ProductFiend
Sally ain't got nuffin' on me!
It's both their faults for not communicating effectively about their wants and needs.
Thank you for your honesty and your perspective! I too am terrified of sending even my nonexistent, hypothetical children out into this world and this future. I don't even let my cats go outside anymore, and they've got a few thousand years of instinct built in, to help them out!As a mother, I agree with this because there was a time that I felt this way.
It's a shame that mothers won't admit this sh!t. Having children has seriously impacted my life in ways that I will never get back. I love my children, but there is regret. For what I did to myself and what I did to them.
I wish that I would have had them later in life, rather than in my 20s. But my children know this because I want them to see it from my view. I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE LIKE ME, I WANT THEM TO DO AND BE BETTER. I struggled...and they struggled along with me. Plus the way the world is going to be for them is frightening.
If I had a clue what kind of future Gen Zs and Gen Ps are looking ahead to...I would never have had kids. The world is going down fast. I contributed the people who will suffer the most to that descent and this is my biggest regret.
I think the biggest problem here is that she’s the one who wanted to do this though. He said he was on the fence but she really wanted kids and shes also who wanted to stay home. She had to convince him to let her be a SAHM. Now she’s doing it and likely hates being cooped up with two fussy kids. He’s tried to get her to get some hobbies but she chooses to solely focus on the kids. She’s just as responsible for the situation she’s in but seems to be lashing out because it’s probably harder than what she expected.Regardless of what people say, raising two very young kids is much harder than what he's doing for sure. I'm almost positive given the opportunity, the wife would swap stay at home for going to work and let him see how taxing it is.
He needs someone to talk to? His wife would be the best person to start with...you know, candor? If not his wife, a professional...those are the only people that can truly help.
Some men have no sense of accountability; he knew what he was signing up for when he got married and was open to having one kid. Life has a tendency to throw curveballs and a marriage is not exempt.
I wonder if he ever considered the possibility that his wife feels the same damned way but instead of whining, she is sucking it up and dealing with a situation she willingly created.
If he chooses to confide in an outside source, especially a female source, there is a high chance that it’ll develop into an emotional affair which could lead to a full-blown, xes included affair.
If he was mature he wouldn‘t have had children knowing he doesn’t want any. If he was mature he wouldn’t have married a woman that wants children. Working 9-5 is no excuse to not bond with your children at all. Millions of women do this and are the primary or sole caretaker of their children. He says he wants his wife to have outside hobbies but he does not say who will look after the children while she‘s not at home. He‘s „too tired“ to watch after the children. They’re already financially struggling so hiring a babysitter two or three times a week isn‘t really possible. He already made the decision to abandon his family. He just wants people to assure him that he‘s not being an asshole (which he is).
I think the biggest problem here is that she’s the one who wanted to do this though. He said he was on the fence but she really wanted kids and shes also who wanted to stay home. She had to convince him to let her be a SAHM. Now she’s doing it and likely hates being cooped up with two fussy kids. He’s tried to get her to get some hobbies but she chooses to solely focus on the kids. She’s just as responsible for the situation she’s in but seems to be lashing out because it’s probably harder than what she expected.
I think the biggest problem here is that she’s the one who wanted to do this though. He said he was on the fence but she really wanted kids and shes also who wanted to stay home. She had to convince him to let her be a SAHM. Now she’s doing it and likely hates being cooped up with two fussy kids. He’s tried to get her to get some hobbies but she chooses to solely focus on the kids. She’s just as responsible for the situation she’s in but seems to be lashing out because it’s probably harder than what she expected.
so this man is supposed to work 10-12 hours a day, then come home and be yelled and nagged at for another 12 hours? is anyone considering the fact that he is also burnt out? this is what she signed up for. she cannot have it both ways, if you want a man to be the sole provider you need to be the sole caretaker. hire a babysitter or nanny or something. and it's not like he's not trying to give her a break, he's literally encouraging her to get out the house and find a hobby but she refuses. this is her faultI agree to a certain extent. While yes she is the one who wanted to have children... he committed to it. If he really didn't want to, he wouldn't have done it. Yes she wanted to be a SAHM the first year, this doesn't mean she deserves to pull ALL the at home weight. A good portion? Yes, but all? Not fair. Humans don't operate like machines and she's dealing with double than what she wanted. Because you know what... life give you the unexpected! He needs to adapt and help and stop complaining. Actually communicate with his wife instead of blaming her like this is all her fault. I also would encourage you to read a few replies in the thread from the redditors on both sides. They would both agree that parenting is tuff and everyone wants a divorce the first 2 years because they feel it's too much of a lifestyle change. Also that he needs to calm down, stop being selfish, and like I said... adapt.
Not true. People do sh!t they don’t want to all the time, for various reasons. It sounds like he went along with it to appease her. She likely didn’t anticipate things being this hard which is why she’s also miserable. But If she knew he wasn’t fully invested, she should’ve waited until he was ready or found someone who wanted kids as bad as she did. It seems she also wasn’t aware of how big a deal raising kids is because if so, she wouldn’t have had them with someone who was wavering in the first place.If he really didn't want to, he wouldn't have done it.
But, so is he. He isn’t a machine either and I don’t think his feelings should be discounted. Going off for being 15 mins late when the person has an hour commute as it is would piss anyone off.Humans don't operate like machines and she's dealing with double than what she wanted.
Actually communicate with his wife instead of blaming her like this is all her fault.
I’ve read the replies and I take that with a grain of salt. When I’ve expressed reservations about children people love to say it’ll be different or you’ll survive. Everyone’s tolerances are different, so just because they sucked it up and toughed it out doesn’t mean everyone else is built for that.I also would encourage you to read a few replies in the thread from the redditors on both sides. They would both agree that parenting is tuff and everyone wants a divorce the first 2 years because they feel it's too much of a lifestyle change.
Used search bar and didn't see this posted, this was from another site: Any advise you would give him?
My wife and I had twins 6 months ago. When we met 5 years ago I was on the fence (but open) to one child. We found out that we were having twins about a year ago. At first I was kind of happy, but now that they have been here I dont know. I love each of them very much, but I'm having trouble thinking about my future and the future of my relationship with my wife.
My wife really wanted to stay home for a year raising the kids, it took some convincing on her part and I had to redo our budget but eventually we determined we could do it. She works very hard at home with thw twins and spends almost all day with them. Her only rest is when they are napping/sleeping or occasional outing on the weekend.
Between my commute and work schedule I'm gone anywhere between 10-12 hours a day. I really like my current job because I've had some very very stressful jobs in the past that included traveling for months at a time. My wife gets frustrated when I get home 15 minutes later than normal and takes it out on me. This makes me feel like crap because I work hard all day and sit in an hour of traffic only for my wife to give lay into me when I get home. It makes me resentful.
I'm also the type of person that value my personal time. My main hobby is working out, which I do 3 times a week in the morning. However, lately I've been struggling to find the energy or motivation for this. When my wife and I argue, which is becoming more frequent, she accuses me of wanting to work out more than spend time with my kids. This isn't true at all. I just have to have some time during the week to myself to remain sane. I think she resents me a little for having the ability to get out of the house. This is something I understand and have encouraged her to schedule hobbies/yoga outside the house. But she has no interest in these things. She has made her life completely about the children at the expense of our own personal and mental health.
I love them and I love my wife, but if there was a magical reset button I think I would press it (on having kids and maybe even on my relationship?). I'm afraid my relationship with my wife is falling a part and my I will never have any time for myself ever again. I guess I just need to talk to someone or anyone else about this.
[Edited: Moderator added source link.]
He seems like he understands that, but it also seems his partner gets mad when he does anything, so trying to offer suggestions or ideas won't help.He needs a vasectomy pronto before bringing any more innocents into the world. I don't understand how a grown adult doesn't realize how taxing children are. If he really cared about his wife he would budget even more for her to get her a nanny or housekeeper so she isn't burden alone with twins.
Exactly what I was thinking. I work and have a long commute. If I got home 15 minutes later and got yelled at, I'd be looking for solutions too.It actually doesn't truly sound like he regrets the *kids*. He is moreso upset that his relationship with his wife is deteriorating, his wife is clearly struggling and he feels guilty for not knowing how to best support her, what support he does offer his wife doesn't take, and it seems like they need more household help in general. Those things are all fixable. It's just the growing pains of having multiples. They need better tools to organize themselves, work as a team, and work on their communication.
Untrue and very damaging way of thinking. There needs to be me time - it's part of being a functional human being, partner, and parent. You can't pour into others if you're running on empty. Besides, you conveniently missed out the part where he suggested to his wife that she too should schedule her own me time but she basically refuses. Is it really unreasonable to want to work out???
You can still voice your opinion. I don’t have kids and I believe most people just have kids or get married Because they feel it’s something to do in life. I also don’t see the point in having kids besides the biological purpose of reproduction and self interests aka to feel loved, etc. And I feel the cons often outweighs the pros and most people making kids have no business making them. In terms of marriage, I think it’s a beautiful concept but many people in this current culture , in America anyway, don’t take relationships serious .I had a statement but I'm childless and unmarried so I'm just gonna sit here and eat my salad.
FYI OP is not the man complaining in the post. They just added the post for discussion.
P. S
Your advice is turrible *your wife may not be cut out for this* when his ass is crying and whining.
Thanks for being transparent, how does it destroy your relationship? Because it's harder to balance both? How do children ruin your life in your opinion? Do you regret having your son?This is exactly how I felt with my ex and vice versa! Parenting SUCKS! It completely destroys your relationship....especially if you don’t have family or a community to help you.
I’m sooo glad that my son is almost grown and I’m single and they won’t be any children to ruin our relationship!
Honestly just get married and be childfree or do emergency foster care from time to time if you want kids so badly.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN they will most likely ruin your life unless you have a lot of money.
Your xes life was become nonexistent. If your child has a rare disorder or any health issue then that’s harder for you all and more work and money out the door. You could end up just being miserable because kids bring out the worst in your partner and you may end up alone anyway. You could feel more alone. Being a stay at home mom SUCKS other than the stress of not having to work. However if things don’t work out then you’re screwed and have no back up plan. Being a working mother is hard because other people are raising your kids and balancing work and home. I work from home (since way before Covid) and lucked out but most don’t have that option. I did stay at home and working mother thing and both are so hard.Thanks for being transparent, how does it destroy your relationship? Because it's harder to balance both? How do children ruin your life in your opinion? Do you regret having your son?
Wow, well, I hope things get better for you. At least you have support, some mothers or even fathers don’t. Did you want kids? Or did you feel pressured to have one?Your xes life was become nonexistent. If your child has a rare disorder or any health issue then that’s harder for you all and more work and money out the door. You could end up just being miserable because kids bring out the worst in your partner and you may end up alone anyway. You could feel more alone. Being a stay at home mom SUCKS other than the stress of not having to work. However if things don’t work out then you’re screwed and have no back up plan. Being a working mother is hard because other people are raising your kids and balancing work and home. I work from home (since way before Covid) and lucked out but most don’t have that option. I did stay at home and working mother thing and both are so hard.
I’m on the fence. I love that my son is older and I can connect to him better and I do love him. But I also know my life would be 100% better without him. His Dad and my parent’s are really supportive so as long as you have a legit support system then it makes it easier. But if you’ll end up a single mother their family helping you out and you aren’t rich then don’t do it, you will regret it!
This is my biggest fear.This is exactly how I felt with my ex and vice versa! Parenting SUCKS! It completely destroys your relationship....especially if you don’t have family or a community to help you.
I’m sooo glad that my son is almost grown and I’m single and they won’t be any children to ruin our relationship!
Honestly just get married and be childfree or do emergency foster care from time to time if you want kids so badly.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN they will most likely ruin your life unless you have a lot of money.
There's lots of childfree men out there that want to be childfree for the rest of their lives. You can be childfree and have a relationship.This is my biggest fear.
I don’t think I really want children but I do want a relationship & I feel like I’d have to compromise myself for that.
Kids only seem cool when you have a lot of money to spend on them.
I hope I run into one. Now that men in my age group are entering their 30s I’ve had some hint at children. Like they feel they need a child bc of their age. But you are right. There is someone who has my same outlook who will want a relationship long term with me. I am terrified of pregnancy and esp birth. Just seems so so dangerous and I already have terrible anxiety.There's lots of childfree men out there that want to be childfree for the rest of their lives. You can be childfree and have a relationship.