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Why do so many women refuse to date for marriage...

TheDangerous

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The truth is there are no guarantees in life. You can date for marriage and still come up short. I think plenty of women are dating for marriage but unfortunately, in the black community, our male counterparts are taught to do the opposite. It’s hard to find a husband when your male counterparts aren’t even on the same page let alone reading from the same book.
I’m a black African woman but I understand the struggle.In my country, marriage is still something that most men want but the numbers of men that really don’t give a F about it or that are really holding out for finding their ideal woman and not settling...The numbers of African men in my city(which is the capital and has the most foreigners and men that have travelled,etc) that are impregnating their girlfriends but never marrying them, is increasing.The number of women in long ass term relationships is increasing.As much as we still uphold marriage, lots of modern men that have travelled, know more about life, are really either waiting to marry that ideal girl of their dreams or really not giving an F anymore.

I agree with some fonts whenComes to have a set intention and discarding any men that want to waist your time but As you have said, nothing is set in stone.

I believe that most black women are delusional too and lie to themselves.You Will have women on the shade room or even on here, shaming marriage and upholding the baby momma culture.They will say that marriage is overrated and not for every one but will have a child with some guy.And, will then be jealous of other races when the same women are raised to expect marriage above all?’ You can’t have the same argument when in the end, you guys spread the same message and black men love it.Now,you will see the same black men marrying with no pressure, another race like Jeanne Mai and wonder why...Her husband knew that he couldn’t play the games that he played with his exes(black exes at that).
Black women are too accepting and understanding.And engagement isn’t a wedding and when it happens,you have to have a set date to get married.Many black women act like an engagement ring, it’s a green light to commitment.They believe that a fiancée is a husband and will give him everything and live together.Other races actually DO get married after they get proposed.

Fonts have a bunch of rules but forget that, lots of people that are marrinow, things happened in a very natural and organic way...it was kind of meant to be.

You also don’t have many rules.You have women that started off was friends with benefits or had xes with their current husbands on the first date and are married.So the idea that xes go against marriage, it’s a lie.

You have women that approached their husbands and it’s a conversation that LSA doesn’t want to talk about...lots of women waist time, sitting pretty and never developing social interaction skills.

You have some women that were the proper girlfriend, the girl next door and still got played and the man went for a not so conventional girl.Then, you have the same type of women that found the right guy and waited to have xes after marriage and are doing well.

You have women that will go on tons of dates to find a husband and will look back at 40 years old and realize that she had tons of boyfriend but none stuck it out for long.

You have women that married their first boyfriends and nothing more.

There are no rules and in the end, the advice is good in order to weed out the “waist your time” type of men but in the end, it is what it is.Thing Will happen the way that they have to.

We have to realize that lots of people will not have the “perfect family “ type of scenario.A lovely husband, the cute wife and the perfect behaved kids that live in a gated community.Lots of women will have kids without marriage, others will get divorced, others will never have kids or marriage, others will get married but never have kids, others will get the whole package but have a sh!tty marriage,etc.In the end, you get tired and just want to live life.

I agree with the overall message about really knowing what you want and put your foot down.Learning to select the right guy that will fulfill your needs and desires.And, above all, never try to force something with the wrong one.Because, as much as things are never black or white(specially in relationships), men know what and who they truly want.If a man wants to marry you, he will do it(it doesn’t matter if he is going to be a sh!tty husband or you will have a sh!tty marriage) but if the wants it, he will do it.

Also, never put pressure on a man to marry you because you don’t want to be a “might as well” wife.You don’t want to have kids to pressure him into marrying you, to have millions sit downs with him in order to get him to set a date for the wedding or to even propose.If he truly wants, after a certain age, your man will be the one pushing the idea and intentions forward.You don’t want to have a man marrying you out of pity.You will get cheated on, be by yourself most of the time, feel lonely in the relationship and you will not even be able to ask for love or things out of him because you know that you can’t because he doesn’t give a F about you.

Sorry for any misspellings.I’m in a hurry.
 
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MelonJuice

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Men who own a home which means they are likely financially and geographically stable are more marriageable. Men get lonely in their empty house in a way they don't in their one bedroom apartment.

Men who have a decent proportion of married friends become less enthralled with the single life as well. There is something about being with a woman who knows everything you like and can deliver it on demand. Men will talk sh!t about their wives and then be crying to their friends about how discombobulated he is after she traveled without him for a few days.
 

Luvdoll

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I agree, honestly I was a late bloomer, I had a boyfriend from 14-17. Then, I stopped dating to get myself together and didn’t start back until 24. During that time, I dated around, got bored easily. My exes would always mention marrying me, both would constantly bring up marriage. One was going to buy a ring but we broke up. I got in my first serious relationship last year at 29. My boyfriend is serious about marriage, he’s 3 years older than me and he’s marriage minded. You’re right, we don’t have time. I wasted 2 1/2 years on one guy, never again. I was not going to enter my 30s still dating.
What's wrong with still dating in your 30s? I'm not asking to argue, genuinely want to know your perspective/reasoning behind this.
 

Sophia2000

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Too many women feel like they have time...when they don't. IMO, women should start dating for marriage at age 25+. Too many women (and men) allow their time to be wasted with people they don't see themselves with in the long run.
It is never too late to get married you sound like a male mgtow
 

Caramel Delite

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The truth is there are no guarantees in life. You can date for marriage and still come up short. I think plenty of women are dating for marriage but unfortunately, in the black community, our male counterparts are taught to do the opposite. It’s hard to find a husband when your male counterparts aren’t even on the same page let alone reading from the same book.

EXACTLY! How can a woman date for marriage when the men (especially black men), aren't taught to date for marriage. They're too busy trying to screw anything walking while you're trying to settle down with one man and start a family.
 

SupaSupaNova

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Whew! There are a whole myriad of reasons for this OP.

1) Mainstream culture pushes women towards simply dating for fun. All of these publications never have articles about the difference between dating for fun and for long term commitment.

2) Women believe while dating for fun and being in that mindset they can simultaneously look out for a serious partner. I feel like you have to be in a different frame of mind when dating seriously. When you casually date, you don’t have to scrutinize as much.


3) A lot of women didn’t grow up in marriage minded communities or communities with a high marriage rate. I had this conversation a couple of days ago with friends of mine. Even though my parents marriage wasn’t perfect and it isn’t what I want in terms of marriage even though things are way better now, I grew up around a lot of people whose marriages were healthy and positive, so I picked up a lot from witnessing that as well as the positive aspects of my parents marriage. In general I grew up in a community in which marriage was expected.

4) Like other fonts stated our parents never had conversations with us about vetting men, when to seriously start to settle down, etc....


A lot of people are really mad at their parents about the number 4, but we are forgetting that this is the first time in human history that people choose who they want to marry.

Up until the 40s I would say, your parents/ family chose who you married or at least approved/ disproved of who you wanted to marry and that had a huge effect on whether or not the marriage took place.

Our parents were the first generation or the second at most that had the freedom humans never had for most of our history. The way dating/ courting currently exists is a new phenomenon so a culture of parents sitting their children down doesn’t really exist, because it never really needed to exist before.

We basically have to be the generation that puts that in place.
 

MellaRueraux

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BW wait too late. They are almost exclusively into hypergamy. They measure EVERYTHING by money. Plus BM know BW think nothing about giving their body for money.

That means a BW cannot discern.
Bw measure everything by waiting for their “perfect” black kang. DATE OUT YOUR RACE. STAY CHILDESS, MARRY MEN FOR FINANCIAL STABILITY.
 

Umar Wife

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The problem isn’t us it’s the men. Many of them don’t want to date for marriage so we’re left having to sift through 1000 men just to find 1 who’s ready.

There are far too many of them who “date” women to see where it goes in hopes of getting xes within 36 hours rather than being strategic about getting 1 woman who will give them xes for a lifetime.

Even if a woman chose to upgrade her standards she’d literally be reducing her dating pool at the same time. Men and some women live by a code of upholding the bµllsh!t which makes the good pickings feel slim.
 

Umar Wife

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BW wait too late. They are almost exclusively into hypergamy. They measure EVERYTHING by money. Plus BM know BW think nothing about giving their body for money.

That means a BW cannot discern.

All women measure everything by money and are told to get men who provide whilst having your own in case he can’t and leaving if he doesn’t have the fortitude to sustain. Why black women are the only group to be looked down on for this I’ll never understand.
 

hankertron

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All women measure everything by money and are told to get men who provide whilst having your own in case he can’t and leaving if he doesn’t have the fortitude to sustain. Why black women are the only group to be looked down on for this I’ll never understand.
We are not like the rest. We came up with a different level of family and community commitment because we were always facing racism, Jim Crow and segregation while at the same time trying to recover from slavery.

The BW had a unique specialness.
She turned from the BM, family and community for money. And the BM turned from her too.
 

Zuri Arie

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Date only the marrying kind
To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind.

Statistical Truths About the Marrying Kind

Most men will not even consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment. For 80 percent of high school graduates, the minimum age of commitment is 23, whereas for 80 percent of college graduates, it’s 26.

The high-commitment period for most college-educated men is from ages 28 to 33.

For men who go to graduate school-doctors, lawyers, and the like-the high-commitment period runs from 30 to 36.

After age 37 or 38, the chance that a man will commit diminishes. After 43, it diminishes even more.

Most men think sowing their wild oats is a rite of passage and will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years.

Men are most likely to marry after they become uncomfortable with the singles scene.

Men have biological clocks. They want to be young enough to teach their sons to fish and play ball, and to do the male-bonding thing.

Men who look at marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain are not likely to marry-nor are they good prospects. Run... Fast. Men whose parents divorced when they were young are often gun-shy about marrying.

Men often marry women whose backgrounds — religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status matches theirs.

Men who have their own places and have lived as independent, self-supporting adults are more likely to marry.

Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry.

If a man over the age of 40 has been married before, he is more likely to marry than a 40-year-old man who has never been married.

If you wish to facilitate a trip to the altar, meet and date only the marrying kind!
!!!!!
What's wrong with still dating in your 30s? I'm not asking to argue, genuinely want to know your perspective/reasoning behind this.
Nothing wrong with dating in your 30s, I didn’t want that for myself, I want to be married and have kids by the time I’m 32. I just turned 30 and I’m currently in a serious relationship. We’ve already discussed marriage, hell he brought up getting a marriage license recently. If a woman, wants kids before I certain age, then, it’s not wise to waste years. I’m sure most women would prefer to have kids before 35.

but honestly, if a woman wants marriage and kids she needs to date seriously before 30, I say 25.
 

hankertron

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Bw measure everything by waiting for their “perfect” black kang. DATE OUT YOUR RACE. STAY CHILDESS, MARRY MEN FOR FINANCIAL STABILITY.
That’s exactly where they are. They don’t love the BM and they don’t respect the BM. They worship money and secondly outstanding “natural” xes partners. They want xes and they will sell themselves for xes. Both are toxic outside of a loving committed relationship.
 

buttahpecan_

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Most black men ( especially young men ) aren’t ready for marriage when our asses stay ready for marriage so we have to sift our way through thousands of men smh
 
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Date only the marrying kind
To dramatically increase your chances of marrying you must seek out and date the marrying kind.

Statistical Truths About the Marrying Kind

Most men will not even consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment. For 80 percent of high school graduates, the minimum age of commitment is 23, whereas for 80 percent of college graduates, it’s 26.

The high-commitment period for most college-educated men is from ages 28 to 33.

For men who go to graduate school-doctors, lawyers, and the like-the high-commitment period runs from 30 to 36.

After age 37 or 38, the chance that a man will commit diminishes. After 43, it diminishes even more.

Most men think sowing their wild oats is a rite of passage and will not even contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years.

Men are most likely to marry after they become uncomfortable with the singles scene.

Men have biological clocks. They want to be young enough to teach their sons to fish and play ball, and to do the male-bonding thing.

Men who look at marriage as a financial arrangement in which women have the most to gain are not likely to marry-nor are they good prospects. Run... Fast. Men whose parents divorced when they were young are often gun-shy about marrying.

Men often marry women whose backgrounds — religion, politics, values, socioeconomic status matches theirs.

Men who have their own places and have lived as independent, self-supporting adults are more likely to marry.

Men whose friends and siblings are married are more likely to marry.

If a man over the age of 40 has been married before, he is more likely to marry than a 40-year-old man who has never been married.

If you wish to facilitate a trip to the altar, meet and date only the marrying kind!
100% true. I’d also add that women who want to marry young should strongly consider the “nerdy” guys who we often overlook in college as they are best to date in college and marry immediately after college. Once they’re out and hit cities like Atlanta w their well paying nerd jobs, they get a little culture and are introduced to that world as a single man, it’s over! They get their dream car, teeth fixed, pick up a little weight and the college girl whom dissed him is trying to circle back and it’s too late.

He was a good guy in college but no one wanted him.

Again, this is just a strategy for women who want to marry and to marry young.

My stepson is that guy. Incredible heart. Super handsome but late bloomer. I see the women play games w him. He has a heart of gold. Works hard. Takes care of his family but every girl leaves him for a dude w swag. I know those same women will be circling back in about 7 years wanting a good family guy after the fxxxbois have left her bitter and maybe even w a baby.
 

Luvdoll

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!!!!!

Nothing wrong with dating in your 30s, I didn’t want that for myself, I want to be married and have kids by the time I’m 32. I just turned 30 and I’m currently in a serious relationship. We’ve already discussed marriage, hell he brought up getting a marriage license recently. If a woman, wants kids before I certain age, then, it’s not wise to waste years. I’m sure most women would prefer to have kids before 35.

but honestly, if a woman wants marriage and kids she needs to date seriously before 30, I say 25.
Oh okay, thank you for clarifying!

I agree with you about dating seriously for marriage in your 20s, especially if you want kids. I will say though, and this is not to discourage you in any way, shape or form, but sometimes things may not go according to plan and some things are out of our control. I'm a prime example of this. I'm 32 and I thought I would've been at least engaged by now, but my life took a detour when both of my parents died (my mom when I was 24 and my dad when I was 30). Due to these circumstances, I wasn't focused on dating for a few years. When I did get back into dating, I didn't vet properly because my mindset was all over the place because I was still grieving. Now I'm in a much better space mentally, thank goodness. I still want to get married and have a child or 2, and now that I'm in a better space mentally and am much better at vetting men now than when I was in my 20s, I'm moving forward positively in my dating life and am confident that I will obtain the marriage I desire. Also, while I am realistic, I no longer fear being "too old" (not saying you have this mindset, just sharing how I used to think) to jump back into seriously dating for marriage.

Sorry for the long explanation lol. I wish you all the best with your relationship!
 

MellaRueraux

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That’s exactly where they are. They don’t love the BM and they don’t respect the BM. They worship money and secondly outstanding “natural” xes partners. They want xes and they will sell themselves for xes. Both are toxic outside of a loving committed relationship.
Y’all don’t deserve respect or love. #FINDATHERAPIST go to your local psychiatrist for treatment. Black women are not your saviors.
 

Luvdoll

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I date aggressively and feverishly for about 6/7 years without any xes until I accidentally met my husband. Date multiple men and decline long-term relationships. No benefits for men who are not your husbands and only marriage should be a commitment.
How long after you met your husband did y'all get married?
 

hankertron

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I’m a black African woman but I understand the struggle.In my country, marriage is still something that most men want but the numbers of men that really don’t give a F about it or that are really holding out for finding their ideal woman and not settling...The numbers of African men in my city(which is the capital and has the most foreigners and men that have travelled,etc) that are impregnating their girlfriends but never marrying them, is increasing.The number of women in long ass term relationships is increasing.As much as we still uphold marriage, lots of modern men that have travelled, know more about life, are really either waiting to marry that ideal girl of their dreams or really not giving an F anymore.

I agree with some fonts whenComes to have a set intention and discarding any men that want to waist your time but As you have said, nothing is set in stone.

I believe that most black women are delusional too and lie to themselves.You Will have women on the shade room or even on here, shaming marriage and upholding the baby momma culture.They will say that marriage is overrated and not for every one but will have a child with some guy.And, will then be jealous of other races when the same women are raised to expect marriage above all?’ You can’t have the same argument when in the end, you guys spread the same message and black men love it.Now,you will see the same black men marrying with no pressure, another race like Jeanne Mai and wonder why...Her husband knew that he couldn’t play the games that he played with his exes(black exes at that).
Black women are too accepting and understanding.And engagement isn’t a wedding and when it happens,you have to have a set date to get married.Many black women act like an engagement ring, it’s a green light to commitment.They believe that a fiancée is a husband and will give him everything and live together.Other races actually DO get married after they get proposed.

Fonts have a bunch of rules but forget that, lots of people that are marrinow, things happened in a very natural and organic way...it was kind of meant to be.

You also don’t have many rules.You have women that started off was friends with benefits or had xes with their current husbands on the first date and are married.So the idea that xes go against marriage, it’s a lie.

You have women that approached their husbands and it’s a conversation that LSA doesn’t want to talk about...lots of women waist time, sitting pretty and never developing social interaction skills.

You have some women that were the proper girlfriend, the girl next door and still got played and the man went for a not so conventional girl.Then, you have the same type of women that found the right guy and waited to have xes after marriage and are doing well.

You have women that will go on tons of dates to find a husband and will look back at 40 years old and realize that she had tons of boyfriend but none stuck it out for long.

You have women that married their first boyfriends and nothing more.

There are no rules and in the end, the advice is good in order to weed out the “waist your time” type of men but in the end, it is what it is.Thing Will happen the way that they have to.

We have to realize that lots of people will not have the “perfect family “ type of scenario.A lovely husband, the cute wife and the perfect behaved kids that live in a gated community.Lots of women will have kids without marriage, others will get divorced, others will never have kids or marriage, others will get married but never have kids, others will get the whole package but have a sh!tty marriage,etc.In the end, you get tired and just want to live life.

I agree with the overall message about really knowing what you want and put your foot down.Learning to select the right guy that will fulfill your needs and desires.And, above all, never try to force something with the wrong one.Because, as much as things are never black or white(specially in relationships), men know what and who they truly want.If a man wants to marry you, he will do it(it doesn’t matter if he is going to be a sh!tty husband or you will have a sh!tty marriage) but if the wants it, he will do it.

Also, never put pressure on a man to marry you because you don’t want to be a “might as well” wife.You don’t want to have kids to pressure him into marrying you, to have millions sit downs with him in order to get him to set a date for the wedding or to even propose.If he truly wants, after a certain age, your man will be the one pushing the idea and intentions forward.You don’t want to have a man marrying you out of pity.You will get cheated on, be by yourself most of the time, feel lonely in the relationship and you will not even be able to ask for love or things out of him because you know that you can’t because he doesn’t give a F about you.

Sorry for any misspellings.I’m in a hurry.
Your post is an excellent read. I am a BM, a husband, a father and a mentor of BM. So many complexities in this. Plus you have to contextualize for the impact of slavery, racism, the recovery as former slaves, the loss of much of BM and BW spirituality, morality and family oriented life.
We are no longer a community of families. And much success is dependent upon black fathers in the BM’s life. BM just like others are creatures of habit. Strong families breed husbands. Not always good but
a good opportunity for BW. In the absence of really good families a BW needs her man to at least have a positive relationship with his father to be considered a possible candidate for marriage. Plus as you said a BW must be flexible and vet very well.

From what I see many BW are too much into hypergamy and toxic BM use this as an opportunity to take advantage of BW as well as making the BW less viable for marriage.
 

hankertron

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Y’all don’t deserve respect or love. #FINDATHERAPIST go to your local psychiatrist for treatment. Black women are not your saviors.
This is why nothing, absolutely nothing will get better. You see yourselves ONLY as victims, not knowing you are a big part of the problem too.
 

JaydeJones

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It’s not that I didn’t know you hate BM. And it’s not that I didn’t know you love Yt men. What I did not know is that a lot of BW are not truly black. Many BW, not all of course, have been programmed out of blackness to think they are so so much better than the Blackman. Remember we came out of you. So if you hate us this hard then that means on a subconscious level you hate yourself too.

You're projecting as per usual
Just because this is black male go to behaviour doesn't mean bw operate like yall

All the BM here share the same 3 ideas, just because I can see that bm are mostly garbage doesn't mean I love wm. Thats BM thinking you hate yourselves and worship whiteness on ww. Whereas many women know all men are toxic. The rest soon find out for themselves, WM are just better at many things than bm, that's just facts no point crying about it, better off understanding why so yall can fix the problem... but that's not your style
Just stay out of BWs business when we attempt to fix ourselves
 

hankertron

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You're projecting as per usual
Just because this is black male go to behaviour doesn't mean bw operate like yall

All the BM here share the same 3 ideas, just because I can see that bm are mostly garbage doesn't mean I love wm. Thats BM thinking you hate yourselves and worship whiteness on ww. Whereas many women know all men are toxic. The rest soon find out for themselves, WM are just better at many things than bm, that's just facts no point crying about it, better off understanding why so yall can fix the problem... but that's not your style
Just stay out of BWs business when we attempt to fix ourselves
You constantly compare or evaluate BM and WM outside the context of slavery, racism and segregation. You don’t even have a measuring stick to understand the concerns and problems. Nobody ever fixes somebody or somebodies, the idea is to reflect within the context of reality. Something many BW do not have the awareness to do.
 

KEIKOLDN

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I feel like dating for marriage is tough because of several different factors, one being that the quality of life is tougher than back in the 50s. It’s takes hard work, discipline and so much to want to marry and have children in this day and age. Society doesn’t exactly make it nice on families or anyone for that matter.
 

PecanSwirl

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it's exhausting always hearing what women aren't doing. if a woman isn't married by a certain age, it's somehow always her fault and not the fault of the male species that is supposed to ask her to marry them
 

Ms Her

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This is how I know you're here to exercise your male lust to sh!t on women women...thats the reason 99% of the 'straight' bm are here. Yall get fµcked in the ass ten ways from Sunday by Chad and Bob every day so you have to find some women to put down daily to stop yourselves imploding and to feel some kind of twisted dominance that Bob won't let you enjoy in peace. BM behaviour 101

If you didn't have said problem atypical of the Conquered Ones you would clearly see the comments address men AND women throughout this thread. No women here are being unaccountable, you're just addicted to spewing sh!t at women each day. BM are nasty little gremlins with a big chip on their shoulders heading to the wrong address

I don't want to talk to you any more. Don't tag me again
As another font schooled me=with the new system= just put them on double ignore (I think its a default feature) and experience a different LSA
 

fIverdream

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@ninetiesrnb

South Asians have a whole network of sons groomed for marriage by 25, they'll even have the money to pay for the wedding and arrange the link up
Imagine not having to worry or think about which pool of bachelors you're gonna pick from when they are prepped from birth all the girls have to do is conform to patriarchy...which we're doing anyway but as bw are not benefiting sh!t from

Middle class Whites push their daughters to find a decent prospect in college and push their sons to take full advantage of their white privilege so by time theyre 29 they have the finances and trajectory to support a family. Whenever I work around this group there are constant engagements, weddings or the majority are already married. A single middle class white male in his 30s is rare, if he has a decent job and a girlfriend and is 29+ he's proposing!

Point being these groups of men factor in marriage as part the progression of adulthood not some dirty word they run from and are utterly disgusted by like bm do, yes I acknowledge not every marriage is successful but at least their is a concept of it in the first place

Our female elders didn't give us tea on the state of our communities as a bw dealing with bm who are against marriage and raising their children , we don't have a network of sons groomed for marriage at 25, or a batch of middle class stable men who have enough resources to not hate providing and our male elders either weren't there, or were busy telling us the wrong thing instead of being real because they were doing all that sh!t themselves and couldn't admit bm ain't sh!t

I have a bunch of 30-something Indian and Pakistani friends from college who are divorcing their arranged marriage husbands. Such toxic marriages.
 

Toocoolforschoo

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There are women who do get married and still end up with trashy men OP @Lizette411. Some women stay with men who won’t marry them but will be loyal and faithful, over marrying a man who will cheat. Neither is ideal in my opinion, but I think making marriage the end all, be all, without marital and overall relationship health is what is truly detrimental to most women (and men), when it comes to marriage.
 

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