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those in long term relationships .. please come and share some tips

Amandabby22

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It sounds like you still haven’t healed yourself fully and now you’re the one being borderline emotionally abusive. That may be a very strong word to express what you’re doing but you get the gist,

Annoyance with anyone is normal. If anything it’s expected after a certain amount of time. Going off is not despite how normalized it is. If you find yourself regularly going off either the issue is you or you’re not compatible with that person. You have to decide which applies to your situation.

The difference I’ve noticed is annoyance with a partner who’s treating me right is fleeting.. very temporary.. annoyance with a partner who’s already treating me in a way I don’t like quickly turns to anger and it lingers.
 

gunsounds

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It sounds like you still haven’t healed yourself fully and now you’re the one being borderline emotionally abusive. That may be a very strong word to express what you’re doing but you get the gist,

Annoyance with anyone is normal. If anything it’s expected after a certain amount of time. Going off is not despite how normalized it is. If you find yourself regularly going off either the issue is you or you’re not compatible with that person. You have to decide which applies to your situation.

The difference I’ve noticed is annoyance with a partner who’s treating me right is fleeting.. very temporary.. annoyance with a partner who’s already treating me in a way I don’t like quickly turns to anger and it lingers.

by go off I don’t mean that I yell or get aggressive, I just express that it’s annoying AF and leave it at that. I don’t stay mad for long unless it gets repetitive (and that’s with anyone). I guess I still have some healing to do but I don’t want to lose him. I just want to continue to get this under control by working with a therapist coz I don’t want to hurt him and thought talking to those with relationship experience could also help in how I deal with things coz I feel like I’m learning to be in a relationship all over again too. ugh :(
 

IrisOsiris

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I would say this is probably my first serious relationship. prior to that I have dated men but one situation was so bad it literally took me years to piece myself back together again and even to this day .. even though I have .. there are still broken parts of me as a result of the emotional abuse I was put through. dating men is difficult coz so many have unlikeable character traits .. and I feel like that has put me to a position to where I can't STAND certain behavior in men .. and it makes me go off without even realizing. the man I'm dating and I are still learning each other .. but ive realized I tend to make a big deal and go off on him if he does little things unintentionally like make sarcastic jokes, come across immature etc. I dont want to ruin our relationship before it's even really blossomed and grown but it's like everything annoys me or rather .. I get annoyed easily when I see reminders of behaviors in him that I dealt with in other aint sh!t men before him and it triggers me. I want to calm down and be able to control my emotions to where I dont trip every time something small happens. women in marriages/relationships, how do you deal with the annoying sh*t your man does? how do you keep your emotions in check and what's the best way to address something without it coming across argumentative or confrontational? how do you stay patient when your s/o is coming across annoying .. I hope this makes sense. Thank y'all.
My man never does annoying sh!t so i dont ever have a reason to ‘go off’. Mature humans discuss their issues rationally without acting like petulant little children.
 

quietlurker

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Does he know you are annoyed with these things? It sounds like you need to do some healing. I say open up to him and let him know that certain things that he does trigger you. Let him know you want things to last. Let him know you will go to therapy.

Go to therapy, look up self help books and podcasts (Therapy in a Nutshell and Therapy for Black Girls are two good ones to get started with). Stick with it. Because if he leaves, and you dont heal, you will still be triggered by the next guy you date and the cycle will continue.

My man is super annoying sometimes. And I know that I am super annoying sometimes too. But i know that I love him and he loves me and he is so good to me when it really counts. So when he does something stupid or irritating, I am able to laugh it off because in the grand scheme of things, I am lucky to have him.

Edited to say: major annoyances I have - which are rare - I'll have a conversation about. Calm tones, not out of anger or irritation.

If something major were to happen (cheating or the like) I would go off lol.
 

HeHypesMe

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I would say this is probably my first serious relationship. prior to that I have dated men but one situation was so bad it literally took me years to piece myself back together again and even to this day .. even though I have .. there are still broken parts of me as a result of the emotional abuse I was put through. dating men is difficult coz so many have unlikeable character traits .. and I feel like that has put me to a position to where I can't STAND certain behavior in men .. and it makes me go off without even realizing. the man I'm dating and I are still learning each other .. but ive realized I tend to make a big deal and go off on him if he does little things unintentionally like make sarcastic jokes, come across immature etc. I dont want to ruin our relationship before it's even really blossomed and grown but it's like everything annoys me or rather .. I get annoyed easily when I see reminders of behaviors in him that I dealt with in other aint sh!t men before him and it triggers me. I want to calm down and be able to control my emotions to where I dont trip every time something small happens. women in marriages/relationships, how do you deal with the annoying sh*t your man does? how do you keep your emotions in check and what's the best way to address something without it coming across argumentative or confrontational? how do you stay patient when your s/o is coming across annoying .. I hope this makes sense. Thank y'all.


Immaturity's a hard sale for me. That's what children are for, not spouses/life partners. It depends on what he's immature about and whether that behavior bleeds into more important facets of the relationship, such as financials.

I say be the best version of yourself or work towards that and, believe it or not, if you're dating a winner, he'll want to become a better version of himself, too. Communicate what you don't like about some of his behaviors and why, and if he's not empathetic that's another red flag. Give him space to air out what he might not like about your behavior and don't hold it against him, because you just did the same thing to him.

There's a way to remain calm and objective in your concerns and observations, but if all he's interested in is gaslighting you... that's the final red flag. Sorry.
 

inasundress

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This sounds like a fairly severe problem that doesn't match with the described behavior just being "annoying" or "immature...." Why would you ask for help tolerating mild annoyances? Additionally from what you've written you know the relationship is one foot out the door because you can't keep your behavior in check.

This thread is dishonest and you sound like an unreliable narrator. You may not be lying, you may just be in denial about something. Either way this reads like relevant context is missing and people can't help you solve a problem that sounds outsized from the stated conflict.
 

Brooklyn86

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It sounds more like he has red flags or you both aren’t compatible and you want to learn how to be with him anyway.
 

ROSSI

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You have to be careful with that because you'll have him walking on eggshells to not piss you off just by being himself. If he's a good guy and nothing is inherently wrong, it sounds like you're self sabotaging it or already looking for a way out. I would honestly recommend therapy
 

gunsounds

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This sounds like a fairly severe problem that doesn't match with the described behavior just being "annoying" or "immature...." Why would you ask for help tolerating mild annoyances? Additionally from what you've written you know the relationship is one foot out the door because you can't keep your behavior in check.

This thread is dishonest and you sound like an unreliable narrator. You may not be lying, you may just be in denial about something. Either way this reads like relevant context is missing and people can't help you solve a problem that sounds outsized from the stated conflict.

This response is so weird. what are you? Iyanla? I don’t like what I had to say .. but I said it because it is the truth and fonts have advised me accordingly since I mentioned my history and also talked about what’s happening now so that they could understand for context. I presented my dilemma and asked for friendly advice .. not projection
 

gunsounds

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I think the use of the word "annoying" is throwing people off. You're saying he does things that remind you of ain't sh!t men... as in, he intentionally tries to hurt you? Or do you mean he wears Affliction tees and acts like a tryhard but is actually a softie? walks with a swagger and acts way more confident/fuckboi-ish when he doesn't know you see?

if something's abusive, you should recognize it. but then I think people in LTRs turn a blind eye to mild/moderate abuse a lot of the time. or if you mean you can't like a man if he chews too loud etc, i've witnessed women be that picky.

I’ll explain to you via a PM, I don’t want to spill more of my tea on a site like this.
 

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