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My family is stressing me out!

incogneato

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I am so stressed out about my family and financial situation. For the past 2 weeks, I have been getting headaches daily and I know that it is stress related.

A few months ago, I moved in with my mom to help her out financially. I contribute by paying the mortgage which is 45% of my net income. My mom needs the help because her only income is Social Security Disability. She uses her income to pay for monthly utilities, groceries, etc. and she has nothing remaining at the end of each month.

My brother also lives here, but his financial contribution has been inconsistent since I have beem here. He has been in-between jobs.

I don't know how long I can continue to bare this burden. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I really want to continue to help my mom but now the stress is affecting my health. I find myself withdrawing money from my savings, not being able to add to my savings, and using my credit card. It's really blowing me. Currently, I'm waiting to hear back on a part-time job that I applied for over a month ago.

I am 31 yrs old, single, and I don't have any children. I want to be married! I want to have a family! Yet, I worry about how I will achieve these goals when I am supporting my mom and brother. I want to do all that I can to help them financially but it is stretching me very thin. To be very honest, I sinking into depression.

I don't know what to do.
 

Diana4mrlyDirty

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You mother needs to sell her home and move to a rent-controlled/income-based apartment. Your brother needs to get sh!t together. In the meantime, both your mom and brother should be getting foodstamp benefits. You made a bad decision moving in and dedicating 45% of your income to a mortgage that is holding you back. Move on with your life. Your mother's inability to change her situation based on her financial reality is damaging to you and unfair.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
 

THOTTiana

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I agree with the previous poster who said your mom needs to look into alternate housing? Who was paying the mortgage before you got there? Assuming she doesn't plan on returning to work does she think you'll be staying forever to help her ? She needs to scale down and if it means moving into a smaller house/condo/apartment that she can afford alone then so be it.
 

DirtyFeetPete

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You have to understand that what you are doing is not helping your mother. Help is temporary and gives one the impression that there is an end goal. The situation you're in does not sound like a temporary one. Mama may need to downsize or try to figure out how she can get her mortgage or bills lowered.

You need to give your brother a timeline. He has X amount of time to get a job and start contributing, otherwise he will need to leave and his room can be rented out.

You should never feel like you have to put your health and stability in jeopardy under the guise of "helping" someone. It isn't fair to you but this is why you must be wise about the amount of time and resources you give someone when you know they have little to nothing to give to you in return.
 

incogneato

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You mother needs to sell her home and move to a rent-controlled/income-based apartment. Your brother needs to get sh!t together. In the meantime, both your mom and brother should be getting foodstamp benefits. You made a bad decision moving in and dedicating 45% of your income to a mortgage that is holding you back. Move on with your life. Your mother's inability to change her situation based on her financial reality is damaging to you and unfair.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Thank you! I really appreciate your advice. It's a crazy feeling because I feel like I would be failing my mom if she had to sell the house. She has 10 years remaining on the mortgage.

Honestly, sometimes I resent my brother for some of the messed up decisions he has made in life. He has trouble finding a job because he's a felon and he has a hard time keeping a job. He's just unreliable financially. I feel like an only child.
 

incogneato

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I agree with the previous poster who said your mom needs to look into alternate housing? Who was paying the mortgage before you got there? Assuming she doesn't plan on returning to work does she think you'll be staying forever to help her ? She needs to scale down and if it means moving into a smaller house/condo/apartment that she can afford alone then so be it.

My mom was married but she and her husband divorced. After her ex-husband moved out, she began working "under the table" as a Caregiver but her client passed away. My mom's uncle moved in and he paid her rent ($1500 monthly). That living arrangement lasted for about 3 years and he abruptly moved out. After he left, I moved in to help her out.

I have posted ads on Craigslist for Caregiver positions and nothing has come through. I really want her to go back to work full-time because I feel like it would alleviate the stress. My mom is considered 100% disabled because she has been in several car accidents and she has a back injury. She has good days and bad days with back pain.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but sometimes I resent my mom too. Majority of the time all she does is stay in the house, sleep, and watch television. She's depressed too. Life is passing her by. I look at her and think, "Damn, I don't want that to be me." I don't want life to pass me by but I feel like I am being held back.
 

incogneato

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You have to understand that what you are doing is not helping your mother. Help is temporary and gives one the impression that there is an end goal. The situation you're in does not sound like a temporary one. Mama may need to downsize or try to figure out how she can get her mortgage or bills lowered.

You need to give your brother a timeline. He has X amount of time to get a job and start contributing, otherwise he will need to leave and his room can be rented out.

You should never feel like you have to put your health and stability in jeopardy under the guise of "helping" someone. It isn't fair to you but this is why you must be wise about the amount of time and resources you give someone when you know they have little to nothing to give to you in return.


You are 100% right. Thank you!
 

Diana4mrlyDirty

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Thank you! I really appreciate your advice. It's a crazy feeling because I feel like I would be failing my mom if she had to sell the house. She has 10 years remaining on the mortgage.

Honestly, sometimes I resent my brother for some of the messed up decisions he has made in life. He has trouble finding a job because he's a felon and he has a hard time keeping a job. He's just unreliable financially. I feel like an only child.
IDK what her mortgage is monthly, but if you are paying 45% of your income towards the mortgage, it should not be only in her name. I guarantee you have one of those mothers who when her time comes, she will want her house to be split 50/50 between you and your brother, yet you are the only one consistently paying on the mortgage. Get yourself out of that trap! If you are paying 45% of your income on a mortgage with 10 years left, your name needs to be on it.

She could also rent her home out to cover the mortgage plus a little more, and then move to a rent-controlled apartment. She needs to make better decisions for herself and you need not work yourself to death.
 

DirtyFeetPete

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Some states have programs that can help people in your mother's position pay their mortgage. My mom has a childhood friend whose mortgage is just $600 and she still goes to different agencies to have them pay her bills. Her friend is not disabled and has grown kids. I'd hate for yournmom to have to sell her house. Black people need to own property and keep it in the family.

But don't risk your health to make sure your brother can continue mooching. I know you resent your mom, but I think she is just tired. She may feel defeated. Maybe you could talk to her and try to encourage her to do better.
 

incogneato

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IDK what her mortgage is monthly, but if you are paying 45% of your income towards the mortgage, it should not be only in her name. I guarantee you have one of those mothers who when her time comes, she will want her house to be split 50/50 between you and your brother, yet you are the only one consistently paying on the mortgage. Get yourself out of that trap! If you are paying 45% of your income on a mortgage with 10 years left, your name needs to be on it.

She could also rent her home out to cover the mortgage plus a little more, and then move to a rent-controlled apartment. She needs to make better decisions for herself and you need not work yourself to death.

Thank you. The mortgage is in my mom and her ex's name. It's a VA loan so it has a really low interest rate.
 

nicsala

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Think about turning the house into an assisted living home. Mama will have to take a class to get certified. Go with an agency to find clients. Brother will need to move out. PM me.
 

incogneato

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Some states have programs that can help people in your mother's position pay their mortgage. My mom has a childhood friend whose mortgage is just $600 and she still goes to different agencies to have them pay her bills. Her friend is not disabled and has grown kids. I'd hate for yournmom to have to sell her house. Black people need to own property and keep it in the family.

But don't risk your health to make sure your brother can continue mooching. I know you resent your mom, but I think she is just tired. She may feel defeated. Maybe you could talk to her and try to encourage her to do better.

Yes, she does feel defeated. Her ex-husband has basically started a new life with someone else. Plus, my granddad died last year and she's still grieving from his death.
When she worked, she was so much happier and outgoing. She kept her hair done and everything. Now she doesn't go out or care about her looks because she is always complaining about money.

It has been so hard y'all. Neither of us ever imagined that we would be in this situation. We always had. Never went without. Now times have changed. Truthfully, I don't want her to have to sell the house either. My mom and her ex worked so hard to build it. She talked about selling and getting an apartment before, but I know deep down she doesn't want that. It would crush her but it's not fair for me to have to deal with all this stress.
 

incogneato

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Think about turning the house into an assisted living home. Mama will have to take a class to get certified. Go with an agency to find clients. Brother will need to move out. PM me.

I never thought about that. She would love this. She enjoys taking care of the elderly and anyone in need. It's her passion. I will PM you.
 

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A lot of people on LSA are so helpful and thoughtful it's amazing but I agree that you should definitely give your brother a deadline. There is no way you should be handling all that on your own
 

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10 years left on the mortgage puts a different spin on things. Is your mother willing to add you to the deed?

possibly ensuring that the house be left to you and your brother get something else?

your family is only 10 years away from TRUE ownership.

Thank you! I really appreciate your advice. It's a crazy feeling because I feel like I would be failing my mom if she had to sell the house. She has 10 years remaining on the mortgage.

Honestly, sometimes I resent my brother for some of the messed up decisions he has made in life. He has trouble finding a job because he's a felon and he has a hard time keeping a job. He's just unreliable financially. I feel like an only child.
 

incogneato

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A lot of people on LSA are so helpful and thoughtful it's amazing but I agree that you should definitely give your brother a deadline. There is no way you should be handling all that on your own


Yes, LSA fonts are amazing. Thank you so much to everyone that replied to my post. Your feedback and advice has been invaluable. I feel like there's hope now. I'm grateful for everyone's support.

I talked to my mom briefly tonight about the stress and she told me that she has been considering returning to the workforce full-time despite her back problems. I didn't know this. She's just as stressed out as I am but she doesn't talk about it.

My mom also told me that my brother wants to move out after he finds stable employment. Right now he works for a temp agency and he is waiting to hear back from a potential employer. I agree with giving him a deadline because right now it's not working out. She and I will talk more about it tomorrow.
 

incogneato

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10 years left on the mortgage puts a different spin on things. Is your mother willing to add you to the deed?

possibly ensuring that the house be left to you and your brother get something else?

your family is only 10 years away from TRUE ownership.


Yes, I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it. I will discuss it with her tomorrow. I know that she doesn't want her ex to get the home and she knows my brother isn't responsible enough to manage the responsibilities of homeownership.
 

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If her ex is on the deed barring him signing it over to him what can she do?

and unless she specifies that the house is to be yours at least with a will, but preferably ALSO by deed there are a couple of people in line with you.

But you are paying the bills
Yes, I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it. I will discuss it with her tomorrow. I know that she doesn't want her ex to get the home and she knows my brother isn't responsible enough to manage the responsibilities of homeownership.
 

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