Quantcast

Never tell people your standards and/or requirements for a relationship.

BrizAy

I pay them all in dust.
Joined
Jan 26, 2017
Messages
6,284
Reaction score
Reactions
105,502 3,511 1,102
116,469
Alleybux
971,789
I’ve learned that people will usually try to assess if you’re “worth” what you’re asking for or require. I work with a guy (Black) that is 63 at my pt job & we have had some conversations about relationships & marriage. It’s not a corporate environment & very lax & laid back. He’s decided that based on my age, being Black, and not wanting kids, I have to accept men in their 60s+. And that there are a lot of good-looking older men that will be better for me bc I havent had the greatest experience with men in my age group (30-40).

ETA: Please dont come in here being self-righteous. Maybe some of yall knew all this at 12. It took some of us a long time to figure it out.
 
Last edited:

bellpepper

Team Owner
Joined
Oct 15, 2011
Messages
17,659
Reaction score
Reactions
157,474 4,633 957
179,216
Alleybux
999,000
I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about what you're looking for when it comes to a partner. I do think that the opinions or negging (like the guy in your post OP) of others shouldn't convince you that you don't deserve what you're looking for.

I usually save those conversations with certain people for certain purposes but I don't see the harm in casually discussing it. At work, I would have to use more discernment when choosing to share, especially with men.
 

TheCluesIleftForYou

Team Owner
Joined
Feb 3, 2018
Messages
18,630
Reaction score
Reactions
276,410 15,292 4,091
302,290
Alleybux
106,932
My mother once told me never tell a guy what you want in a guy, he will mold himself to be what you want but not truly be it. My favorite saying is by Chris Rock he speaks on the first months of dating you are meeting their representative, a person who they want to be but aren't truly. But sooner or later the representative has to go home and you are left with the real person. Remember time reveals all.
 

rubyhikesamile

Team Owner
Joined
Feb 25, 2017
Messages
5,910
Reaction score
Reactions
67,992 1,563 333
73,034
Alleybux
8,193
This is why some of move in silence and don't get too comfortable in the work place. Hopefully, you can course correct w/ how you interact w/ this coworker in the future.
 

leblumeii

im cute.
Joined
Jul 30, 2012
Messages
16,511
Reaction score
Reactions
319,443 4,806 2,013
349,475
Alleybux
638,784
That man is just trying to get in your pants sis lmao

He said you HAVE to accept men who are 60+?? And told you part of the reason for that is because you're black? In this day and age, if you look good, you could date a man who was 25 if you wanted to. Men will say anything to make you believe you need to include them specifically in your dating portfolio. That is all this is and you just have to recognize them for what they're attempting to do.

I don't do old, broke, men who are chronically unemployed, men who don't have a legal means of earning money, or ugly men. I tell people my standards for myself if asked, if they try to convince me otherwise... just tell them to stop trying to get women to lower our standards so they can get chose.
 

Nitpickr

Team Owner
Joined
Nov 30, 2019
Messages
6,159
Reaction score
Reactions
70,073 2,368 2,105
74,691
Alleybux
2,500
People just generally tell everyone everything these days. How many more times will we need to tell black women to shut up about what they are doing/thinking?
 

Cada2

Team Owner
Joined
Apr 13, 2015
Messages
15,171
Reaction score
Reactions
167,043 15,892 2,327
210,224
Alleybux
63,500
This conversation can go a few ways.

As a woman, yes you need to be careful about what you share, because a man will lie like that and pretend to be Mr. Right to see how far it will get him.
 

BrizAy

I pay them all in dust.
Joined
Jan 26, 2017
Messages
6,284
Reaction score
Reactions
105,502 3,511 1,102
116,469
Alleybux
971,789
That man is just trying to get in your pants sis lmao

He said you HAVE to accept men who are 60+?? And told you part of the reason for that is because you're black? In this day and age, if you look good, you could date a man who was 25 if you wanted to. Men will say anything to make you believe you need to include them specifically in your dating portfolio. That is all this is and you just have to recognize them for what they're attempting to do.

I don't do old, broke, men who are chronically unemployed, men who don't have a legal means of earning money, or ugly men. I tell people my standards for myself if asked, if they try to convince me otherwise... just tell them to stop trying to get women to lower our standards so they can get chose.
LMAO! He specifically said “Dont think I’m talking about myself. My friend is 65.” My co-worker is married, but only let it slip once that he was. Everyone was shocked.
 

GoldenAries

General Manager
Joined
Feb 21, 2018
Messages
1,676
Reaction score
Reactions
20,673 210 45
21,759
Alleybux
70,623
My mother once told me never tell a guy what you want in a guy, he will mold himself to be what you want but not truly be it. My favorite saying is by Chris Rock he speaks on the first months of dating you are meeting their representative, a person who they want to be but aren't truly. But sooner or later the representative has to go home and you are left with the real person. Remember time reveals all.
Very true... I hate to admit I’ve experienced this myself, lol.

I believe it’s wise to set standards, but not go out of your way to vocalize everything you want in detail to a man early on.
 
Joined
Feb 20, 2020
Messages
623
Reaction score
Reactions
7,774 47 26
9,009
Alleybux
0
Lmao this is only an issue if the bar/standard is silly/basic

I went with this: I want to be married, I'm not fµck!ng anybody I'm not married too. I don't need you to be my boyfriend because we won't be having xes anyway. Great to get to know you though, loving meeting new people and making friends

They always remained interested from there...but laying out how much you think someone should call/text or the concept of "building" or who goes on who socials....nah. No pussy, ring talk, with rings only, or get off my phone (but in the nicest sweetest way : ))
 

KelOverKenan

KelOverKenan did the thing
Joined
Apr 17, 2018
Messages
17,136
Reaction score
Reactions
251,434 7,657 2,236
312,525
Alleybux
117,238
I’ve learned that people will usually try to assess if you’re “worth” what you’re asking for or require. I work with a guy (Black) that is 63 at my pt job & we have had some conversations about relationships & marriage. It’s not a corporate environment & very lax & laid back. He’s decided that based on my age, being Black, and not wanting kids, I have to accept men in their 60s+.
He’s delusional and sounds like he’s trying to come on to you.
 

AI Boyfriend

Team Owner
Joined
Aug 13, 2018
Messages
9,887
Reaction score
Reactions
106,766 6,798 5,940
110,475
Alleybux
319,737
Does this apply to men as well? Can men lay out their cards too much and run women off? I think women like mystery early on. If you tell them you're dating for marriage, that can turn off a woman who is dating for fun and isn't looking for anything serious.
 

msellie

Mrs. Jock Ewing
Joined
Oct 8, 2017
Messages
8,412
Reaction score
Reactions
65,093 3,950 416
70,772
Alleybux
52,000
Just lie and tell the old azzes, the ugly azzes and the ones that just have zero connection that you are married and they havent seen your husband bc he travels a lot for work.

OP, i swear that i know and relate to everything that you are saying.

you probably have a happy and active dating life, but there is always a mf somewhere trying to tell you that you need to be “giving someone a shot” that you have zero interest in knowing, even in a platonic way.

imo, those discussions can be poisonous if the woman is in a vulnerable place.

i really hate to say it, but just lie and keep the personal details in your life really private when possible. The convo that they initiate about your dating options should be avoided. Completely avoided.
 

chocoLate290

General Manager
Joined
Apr 10, 2021
Messages
4,487
Reaction score
Reactions
87,971 4,207 1,986
86,033
Alleybux
174,150
Does this apply to men as well? Can men lay out their cards too much and run women off? I think women like mystery early on. If you tell them you're dating for marriage, that can turn off a woman who is dating for fun and isn't looking for anything serious.
Honestly, yes this happens too, but in my opinion it’s always better to tell the person straight away what you’re looking for whether it’s serious or not to avoid leading that person on. To me what turns me off as a woman when a guy tells me he loves me after only one month of talking, or when he’s already imagining us getting married with kids, that’s creepy to me and desperate because if we barely know each other why is he imagining all this stuff with me? It makes me feel like he says all those nice things just to get in my pants, and I’m not naive, I can sense when someone is trying hard to pretend to be this serious guy who’s in love with you
 

THE GREAT 1

Team Owner
Joined
Feb 21, 2011
Messages
17,939
Reaction score
Reactions
63,682 1,541 264
71,019
Alleybux
138,900
I think individuals knowing right off gives them the ability to temporarily acquiesce to what you're looking for in order to "get you" ...then after that their true colors present themselves. I've seen it happen.
 

babablkshp

General Manager
Joined
Dec 31, 2019
Messages
3,902
Reaction score
Reactions
45,640 882 323
46,154
Alleybux
969,735
Men will say anything to make you believe you need to include them specifically in your dating portfolio. That is all this is and you just have to recognize them for what they're attempting to do.

lmao this is a WORD

Does this apply to men as well? Can men lay out their cards too much and run women off? I think women like mystery early on. If you tell them you're dating for marriage, that can turn off a woman who is dating for fun and isn't looking for anything serious.

I think overall people share too much for false intimacy instead of actually paying attention to actions and intent to see if you’re on the same page. Why share all that info right up front?
 

kamilamb

Team Owner
Joined
Aug 15, 2014
Messages
8,369
Reaction score
Reactions
32,200 775 96
41,338
Alleybux
1,001,211
I’ve learned that people will usually try to assess if you’re “worth” what you’re asking for or require. I work with a guy (Black) that is 63 at my pt job & we have had some conversations about relationships & marriage. It’s not a corporate environment & very lax & laid back. He’s decided that based on my age, being Black, and not wanting kids, I have to accept men in their 60s+. And that there are a lot of good-looking older men that will be better for me bc I havent had the greatest experience with men in my age group (30-40).

ETA: Please dont come in here being self-righteous. Maybe some of yall knew all this at 12. It took some of us a long time to figure it out.

Don't listen to him.
 

AI Boyfriend

Team Owner
Joined
Aug 13, 2018
Messages
9,887
Reaction score
Reactions
106,766 6,798 5,940
110,475
Alleybux
319,737
lmao this is a WORD



I think overall people share too much for false intimacy instead of actually paying attention to actions and intent to see if you’re on the same page. Why share all that info right up front?
Yeah you have to find that middle ground where you aren't sharing too much early on but you also aren't hiding anything or wasting your time.
 

BrizAy

I pay them all in dust.
Joined
Jan 26, 2017
Messages
6,284
Reaction score
Reactions
105,502 3,511 1,102
116,469
Alleybux
971,789
Does this apply to men as well? Can men lay out their cards too much and run women off? I think women like mystery early on. If you tell them you're dating for marriage, that can turn off a woman who is dating for fun and isn't looking for anything serious.
I think it does. I’m always leery of men who are trying to lock me down super fast. It’s usually future-faking & trying to talk their way into some ass. But acting aloof & expecting me to chase you is a turn-off as well. We’ll just “I aint sweating him/her” into a mutual ghosting.
 

MissDeee

General Manager
Joined
May 6, 2016
Messages
3,625
Reaction score
Reactions
35,653 714 149
41,813
Alleybux
146,733
He is funny. The older I get, the more I realize men are really just useful for xes. And most of them can't even do that right.
 

BrizAy

I pay them all in dust.
Joined
Jan 26, 2017
Messages
6,284
Reaction score
Reactions
105,502 3,511 1,102
116,469
Alleybux
971,789
you probably have a happy and active dating life, but there is always a mf somewhere trying to tell you that you need to be “giving someone a shot” that you have zero interest in knowing, even in a platonic way.
Exactly this! Now, I have dated some folks I definitely shouldnt have & I have learned & AM learning from those mistakes. But, anytime I tried the “just give him a chance” approach, I have always regretted it. And it’s people projecting & using their own criteria to assess what makes someone suitable. I dont have & dont want kids & am openly & unapologetic about it. I also dont believe I have to date someone 50+ to not worry about that. This same co-worker also calls me selfish for not wanting children because “ wHaT aBoUt wHaT tHe mAn wAnTs.”
 

NarcoticVenus

General Manager
Joined
Dec 3, 2017
Messages
3,277
Reaction score
Reactions
29,670 734 410
31,098
Alleybux
303,332
Ladies, I want you to remember this if nothing else.

A man who does not know you does not want anything but xes from you. At this point, he does not care what you want.

As you talk and date with your legs closed, you will get to know each other and then he will know if he wants you in his life long-term. At the same time, you are vetting him and deciding if you want him in your life. If he does not stick around, good riddance. It seems like a lot of ladies just meet someone and immediately expect them to be seriously pursuing them. Then when they ghost or play games, the ladies can't figure out what happened.

You are meant to date several people, (without sleeping with them) in the course of your life.

I know dating sucks but the more you date, the better chance you have to meet someone who meets your standards. Don't take yourself off the market for the first dusty that swipes right.

Saying "I want a serious relationship" during the first few conversations makes you sound like you just want a man, any man. Unfortunately, I think a lot of ladies fall into this trap and it reduces the respect the man has for her. Showing your worth means showing that you are not pressed for a relationship. You will only consider a serious relationship if you meet the right man

When it comes to standards, you want to see the real man. The more you talk about standards and requirements, the more fake he will be. Just tell him you want to see how it goes and take it from there. Let him feel free to be himself.

I see some ladies concerned that if you tell him you want to go with the flow, he will think you only want xes. It doesn't matter what he thinks because:

1. He wants xes anyway but you are going to keep your legs closed so he is SOL.
2. If he falls for you, it doesn't matter what you said. He is going to want to lock you down.

There is never any reason to tell a man you just met anything except your fake name, burner phone number, and general information. Spend the time asking him about himself not talking about you.
 

Jeveryday

General Manager
Joined
Sep 29, 2018
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
Reactions
18,134 835 375
17,796
Alleybux
306,693
I’ve learned that people will usually try to assess if you’re “worth” what you’re asking for or require. I work with a guy (Black) that is 63 at my pt job & we have had some conversations about relationships & marriage. It’s not a corporate environment & very lax & laid back. He’s decided that based on my age, being Black, and not wanting kids, I have to accept men in their 60s+. And that there are a lot of good-looking older men that will be better for me bc I havent had the greatest experience with men in my age group (30-40).

ETA: Please dont come in here being self-righteous. Maybe some of yall knew all this at 12. It took some of us a long time to figure it out.
There's a difference between communicating standards and giving someone your playbook. I wouldn't suggest you do the latter even for your husband. You learn their interest by how well they apply the information you give them, observe you, and what they present you with to attempt to please you.
 

soursopsis

General Manager
Joined
Sep 4, 2020
Messages
2,800
Solutions
1
Reaction score
Reactions
23,223 447 56
25,176
Alleybux
620,198
My mother once told me never tell a guy what you want in a guy, he will mold himself to be what you want but not truly be it.

Wow this never occurred to me but it is so true. Thanks for sharing, your mother gave you great advice
 

Similar Threads

News Alley

Ask LSA

The Lounge

General Alley

Top Bottom