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Since there's so much hate and bs on LSA,

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Ongina!

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I was thinking we should have a jokes forum. keep things lighthearted. I rather have a good time and get my dosage of sh!ts and giggles when I come to LSA instead of being pissed off.
 

COCONUT

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Patron81 said:
I was thinking we should have a jokes forum. keep things lighthearted. I rather have a good time and get my dosage of sh!ts and giggles when I come to LSA instead of being pissed off.

ok, there was a black man, white man, and chinese man....
 

EatPrayLove

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Yes, but all the bµllsh!t on this board is straight comedy so you SHOULD be laughing! Come on, grown ass women doing the dumb sh!t they do. I know that keeps me laughing!
 

CHEESE

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here ya go, ladies!

cover_bigbear.jpg
 

reinforcement

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Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say apple?
 

BigSixxRaven

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What part of Popeye never gets rusty?

The part he keeps in Olive Oyl!

ba da bump!
 

LilMissSunshine

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Why did the chicken cross tha road:


Because there was a black man behind him with a biscuit , hot sauce and a forty!!!:35:



What did teh chinese man order when he went to the Chinese Restaurant:


WataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH:joke:

Im sorry to all I have offended
 

wildfire

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Ok I Got One....ummmmm,wait!!!! I 'm Still Thinking...oh Here It Goes, No Wait....i Forgot,ahhh sh!t,oh Well I Tried To Give A Joke..but:ne_nau:
 

Cocaine

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Here's my contribution....

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
 

Ongina!

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lol yall are fools lol
 

Sheldon Cooper

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Next time you feel like staying home from work...
Tell your boss you have ANAL GLAUCOMA... You just can't SEE your ASS coming into work today....
 

Cocaine

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Here's another:

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
 

Ongina!

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damn im gonna have to use that one lol
 

Cocaine

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One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''
 

LilMissSunshine

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yellagirl3658 said:
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''


That is classic!!! Love em!!!
 

Cocaine

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
 

Cocaine

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants xes with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"



To hell with ya'll, I'll make my own self laugh!
 

MoniMo

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LMAO!!! Yella those were fuunnnny!!!thanks for the laugh..I needed that!
 

Cocaine

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And yet, there's more! Ya'll get on my damn nerves with all this fighting. I think I'm gonna add this to my list of "Only Look Here" threads.

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


There was a woman and her husband. They were happily married except for the fact that the husband never gave his wife any money.
One day, a friend of the husband's comes over while the wife was taking a shower. He rings the doorbell and the wife comes out, wrapped in a towel. He asks, "Is your husband home?"
She answers, "No, but he'll back in about 30 minutes. You can stay and wait for him if you want." The friend agrees and enters the house.

As the wife is about to enter the bedroom the friend says, "If you flash me I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The wife thinks about it, and decides that she does need some money of her own. So she agrees and flashes him. She was about to leave the room when he says, "If you model nude for me until your husband gets home, I'll give you two hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees. A couple of minutes later he says, "If you have xes with me, I'll give you three hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees.

After the xes, he leaves, saying he had other buisness to get to. She thinks happily about the six hundred dollars and what she would do with it. Her husband comes home and she says, "Honey, your friend came over today."

He replies, "Oh? Did he have the six hundred dollars he owed me?"
 

Cocaine

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Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
 

Cocaine

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This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate xes. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best xes you have ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."
 

Mrs. Envy~

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Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his
chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his
eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,I think Sal is dead!

What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what ?"



:biglaugh:
 

Cocaine

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A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
 

Cocaine

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their xes life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their xes life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your xes life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
 

Mrs. Envy~

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yellagirl3658 said:
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their xes life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their xes life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your xes life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

*DEAD*

Hell nawwwwwwwwwwww.....this sh!t is funnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
 

~YD~

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yellagirl3658 said:
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their xes life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their xes life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your xes life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

Hilarious!
 

Cocaine

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I'm finding myself getting lost in the bs. Back to the jokes I go!

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?&#8221;

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had xes with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
 

Cocaine

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One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, &#8220;penis&#8221; written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find &#8220;penis&#8221; on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: &#8220;The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.&#8221;
 

Cocaine

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A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having xes. The little boy asks his father &#8220;Daddy, what are they doing?&#8221; The father says, &#8220;Making a puppy.&#8221; So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having xes. The little boy says, &#8220;Daddy, what are you doing?&#8221; The father replies, &#8220;Making a baby.&#8221; The little boy says, &#8220;Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!&#8221;
 

Cocaine

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby &#8212; so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''
 

Cocaine

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A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, &#8220;What the hell are you doing?&#8221;
&#8220;I'm wearing my love dress,&#8221; responds the daughter-in-law, &#8220;We haven't made love in a long time.&#8221;

So the mother-in-law says, &#8220;Hm, maybe I should try that.&#8221;

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, &#8220;What the fµck are you doing?&#8221;

&#8220;I'm wearing my love dress,&#8221; says the wife.

&#8220;Well,&#8221; responds the husband, &#8220;it needs to be ironed.&#8221;
 

MelanieHamilton

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
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