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Marriage seems hard to attain

GigiLaMoore

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Well, your thoughts will guide your choices. If you really feel that way then don't be surprised when life turns out that way. You are probably pretty young. Don't worry about that right now. Just focus on living as happily and peacefully as you can.
 

Lamorena96

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Why can't people just be in a healthy relationship that's not defined by the relationship elevator? I don't think that marriage is the highest form of a relationship. I'm not interested in being legally married. I just want a partner (or two or three) that I have strong bonds and feelings towards.
 
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Why can't people just be in a healthy relationship that's not defined by the relationship elevator? I don't think that marriage is the highest form of a relationship. I'm not interested in being legally married. I just want a partner (or two or three) that I have strong bonds and feelings towards.
To answer your question as to why people want to be on the “relationship elevator”: I know someone who is divorcing and who has to pay their partner four years of alimony. That’s the advantage, or disadvantage if you’re the high earner. Plus insurance, inheritance and tax benefits that are shared. And it’s harder to walk away without putting work into the relationship first—I think that’s a positive relationship incentive of legal partnership. Those are the advantages, depending on how you look at it.
 

Sojourner Truth

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I don’t want to ever get married, and I’ve expressed that to all the guys I’ve dated and still been proposed to twice. Lol. It’s very easy to attain, I think.
 

Pepper Potts

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It depends on what you're looking for really. If you have reasonable expectations and you're actively putting yourself out there to meet men, you can find someone and eventually marry. But if you never leave your house or if you're too picky, then you will struggle.

Most people meet their spouses at school, at work or through friends so that's something to bear in mind as well.
 

HustleModeOn

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And it’s harder to walk away without putting work into the relationship first—I think that’s a positive relationship incentive of legal partnership. Those are the advantages, depending on how you look at it.
Plus the legacy of it. Years from now when descendants research their genelogy it is much easier to find marriages and husbands and wives as opposed to baby mama's or girlfriends or friends with benefits.

What would have happened if MLK and Coretta just lived together without benefit of marriage? Malcolm X and Betty? Or Barack and Michelle Obama? or Beyonce and Jay Z? Marriage legalizes and dignifies the relationship.
 

LovingonMe1

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You’re trolling at this point. Reported.
Well I don't. My mother wasn't married. I only have one family member that was married and my adopted mom is divorced. My mother was a 5x5 babymama.

I don't have the best luck in reationships at all. Plenty of success in academics but my love life is awful.
 

Zahungscyn

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Well I don't. My mother wasn't married. I only have one family member that was married and my adopted mom is divorced. My mother was a 5x5 babymama.

I don't have the best luck in reationships at all. Plenty of success in academics but my love life is awful.
Please OP get therapy to come to terms with some things in life. I am a wife and became a wife very young with minimal effort, partially because that’s what my family expected of me (marriage and not cohabitation) and I wanted a certain lifestyle and knew I would achieve it best with a husband. I think you have a lot to unfold especially when you did not witness many functional relationships growing up. Marriage is attainable you just gotta find the guy who wants marriage and that means being intolerant, having boundaries, loving yourself so much that to allow someone in your life the person would really have to be worth it and also luck
 

LovingonMe1

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Please OP get therapy to come to terms with some things in life. I am a wife and became a wife very young with minimal effort, partially because that’s what my family expected of me (marriage and not cohabitation) and I wanted a certain lifestyle and knew I would achieve it best with a husband. I think you have a lot to unfold especially when you did not witness many functional relationships growing up. Marriage is attainable you just gotta find the guy who wants marriage and that means being intolerant, having boundaries, loving yourself so much that to allow someone in your life the person would really have to be worth it and also luck
I thought I was doing things right in my last relationship but he turned around and married someone else a few months after we split. It was depressing to find out considering that our goal was marriage.
 

jeonswifeu

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I understand how you feel. When I was a young girl I thought and expected to be married in my early 20s. Then I got to my older teen years and was exposed to all types of insecurities and felt I’d never be married. But now, I feel like I’m on the right track because I’m in a serious relationship.

Don’t give up hope! There are so many people on the planet and even just in your country. Your mate is out there somewhere, you just have to find them. That’s really the hardest part.
 

Madame St Clair

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I feel the same way sis. I'm in my 40's never married. I don't get asked out on dates or get even get glances in public. My parents were married, all my siblings, my nieces and nephews are married with children, and then there's.....me.
 

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Marriage is a market. Too many women willing to be in a harem undercuts the market. There is no incentive to get married other than it is part of your value system, so with market conditions, it may be hard especially if you have standards. Why would someone get married if they can get everything out of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Not to say you won’t get married, but I think women should be realistic.
 

Auraliea

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It's easy to worry about things out of our control. Meeting someone you like with feelings being mutual is hard. And there isn't much you can do to make it more likely except to put yourself out there and talk to people. The rest is up to timing and chance. Just make sure you are in the right place to receive it when/if it does happen. That's about all you can do.
 
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Zahungscyn

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Marriage is a market. Too many women willing to be in a harem undercuts the market. There is no incentive to get married other than it is part of your value system, so with market conditions, it may be hard especially if you have standards. Why would someone get married if they can get everything out of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Not to say you won’t get married, but I think women should be realistic.
A woman being realistic means a woman expecting marriage. What the hell id wrong with you? Why are y’all always pushing black woken to settle for less than? Plenty of men in this world are marriage minded and do get married. Like all good things, a good partner worthy of marriage takes time, patience, and a little bit of luck. It takes exploring and expanding your options. Heck I have a friend who broke off two engagements and she is not even 30 yet.
 

Gull

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all depends on your values, your choices of mates, and your experiences with partners..

Live the life you want but dont complain about it or its consequences.
 

TheEqualizer

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Nice.

How long & what’s the experience like overall?

I’m cut from loyal cloth & it’s loyalty above everything for me, So, the thought of being with one woman for the rest of my life scares me albeit I like the stability & companionship that marriage provides.
 

Gull

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Nice.

How long & what’s the experience like overall?

I’m cut from loyal cloth & it’s loyalty above everything for me, So, the thought of being with one woman for the rest of my life scares me albeit I like the stability & companionship that marriage provides.
not willing to share details on here..sorry

all I will say is if you value partnership, intimacy, someone caring deeply for you and you caring deeply for someone, its not that hard.

Real issue is finding someone you can feel that way about...most people wont qualify if you are a discerning person.
its not mainly or purely about xes or someone having a tight body...
its about emotional intimacy, trust, support, etc.....
someone who you can unmask for..
someone who you can be your complete self for.
someone who after a rough day, you can come home to and have support.
it helps overall confidence and overall mental health..
helps keep you balanced and the world around you in the right perspective in my opinion..
 
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TheEqualizer

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not willing to share details on here..sorry

all I will say is if you value partnership, intimacy, someone caring deeply for you and you caring deeply for someone, its not that hard.

Real issue is finding someone you can feel that way about...most people wont qualify if you are a discerning person.
its not mainly or purely about xes or someone having a tight body...
its about emotional intimacy, trust, etc.....
someone who you can unmask for..
someone who you can be your complete self for.
someone who after a rough day, you can come home to and have support.
it helps overall confidence and overall mental health..
helps keep you balanced and the world around you in the right perspective in my opinion..

I hear that & it’s understandable.

I was just checking cos I try to pick married men’s brains from time to time — to see the common denominator. What I noticed is that: marriage itself isn’t the problem since we all grew up in households with multiple people with different personalities for extensive periods of our lives & things were never perfect. And we persevered until adulthood. However, sustainability & the threshold of accepting the reality that comes with marriage as a lifetime commitment seem to be the biggest problem.

Also, say you don’t mind people caring for you deeply. But you believe you can’t reciprocate it 100% due to the human element (the imperfections) in other people & might want to protect yourself from any eventuality. Can marriage still thrive based on that premise? People take being let down by people they care about deeply differently.

Yes, you’re right about the balance. Two heads are always better than one. And being an island just never work & there’s a ceiling.
 

Gull

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I hear that & it’s understandable.

I was just checking cos I try to pick married men’s brains from time to time — to see the common denominator. What I noticed is that: marriage itself isn’t the problem since we all grew up in households with multiple people with different personalities for extensive periods of our lives & things were never perfect. And we persevered until adulthood. However, sustainability & the threshold of accepting the reality that comes with marriage as a lifetime commitment seem to be the biggest problem.

Also, say you don’t mind people caring for you deeply. But you believe you can’t reciprocate it 100% due to the human element (the imperfections) in other people & might want to protect yourself from any eventuality. Can marriage still thrive based on that premise? People take being let down by people they care about deeply differently.

Yes, you’re right about the balance. Two heads are always better than one. And being an island just never work & there’s a ceiling.
it all comes down to what you personally value..
in life, you really cant fake how you feel deep inside...you have to really know yourself...people who try to fake it end up miserable and also make the other people around them miserable as well.

if you not feeling it, then dont...it really is that simple.
its not something to try to convince others of, because you are not living their lives and they arent living yours...

in my opinion people talk about it and pontificate way too much...its almost like some kind of validation in both directions...
whatever they happen to believe, some feel the need to convince others so that they are comfortable with their own positions...that is emotionally immature and juvenile in my opinion..

"live your life according to how you want to live it, but for peace sake, stop whining and complaining about the results and potential consequences living your life brings."
 

Jahshii

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Marriage is not the end all be all for everybody and that is ok.
 

TheEqualizer

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it all comes down to what you personally value..
in life, you really cant fake how you feel deep inside...you have to really know yourself...people who try to fake it end up miserable and also make the other people around them miserable as well.

if you not feeling it, then dont...it really is that simple.
its not something to try to convince others of, because you are not living their lives and they arent living yours...

in my opinion people talk about it and pontificate way too much...its almost like some kind of validation in both directions...
whatever they happen to believe, some feel the need to convince others so that they are comfortable with their own positions...that is emotionally immature and juvenile in my opinion..

"live your life according to how you want to live it, but for peace sake, stop whining and complaining about the results and potential consequences living your life brings."

Interesting outlook & disposition.

So, what’s your opinion on co-habitation since it’s technically marriage with an instant opt out clause?
 

Gull

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Interesting outlook & disposition.

So, what’s your opinion on co-habitation since it’s technically marriage with an instant opt out clause?
For me, totally against it.
its fraught with danger and makes the dating process more complicated than it needs to be.

but again, if thats what they want, and are willing to deal with all the possible consequences, risks and pitfalls, and not complain or whine when the obvious risks and consequences occur, then they should knock themselves out ..
but from experience, they will still whine, complain and act like a victim...
 

TheEqualizer

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For me, totally against it.
its fraught with danger and makes the dating process more complicated than it needs to be.

but again, if thats what they want, and are willing to deal with all the possible consequences, risks and pitfalls, and not complain or whine when the obvious risks and consequences occur, then they should knock themselves out ..
but from experience, they will still whine, complain and act like a victim...

Interesting.

I guess you believe marriage is the better option & worth all the risks involved then, no?
 

Gull

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Interesting.

I guess you believe marriage is the better option & worth all the risks involved then, no?
if you are shacking up and things dont work out.
if you are living together, you will have to untangle your lives together...one person will have to find somewhere else to live,, etc...going through so much effort may make you inclined to tolerate more issues and take longer compared to if you are living apart and could just end the relationship with a phone call or a text....and the next minute it could be as though the other person never existed..

Not to mention, for some, they think its a suitable simulation for marriage when in reality since the mindset and attitudes are totally different, it really isnt..
its like flying a flight simulator versus being at the controls of a 747 30,000 feet up in the air...
since the consequences of failure are totally different, so the mindset and commitment levels are also totally different.
 

TheEqualizer

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if you are shacking up and things dont work out.
if you are living together, you will have to untangle your lives together...one person will have to find somewhere else to live,, etc...going through so much effort may make you inclined to tolerate more issues and take longer compared to if you are living apart and could just end the relationship with a phone call or a text....and the next minute it could be as though the other person never existed..

Not to mention, for some, they think its a suitable simulation for marriage when in reality since the mindset and attitudes are totally different, it really isnt..
its like flying a flight simulator versus being at the controls of a 747 30,000 feet up in the air...
since the consequences of failure are totally different, so the mindset and commitment levels are also totally different.

Makes sense when it comes to mindset regarding total commitment vs having an easy leeway to opt out.

Thanks, fam.
 

Gull

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Makes sense when it comes to mindset regarding total commitment vs having an easy leeway to opt out.

Thanks, fam.
a pratical pragmatic leeway out?..

most people dont marry everyone they date..not even close.
why put yourself into a situation where you will have to bear some of the consequences associated with a marriage/divorce but you arent married?
doesnt make sense...
 
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Zahungscyn

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if you are shacking up and things dont work out.
if you are living together, you will have to untangle your lives together...one person will have to find somewhere else to live,, etc...going through so much effort may make you inclined to tolerate more issues and take longer compared to if you are living apart and could just end the relationship with a phone call or a text....and the next minute it could be as though the other person never existed..

Not to mention, for some, they think its a suitable simulation for marriage when in reality since the mindset and attitudes are totally different, it really isnt..
its like flying a flight simulator versus being at the controls of a 747 30,000 feet up in the air...
since the consequences of failure are totally different, so the mindset and commitment levels are also totally different.
Love love this mindset. You invest way more in marriage than in dating
 

QweenofCups

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A woman being realistic means a woman expecting marriage. What the hell id wrong with you? Why are y’all always pushing black woken to settle for less than? Plenty of men in this world are marriage minded and do get married. Like all good things, a good partner worthy of marriage takes time, patience, and a little bit of luck. It takes exploring and expanding your options. Heck I have a friend who broke off two engagements and she is not even 30 yet.
Oh ok. You call it like you see it and I will call it like it is. There is NO INCENTIVE for men to get married when women are willing to pay such a high price for male companionship, including being j an harem and turning a blind eye as long as he keeps his women “nameless and faceless”. Unless you value marriage, marriage is improbable in 2021. A great marriage is even less improbable. I didn’t say impossible, I said improbable. But keep letting the church abd social conditioning keep you in la la land. While you are waiting for your ship to come in, you will waste your life when you could be living. But do you.
 

Zahungscyn

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Oh ok. You call it like you see it and I will call it like it is. There is NO INCENTIVE for men to get married when women are willing to pay such a high price for male companionship, including being j an harem and turning a blind eye as long as he keeps his women “nameless and faceless”. Unless you value marriage, marriage is improbable in 2021. A great marriage is even less improbable. I didn’t say impossible, I said improbable. But keep letting the church abd social conditioning keep you in la la land. While you are waiting for your ship to come in, you will waste your life when you could be living. But do you.
I hope you're not talking to me! I am not above slightly religious but I'd be damned to give up my youth and body to a man who is not my husband. I am married, and it was a breeze to get commitment from my husband and absolutely do not believe that it is unattainable. He valued marriage, his parents had been married, his sisters were married and he was simply raised that way. Most of my friends whom are not even 34 are married, the key thing is to not have children with a man prior to marriage. And of course you gotta make sure that you're around people who value marriage, men whose parents are married or men who see value in structure. Everything else is toast
 

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I hope you're not talking to me! I am not above slightly religious but I'd be damned to give up my youth and body to a man who is not my husband. I am married, and it was a breeze to get commitment from my husband and absolutely do not believe that it is unattainable. He valued marriage, his parents had been married, his sisters were married and he was simply raised that way. Most of my friends whom are not even 34 are married, the key thing is to not have children with a man prior to marriage. And of course you gotta make sure that you're around people who value marriage, men whose parents are married or men who see value in structure. Everything else is toast
Ok.
 

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Nice.

How long & what’s the experience like overall?

I’m cut from loyal cloth & it’s loyalty above everything for me, So, the thought of being with one woman for the rest of my life scares me albeit I like the stability & companionship that marriage provides.
That's an interesting perspective.

What do you mean the thought of being with one woman scares you? Respectfully the grass is not always - in fact it is rarely - greener. If you find a good person, and a good partner hold on to them and value them as much as possible. No person is perfect, but a lot of men from what I observe seem to have to learn the hard way by thinking the next woman will be better, and the women are unlimited mentality. Good people do not grow on trees!
 

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