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Too Busy to be in a Relationship?

incogneato

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Long story short: I met this man and we have been on some dates and just generally seeing each other in the past 3 months. He is in finance and I am in the law field. We’re both mid to late twenties.

We’ve been hitting it off so well. He ticks every box for me. Point blank period I want a relationship and I stated that. He however claims that with his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.

He does work 70-80 hour weeks at times (which is true for people in finance) and has past failed relationships due to lack of quality time together. He said that has made him apprehensive about committing to another woman knowing that he is still working the same long hours. However, I still think his excuse is kind of lame.

I feel that if you really want to be with someone, you should try to make it work. But I am aware that I have a fairytale look on life. I always think true love should be easy but that may not be realistic.

I’m going to break things off but my ego is definitely bruised because this is technically rejection. And if you’re actively dating, you know how bad it is out there. I finally found someone who I wanted to be with and of course this happens.

My question for LSA is would you believe him? What would you do? How would you get over this?

I would prefer answers from people who have actually dated or been in relationships. No offense to those who haven’t.
 

The0ne

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believe him or not he said can’t do it

it sounds legit though but even finance guys have relationships so who knows
 

LaBelleChose

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Unfortunately, the translation is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He will miraculously find time for a woman he truly wants. I have personal experience with this

Why is this only coming up three months into the dating? Next time you need to make your desire for a relationship clear within the first couple of dates. What you say is something like: “I want to make it clear, I’m not dating just to date, I’m looking for a LTR and marriage with the right person, and so I only want to date men who have a similar goal.” And then if the man gives you a lame excuse like this, immediately walk away.

I’m also a fan of continuing to date multiple guys until one of them steps up to the plate (assuming the feelings are mutual). That way you aren’t just wasting your time putting all your eggs in one basket.

(And yes I have experience with dating and am currently married.)
 

Bella8933

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Long story short: I met this man and we have been on some dates and just generally seeing each other in the past 3 months. He is in finance and I am in the law field. We’re both mid to late twenties.

We’ve been hitting it off so well. He ticks every box for me. Point blank period I want a relationship and I stated that. He however claims that with his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.

He does work 70-80 hour weeks at times (which is true for people in finance) and has past failed relationships due to lack of quality time together. He said that has made him apprehensive about committing to another woman knowing that he is still working the same long hours. However, I still think his excuse is kind of lame.

I feel that if you really want to be with someone, you should try to make it work. But I am aware that I have a fairytale look on life. I always think true love should be easy but that may not be realistic.

I’m going to break things off but my ego is definitely bruised because this is technically rejection. And if you’re actively dating, you know how bad it is out there. I finally found someone who I wanted to be with and of course this happens.

My question for LSA is would you believe him? What would you do? How would you get over this?

I would prefer answers from people who have actually dated or been in relationships. No offense to those who haven’t.

I am an older font. :) I have been in relationships and I am a widow.

When a guy tells you who he is .... believe him. :/

He just said '.. his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.'

In other words ´I do not want a relationship with you'. But ... he wants a relationship with someone.

This doesn't mean you are chopped liver and he wants prime rib. :) It just means you aren't the one for HIM.

If you stick around after THAT discussion ... you will be demoted to fkbuddy status and he will lose respect for you. So get out now.

But did you already sleep with him because if you did - game over. Itś too late to start making requirements on a man if you have already had xes with.

The Order of Things:

When you meet someone you like and click with and you know this is the kind of guy want a relationship with ... do this.

- on the 2nd or 3td date while he is in a good mood and relaxed .. put him to The Question. Lower your voice, look at him seriously and ask ´ Soo what do you want from me? What are you looking for?'

This will throw him off balance but 99% of the time he will tell you the truth. If he says 'he just wants to kick it, see where this goes' or anything like that.. he just wants xes and no relationship.

- So then you know where his head is at and you should stop seeing him. Period. NO MAN is going to meet the woman of his dreams and come up with that 'I work long hours' BS which he knows will surely run you off. Noooo.

- The next time he asks you out - say no, you are not compatible and move on.

Alllll of this BEFORE you have any xesual contact at all.

I can't tell you how many guys I was so hot for that fit my criteria but gave me that same BS ... but I knew that just means he does not want ME.

I was let down but I also felt GREAT that I didn't give him my body because then I would have been crushed to hear he 'just wants to kick it'.

My advice is to take a lesson. No xes until you find out if he wants what you want.

At this point dump this guy.
 

NarcoticVenus

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We’ve been hitting it off so well. He ticks every box for me. Point blank period I want a relationship and I stated that.
If he hasn't asked you to be in a relationship by 3 months, just walk away. You telling him (basically asking him) you want a relationship is giving him the power over the future of the relationship.
He however claims that with his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.
i.e. He wants to keep the door open for a rainy day.
He does work 70-80 hour weeks at times (which is true for people in finance) and has past failed relationships due to lack of quality time together.
I doubt that is the real reason.
He said that has made him apprehensive about committing to another woman knowing that he is still working the same long hours. However, I still think his excuse is kind of lame.
It is.
I feel that if you really want to be with someone, you should try to make it work.
If you really want to you will. It looks like he does not want to.
But I am aware that I have a fairytale look on life. I always think true love should be easy but that may not be realistic.
That's true. It is easy when both parties want the same thing.
I’m going to break things off but my ego is definitely bruised because this is technically rejection.
At three months with no exclusivity, you should still be dating others and keeping your emotions in check. Don't get so invested at this point. When we really want to be in a relationship, we are desperate to make any likey prospect into The One. But that is never a good idea. He has to want the same thing organically. You can't argue, negotiate, love, cook or xes your way into a relationship with a man who doesn't want one.
And if you’re actively dating, you know how bad it is out there. I finally found someone who I wanted to be with and of course this happens.

My question for LSA is would you believe him? What would you do? How would you get over this?

I would prefer answers from people who have actually dated or been in relationships. No offense to those who haven’t.
Again, you are too anxious and invested. Yeah, it sux when it doesn't work out, but if you keep it in perspective, it should only hurt for a short time because you will be busy dating the rest of your roster and replacing his spot.
I’m also a fan of continuing to date multiple guys until one of them steps up to the plate (assuming the feelings are mutual). That way you aren’t just wasting your time putting all your eggs in one basket.
This.
 

incogneato

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If he hasn't asked you to be in a relationship by 3 months, just walk away. You telling him (basically asking him) you want a relationship is giving him the power over the future of the relationship.

i.e. He wants to keep the door open for a rainy day.

I doubt that is the real reason.

It is.

If you really want to you will. It looks like he does not want to.

That's true. It is easy when both parties want the same thing.

At three months with no exclusivity, you should still be dating others and keeping your emotions in check. Don't get so invested at this point. When we really want to be in a relationship, we are desperate to make any likey prospect into The One. But that is never a good idea. He has to want the same thing organically. You can't argue, negotiate, love, cook or xes your way into a relationship with a man who doesn't want one.

Again, you are too anxious and invested. Yeah, it sux when it doesn't work out, but if you keep it in perspective, it should only hurt for a short time because you will be busy dating the rest of your roster and replacing his spot.

This.
Thanks for your response although I am curious. Why is telling a man your desire to be in a relationship a bad thing or seen as giving him power? If I just waited for him to say something, wouldn’t that still be giving him the power to decide when our relationship progresses?
 

incogneato

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I am an older font. :) I have been in relationships and I am a widow.

When a guy tells you who he is .... believe him. :/

He just said '.. his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.'

In other words ´I do not want a relationship with you'. But ... he wants a relationship with someone.

This doesn't mean you are chopped liver and he wants prime rib. :) It just means you aren't the one for HIM.

If you stick around after THAT discussion ... you will be demoted to fkbuddy status and he will lose respect for you. So get out now.

But did you already sleep with him because if you did - game over. Itś too late to start making requirements on a man if you have already had xes with.

The Order of Things:

When you meet someone you like and click with and you know this is the kind of guy want a relationship with ... do this.

- on the 2nd or 3td date while he is in a good mood and relaxed .. put him to The Question. Lower your voice, look at him seriously and ask ´ Soo what do you want from me? What are you looking for?'

This will throw him off balance but 99% of the time he will tell you the truth. If he says 'he just wants to kick it, see where this goes' or anything like that.. he just wants xes and no relationship.

- So then you know where his head is at and you should stop seeing him. Period. NO MAN is going to meet the woman of his dreams and come up with that 'I work long hours' BS which he knows will surely run you off. Noooo.

- The next time he asks you out - say no, you are not compatible and move on.

Alllll of this BEFORE you have any xesual contact at all.

I can't tell you how many guys I was so hot for that fit my criteria but gave me that same BS ... but I knew that just means he does not want ME.

I was let down but I also felt GREAT that I didn't give him my body because then I would have been crushed to hear he 'just wants to kick it'.

My advice is to take a lesson. No xes until you find out if he wants what you want.

At this point dump this guy.
Unfortunately, the translation is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He will miraculously find time for a woman he truly wants. I have personal experience with this

Why is this only coming up three months into the dating? Next time you need to make your desire for a relationship clear within the first couple of dates. What you say is something like: “I want to make it clear, I’m not dating just to date, I’m looking for a LTR and marriage with the right person, and so I only want to date men who have a similar goal.” And then if the man gives you a lame excuse like this, immediately walk away.

I’m also a fan of continuing to date multiple guys until one of them steps up to the plate (assuming the feelings are mutual). That way you aren’t just wasting your time putting all your eggs in one basket.

(And yes I have experience with dating and am currently married.)

Thank you both for the advice. I knew in the back of my mind when he said that he couldn’t do a relationship, the “with you” was silent.

It’s just hard not to take it personally sometimes. But I’ll charge it to the game and move on.
 

NarcoticVenus

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Thanks for your response although I am curious. Why is telling a man your desire to be in a relationship a bad thing or seen as giving him power? If I just waited for him to say something, wouldn’t that still be giving him the power to decide when our relationship progresses?
They always decide who they commit to anyway. But now he is the one who has to earn a committment from you, not the other way around. Instead of you waiting on him to choose you, he has to lock you down if he wants you. If he doesn't have to work for you he won't value you. Remember you are dating at least 2 other guys at the same time so he will have to compete for your time and attention. He is the pursuer, not you.

Most men (90%+) do not date saying they want a relationship. They date to have xes and be entertained. But, if he meets a woman who is great and exactly what he wants, it doesn't matter what he said before. He will not let you go anywhere.

When he asks what you are looking for, tell him you like things to develop organically.

Some women feel that if they say they just want to go with the flow, the guy will pump and dump. That's why you don't sleep with him. Let him work for you and court you while you continue to vet for the next 1-3 months. By that time, he knows you enough to decide whether he wants you in his life long term.

Let him understand that dating privileges are different from boyfriend privileges which are different from wife privileges. If he wants the upgrade, he has to make the commitment. Let him imagine how great it would be to have you all to himself. But there is a price for that exclusivity. You aren't telling him he needs to commit to you, you are simply saying if you want more of me, there will be strings attached.

If he has not asked you to be in a relationship by the end of the third month, leave. You should be at various stages of the same process with the other 2 on your roster anyway so if he gets cut, good riddance and now you can replace him.
 

incogneato

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They always decide who they commit to anyway. But now he is the one who has to earn a committment from you, not the other way around. Instead of you waiting on him to choose you, he has to lock you down if he wants you. If he doesn't have to work for you he won't value you. Remember you are dating at least 2 other guys at the same time so he will have to compete for your time and attention. He is the pursuer, not you.

Most men (90%+) do not date saying they want a relationship. They date to have xes and be entertained. But, if he meets a woman who is great and exactly what he wants, it doesn't matter what he said before. He will not let you go anywhere.

When he asks what you are looking for, tell him you like things to develop organically.

Some women feel that if they say they just want to go with the flow, the guy will pump and dump. That's why you don't sleep with him. Let him work for you and court you while you continue to vet for the next 1-3 months. By that time, he knows you enough to decide whether he wants you in his life long term.

Let him understand that dating privileges are different from boyfriend privileges which are different from wife privileges. If he wants the upgrade, he has to make the commitment. Let him imagine how great it would be to have you all to himself. But there is a price for that exclusivity. You aren't telling him he needs to commit to you, you are simply saying if you want more of me, there will be strings attached.

If he has not asked you to be in a relationship by the end of the third month, leave. You should be at various stages of the same process with the other 2 on your roster anyway so if he gets cut, good riddance and now you can replace him.
Thank you. This is actually great advice
 

PoppinQueen7

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Unfortunately, the translation is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He will miraculously find time for a woman he truly wants. I have personal experience with this

Why is this only coming up three months into the dating? Next time you need to make your desire for a relationship clear within the first couple of dates. What you say is something like: “I want to make it clear, I’m not dating just to date, I’m looking for a LTR and marriage with the right person, and so I only want to date men who have a similar goal.” And then if the man gives you a lame excuse like this, immediately walk away.

I’m also a fan of continuing to date multiple guys until one of them steps up to the plate (assuming the feelings are mutual). That way you aren’t just wasting your time putting all your eggs in one basket.

(And yes I have experience with dating and am currently married.)
I am an older font. I have been in relationships and I am a widow.

When a guy tells you who he is .... believe him. :/

He just said '.. his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.'

In other words ´I do not want a relationship with you'. But ... he wants a relationship with someone.

This doesn't mean you are chopped liver and he wants prime rib. It just means you aren't the one for HIM.

If you stick around after THAT discussion ... you will be demoted to fkbuddy status and he will lose respect for you. So get out now.

But did you already sleep with him because if you did - game over. Itś too late to start making requirements on a man if you have already had xes with.

The Order of Things:

When you meet someone you like and click with and you know this is the kind of guy want a relationship with ... do this.

- on the 2nd or 3td date while he is in a good mood and relaxed .. put him to The Question. Lower your voice, look at him seriously and ask ´ Soo what do you want from me? What are you looking for?'

This will throw him off balance but 99% of the time he will tell you the truth. If he says 'he just wants to kick it, see where this goes' or anything like that.. he just wants xes and no relationship.

- So then you know where his head is at and you should stop seeing him. Period. NO MAN is going to meet the woman of his dreams and come up with that 'I work long hours' BS which he knows will surely run you off. Noooo.

- The next time he asks you out - say no, you are not compatible and move on.

Alllll of this BEFORE you have any xesual contact at all.

I can't tell you how many guys I was so hot for that fit my criteria but gave me that same BS ... but I knew that just means he does not want ME.

I was let down but I also felt GREAT that I didn't give him my body because then I would have been crushed to hear he 'just wants to kick it'.

My advice is to take a lesson. No xes until you find out if he wants what you want.

At this point dump this guy.

I could be wrong but maybe he doesn’t want to be in relationship. If he’s young, he may just want xes and maybe a relationship later. I don’t why this always equates to “he doesn’t want a relationship with you” logic. I’ve had men that didn’t want a relationship at that time but came back around because they were ready for one.
 

877CashNow

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He told you what time it is and now you should leave him al the way alone. He should not be able to benefit from you, your time, your communication, etc.
 

TaniJay

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You need to leave him alone before your feelings are in too deep. He told he doesn't have time for a relationship and his work has affected past relationships. Why still entertain him? He may or may not change......for you. He seems like he wants you to chase him or prove to him that your worth his time.
 

LaBelleChose

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I could be wrong but maybe he doesn’t want to be in relationship. If he’s young, he may just want xes and maybe a relationship later. I don’t why this always equates to “he doesn’t want a relationship with you” logic. I’ve had men that didn’t want a relationship at that time but came back around because they were ready for one.
What you suggest is possible, but in my experience (and that of others I know) even the guys who think they don’t want a relationship end up wanting one with a woman who inspired them to forgo all other options. Regardless, the OP did not inspire this man to commit to a relationship. This is not a knock on OP - no doubt she will inspire other men to commit, just not this guy... and there’s no point in trying to squeeze a round peg into a square hole.
 

The0ne

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Thanks for your response although I am curious. Why is telling a man your desire to be in a relationship a bad thing or seen as giving him power? If I just waited for him to say something, wouldn’t that still be giving him the power to decide when our relationship progresses?
Showing your cards. Revealing your intentions so he knows how to play you. He doesn’t need to know how you feel, no man does. Just because you said you wanted a relationship doesn’t mean you’ll get one so what’s the point of telling him? He is still going to do what he wants to do. Keep it to yourself next time
 

the_spiral

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Showing your cards. Revealing your intentions so he knows how to play you. He doesn’t need to know how you feel, no man does. Just because you said you wanted a relationship doesn’t mean you’ll get one so what’s the point of telling him? He is still going to do what he wants to do. Keep it to yourself next time
Honestly this approach comes from a fear of vulnerability and sounds like an exhausting way to manage relationships. I'd much rather tell a man upfront what I'm looking for and let him decide whether or not he can provide that. If he uses that as an excuse to try and "play" me, his ass is getting kicked to the curb anyway. I don't have time for games.

Long story short: I met this man and we have been on some dates and just generally seeing each other in the past 3 months. He is in finance and I am in the law field. We’re both mid to late twenties.

We’ve been hitting it off so well. He ticks every box for me. Point blank period I want a relationship and I stated that. He however claims that with his career he is too busy for one. He said he understands if I don’t want to see him anymore. His logic is that he would rather us end on a good note and if we ever cross paths in the future where we’re both available, maybe we can try then.

He does work 70-80 hour weeks at times (which is true for people in finance) and has past failed relationships due to lack of quality time together. He said that has made him apprehensive about committing to another woman knowing that he is still working the same long hours. However, I still think his excuse is kind of lame.

I feel that if you really want to be with someone, you should try to make it work. But I am aware that I have a fairytale look on life. I always think true love should be easy but that may not be realistic.

I’m going to break things off but my ego is definitely bruised because this is technically rejection. And if you’re actively dating, you know how bad it is out there. I finally found someone who I wanted to be with and of course this happens.

My question for LSA is would you believe him? What would you do? How would you get over this?

I would prefer answers from people who have actually dated or been in relationships. No offense to those who haven’t.
In my experience, "I'm too busy for a relationship right now" is usually a polite way of saying "I don't want to be in a relationship." If it was a priority for him, he'd make the time. But even if he's telling the truth, does it really matter? Either way, he's not available for a relationship. I sympathize with you and know the rejection stings, but I think in the long run you'll realize he did you a favor. Because like other fonts are saying, other men might use that information to string you along and waste your time. He told you where he was at, and now you know you're not on the same page. This is an opportunity for you to move on and find someone who wants the same thing you do.
 

The0ne

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Honestly this approach comes from a fear of vulnerability and sounds like an exhausting way to manage relationships. I'd much rather tell a man upfront what I'm looking for and let him decide whether or not he can provide that. If he uses that as an excuse to try and "play" me, his ass is getting kicked to the curb anyway. I don't have time for games.


In my experience, "I'm too busy for a relationship right now" is usually a polite way of saying "I don't want to be in a relationship." If it was a priority for him, he'd make the time. But even if he's telling the truth, does it really matter? Either way, he's not available for a relationship. I sympathize with you and know the rejection stings, but I think in the long run you'll realize he did you a favor. Because like other fonts are saying, other men might use that information to string you along and waste your time. He told you where he was at, and now you know you're not on the same page. This is an opportunity for you to move on and find someone who wants the same thing you do.

good for you. I prefer to keep my intentions concealed, in romantic and good platonic interactions. Nothing exhausting about sitting back and observing, and being vulnerable with a stranger is dangerous. What has a stranger done to earn your vulnerability?
 

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good for you. I prefer to keep my intentions concealed, in romantic and good platonic interactions. Nothing exhausting about sitting back and observing, and being vulnerable with a stranger is dangerous. What has a stranger done to earn your vulnerability?
I'm not knocking what works for you in your romantic & platonic life, and I thought your overall advice (to not be so outcome dependent) was solid. But this isn't a stranger or a first date, it's someone she's been dating for 3 months. And she has every right to express her desires and ask for clarity on his to avoid wasting her time. If she sat back and observed him for longer, it wouldn't likely change the outcome that he doesn't want a relationship with her. She'd just be spending more time & energy on a man who doesn't want a relationship with her. What works for you isn't going to work for everyone.
 

The0ne

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I'm not knocking what works for you in your romantic & platonic life, and I thought your overall advice (to not be so outcome dependent) was solid. But this isn't a stranger or a first date, it's someone she's been dating for 3 months. And she has every right to express her desires and ask for clarity on his to avoid wasting her time. If she sat back and observed him for longer, it wouldn't likely change the outcome that he doesn't want a relationship with her. She'd just be spending more time & energy on a man who doesn't want a relationship with her. What works for you isn't going to work for everyone.
3 months is still a stranger
 

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He's not interested in a relationship. He wants to keep things as they are, like a friends with benefits thing.

It's best to move on and let the man who isn't so "busy" find you.
 

DrNurse2014

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Move on. Trust me I’ve met physicians, bankers, and attorneys, and best believe they find plenty of time to date. Too busy means he doesn’t want make the time for you.
 

incogneato

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Not OP, but this happened to me a few weeks ago. I was talking to a guy for a couple of months, from the beginning I told him I was seeking a relationship and he told me he wanted the same thing. As soon as lockdown lifted all of a sudden he was too busy for a relationship but wanted us to keep talking. I felt like he was setting me up for a fwb so I dipped. I suggest you do the same. People make time for those they value
 

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