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Short Stories What’s Mine Is Yours Short Story

RJKim

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Can I get some feedback on a short story that I did?

Thanks.
 

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Miel007

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Thanks so much.
Alright,style first.There's a little error on page 4 : "I was avoiding Eric like the plague so decided to take our dog out for a walk. " and on page 1,you used the word "question" in two following sentences...maybe change it with a synonym or just cross the second "question".Apart from that it is honestly very easy to read.
Now the story content...,well ,I really enjoyed it. I want to know what happens next.
 

RJKim

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Alright,style first.There's a little error on page 4 : "I was avoiding Eric like the plague so decided to take our dog out for a walk. " and on page 1,you used the word "question" in two following sentences...maybe change it with a synonym or just cross the second "question".Apart from that it is honestly very easy to read.
Now the story content...,well ,I really enjoyed it. I want to know what happens next.
Thanks for the feedback. Do you think the story is Boring?
 

Miel007

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Thanks for the feedback. Do you think the story is Boring?
not at all ! The protagonist was flawed but relatable. It is honestly very good .I want to know what happens next, and i was disappointed that it was so short lol. Please continue writing!!
 

Wednesday A

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I enjoyed this story. You have a great imagination and the plot line was solid. However, I would work on showing and not telling. A common mistake that beginning writers make is telling a story instead of telling it. For example there was a sentence along the lines of: The car was polished and clean.

What mental image do you perceive when you think of a polished clean car? Is it the clear windows? The gloss of the paint? The shine of the rims?

Use that imagery in the story. Instead of telling us the car is shiny show us imagery depicting it for example.

You have raw talent, and I can see you becoming a fantastic writer in the future. You should work on your sentence structure and imagery.

*I have a MFA in creative writing and work as a copywriter.
 

Jush

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Your writing style is great, I love your tone! I'm guessing you're British? I noticed some words had the british spelling like "grey" and "idolised". Also the fish and chips lol

Honestly, the only major issue in the story is that there are a lot of minor grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. E.g. "It was like being apart of a scientist living experiment" should be "It was like being a part of a scientist's living experiment". Always proofread over and over again so you can catch those errors and fix them. You can also use a grammar check program, either in the program you use to write or something like Grammarly.

One more thing - don't feel like you need to spoon-feed the reader details. Let us figure it out on our own and put two and two together. It's makes it more fun for the reader. E.g. I would get rid of the crossed out sentence:

"My car decided to stop working right outside the school parking entrance. I was a
schoolteacher.
I did not love or hate my job, but it was what personally fit me. I always did think I could achieve more than just being a schoolteacher, however."

The third and last sentences let us know she's a teacher without it seeming so forced.

Hope I helped! :)
 

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