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Toxicity of Black Mother-Daughter dynamic

BRIAAAA

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*Keep in mind, I know most mother-daughter relationship have struggles. I’m just focusing on those like my own. Black mothers & daughters.

I’m in a place where I simply am not sure if I’d like to continue a relationship with my mother anymore. Then, these posts coincidentally pop up.

Here, Iyanla checks the mother for her attitude towards her children’s decisions/opinions in life. Pretty much tells her, they don’t talk to you because they don’t feel like they can. SAAAAMMME!!!!




Here, there’s a thread of people discussing mothers constant criticism of their daughters. Essentially saying mom is the first bully they’ve ever witnessed.



Just me venting:

My mom is the type to tell you you’re lying/wrong, if you have an opinion that is not hers. She’s the type to scream over you, never let you talk & then think she “won” the argument. She’s the type to never apologize. The type to put more pressure on girls than boys. The type to be physical with her children, when punishing (whoopings, not beatings to be clear). She’s the type to never communicate effectively, so open discussions weren’t a thing in our household.

My sisters and I have always had different responses to my mother attacking us on different things. I’m the oldest (24yo) & the type to scream back or return her attitude.

Sister #1 (21 yo) is the type to withdraw from the conversation when being screamed at. She will literally walk out or hang up. You will not disturb her energy. Smart girl to me. I wish I had the self control. I’ve given my mother too much of my negative energy.

Sister #2 (14yo) is emotional. She’ll be justified in what she’s discussing, but the second someone gets loud and angry, she’s crying & frazzled.

My step-brother pretty much avoids her. He can easily leave and go to his mom’s house, if she’s at him.

The baby sister isn’t there yet. She’s not at the point where she wants to be away from my mother yet. But, she does say, they all run & hide when she comes home. She’s always complaining about something. She’s only 10.

Both of my mother’s grown children, have moved to other cities to escape her. I feel like it’s only a matter of time for the rest.

All I ever wanted was to be spoken to like a human being. But, in many Black households, kids are to be seen & not heard. So having an opinion, “shouldn’t” exist. Communication is key to me and I’m tired of having to yell my point over another person. I’m tired and it’s quite frankly childish.
 

Bella8933

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*Keep in mind, I know most mother-daughter relationship have struggles. I’m just focusing on those like my own. Black mothers & daughters.

I’m in a place where I simply am not sure if I’d like to continue a relationship with my mother anymore. Then, these posts coincidentally pop up.

Here, Iyanla checks the mother for her attitude towards her children’s decisions/opinions in life. Pretty much tells her, they don’t talk to you because they don’t feel like they can. SAAAAMMME!!!!




Here, there’s a thread of people discussing mothers constant criticism of their daughters. Essentially saying mom is the first bully they’ve ever witnessed.



Just me venting:

My mom is the type to tell you you’re lying/wrong, if you have an opinion that is not hers. She’s the type to scream over you, never let you talk & then think she “won” the argument. She’s the type to never apologize. The type to put more pressure on girls than boys. The type to be physical with her children, when punishing (whoopings, not beatings to be clear). She’s the type to never communicate effectively, so open discussions weren’t a thing in our household.

My sisters and I have always had different responses to my mother attacking us on different things. I’m the oldest (24yo) & the type to scream back or return her attitude.

Sister #1 (21 yo) is the type to withdraw from the conversation when being screamed at. She will literally walk out or hang up. You will not disturb her energy. Smart girl to me. I wish I had the self control. I’ve given my mother too much of my negative energy.

Sister #2 (14yo) is emotional. She’ll be justified in what she’s discussing, but the second someone gets loud and angry, she’s crying & frazzled.

My step-brother pretty much avoids her. He can easily leave and go to his mom’s house, if she’s at him.

The baby sister isn’t there yet. She’s not at the point where she wants to be away from my mother yet. But, she does say, they all run & hide when she comes home. She’s always complaining about something. She’s only 10.

Both of my mother’s grown children, have moved to other cities to escape her. I feel like it’s only a matter of time for the rest.

All I ever wanted was to be spoken to like a human being. But, in many Black households, kids are to be seen & not heard. So having an opinion, “shouldn’t” exist. Communication is key to me and I’m tired of having to yell my point over another person. I’m tired and it’s quite frankly childish.


First of all... All black households are not fked up like this. I don't consider this to be the norm. :/ This is just your bad situation

Second .. I'm sorry you had to live in that household with a toxic mother. At 24 years old my advice to you is to stay away from your mother (go NO CONTACT) and get into therapy.
 

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First of all... All black households are not fked up like this. I don't consider this to be the norm. :/ This is just your bad situation

Second .. I'm sorry you had to live in that household with a toxic mother. At 24 years old my advice to you is to stay away from your mother (go NO CONTACT) and get into therapy.
Are you really doing this? Trying to downplay the obvious? Don’t sit up here and act like this is a one off thing. Black women do bully other black women. We treat each other horribly. There are many black women who have put men above their daughters, be raped by their men and blame the daughter for being fast instead of protecting her. Stop acting like this doesn’t happen on a regular basis. The way y’all hate your skin tone and hair and go on and on about not being desired shows me that this isn’t rare.
 

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Well, thank God my mom isn't abusive. I'm sorry that you have a toxic mom OP. Hopefully she will change before it is too late
 

UPS Guy

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I think this has more to do with how much responsibility and baggage is put on mothers.

Most fathers tend to have a more hands off approach during children's upbringing and it's the mothers who tend to carry the load and nurturing.

My mom was a terror in our household when we were younger, but it took me getting older and maturing to understands lots of her frustration and anger.

I found out with the past 5 years that was severely depressed and on medication during our childhood.

My dad only was called to step in for bigger situations and he would say stuff every now and then, but it was my mom who really did most of the laboring in raising us.

Btw, we all have great relationships with my mom except for my sister, but my sister brings it on herself.
 

BLKBAMBI

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I think this has more to do with how much responsibility and baggage is put on mothers.

Most fathers tend to have a more hands off approach during children's upbringing and it's the mothers who tend to carry the load and nurturing.

My mom was a terror in our household when we were younger, but it took me getting older and maturing to understands lots of her frustration and anger.

I found out with the past 5 years that was severely depressed and on medication during our childhood.

My dad only was called to step in for bigger situations and he would say stuff every now and then, but it was my mom who really did most of the laboring in raising us.

Btw, we all have great relationships with my mom except for my sister, but my sister brings it on herself.
That is not true. But its the excuse that has been tossed around to excuse abusive black mothers.
It has more to do with that a lot of females are just bad people and/or were NOT meant to be good parents.
....
 

Beverly417

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Some moms want their daughters to be miserable just like them. They sabotage and guilt their daughter for finding joy. They want to break their daughters spirits. The spirit of jealousy can be stronger than a mother-daughter bond.

A mom at my parent’s church slapped her elementary school aged daughter in the face all because she came home happy after a week long summer camp.
 

Amandabby22

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I want to see the whole episode because my face scrunched up at the 3 month portion and already meeting his family. With men you just never really know and I would hate to watch my child get excited about something that I know may not play out the way they think it’s gonna play out.

But I’m sure they have more reasons than this example as to why they don’t tell their mother anything.
 

BRIAAAA

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I think this has more to do with how much responsibility and baggage is put on mothers.

Most fathers tend to have a more hands off approach during children's upbringing and it's the mothers who tend to carry the load and nurturing.

My mom was a terror in our household when we were younger, but it took me getting older and maturing to understands lots of her frustration and anger.

I found out with the past 5 years that was severely depressed and on medication during our childhood.

My dad only was called to step in for bigger situations and he would say stuff every now and then, but it was my mom who really did most of the laboring in raising us.

Btw, we all have great relationships with my mom except for my sister, but my sister brings it on herself.
I think you’re onto something. When I was a child, my father was in jail, so my mom raised us alone. I don’t mean to describe her as abusive, she was just toxic, angry and seemed to take it out on us. It was & is hard to communicate with her.
 

BRIAAAA

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Some moms want their daughters to be miserable just like them. They sabotage and guilt their daughter for finding joy. They want to break their daughters spirits. The spirit of jealousy can be stronger than a mother-daughter bond.

A mom at my parent’s church slapped her elementary school aged daughter in the face all because she came home happy after a week long summer camp.
My mother slapped my 10yo little sister earlier this month for not putting deodorant on right away. It made my aunt, who whoops her kids, mad as hell. She said she felt disrespected at my mom doing that. I think my mom is going through something she’s not communicating with us.
 

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My mother slapped my 10yo little sister earlier this month for not putting deodorant on right away. It made my aunt, who whoops her kids, mad as hell. She said she felt disrespected at my mom doing that. I think my mom is going through something she’s not communicating with us.
Hitting your kid over deodorant? What the fµck? This doesn’t make any sense. I don’t believe in hitting children, period and there is just no excuse for this.
 

Gudetama1992

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The 3-month thing makes me worried, but I also think there were probably so many important things they felt couldn't share with their mother. I have a similar relationship like that with my mom and grandma. I don't want to let them in on too much, not even my health journey. My grandma was a terror growing and my mom was absent due to drugs and sh!tty relationships that kept her from me and my siblings in large chunks throughout my childhood. I tried staying with her for a bit, but it was awful, and while I do still love her, I never want to live long term with her or my grandma. In fact, my grandmother was an even worse mother when my mom and aunt were girls. I'm sorry OP, it's just a super complicated thing and I hope the cycle can be broken.
 

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*Keep in mind, I know most mother-daughter relationship have struggles. I’m just focusing on those like my own. Black mothers & daughters.

I’m in a place where I simply am not sure if I’d like to continue a relationship with my mother anymore. Then, these posts coincidentally pop up.

Here, Iyanla checks the mother for her attitude towards her children’s decisions/opinions in life. Pretty much tells her, they don’t talk to you because they don’t feel like they can. SAAAAMMME!!!!




Here, there’s a thread of people discussing mothers constant criticism of their daughters. Essentially saying mom is the first bully they’ve ever witnessed.



Just me venting:

My mom is the type to tell you you’re lying/wrong, if you have an opinion that is not hers. She’s the type to scream over you, never let you talk & then think she “won” the argument. She’s the type to never apologize. The type to put more pressure on girls than boys. The type to be physical with her children, when punishing (whoopings, not beatings to be clear). She’s the type to never communicate effectively, so open discussions weren’t a thing in our household.

My sisters and I have always had different responses to my mother attacking us on different things. I’m the oldest (24yo) & the type to scream back or return her attitude.

Sister #1 (21 yo) is the type to withdraw from the conversation when being screamed at. She will literally walk out or hang up. You will not disturb her energy. Smart girl to me. I wish I had the self control. I’ve given my mother too much of my negative energy.

Sister #2 (14yo) is emotional. She’ll be justified in what she’s discussing, but the second someone gets loud and angry, she’s crying & frazzled.

My step-brother pretty much avoids her. He can easily leave and go to his mom’s house, if she’s at him.

The baby sister isn’t there yet. She’s not at the point where she wants to be away from my mother yet. But, she does say, they all run & hide when she comes home. She’s always complaining about something. She’s only 10.

Both of my mother’s grown children, have moved to other cities to escape her. I feel like it’s only a matter of time for the rest.

All I ever wanted was to be spoken to like a human being. But, in many Black households, kids are to be seen & not heard. So having an opinion, “shouldn’t” exist. Communication is key to me and I’m tired of having to yell my point over another person. I’m tired and it’s quite frankly childish.

Your situation completely mirrors my own experiences and frankly it's exhausting. I think my attitude to my mum has been a mix of all of your siblings. Now I am planning to go to therapy and not waste energy on a situation that doesn't look like ever changing. Best of luck to you
 

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Some women have pick me running strongly within. My mom does. I can so no right. She talks at me and not to me. Covid hit and I broke my ankle. Didn't hear from her for weeks...plural. Coworkers called before she did

We do family zoom now with extended family and I started going. Now she calls if I'm not there because family says I'm a breath of fresh air. Before that, a bish didn't exist.

I'm done. There's a LOT more but my energy needs to be protected. How many years and chances does one give? How can someone carry a child for nine months, 40 weeks and because they have a vagina, like you, you can't relate?

Hell naw. I'm good!
 

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"I was hurt and so will you";
" We all suffered, you're not special".
Many of us are jealous of the happiness and freedom we see the younger generation getting. We endured being used and abused so now the compensation is having someone to use and abuse.
This is plays out in every setting with a hierarchy, from military to fraternities/sororities and boarding schools.
"As it was done to us, so we will do to you"
Sad.
 

ooTOPAZoo

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Are you really doing this? Trying to downplay the obvious? Don’t sit up here and act like this is a one off thing. Black women do bully other black women. We treat each other horribly. There are many black women who have put men above their daughters, be raped by their men and blame the daughter for being fast instead of protecting her. Stop acting like this doesn’t happen on a regular basis. The way y’all hate your skin tone and hair and go on and on about not being desired shows me that this isn’t rare.
Ugh so annoying. If it doesn't apply let it fly. I hate the gaslighting people engage in when they haven't personally experienced something. Everyone knows black parenting can be very harsh.
 

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That is not true. But its the excuse that has been tossed around to excuse abusive black mothers.
It has more to do with that a lot of females are just bad people and/or were NOT meant to be good parents.
....

I've noticed that a lot of black mothers are very male-identified and they have different standards for their daughters and sons. My mother's not perfect and I have a good relationship with her but my older brother's therapist told her that her coddling contributed to him developing Narcissistic Personality disorder (yes he was diagnosed). Every time my father would try to discipline him she would step in and say he was being too hard on him. On a side note, some of my friends have told me about their experiences with their mothers growing up and I have to say a lot of these women should have never had children.
 

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I can honestly say my mom was my first bully. As I grew up I learned that she had a lot of pent of anger from what her parents did to her and the bad choices she made in men. So she had to find someone weaker and position that couldn't stand up to her to take her anger and frustration out on. That was me and my sister unfortunately.

She was extremely negative. I remember I told her I wanted to be a veterinarian and she said I probably wouldn't be good at it as there is a lot of math involved and I wasn't that bright in that subject. I was 8 years old.
I told her I wanted to be an actress and was auditioning for a school play in middle school and she told me I had to know how to sing in order to be successful in that. She never missed an opportunity to crush our dreams.

As I got older, I stopped telling her anything. She didn't know about my relationships. She didn't know what I majored in until my graduation day. She didn't know about my internship until it was booked. If I got a promotion at work I did not tell her about it. She never knows my travel plans until the day I'm leaving. She hasn't changed much either which is extremely sad.
 

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*Keep in mind, I know most mother-daughter relationship have struggles. I’m just focusing on those like my own. Black mothers & daughters.

I’m in a place where I simply am not sure if I’d like to continue a relationship with my mother anymore. Then, these posts coincidentally pop up.

Here, Iyanla checks the mother for her attitude towards her children’s decisions/opinions in life. Pretty much tells her, they don’t talk to you because they don’t feel like they can. SAAAAMMME!!!!




Here, there’s a thread of people discussing mothers constant criticism of their daughters. Essentially saying mom is the first bully they’ve ever witnessed.



Just me venting:

My mom is the type to tell you you’re lying/wrong, if you have an opinion that is not hers. She’s the type to scream over you, never let you talk & then think she “won” the argument. She’s the type to never apologize. The type to put more pressure on girls than boys. The type to be physical with her children, when punishing (whoopings, not beatings to be clear). She’s the type to never communicate effectively, so open discussions weren’t a thing in our household.

My sisters and I have always had different responses to my mother attacking us on different things. I’m the oldest (24yo) & the type to scream back or return her attitude.

Sister #1 (21 yo) is the type to withdraw from the conversation when being screamed at. She will literally walk out or hang up. You will not disturb her energy. Smart girl to me. I wish I had the self control. I’ve given my mother too much of my negative energy.

Sister #2 (14yo) is emotional. She’ll be justified in what she’s discussing, but the second someone gets loud and angry, she’s crying & frazzled.

My step-brother pretty much avoids her. He can easily leave and go to his mom’s house, if she’s at him.

The baby sister isn’t there yet. She’s not at the point where she wants to be away from my mother yet. But, she does say, they all run & hide when she comes home. She’s always complaining about something. She’s only 10.

Both of my mother’s grown children, have moved to other cities to escape her. I feel like it’s only a matter of time for the rest.

All I ever wanted was to be spoken to like a human being. But, in many Black households, kids are to be seen & not heard. So having an opinion, “shouldn’t” exist. Communication is key to me and I’m tired of having to yell my point over another person. I’m tired and it’s quite frankly childish.

Damn how many children does your mother have????
 

Mandaazi

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Are you really doing this? Trying to downplay the obvious? Don’t sit up here and act like this is a one off thing. Black women do bully other black women. We treat each other horribly. There are many black women who have put men above their daughters, be raped by their men and blame the daughter for being fast instead of protecting her. Stop acting like this doesn’t happen on a regular basis. The way y’all hate your skin tone and hair and go on and on about not being desired shows me that this isn’t rare.
There are generations of Asian and white women alike, why is it important to bring up the entire race of Black women when discussing individuals or issues that plague the human race in general?
I mean can't we just focus on the issue at hand, which is mother-daughter relationships?
 

BRIAAAA

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There are generations of Asian and white women alike, why is it important to bring up the entire race of Black women when discussing individuals or issues that plague the human race in general?
I mean can't we just focus on the issue at hand, which is mother-daughter relationships?
I actually mention in my OP that I understand all mother-daughter relationships struggle, but I was just focused on us because I cannot speak from White or Asian perspectives.
 

Andi420

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There are generations of Asian and white women alike, why is it important to bring up the entire race of Black women when discussing individuals or issues that plague the human race in general?
I mean can't we just focus on the issue at hand, which is mother-daughter relationships?
Because this relates to us and it’s been shown time and again how black mothers treat their daughters like sh!t. Stop bringing up other races when a topic makes you uncomfortable. This discussion isn’t for your comfort. Or to make you feel better. This is dealing with reality. I’m sorry you are having a hard time grasping that. Be thankful you weren’t subjected to that. But it’s obvious the way that some of y’all carry on about with your low self esteem and no self worth on this site that there’s a disconnect. And the relationships that black women have with each other need to be better and not grounded in hatred and jealousy.
 

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Some moms want their daughters to be miserable just like them. They sabotage and guilt their daughter for finding joy. They want to break their daughters spirits. The spirit of jealousy can be stronger than a mother-daughter bond.

A mom at my parent’s church slapped her elementary school aged daughter in the face all because she came home happy after a week long summer camp.
You’ve perfectly described my mother.
 

sweetfusion™

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I can relate. My mom is very critical and controlling. She wants me to reach her "standards" or my life is crap. However, she has never met any of the standards she has for me. And she is very critical of everything I do. And if I go through something, anything, but especially negative, she will throw it up in my face or my dad's face. Very hateful and quick to tell me how so and so would never work. If I let her control my life, from my hairstyles to my partner to how many kids I have and career then she will be satisfied. Very crazy.
 

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My mother was the biggest bully I ever faced in my life. Disgusting verbal abuse. Called me a daughter of a b!tch from when I was a toddler until the age of 23, called me a piece of sh!t, told me
I’m a nobody, said she was going to pray to God for me to fail my exams because “dumb people like me don’t go to college”, said that if I have kids they will be born with health issues. Called me a piece of crap/trash. Would tell me “oh shut your mouth” when I called her out for her abuse and told me to get out. Once opened the window to hurl more verbal abuse at me as i was leaving to go to work. I burst out crying when I arrived to the office and my colleagues kept asking me if I’m ok. She also once tried pulling my wig off.

I remember once when I was 14 she came up to me and called me a “b!tch who doesn’t know anything”.

A truly disgusting and demented individual. I remember another time when I was going out to eat with my friends and she called me a daughter of a b!tch and said she hopes to God that I choke to death on the food.
 

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