TheGossipGoddess
Starter
Hi guys, first i must say that this is very hard for me to write. I was born and raised with preacher parents and all my life i believed. But when i was 19, certain things about how God operates didn’t sit well with me. I tried to push it away and still believe. But now at 25 I know that I don’t believe because it doesn’t make sense. I’ve decided to really put some logic, study some science and look at the Bible with common sense and it baffles me. It’s like my eyes have truly opened. But honestly not believing is more scary than believing. Now i have anxiety at night about what really happens when I die. Not existing scares me.
Also it makes me sad. My entire family is religious and if i was to ever come out saying i don’t believe i would be the black sheep of the family. My parents would be so hurt and disappointed. My dad already says some things like i need to be “back in church” and not physically since i was still there every Sunday (before corona) but mentally. So far I’ve been faking it, pretending to believe in Jesus for the sake of my family. Like, If something was to happen to me my parents would think I was going to hell if i didn’t believe and it would cause them so much heartache so i rather just play along. But it’s been so hard.
I find myself feeling comfort from old gospel songs i grew up listening to. I don’t know why. I know i can’t believe in the God/ Jesus i was taught now. I’m too far gone and none of it will make true sense to me. I was invited to an online bible study last week and i did it for the person who invited me but i hated it. Everyone sounded like sheep and brainwashed. It was weird to me. How I’m feeling about religion is putting a strain on my relationships. It’s hard to talk to my mom or dad without them somehow bringing up God. No matter what. For example, i had got a good job right after college. They told me it was God and his favor. I believe it was me working hard, staying up late, putting my social life on hold, picking a good major that was seeing growth in the work field and then doing good on my interview. My hard work was accredited to God and honestly if this was 5 years ago i would have agreed.
Sorry for the rant. I know I’m all over the place but I’ve never really said all this out loud for others. I guess what I’m getting at is, not believing has been a struggle for me all around but i can’t bring myself to go back to it. I feel like having something to believe in, is comforting and i want something to believe in. It’s been apart of my life for so long that it seems like I’m not sure of who i am or that a part of me has died and now I’m trying to learn myself all over again.
Also it makes me sad. My entire family is religious and if i was to ever come out saying i don’t believe i would be the black sheep of the family. My parents would be so hurt and disappointed. My dad already says some things like i need to be “back in church” and not physically since i was still there every Sunday (before corona) but mentally. So far I’ve been faking it, pretending to believe in Jesus for the sake of my family. Like, If something was to happen to me my parents would think I was going to hell if i didn’t believe and it would cause them so much heartache so i rather just play along. But it’s been so hard.
I find myself feeling comfort from old gospel songs i grew up listening to. I don’t know why. I know i can’t believe in the God/ Jesus i was taught now. I’m too far gone and none of it will make true sense to me. I was invited to an online bible study last week and i did it for the person who invited me but i hated it. Everyone sounded like sheep and brainwashed. It was weird to me. How I’m feeling about religion is putting a strain on my relationships. It’s hard to talk to my mom or dad without them somehow bringing up God. No matter what. For example, i had got a good job right after college. They told me it was God and his favor. I believe it was me working hard, staying up late, putting my social life on hold, picking a good major that was seeing growth in the work field and then doing good on my interview. My hard work was accredited to God and honestly if this was 5 years ago i would have agreed.
Sorry for the rant. I know I’m all over the place but I’ve never really said all this out loud for others. I guess what I’m getting at is, not believing has been a struggle for me all around but i can’t bring myself to go back to it. I feel like having something to believe in, is comforting and i want something to believe in. It’s been apart of my life for so long that it seems like I’m not sure of who i am or that a part of me has died and now I’m trying to learn myself all over again.