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Opinions: Adopted 6 year old wants to change his full name

Kaylove

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Allow him to change his name but please keep the original name as a middle name. The name is part of who he is. Perhaps as an adult he would be grateful for it as well. Blessings to your family.
 

apples

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For some reason (no one remembers why), she's been called another name since she was a kid. It's a name different than her birth name. So when she changed her last name to her married name as an adult, she also legally changed her first name.

I’m in the same boat and I’m thinking about doing the same thing. Everyone knows me by my nickname since birth so I don’t think it would be an issue outside of updating paperwork. Thanks for reminding me.
 

Pilot Jones

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You all are so blessed to have found your way to each other :heart:

What an affectionate & thoughtful boy you are raising.
 

Freshquince

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Not very related, but Michael Kors asked to legally change his name when he was five. And he's been very happy with his new name ever since.
"His parents are Joan Hamburger, a former model, and her first husband, Karl Anderson Sr. His mother married Bill Kors, when her son was five, and his surname was changed to Kors. His mother told Karl that he could choose a new first name as well and he renamed himself Michael David Kors."
 

OctoberBlu

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I'd personally want to wait until I was older. When I was younger I wanted to change my name. Now looking back I'm glad I didn't because I don't like that name anymore. I guess he can change it again if he doesn't like his name anymore. Is it hard to have your name legally changed.
 

Nana Peazant

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Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?
May your days be long and you and your husband always have abundance! What a blessing that your son wants to bear your name!!!

Let him name himself. There is power in a name. He's teaching you two that. Receive the lesson.

My aunt is a folk genealogist and she's taught me how important names are when compiling a family tree. Include some part of his birth name in his middle name just as a reference, especially if he was adopted from another country.
 

Chriza28

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Allow him to change his name but please keep the original name as a middle name. The name is part of who he is. Perhaps as an adult he would be grateful for it as well. Blessings to your family.
I just want to respectfully say I don't agree with you because there is a reason he proactively requested his name be changed.

A lot of people change their names for all kinds of reasons. The fact that a six year old wanted a name change is significant.

At best, he should be able to choose whether his former name it kept as a middle name, but OP, just be careful that his choice is one that HE wants and not one that he feels you want him to make. Sometimes, a child wants to please the parent against his own wishes.

If you don’t want to change his first name, make up a deceased grandparent middle name that is the same as his and just tell him his name is already related to the family. I personally wouldn’t change his first name, just his last.

WOW no way!

His need to change his first is not for frivolous reasons!

Never deceive a child! Tell the truth in age-appropriate terms!!

Let him have the power to choose his own name because that is what he wants. Most 6 year olds are focused on the latest trend in toys, gadgets, computer games. NOT name changing. It's important to him so it is critical.
 
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Chriza28

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I'd personally want to wait until I was older. When I was younger I wanted to change my name. Now looking back I'm glad I didn't because I don't like that name anymore. I guess he can change it again if he doesn't like his name anymore. Is it hard to have your name legally changed.
His reasons for wanting a name change is not the same was yours was.
His reason is more serious and important. At least that is what I suspect.

I think as long as he initiated and expresses desire for the change, there’s nothing wrong with it! It’s not like you’re imposing your dream name or something onto him, he wants and has chosen his new name.

That being said, if you haven’t started one yet, you should start a Lifebook for him, and make sure his old name is in it. It’s forever part of his story and as he grows he will appreciate knowing how he came to be who he is.
My take on this would be that it may be prudent to have TWO VOLUMES.

The first Lifebook would be about the first part of his life with his old name and end it with his new name.

The second Lifebook should start appropriately but not refer to the first part. In this way, if he wants to never return to a life experience that is traumatic, he can do so and simply remember his life being born into his REAL family where he had a mommy who listened to him when he wanted to change his name.

OP this is of one of my favorite pieces from
the extraordinary works of Lebanese poet,
Kahlil Gibran .

I love it because it speaks of my philosophy that children are their own person, and not really ours to own.


Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of
Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they
belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek
not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path
of the infinite, and He bends you with
His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be
for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


Extracted from Gibran's most famous work, The Prophet

For emphasis:

Your children are not your children.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.

Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be
for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.
 
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Chriza28

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He loves you! You and your husband are wonderful for adopting.
hugs.png
One of the most amazing books I have read about adoption is Mia Farrow's "What Falls Away".

The title says it all about what fell away in her life (the drama over the Woody/Soon-yi scandal).

Some people are only able to love "narcissistically", i.e. they can only love their bio kids.

Mia is one of those mothers who is capable of loving the unloved and, better still... the unlovable. She chose children that she knew would be rejected as adoptees - besides Soon-Yi being a severely traumatized child who was found on the streets, abandoned by her mother, the other children were a little boy with polio from India, 2 blind Vietnamese girls, 2 Vietnamese war orphans, a Korean boy with multiple physical issues, etc. Of the 14 kids she raised, 10 were adopted.

At 9, Mia had polio. In hospital she saw other children suffer and die. She had made up her mind to one day be a pediatrician working in developing countries helping children. She could not do that so chose to adopt instead.

I bought her book when it was first released as a hardcover, then bought the audiobook, which she narrates. I recommend the audiobook as she's a talented narrator, being an actor.

Here's a little snippet about her character. When Frank Sinatra divorced her, she simply left with a few personal gifts she had received from him when they were courting. She never took a penny from him. Neither had legal fees to pay.

When she and her second husband, Andre Previn, divorced, again, she never sought a lawyer. They simply agreed on sharing the expenses of raising their 6 kids.

Her two husbands have been her greatest supporters. I don't know for sure but I heard Frank included her in his will. She also named one of her adopted children after him, Frankie-Minh)

It is no surprise that she is the single mother who raised Ronan Farrow.

Another son, Fletcher Previn, << link is IBM's Chief Information Officer.




Hope this is not derailing this thread. I just wanted to address the fact that it takes really special people to adopt children who need to be loved in a family environment.


Frankie Minh, Mia's adopted daughter (named after her first husband, Frank Sinatra) recently had her second baby. How joyful is it to be able to give a child with a disability the love of mother and family, and see them thrive and live their own life).


I have no doubt OP will have a successful eldest son.
 
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AngelicaPickles

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I was quite surprised to wake up and see this thread was featured. Thanks everyone for your responses.

We talked with him about it in depth at dinner last night. He was clear that while he doesn't dislike his name, he just doesn't feel connected to it– and the feelings have grown stronger throughout the year. Knowing that makes it easier for me to push away any lingering doubts. I understand that feeling and I won't stand in the way of this decision.

Some fonts spoke to concerns around changing his name at school and with his friends. I don't see that being an issue. He goes to a great school with a tight-knit community of really awesome kids and frankly kick-ass parents. We are all in a pod together. They have been amazing so far about this process. The parents especially have been kind. It might take a few corrections, but he wouldn't be met with any censure or teasing. Plus his cousin is in his class and is protective of him.


I see so many adoptive parents especially white ones change names just to change them without thinking about the child. He's 6 and voiced his opinion. So he should do whatever he wants. If he changes his mind he can change it back. This is her choice and nobody is pushing him.
 

AngelicaPickles

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I'd personally want to wait until I was older. When I was younger I wanted to change my name. Now looking back I'm glad I didn't because I don't like that name anymore. I guess he can change it again if he doesn't like his name anymore. Is it hard to have your name legally changed.
You have to pay for it to get it changed.
 

Chriza28

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I see so many adoptive parents especially white ones change names just to change them without thinking about the child. He's 6 and voiced his opinion. So he should do whatever he wants. If he changes his mind he can change it back. This is her choice and nobody is pushing him.

OP's choice was to respect her son's wishes. I am not sure why you seem conflicted with it. Race also has nothing to do with name changing.

It was his request to have a new name and his mom wants whatever makes him feel comfortable and happy.


I'm supportive too but not if he wants to name himself Spiderman or something lmao
That can be his nickname. And he wouldn't be the first kid to be called Superman by his family!!
 

redbud tree

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Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?


How sweet! :love: Go for it! Why not?

There's no need for resentment. He can change his name again if he wants to.

I think more people should feel free to change their names.
 

FlamingoRed

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That's adorable, also children don't make decisions like this lightly. If he's thought this, then he must feel strongly about it and I totally understand that. I don't see why it would be a problem.
 

stubborn

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Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?
If you don’t want to change his first name, make up a deceased grandparent middle name that is the same as his and just tell him his name is already related to the family. I personally wouldn’t change his first name, just his last.
 

AngelicaPickles

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OP's choice was to respect her son's wishes. I am not sure why you seem conflicted with it. Race also has nothing to do with name changing.

It was his request to have a new name and his mom wants whatever makes him feel comfortable and happy.



That can be his nickname. And he wouldn't be the first kid to be called Superman by his family!!

Many white adoptive parents change names especially with black adopted children because they think the name is too black or ghetto or too foreign. It's a trend in the white adoptive community. Then get upset when the child pushes back. And the new name is even worse than the name the child was born with.

And sorry I meant he not she.

In this case at she's listening to her child and not pushing or changing it because she wants to. The child wants it. Just make sure he understands all of it.
 
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SexyRaccune

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I have a male friend who changed his name in middle school.
His mom gave him a name that was somewhat odd and a little girly. He did not like it. And he wanted to feel closer to his dad (who had moved away after divorce)

He chose an African name as his first name (his dad is African) and used his mom's maiden name as his middle and dad's last name.

As long as the decision is the boy's, I don't see the harm. Since he is not with his bio family, he needs some meaningful connection and identity, which he is using a name change for.
 

Chriza28

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Many white adoptive parents change names especially with black adopted children because they think the name is too black or ghetto or too foreign. It's a trend in the white adoptive community. Then get upset when the child pushes back. And the new name is even worse than the name the child was born with.

I feel you are generalizing. Every situation is individual.

Here's the situation in a famous family.

In the early '90s, Mia Farrow adopted a little black boy called Isaiah and never changed his name.

A couple of years later, she adopted a black baby girl named Kaeli-Shea, so that Isaiah would have a black sister. Kaeli-Shea later changed her own name to Quincy.

Mia adopted 4 Vietnamese baby girls (at different stages). They all came with their own names and only one (Summer) changed her own name to Daisy, after the character Daisy, played by Mia in the original movie The Great Gatsby.

Her blind Vietnamese daughter is named Frankie-Minh. Mia had added the name "Frankie" in honor of Frank Sinatra, her first husband, who had made a profound comment about a little blind girl he met in a children's home.

Satchel Ronan Farrow, her biological son, was named after baseball star Satchel Paige by Woody Allen. After the Woody/Soon-yi scandal, he switched to Ronan permanently.


And sorry I meant he not she.

In this case at she's listening to her child and not pushing or changing it because she wants to. The child wants it. Just make sure he understands all of it.
Yes, I think OP is wonderful and he sounds like a fabulous little boy who is going to be an amazing big brother.

It is not that big a deal to me. People do change their names for all kinds of reasons. Some people hate their given names.

The new trend now with some super-progressive parents is to give their child a gender-ambiguous name. As long as it does not harm to anyone, it's fine by me.
 

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Beautiful! This makes me want to adopt even more. As I have self-reflected on my desire to become a parent, I realized I’m not tied to the idea of the child being biologically mine (some people are which is ok!). I’m even open to adopting older. The movie “Instant Family” really changed my perspective on adoption.

Even if I do have a biological child I still think I’d adopt. It’s been on my heart for a while .
 
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Chriza28

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Beautiful! This makes me want to adopt even more. As I have self-reflected on my desire to become a parent, I realized I’m not tied to the idea of the child being biologically mine (some people which is ok!). I’m even open to adopting older. The movie “Instant Family” really changed by perspective on adoption.

Even if I do have a biological child I still think I’d adopt. It’s been on my heart for a while .
Here are some heartwrenching adoption stories. The children are SOO grateful to be adopted by their foster parents.

Most kids take so much for granted. There are some very special parents in this world. Just not enough of them.


 

JustKelly44

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Does he like the sound of Islamic names?
Saeed =happy.
Jalil = exalted one.
Ali= lofty, sublime
Assad=Lion


I know you didn’t ask for ideas, but it would probably mean everything to him if his new name has great meaning that is unique to him. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a name picked for himself already. These ideas can sprout from first seeing something you want.
 

Tazz29

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Nothing wrong with it, like other folks said he probably just wants a fresh start.

my cousins have adopted three kids, one of them asked to change her first name also but that’s because one of her birth parents was still alive and she didn’t want them to find her. She’s 18/19 now and doesn’t regret it at all
 

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I have a cousin whose parents were hippies and gave him a full hippie 1970s name. When he got older he was very embarrassed by it. I'm pretty sure he changed his name when he was around the same age as your child. Maybe a little bit older. He's always been known by his chosen name and there's no angst that I can see.
 

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I have a friend who was adopted. Her birth first name became her middle name and her parents chose a new first name for her when they changed her last name.

I always call her by her middle name just because I personally prefer it over her first name, which in my opinion does not fit her. Her middle name is a common name, but it’s a unique spelling and I thought it was really cool. She said I’m the only person who calls her by her middle name and it gives her mixed emotions. She said she feels sad sometimes because the name reminds her of her birth parents but also loved because that’s how I address her and she knows my intent is not malicious.

I don’t see a problem in letting him choose a new first name as long as the new name isn’t Peekaboo.
Are you a man? And is your intent here to trigger her into an inappropriate relationship?
 

marvy wheale

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Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?


I agree with him. I always wanted to change my name but never did it.
 

Shaspi23

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I was adopted when I was seven and allowed to choose whether I wanted to keep my name or change. I opted to change it, my adoptive parents and I came up with my current name. I’ll never forget the process of choosing the name with my new parents and how happy I was when it was official. Now that neither of them are no longer with me, my name and their memories are all I have. I say go for it.
 

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This isn't uncommon for adopted kids. Like some have mentioned, it can be like a re-birth and christening into the new family. It would be different if it were forced on the child. From the people I've known who've fostered, I never heard of this backfiring later. You can always make their current 1st name or last name a middle name, I've seen that, too.
 

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Wow. Congrats! You've got a child that loves you! That's beautiful.

Regardless of whatever you decide, please make sure you double check the before and after names, which are pivotal in shaping one's destiny. People often wonder why they struggle/advance before or after they got married or a simple name change. What people don't realize is that you will only be able to do what your name allows you to do! Do a Chaldean name check of both names to see if it's even worth it and if the names are in sync with the life path number or date of birth. There's a reason why Bey is where she is. Her chaldean name number is 82 from birth, but after marrying J it becomes 99, which also has some influence although not the main number. I tried to PM you, but you have the option blocked.

upload_2021-1-31_18-41-1.png


upload_2021-1-31_18-48-44.png


Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?
 
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Chriza28

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One thing parents forget is that kids can be cruel.

I used to know a Chinese family who had never been to China, spoke zero Chinese and on the phone, you'd never know they were Chinese. Yet, because their last name was a Hee, their son was taunted with ... "hee hee hee" on the school playground.

Before he got married, he changed his last name so that his kids would never have to live through the same ordeal.
 

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I have nothing helpful to add. Just wanted to state how heartwarming this situation is. :heart:
 

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Basically what it says on the tin.

We originally planned on simply changing his last name, but a few weeks ago he mentioned over dinner that he would like a new name entirely. One that we chose and is linked with the family.

It seems important to him as he has not stopped talking about it and is very enthusiastic about picking out names for himself. He, now that I think about it, was very interested in helping find names for the baby too.

My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop. He's all for it but I worry. He is our kid regardless. I don't want him to grow up and resent it. At the same time, it could go the opposite way.

Any of you guys have thoughts? Or similar experience whether that be as child or parent?

I think that’s beautiful!!! It’s a testament to the love you and your spouse have shown. He trusts you and feels safe. It’s a HUGE deal for his identity—he feels like he belongs, is wanted, valued, and loved —these are things even non-adopted kids struggle with (shoot, adults for that matter!).

I have family members who are foster parents, and an adopted cousin. I have seen the pain when children are taken away, to go back with their previous family, right as they were bonding and enjoying being a unit. It’s devastating for all parties involved, but especially the child. Having to go back through the system, risking safety and happiness because another person gets to decide what’s best?? Your son doesn’t have to go through that, thank the Lord. His changing his name to yours carries all that weight he will not have to experience. It is a big deal!!

As a side note: I asked my daughter if I were to remarry, would she want to have her last name changed. She said an emphatic, “NO!” She saw that as the connection to her dad, and even more so because he is not around as often as he should be. Even when explaining I would have a different last name, any additional kids would have a different last name, Etc, she didn’t care. LOL. All that said to reiterate and emphasize, you are helping little man find his identity and confidence in knowing who he is; and he has a safe and loving environment to be and find himself. Change the name!! :)

eta: coincidentally enough, I was just watching “white oleander” a few days ago. If you are not familiar with it, it’s a movie about a girl’s journey into foster care and her experience with several foster parents.
 
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Maruda

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I'm not the sappy type, but that is genuinely really sweet. Seems like have a mature son and its great that he wants to be completely integrated. I would def do it!
 

Brucilla

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It warms my heart that he's excited about making a big transition. I would absolutely let him change his name... everybody should have the right to ultimately decide what people call them.

Two of my siblings, who are not adopted, change their names in their teens. My sister changed hers back last year to the original at the age of 38.

Neither one of them had identity issues because of the changes.
 

Chriza28

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upload_2021-1-29_15-39-4.png


This meme forgot to mention ...
before you are born, you didn't choose your parents or your race. Or your siblings, or your grandparents.

You chose nothing. And you have to live with what you never chose.

I wish parents thought things through more carefully before THEY choose to impose all those things on a child.
 

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