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Men of LSA, Have You Ever Had A Placeholder?

GreenOwl

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I've been seeing a lot of threads were women said that they were the placeholder in their relationship. I'm trying to see are any men willing to admit that they used a woman for a placeholder.
 

SomeNameHere

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I’m wanna know to like what is the point
Probably just access to a woman for xes, relationship perks a lot of women do for their man, and ego. A woman that will do until the one they want comes a long.

But I’ll sit and see if any enlighten us about their reasons.
 

soufully

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Nope, for me it was the other way around. I wasn't ugly but I also wasn't the most handsome. I wasn't swagged out and my personality is kind of boring. I am just a regular/degular dude that's a homebody...Nothing more...nothing less. Even if I could afford more access to women. I wouldn't treat nobody like that cause I know how it feel.
 

HeresyHermit

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I’m wanna know to like what is the point

The point is, some losers can't be alone and always need someone to validate them until they glow up to the point where they can attract the person they really want to be with and then they'll STILL have backups.
 

GreenOwl

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Nope, for me it was the other way around. I wasn't ugly but I also wasn't the most handsome. I wasn't swagged out and my personality is kind of boring. I am just a regular/degular dude that's a homebody...Nothing more...nothing less. Even if I could afford more access to women. I wouldn't treat nobody like that cause I know how it feel.
Thanks for sharing your story.
 

brownfx2

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Nope, for me it was the other way around. I wasn't ugly but I also wasn't the most handsome. I wasn't swagged out and my personality is kind of boring. I am just a regular/degular dude that's a homebody...Nothing more...nothing less. Even if I could afford more access to women. I wouldn't treat nobody like that cause I know how it feel.
Your honesty and self awareness is admirable.
 

JasminaRege

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Probably just access to a woman for xes, relationship perks a lot of women do for their man, and ego. A woman that will do until the one they want comes a long.

But I’ll sit and see if any enlighten us about their reasons.

There’s this woman who seems a little obsessed with me. I honestly can’t tell if she hates me or not but she watches me a lot… The man she wants and has been giving perks to seems to think I’m the one for him but I don’t want him at all :( … Hate is a strong word, I actually don’t care, I’m indifferent to him but sis seems to think I’m some kind of threat to her which I’m not because I will absolutely never be with him :(
 

Gull

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Not intentionally. I believe its way more complicated than some of the naive fonts here seem to portray it.

I mainly dated with the intention of getting married, so it makes sense that every woman I dated, I initially thought she had the potential of being the one, but we all know that even if we are intentional daters, the overwhelming number of dating relationships dont transition to marriage.

So what happens? More often than not, during the vetting dating process, I either decided that she wasn't the one, or I might have periods of doubt but still wanted to give it more time, to see if I would change my mind back rather than just saying it out loud, hurting the woman, killing the relationship.
For the times when I was convinced she wasn't the one, I would suck it up and end the relationship....often times she was hurt and a little drama ensued.
For the times when I was in doubt but not convinced one way or the other, some might consider that a placeholder....but I really didn't. I considered it still wanting to give the relationship a chance.

I have never intentionally dated someone knowing there was absolutely no chance of them being the one while waiting on someone else.
When relationships ended, it was usually because of me and the specific person, not that someone else better came along causing me to end things. Also, I didn't date casually.
 

Gull

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One additional thought. Some people seem to mistake a person changing their mind as treating them like a placeholder.
Facts are most people, men or women date way more people than they marry.
I guess the question is how soon do you break up after you get the feeling they weren't the one/. if you do it too soon, then you could be characterized as not giving the relationship a chance and being too cruel.
if you try and give it a chance to recover, you may be labeled as treating someone like a placeholder.
I don't think its right to instantly tell your partner while you are figuring it out. that by definition will most likely kill the relationship without even giving it a chance to recover.

I guess failed relationships can appear a number of different ways mostly because people get hurt.
 

saywhatyouwant

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Not intentionally. I believe its way more complicated than some of the naive fonts here seem to portray it.

I mainly dated with the intention of getting married, so it makes sense that every woman I dated, I initially thought she had the potential of being the one, but we all know that even if we are intentional daters, the overwhelming number of dating relationships dont transition to marriage.

So what happens? More often than not, during the vetting dating process, I either decided that she wasn't the one, or I might have periods of doubt but still wanted to give it more time, to see if I would change my mind back rather than just saying it out loud, hurting the woman, killing the relationship.
For the times when I was convinced she wasn't the one, I would suck it up and end the relationship....often times she was hurt and a little drama ensued.
For the times when I was in doubt but not convinced one way or the other, some might consider that a placeholder....but I really didn't. I considered it still wanting to give the relationship a chance.

I have never intentionally dated someone knowing there was absolutely no chance of them being the one while waiting on someone else.
When relationships ended, it was usually because of me and the specific person, not that someone else better came along causing me to end things. Also, I didn't date casually.


People know the difference between a regular failed relationship and being a placeholder. I'd even go as far to say most people don't know or think that they are a placeholder.

It can be when people do things like not invite a significant other to family get togethers or say they don't believe in marriage. Basically, you're not getting the full relationship experience even though this person is happy to call you their gf or bf.

It's like a step up from being in a situationship but not as satisfying as a regular relationship because one party is intentionally holding back and not giving their all.

That's the difference between questioning whether someone is right for you and it not working out vs never allowing yourself to fully engage with a relationship. When you question people/relationships, you usually give it your all before realising it's not a good fit.
 

Gull

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People know the difference between a regular failed relationship and being a placeholder. I'd even go as far to say most people don't know or think that they are a placeholder.

It can be when people do things like not invite a significant other to family get togethers or say they don't believe in marriage. Basically, you're not getting the full relationship experience even though this person is happy to call you their gf or bf.

It's like a step up from being in a situationship but not as satisfying as a regular relationship because one party is intentionally holding back and not giving their all.

That's the difference between questioning whether someone is right for you and it not working out vs never allowing yourself to fully engage with a relationship. When you question people/relationships, you usually give it your all before realising it's not a good fit.
I disagree.
I think some people are not emotionally intelligent and when they get hurt, they default into victim hood instead of trying to see things from the other perspective..
we can agree to disagree on that..I see evidence of that on here every single day, multiple times a day.
 

silent|x|deadly

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One additional thought. Some people seem to mistake a person changing their mind as treating them like a placeholder.
Facts are most people, men or women date way more people than they marry.
I guess the question is how soon do you break up after you get the feeling they weren't the one/. if you do it too soon, then you could be characterized as not giving the relationship a chance and being too cruel.
if you try and give it a chance to recover, you may be labeled as treating someone like a placeholder.
I don't think its right to instantly tell your partner while you are figuring it out. that by definition will most likely kill the relationship without even giving it a chance to recover.

I guess failed relationships can appear a number of different ways mostly because people get hurt.
To me communication is the ultimate test of whether someone was being used as a placeholder. When you THINK it’s time to break things off, communicate that to your partner so everyone’s on the same page. When you KNOW, break it off so everyone’s on the same page.
 

silent|x|deadly

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I disagree.
I think some people are not emotionally intelligent and when they get hurt, they default into victim hood instead of trying to see things from the other perspective..
we can agree to disagree on that..I see evidence of that on here every single day, multiple times a day.

People who use others as placeholders are manipulative. They constantly have one foot in/one foot out. They’ll show you enough attention to keep you hanging on, but they’ll never fully commit and have a “reasonable” excuse for why they’re slow to fully commit. The placeholders usually don’t see it until the manipulator moves on quickly and assuredly to the next relationship.

I agree that theres an obvious difference in being in a placeholder relationship and being in a failed relationship. The latter usually involves intentional work to work things out before ending, whereas the placeholder one will have you confused, not even knowing there was any real incompatibility issues.
 

Gull

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To me communication is the ultimate test of whether someone was being used as a placeholder. When you THINK it’s time to break things off, communicate that to your partner so everyone’s on the same page. When you KNOW, break it off so everyone’s on the same page.
I agree and I thought that was clear and obvious in my earlier statements.
However the gray area is when you have doubts, and haven't made up your mind definitively which unfortunately is probably the majority of situations for some...they are undecided, going back and forth.

I feel "communicating" during those periods can have unintended consequences.
 

KushKing

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I've been seeing a lot of threads were women said that they were the placeholder in their relationship. I'm trying to see are any men willing to admit that they used a woman for a placeholder.

Most people have placeholders, especially when they are young and working on themselves. How is this a surprise? Unless a man sees you as his potential wife, you are a place holder! That is why men take a while before they decide to marry. Not only are they working on themselves, but they also want to make sure that you are the right one. If you don't meet their criteria, and they break up with you, you were just a placeholder!

Personally, I've had several placeholders in the past. Women I like, of course, but were not perfect ideal woman. I have a type and it is not always easy to find my type, but that doesn't mean I would treat the placeholders badly. I adored them and they were good people, but I just wasn't sure if they were the one.
 

Lovely11

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Not intentionally. I believe its way more complicated than some of the naive fonts here seem to portray it.

So what happens? More often than not, during the vetting dating process, I either decided that she wasn't the one, or I might have periods of doubt but still wanted to give it more time, to see if I would change my mind back rather than just saying it out loud, hurting the woman, killing the relationship.
For the times when I was convinced she wasn't the one, I would suck it up and end the relationship....often times she was hurt and a little drama ensued.

And how long does this vetting / dating process last…3-6 months or 3-6 years?
 

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