ARTICLE:
I married ‘the life of the party’ — but he’s different at home. He takes his money woes out on me and calls me a ‘gold digger’
Dear Quentin,
I don’t know where to start. So I will start at the beginning. I met a man at a friend’s wedding a few years ago. He was charming in that British-man-in-America sort of way (Hugh Grant has a lot to answer for), he told jokes (perhaps too many jokes, in retrospect) and made me laugh (at first). He was the life of the party, with a wide circle of friends, and everyone seemed to love him.
He also had a very lavish, conspicuous lifestyle: He had a house upstate where he entertained his friends at weekends, he sailed in the summer, and he was regularly photographed at charity events on both sides of the Atlantic. He posted photos of himself on Facebook at Royal Ascot for several years (before the coronavirus pandemic). He seemed like the most popular guy in the world.
‘The first six months were good, the next three years? There are three topics: My husband, his business and his family.’ —
He was a generous man and financially stable, or so I thought. Of course, his success and ease with which he seemed to navigate the world made him attractive to me, but I fell in love with him, and when he proposed, I said yes.
The first six months were good. The next three years? Let’s just say there are three topics of conversation: my husband, his failing business and his terrible family. The pandemic hurt the already shaky family firm.
As his financial troubles worsened over the course of our marriage, he became short-tempered. I attributed that to the stress he was under. He actually shared this business with two brothers, so his expense account and “champagne lifestyle” were being funded by his family as much as actual profit. In fact, it soon became clear that he was neither the brain nor the brawn of the operation.
Our life has descended into stress and instability. His flashes of anger appear with increasing frequency, as do his allegations that I am a gold digger, which conveniently cast me as a villain deserving of no respect. For the record, I always work and pay my own way. (Six months ago, he pushed me and I fell backwards over the arm of a sofa. Fortunately, it broke my fall.)
I have no idea who this man is. His friends, as much as one could call them that, deserted him a couple of years ago when the expense account ran out. He ridicules me, holds over my head the fact that I wanted a child (I’m 38), and did not hide his disgust last year at the birthday gift I got him (a photo album of our courtship, in addition to a dinner and silver cufflinks).
I’m exhausted. There is only one person in the world who matters, and it’s him. Some days he’s up and friendly, usually when we are on Zoom calls with family and (my) friends, but when that camera is off, you better watch out. I’m living with a stranger. I have no clue what will happen next. His birthday is coming up in March, and I am dreading choosing a gift for him after last year.
What would you get him for this birthday? Any other suggestions about what I should do?
I married ‘the life of the party’ — but he’s different at home. He takes his money woes out on me and calls me a ‘gold digger’
I married ‘the life of the party’ — but he’s different at home. He takes his money woes out on me and calls me a ‘gold digger’
Dear Quentin,
I don’t know where to start. So I will start at the beginning. I met a man at a friend’s wedding a few years ago. He was charming in that British-man-in-America sort of way (Hugh Grant has a lot to answer for), he told jokes (perhaps too many jokes, in retrospect) and made me laugh (at first). He was the life of the party, with a wide circle of friends, and everyone seemed to love him.
He also had a very lavish, conspicuous lifestyle: He had a house upstate where he entertained his friends at weekends, he sailed in the summer, and he was regularly photographed at charity events on both sides of the Atlantic. He posted photos of himself on Facebook at Royal Ascot for several years (before the coronavirus pandemic). He seemed like the most popular guy in the world.
‘The first six months were good, the next three years? There are three topics: My husband, his business and his family.’ —
He was a generous man and financially stable, or so I thought. Of course, his success and ease with which he seemed to navigate the world made him attractive to me, but I fell in love with him, and when he proposed, I said yes.
The first six months were good. The next three years? Let’s just say there are three topics of conversation: my husband, his failing business and his terrible family. The pandemic hurt the already shaky family firm.
As his financial troubles worsened over the course of our marriage, he became short-tempered. I attributed that to the stress he was under. He actually shared this business with two brothers, so his expense account and “champagne lifestyle” were being funded by his family as much as actual profit. In fact, it soon became clear that he was neither the brain nor the brawn of the operation.
Our life has descended into stress and instability. His flashes of anger appear with increasing frequency, as do his allegations that I am a gold digger, which conveniently cast me as a villain deserving of no respect. For the record, I always work and pay my own way. (Six months ago, he pushed me and I fell backwards over the arm of a sofa. Fortunately, it broke my fall.)
I have no idea who this man is. His friends, as much as one could call them that, deserted him a couple of years ago when the expense account ran out. He ridicules me, holds over my head the fact that I wanted a child (I’m 38), and did not hide his disgust last year at the birthday gift I got him (a photo album of our courtship, in addition to a dinner and silver cufflinks).
I’m exhausted. There is only one person in the world who matters, and it’s him. Some days he’s up and friendly, usually when we are on Zoom calls with family and (my) friends, but when that camera is off, you better watch out. I’m living with a stranger. I have no clue what will happen next. His birthday is coming up in March, and I am dreading choosing a gift for him after last year.
What would you get him for this birthday? Any other suggestions about what I should do?
I married ‘the life of the party’ — but he’s different at home. He takes his money woes out on me and calls me a ‘gold digger’