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Navigating Through Life As A Lesbian in A Patriarchial Society is Depressing.

incogneato

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I just feel tired and drained. I woke up feeling sad. I don't think I can live my life fully happily as a lesbian. I have NO INTEREST in men xesually or romantically but I wonder if I should consider submitting myself to men to be protected in life.

PLEASE DON'T ATTACK ME. This has nothing to even do with xesual desire. I am just thinking in terms of my life down the line. How can I successfully navigate through life in a relationship or while even being married to another woman considering that women aren't respected in society like men are.

What protections do I have?

I have knots in my stomach and feel like vomiting. I have such anxiety right now.

I am denying myself, I know.

Here I am....in the closet and don't think I will ever come out because I am too scared.

A part of me feels like I need to marry a man in order to survive but I wouldn't be able to live with myself for long if I were to do that.

I try not to think about it and just sometimes tell myself that I will be fine without being in a relationship but then I lay down at night feeling lonely and empty that I will never know what romantic love feels like.

Am I even worthy?

Me accepting myself as a gay woman has been so challenging.

I am okay until I get triggered....until I see something pertaining to LGBT...until someone asks me "do I have a boyfriend"....until someone says....I just know God is going to send a man in your life.....until someone reminds me that I am supposed to be with a man.

Oh, I needed that I guess. I need to be reminded of everything I am not I guess.

Society has done a number on me. I accept the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness but I just don't feel like I am worthy sometimes.

I am hurting.
 

starrkitty

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You may want to surround yourself with other progressive Lesbian's such as yourself.

They can probably help you navigate through your situation with greater success and with less worry and anxiety.
 

W3rdThtzKrzy

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I think it’s how you look at it. Being a lesbian should make you feel liberated - in that you don’t have to care what men think of you because you’re not trying to appeal to them xesually anyway. That’s freedom, because a lot of the expectations that are placed on Heterosexual women will not be placed on you.

And also, it depends on where you live. Understand that there are lots of places in the US where seeing gay and lesbian couples is quite normal and no one even bats an eyelash. A lady at my old job would sometimes tell these funny stories about her wife. It was no big deal.

If you’re feeling nervous about coming out, I would seek guidance from other people have been through it. Generally people are ssooooooo much happier in life when they get to live their truth.
 

MERVEILLEUSE

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Mandatory heterosexuality is a fµck!ng monster. All I can suggest is seek a circle of solid, functional lesbians (and I know that's fµck!ng hard as hell, but always try to connect with those who share your feelings and beliefs in all aspects of life) and work on becoming stronger and independent, especially when it comes to finances. I honestly believe that most women "in the closet" would not be if they felt that they could make it on their own. You don't need much money to be on solid financial ground, you just need a plan and the tenacity to work for your goals.
 

Krafty

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Hey I know how you feel! It’s one of the reasons why I know I can’t eff up and serious about my finances. Marrying a rich man is not in my future. We lesbians have to be self sufficient and step into our power.
 

Restinga

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Please don't believe ANYONE who tells you that you need a man to survive. I know society is rife with compulsory heterosexuality, but you don't need a man. You should know that most men these days are in your exact same position. Most people are suffering to some extent in this capitalist beast.

Men have social advantages, definitely, but that's not something you should dwell on, it's not healthy. Just as long as you're aware of it.

But I think it would do you some good if you were to befriend more Lesbian and Lesbian-leaning women. Try to reach out or go to events that are catered to Bi and Lesbian women. Maybe you could google Meetups in your city for LGBT women.

Also, you'll probably need professional counselling, but find someone who knows about LGBT issues.
 

incogneato

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Thanks ya'll.

I will say, just to clear the air...I am financially stable and educated. I am moreso concerned with not being able to move upwardly...so many times I have noticed women who are seen as not having a man are placed at an even further advantage. You can be low balled on home offers, for other major purchases like cars purchases, and not taken seriously when you are looking to voice your opinion is certain spaces. In the professional world especially....I see women who are married to men being more respected and valued. I am concerned that I won't have any of that security as an option but also I am scared. I don't want to be the head of household or seen as the "man" in the relationship where I am expected to make all the decisions.

I just feel very uneasy right now. I appreciate you listening.

I have no one to talk to about these things IRL. I'm trying hard to not think about my romantic and xesual desires but it's difficult.

I really feel like I was cursed sometimes. I'm a triple minority and am already marginalized and I have little to no protections to just live freely. That really makes me feel bad.

Hopefully one day soon I will change my perspective.

Also, I don't want to or feel the need to come out to anyone. My family is very religious and I'm not talking to them about my xesual orientation. Everyone else in my life are mainly my co-workers and the associates/friends that I have (very few)...none of them are gay (that I know of) and I just don't want to open that can of worms.
 

W3rdThtzKrzy

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Thanks ya'll.

I will say, just to clear the air...I am financially stable and educated. I am moreso concerned with not being able to move upwardly...so many times I have noticed women who are seen as not having a man are placed at an even further advantage. You can be low balled on home offers, for other major purchases like cars purchases, and not taken seriously when you are looking to voice your opinion is certain spaces. In the professional world especially....I see women who are married to men being more respected and valued. I am concerned that I won't have any of that security as an option but also I am scared. I don't want to be the head of household or seen as the "man" in the relationship where I am expected to make all the decisions.

I just feel very uneasy right now. I appreciate you listening.

I have no one to talk to about these things IRL. I'm trying hard to not think about my romantic and xesual desires but it's difficult.

I really feel like I was cursed sometimes. I'm a triple minority and am already marginalized and I have little to no protections to just live freely. That really makes me feel bad.

Hopefully one day soon I will change my perspective.

Also, I don't want to or feel the need to come out to anyone. My family is very religious and I'm not talking to them about my xesual orientation. Everyone else in my life are mainly my co-workers and the associates/friends that I have (very few)...none of them are gay (that I know of) and I just don't want to open that can of worms.

Well if it makes you feel better there are a lot of single moms who have been the head of household and have “made it” and been spectacularly successful. So having a husband isn’t a necessity for success.

And honestly, with this #metoo movement it’s only going to get easier for female breadwinners and upwardly mobile women from here. Don’t put so many limitations on yourself.

Yeah, men are complete assholes but that wouldn’t change or be easier if you were straight. In fact, mothers often find that people start to patronize them or their identities get erased or eclipsed by their husband.

Honestly, the more comfortable you are, the more comfortable other people will be.
 

incogneato

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Well if it makes you feel better there are a lot of single moms who have been the head of household and have “made it” and been spectacularly successful. So having a husband isn’t a necessity for success.

And honestly, with this #metoo movement it’s only going to get easier for female breadwinners and upwardly mobile women from here. Don’t put so many limitations on yourself.

Yeah, men are complete assholes but that wouldn’t change or be easier if you were straight. In fact, mothers often find that people start to patronize them or their identities get erased or eclipsed by their husband.

Honestly, the more comfortable you are, the more comfortable other people will be.
Thanks.

I just feel so alone sometimes, like i'm the only one going through this. I know i'm not, but I need to definitely have more people around me who I can identify with. I don't have a good support system.
 

W3rdThtzKrzy

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Thanks.

I just feel so alone sometimes, like i'm the only one going through this. I know i'm not, but I need to definitely have more people around me who I can identify with. I don't have a good support system.

The one thing I love about gay people is they ride for their own 100%. I think it’s worth starting to surround yourself with people in the community until you feel comfortable expressing your sexuality. I really like this podcast called “The Read” with Kid Fury and Crissle, they deal woth a lot of LGBTQ issues, especially the ones that effect black people. It’s great for insight.
 

PettyLesbian

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Hey I know how you feel! It’s one of the reasons why I know I can’t eff up and serious about my finances. Marrying a rich man is not in my future. We lesbians have to be self sufficient and step into our power.
Amen! but not just money but also the ability to defend ones life physically. Martial arts? Gun ownership? etc
 

moneydiva06

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Get friends that accept your sexuality! Surround yourself with lesbians and positivty
 

Pearl Shay

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Generally, as a person, you have to learn to let what people think and say roll off your back, or you won't live well. You'll never look perfect, act perfect, have the perfect career that people want you to have, date someone who everyone approves of. I'm glad the women who were around when it was legal to beat women, to stop women from moving freely in society, from working, from deciding the most basic things (even separating mothers from babies) didn't just lay down and concede that life was just going to be this way. You'll always be depressed and the things you want will be out of arms reach unless you start to own your life and your happiness. It may seem harsh, but we've all had to do just that.

but I wonder if I should consider submitting myself to men to be protected in life.
I'm not sure what you need to be protected from, because women who date men aren't suddenly exempt from misogyny and oppression, either. Check out that Remy Ma thread, women like that and many women, in general, hate other women. Other straight women, included and mainly, because that's how the majority identify (whether they are or not). A lot of things like this stem from internalized misogyny and homophobia. We often point these things out in other people, but a lot of queer people/women/whatever group struggle with these ideas and beliefs, themselves. Learning to love yourself and accept yourself can turn your life completely around. Many people will do ANYTHING else, BUT that. They will lie to themselves, go under the knife, put themselves in situations that they hate (career-wise, relationship-wise)..anything, but the work needed to heal and grow as a person.
 

Games

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Hello, OP. I understand that it's hard navigating in this heterosexist society, but love and happiness trumps all. One doesn't need a man for protection. Religion is overrated and loved ones who are truly worth your time won't have any issue with you being a lesbian.

It seems that you are at the point where you are struggling with being comfortable with your sexuality. It's a tough time, but you will get through it.

I would suggest journaling your feelings and putting yourself in safe lesbian spaces to meet and talk with fellow lesbians in person. That way you can get great coping mechanisms and you might even meet your first girlfriend.

OP, how are you feeling, sis? Hug.
 

Dragon2024

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Just want u to know u can live on your own financially if you’re a western woman. I don’t have a degree and have a GED and still found myself a good job where I can afford to live on my own with benefits. Believe it or not there are more gay people in straight relationships than there are openly gay ppl that’s out the closet. Do not put yourself in a position where u will be Financially dependent on someone, it ain’t no different then being an in door prostitute.

there are healthy sound in the mind lesbians but they move in silence as well....they keep to themselves but they exist lol. Most of my romantic encounters were with “straight” women who were married or had boyfriends but they didn’t have the courage to live their truth. Nothing wrong with that because I don’t believe in heterosexual relationships anyways....but don’t put your heart into a woman who is unsure of herself. Focus on you and you will meet women like yourself.

Even though there are women saying “find a man that loves you more than him” they can still feel unfulfilled....I can’t be with someone that lacks depth, I can’t even find xesual fulfillment with someone I cannot emotionally connect with.

Abandon those who keep imposing the heteronormative on to you. Trust and believe u don’t want that life. U don’t want to lay on your back with a man going in and out of you just to have a roof over your head.
 
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It's been over a year now. OP can we get an update on how things have been for you since? Have you managed to make lesbian friends and feel more comfortable in your truth?
 

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