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Scared to come out as a lesbian to my haitian family

incogneato

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Mid twenties, never had any type of man. Knew I was a lesbian probably from the time I was 14.

My family are very strict and conservative haitians who definitely do not agree with the lgbt lifestyle. My youngest minor siblings aren't even allowed to watch Disney/TV anymore due to all the shows with lgbtq characters.

By my age both of my parents(now separated) had families and kids. Im closing in on thirty and have neither. I have felt pressure from them to get a man but idk how to say it is not a man i want. Both of my younger adult siblings and older brother are coupled/have kids or both. Im surprised they havent suspected anything.

Its mental torment to have to keep it a secret. I dont want everyone up in my business but im tired or pretending to be attracted to men, or thinking one is cute when i have no desire for them. Im tired of having men recommended to me. Im tired of not feeling free to be with a female.

Another aspect is my religion..i am devoutly christian, grew up in the church and do believe Jesus is real....i have a hard time reconciling that with my feelings. I have a hard time approaching a female or joining a dating app without thinking of my beliefs and thinking that God is watching my actions.

I live in south florida and the haitian community is very close knit and knows everyones business, and i know i would be booted out and ostracized if i came out. Sometimes i feel like my only solution to keeping my life together is to move. Any advice?
 

Plantain Queen

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Do you live with you parents or rely on them financially? If so, I think you should wait until you're completely independent or find another support system.

Good luck.
 

CakeSlice

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Um...

Wow.

You’ve got a lot of personal growth to do before coming out to anyone. In my experience, being devout Christian and lesbian is a recipe for self-hate, confusion and a whole host of mental anguish.
 
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Do you live with you parents or rely on them financially? If so, I think you should wait until you're completely independent or find another support system.

Good luck.

I agree OP. You should try to be independent financially before coming out.

Do you think one of your parents might be more accepting than the other?
 

Razmatazz

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Another aspect is my religion..i am devoutly christian, grew up in the church and do believe Jesus is real....i have a hard time reconciling that with my feelings. I have a hard time approaching a female or joining a dating app without thinking of my beliefs and thinking that God is watching my actions.

No matter what, God loves you and no matter what anyone says, he loves you. Don't let anyone make you feel as if he doesn't because he does. Idaf if your mama says he doesn't, your daddy, or another font on here. He does and I need you to believe that. You will be sinning for the rest of your life whether you act upon your feelings or not, and he will still love you. This isn't to say that it's ok to go willy nilly and do whatever (ex. hurting someone, just because you can) but, God does not want you to hate yourself. This only causes more problems and can lead to you steering away from him. Continue to pray and maintain a relationship with him and, most importantly, listen to him.
 

Diva Hilary

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I'm Haitian and we have several of the younger generation that are gay, including my sis. Same very religious family structure. Pretty much everyone knows but nobody of the older generation talks about it or makes comments to them directly. I'm sure they gossip amongst themselves. My sis and cousins talk openly and freely about it with the young generation (30s and below) and all of us are really accepting. My sis even had her girlfriend show up to family functions as her "friend" lol. My mom and dad knew and I'm not sure they accepted it totally but they loved her at the end of the day and dealt with it. My mom just didn't want to see her with someone abusive. You might be surprised what reaction or non-reaction you get. In our family at this point it's like a don't ask, don't tell type of thing.
 
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OiseNoire27

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My older brother is gay. Almost all of older adults suspected and talked it about amongst themselves, but never openly brought it up, until one oblivious family member found out and outed him. Once it was openly brought up, he got a lot of pushback, but found support in an aunt who was more Americanized and open-minded. Nowadays, most family members are hush-hush about it and my brother has had to cut off some of them.

Like the others have said, I think you should wait until you're financially independent, because not everyone will be supportive and some people will have to be cut off.
 

CakeSlice

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Do you think it's the same for gay males? I'm so curious. I ask because it seems like I see a lot of gay men online talk about how they are active in church, choir, or whatever. They are all happy about it and it doesn't seem like a problem.

I’d say that any devout and samesex dating Christian would suffer mentally.

I do find that men are better able to compartmentalise their religion and their sexuality. Just like they can more easily separate xes and love etc.

So many gay men will use church as a dating club and not really, truly believe in the gospel.

The notible differences between the sexes:

For some reason women are more devout than men.

Men can separate xes and love due to their biology and own the domain of casual xes.

Misogyny is a bigger thing than misandry so that can affect the dynamics within the relationship.

Lesbians have less dating and xes partner availability than gay men.

Lesbian support community is smaller than gay men’s so staying lesbian is lonely hence why many jump ship.

All these things reinforce... lesbian self-hate.

This is just MY speculation from what I’ve seen. Don’t take it for gospel and add your own interpretation.
 

Anacaona Taino

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Damn OP I wish I could post anonymous to tell you about my lesbian Haitian cousin. Just know that it's not the worst thing you could be in 2020 and you will never know who you will receive love and support from. Some very prominent people are LGB. You will be ok.
 

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If you’re not financially independent then I would wait. If you’re, you have to live your life for you and not anyone else. I would say join some support groups or try to have convos with other gay Caribbean people about coming out.
 

incogneato

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Same boat op, and I'm late 20s. I've never had a man either and I lied to everyone and said I tried it with one of my friends so they wouldn't suspect me. Some people do side eye me when they ask me if I have a prospective boyfriend at family gatherings...I get really scared when the marriage conversations come up. I even lied on lsa about having had a boyfriend because I wanted to be someone else. Peer pressure really has kept me in the closet...and my ultra conservative family. I'm glad I can hide behind Jesus when they ask me why I haven't married (a man) yet. I just tell them I'm celibate but really I've had xes only with women and in secret...one girl I talk to wants me to cut my family off but I cannot do that...
 

TruetoMe

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Mid twenties, never had any type of man. Knew I was a lesbian probably from the time I was 14.

My family are very strict and conservative haitians who definitely do not agree with the lgbt lifestyle. My youngest minor siblings aren't even allowed to watch Disney/TV anymore due to all the shows with lgbtq characters.

By my age both of my parents(now separated) had families and kids. Im closing in on thirty and have neither. I have felt pressure from them to get a man but idk how to say it is not a man i want. Both of my younger adult siblings and older brother are coupled/have kids or both. Im surprised they havent suspected anything.

Its mental torment to have to keep it a secret. I dont want everyone up in my business but im tired or pretending to be attracted to men, or thinking one is cute when i have no desire for them. Im tired of having men recommended to me. Im tired of not feeling free to be with a female.

Another aspect is my religion..i am devoutly christian, grew up in the church and do believe Jesus is real....i have a hard time reconciling that with my feelings. I have a hard time approaching a female or joining a dating app without thinking of my beliefs and thinking that God is watching my actions.

I live in south florida and the haitian community is very close knit and knows everyones business, and i know i would be booted out and ostracized if i came out. Sometimes i feel like my only solution to keeping my life together is to move. Any advice?
You can't be a devout Christian while simultaneously pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman and being openly lesbian. The Bible does not allow that. Just like the Bible says it's a sin to have premarital xes, casual xes or lustful thoughts or adultery (for me as a heterosexual woman). So pick one or the other: you can leave the faith and live life pursuing a relationship with a woman or you can choose to be a Christian, but not both. As for your family, I can imagine it'd be hard to tell them the truth about who you are but they need to accept you for who you are.
 

Games

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You can't be a devout Christian while simultaneously pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman and being openly lesbian. The Bible does not allow that. Just like the Bible says it's a sin to have premarital xes, casual xes or lustful thoughts or adultery (for me as a heterosexual woman). So pick one or the other: you can leave the faith and live life pursuing a relationship with a woman or you can choose to be a Christian, but not both. As for your family, I can imagine it'd be hard to tell them the truth about who you are but they need to accept you for who you are.
You can be Christian and gay. Religion is what you make it. She can be both and simply distance herself from her close minded family.
 

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