn’t “Blood is thicker than water” it’s, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Meaning the people were by you when you suffered and needed them most and they actually supported you are the ones that care about you and the most closest to you. Not necessarily your blood family. Some people just don’t know how to love, doesn’t mean you’re not worth loving.
 

emptybubbles

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I pray you get out of there as soon as humanly possibly. Focus on your finances and don't be afraid to call the police on them and record them for proof of their abusive behavior. If it gets really bad (although it seems like it already has) there is always the option of going to a shelter, which might not sound ideal but it's better than being emotionally tormented and physically abused.
 

sweetfusion™

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Abuse is wrong and you don't deserve to be mistreated. The Bible speaks of "spare the rod, spoil the child" but it is also about guidance. Children are to respect their parents but God does not want for a child's spirit to be broken. Parents are suppposed to bring their children up in love. But a lot of parents forget this. Just because their parents were abusive does not make things okay. They passed down generational curses/trauma.

My advice for you is to:

- seek therapy for your childhood trauma. Check your insurance company, Open Path (30-80 dollars individual), BetterHelp and Talk Space. Virtual therapy is available.Get a therapist that has experience working with people with trauma. Also, dance therapy.

- If you are not able to do this right now, you can also begin with self help books that have been written by psychologist and relationship experts.

- Boundaries by Henry Cloud
- Safe People: How To Find Relationships That Are Good for You by Henry Cloud
- Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson
- Out Of The Maze? Spencer Johnson
- Whole Again: Healing Your Heart After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie
- The Deepest Well: Healing the Long Term Affects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Harris
- The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Cori
- Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
and others.
- Self Compassion by Kirsten Neff
- The Self Esteem Workbook for Women
(You can check your library and Amazon and other bookstores for these books/workbooks).

Also, since you are unable to move right now, make your room your place of peace.

Begin to develop a self care routine (mentally, emotionally) for yourself.
Do you have any hobbies? Maybe develop one or two that can bring you joy. Journal your feelings, learn to meditate (there is a meditation group on this site in the Health section), listen to positive music and etc and begin to heal.

Check out meetup.com to meet people who share the same hobbies as you.

Your feelings are valid, Op. Dont suffer in silence.
 
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Coco Campbell

Do Not Normalize Mistreatment
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African Culture is Soaked in Trauma and Toxic Patriarchy
I know this!
I worked in Africa for 2 years, I had African friends in college
And
I had an African supervisor and after all that I am very cautious.


Font did you go to college?
Do you live in the USA?

If not then enroll in college and allow your parents to pay for it.
And if school is not your thing then start with a 2-year associate degree at a community college
get a job and move out.


DO a 2 year LPN nursing, Dental Assistant, Bookkeeping, Chemical/Water Plant Operator, Cosmetology, Engineering Technology and after 2 years you can MOVE OUT and continue with the school if you desire.

OR

Go to a trade school and learn something

Become a flight attendant
Join the army, navy, or coast guard


DO Something!
Make a 2-year plan to move out and get to work!
By the way, complaining is not doing something
Go see a therapist if you are under your parent's insurance.
Get the mental support you need.


OR even

Go work at Amazon I heard they pay 15 dollars an hour
Dive uber, since uber will give you a car



You have to move out and move on with your life
BECAUSE
You are an adult and adults live on their own.
You will always be an adult living in arrested development.
If you continue to live with your abusive parents.

AND Most Importantly!
you can never heal in the same place that broke you.
 
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Coco Campbell

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If you live in Africa then find some way to move out and live on your own safely while exploring options for improving your mental health. Everyone in this thread gave great recommendations. You need to get money, move out and work on your mental health.
 

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