fairymist
Team Owner
Great post!!!Indeed. It really does center on sociocultural/religious customs and expectations not catching up to our modern sensibilities re: marriage and household expectations and dynamic. If, historically, men were raised to believe they have to do the bare minimum, then this mindset is baked into our cultural psyche and the dating and marriage process.
I was in the middle of doing a study on dating, relationships and marriage dynamics when I met my now-husband. Social psychology as it relates to dating and relationships has long fascinated me, and it became a major factor in my dating process when I started dating again. My husband and I have frequent conversations about this subject matter, and I discuss these very matters with our older kids.
The way some modern women approach dating and relationships is the opposite way society approached marriage during our parents’ or grandparents’ days. Marriage, back then, was an arrangement for the sole purpose of passing on lineage and inheritance. Women were simply extensions of their husbands. They weren’t necessarily “free” to have their own preferences because their role was to be Proverbs 31 woman. As long as their husband provided the financial support, he was fulfilling his duty, his obligation. He didn’t need to be an involved or engaged parent. He didn’t need to have emotional awareness and intelligence. He didn’t need to have good communication skills. He didn’t need to be kind or supportive. He didn’t need to be loving. “Compatibility” beyond the sociocultural/religious norms, was not a priority. He just needed to be a “god-fearing man” that supported his family. This, today, isn’t much. But still, today, women are raised and encouraged to focus on the very traits, behaviors, background, etc., that past generations champion.
By the same token, men have been taught to prefer and seek meek, agreeable, submissive women who will assume “traditional” roles. They’re fine with their wives taking extended maternity leave even if that means their career trajectory will be negatively impactEd. After all, it’s the woman’s role and responsibility. I mean, LSA is known to champion the archetype that provides, “protects” (from what?), has a “good” personality (meaning...?), and has “good values” (defined in what way?). They’re not taught to factor in other components that greatly influence how these specific traits manifest and function in the relationship.
I see this time and again in my parenting groups. I’ve been active in probably two dozen pregnancy/baby groups across six babies over the last 16 years. I’ve witnessed young couples and older couples struggle to work due to ignored or glossed over incompatibilities. Because they relied on a set of standards or preferences that failed to consider those traits or characteristics (or lack of desired traits and components) impact the day to day interactions and dynamics of a marriage and household. The 24 year-old marrying her college sweetheart likely started dating him when her standards or criteria centered on how much fun they have, how they “get along,” attraction, and chemistry.
At 22, most single young women are not thinking, “Hmm. Will he get up at 2am to change the baby’s diaper or feed the baby while I pump?” They’re not thinking “What are his thoughts on an egalitarian relationship and household dynamic?” Or “does he exhibit healthy interpersonal dynamics and emotional intelligence?” No. They’re thinking he’s cute or hot, “nice” in some generic way, and fun to hangout with. What someone wants at 22, even if they work well together at that particular stage in life, may not work well once they have matured and fine tuned their preferences and taste and gone through some experiences to better inform their criteria and preferences.
But I see a lot of young women marrying their high school or college sweethearts that end up disappointed and resentful several years and two kids later when they realize their partner isn’t on the same page as them in the ways that matter at that stage of life. If someone’s goal is marriage and kids, no matter their age, they should do the necessary introspection to best figure out the kind of relationship and household dynamic they want and pick the traits, characteristics, behaviors, background, etc., etc., that can best facilitate that. Do you want a partner that supports your desire to SAH during the early years? Where do you stand on, say, educational options? Private or public school? Vaccinations or not vaccinations? Will the child(ren) be raised in the church, and if so, which church?
If you’re (general) thinking ahead into the future and researching your birthing options once you do get married and decide to have kids, will he be on the same page? What if you want a midwife, but he’s insistent that you see an OB? What if you choose to breastfeed and your spouse doesn’t agree with it? (I’ve seen countless new mothers vent about their asshole partner’s being jealous of their breastfed baby).
Do you (general) have compatible communication styles, temperament and love languages? Do your personality types clash? There are so many things to consider when choosing a partner to live with and share a household and [hopefully] raise kids with (since a lot of fathers are barely present and engaged in the day to day parenting routines).
I have this conversation with our oldest on a semi-regular basis as she’s fascinated by social and dating dynamics and the nature of relationship compatibility. We started having these conversations as she approached middle school. It starts with encouraging an understanding of emotional awareness and intelligence and interpersonal dynamics and how they are fundamental to healthy friendships and relationships. She understands how other aspects of one’s personality dimensions/traits, temperament, behaviors, background, thought processes, communication styles, commonalities, etc. can influence compatibility and relationship dynamics. She knows it’s important to factor in these components and to never settle for less than what she wants, based on her criteria.
I adore my husband. If I could build my ideal partner, I’d build him. But most men are trash. He knows this. I tell our older kids they only have control over their choices and what goes in to making those choices. Those choices are best made when they’ve completed college, grad school, lived their life, worked on their goals, and have a better idea who they are and the kind of relationship dynamic they’re best suited for.